Long dark night, it is back!

[sorrybushisfromtexas]

Last edited Wed Aug 13, 2014, 08:10 AM - Edit history (1)

It is hard to explain to someone who does not have it, the utter horror and pain of clinical depression. Until I had read an old article in a Reader's Digest at my mother's house 20 years ago I didn't have a name for the monster that often overwhelmed my life. It not only overwhelmed me, it overwhelmed my wife and kids. They didn't understand how I could be so different day to day or week to week. They didn't hear me say aloud," I just ought to put a gun in my mouth and die" dozens of times a day while in a deep depression. They just didn't understand why I wanted just to be alone and not with them. I never bought a firearm into my home and never will because even after years of successful treatment those words still come out when I am deeply depressed.

Thank goodness that daily medication has at least taken an edge off that condition that still returns way too often. It is never as strong as it was before medication but still can be debilitating. Most of my friends, fellow workers, and people I have known have no idea of the pain that has been an almost constant part of my life since about the age 14. I am 64 now and everyone thinks I am that I am a wild and crazy guy that is always ready for a laugh, a practical joke, or a comeback. That persona is a mask I wear as a protection to take away the pain that can still haunt me.

After reading of Robin Williams death last night, the familiar words threatening to take my life came out of my mouth again. I was by myself, my wife was out of town. I may have slept for an hour during the night but I have slept today. The thoughts are gone, but just the fact it was back for even a night for the first time in months is a bummer. I am fine and have a Doctors appointment tomorrow.

If you have the same symptoms and never have tried to get help get it. Go to a doctor, for me, depression medication helps a lot. Talk to friends, family, or clergy if you are religious. I taught school for 35 years and for the last 20 years was able to talk to many middle school students,that were facing the same thing I faced at their age, and share that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Sometimes the light dims, but in my case the light has always returned. If you are taking concrete steps to hurt yourself seek help immediately. Call a suicide hotline, seek out friends, family or clergy.

I lost a real good friend just over a year ago that got in his truck drove about 300 miles and covered himself in gasoline and burned his truck and himself up. He had a brother that killed himself 30 years before and a mother that suffered from depression. I shared with him many times my journey with depression but never once did he tell me of his struggles. I so wish he would have reached out. Rest in peace, Robin Williams, Jack my friend, cousins that are too numerous to mention, and thousands of others that take that final step each year. Do not call them names, or say they were just being selfish they just didn't know what else to do.

[elfin]

1. It took my niece. In tears all day for her, Robin, and all who suffer

Robin's illness was concealed and perhaps managed by his brilliance.

We lost my niece when she was very young. She, too, was brilliant and offbeat, but lacked the resilience it takes to fight the monster that is clinical depression.

We were blessed in so many ways that Robin fought it so valiantly for so many years. I grieve for him and his, and for my niece and her beloveds after all these years.

[sorrybushisfromtexas]

2. many in my family also

I lost two nephews, and numerous cousins to our "family" disease. My son suffers from it but not my daughter. I haven't seen signs in my grandkids.

[demmiblue]

3. Thank you for sharing your story. n/t

[GeorgeGist]

4. Terrifying.

It's hard just to read.

It's sad the way he left.