Things You Have To Believe To Be A Republican Today (July 2014)
More Things You Have To Believe To Be A Republican Today
(No. 16 in a series)
Two hundred and thirty-eight years ago this week, the American colonies declared their Independence from a world-spanning empire built on the virtual slave labor of a massive class of serfs treated barely any better than cattle by the small class of decadent nobles ruled by an absolute monarch who got the job only because his ancestors had it first. So naturally, those who scream loudest about how "patriotic" they are want to strip away worker's rights, give Paris Hilton and people like her more tax cuts, and elect Jeb Bush to the Presidency. (Actually, it's even scarier than that when you realize that Jeb Bush is arguably the least insane choice among those preparing to run for that party's nomination.)
Anyway, another look into the world of conservative doublethink.
Because those assholes just keep saying it:
* Increasing taxes on the rich is exactly the same thing as loading them into box cars, shipping them to concentration camps, and gassing them.
And of course:
* All life is sacred and precious from the moment of conception until the moment of birth.
And more updates:
* It's okay to hit on underage pages, solicit gay sex in an airport bathroom, and cheat on your wife (with or without diapers, payoffs, rentboys, or trips to Argentina) as long as you're a Good Christian(TM).
* You were revolted by the thought of degenerate perverts Anthony Wiener and Elliot Spitzer returning to public office. You support Mark Sanford's return to public office, and are a fan of David Vitter and Vance McAllister.
* Sending racy Tweets and pictures of yourself to a woman you aren't married to is a much more serious crime than actually having sex with someone you aren't married to--ie a prostitute, your friend's wife, your staffers, Congressional pages, women in Argentina, rentboys, ect.
* You aren't racist; you're just sick of all African Americans being lazy, violent criminals who milk the system, refuse to be literate and speak proper English, and you think they were better off as livestock picking cotton on a plantation.
* Corporations are people. Women are not.
* Government officials should never get between a patient and their doctor--that is the just and proper roll of insurance company claims adjusters and the owners of the company the patient works for.
More Things You Have To Believe To Be A Republican Today:
* A black teenager in his own neighborhood not bothering or harming anyone or anything deserved to be shot and killed. A Du Pont trust fund heir who raped his own three year old daughter shouldn't have to go to jail because he "Wouldn't do well there".
* "Family values" = Playing pro baseball is more important that the birth of your child.
* Wanting to mandate equal pay for equal work is a "bizarre obsession"; Do I even need to say "Benghazi"?
* You oppose equal pay for equal work, and are confused about why more women don't vote for you.
* The government has no right to stop cattle grazers from illegally using public land for their private gain.
* Wind is a finite resource, and harvesting it contributes to global warming. Oil is an infinite resource, and harvesting it has no effect on the climate
* "Free Market" and "Small Government" = Making people who put up their own solar panels and thus use less power from the energy companies pay a monthly fee as punishment.
* Hank Aaron is a stupid dumbass n****r for thinking there's still racism in the country.
* You revere the Founders, the Flag, and the Constitution, but deny the existence of the Federal Government created by the Founders and the Constitution.
* A deadbeat rancher who refuses to pay his grazing fees has the moral authority to cast aspersions on other people accepting "government subsidies".
* Weighting college admissions based on whether or not an applicant is of a minority race is wrong. Weighting college admissions based on whether or not an applicant is related to a rich alumnus and potential donor is just and fair.
* You're a staunch believer in democracy who thinks that women and minorities shouldn't have the right to vote.
* You voted for cuts to State Department embassy security budgets, and are angry about the Benghazi attack.
* You voted for cuts to the Department of Veterans Affairs, and are angry about the VA's problems in providing proper treatment to veterans.
* A guy who sold arms to terrorists in exchange for hostages has the moral authority to question the prisoner exchange deal made for Bowe Bergdahl
* Bowe Bergdahl was an American hero, and his imprisonment by the Taliban was intolerable until Barack Obama successfully freed him, at which time Bowe Bergdahl became a Jihadist and a traitor.
* Military prisoner exchanges are now impeachable high crimes and misdemeanors, like blowing an intern ( but not like lying a country into an unnecessary war)
* Bowe and Bo Bergdahl are terrorists. Jared and Amanda Miller aren't.
* You boo gay soldiers, oppose funding the VA, and think Bowe Bergdahl and his entire family are traitors; you think liberals are the ones who don't support the troops.
* Abortion is murder, but blowing away police officers isn't.
* The same "experts" that led us into and cheerled the Iraq clusterfuck in the first place are clearly the ones most qualified to advise us on how to proceed in Iraq now.
* When a Tea Bagger loses an election, it is clearly because his opponent cheated by appealing to black voters, or was replaced by a robot.
* You nominate Mitt Rmoney to be President, but think Hillary Clinton is too rich and out of touch.
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