The killer cop story we never hear: HEDGE FUND MANAGER SHOT FOR SUSPECTED SALE OF FRAUDULENT DERIVAT

[yurbud]

HEDGE FUND MANAGER SHOT FOR SUSPECTED SALE OF FRAUDULENT DERIVATIVES

Goldman Sachs executive Oliver Dauphin was shot and killed today when he failed to respond to questioning by a police officer.

Dauphin was waiting for his limo at the curb outside the Bhutan Grill when police officer Damon Johnson overheard him on the phone, selling what sounded like a rent based derivative.

"I knew how much damage those mortgage back derivatives did to our economy and the world, so I wanted to ask some questions to find out if they were solid or another pump and dump fraud like the mortgage backed derivatives," said Johnson.

Johnson instructed Dauphin to hang up, so he could ask his questions, but Dauphin ignored him and walked a few feet away.

Johnson followed and took his phone out of his hand, ending his call.

Dauphin tried to grab his phone back, and Johnson said, "not until you answer some questions."

Dauphin became enraged and said, "Do you know who I am? Do you know who I am? I'm the guy who's going to get you fired. I'm going to make your life a living hell. You're dead!"

Johnson took his last statement as a threat, drew his revolver, and told Dauphin to put his hands on his head.

Rather than comply, Dauphin made a dismissive noise and reached inside his jacket.

Fearing that he may have been reaching for a weapon, Johnson opened fire, hitting Dauphin three times in the chest and once in the head.

A later search of his body found no weapon, only a wallet and a cigar.

Others in the finance industry were shocked by the shooting and demanded that the officer be fired or at least put on suspension pending an investigation.

The police chief said he had no plans to do so since the officer acted within department policy.

"A suspect wearing a long heavy coat like that could be hiding a shotgun, assault rifle or grenade launcher for all we know, so given his movements, the shooting was appropriate. Police officers deal with very dangerous people in this neighborhood who have been known to rob pension funds, bankrupt local and state governments, and even countries with their fraud. Given that threat, Officer Johnson acted appropriately."

He also said that a cigar had been stolen from a nearby bodega and it was very likely the officer could smell the tobacco. Johnson did not mention this in any of his own statements though.

[Boomer]

1. Bravo! nt

[NYC_SKP]

2. Ready for Hillary Clinton for President Right Now, and Gucci Purses and Outsourcing Woo Hoo!

I'm going to rec your post now, then get back to looking at the ocean.

[villager]

16. Because it's great to have "two" "choices" in a corpocracy, NYC SKP!

[NYC_SKP]

19. It's "her turn"... When the FUCK will it be OUR TURN? :-)

Right?

[villager]

20. Don't think us 99%ers can afford to pony up what it costs for a real "turn"

[yurbud]

54. when they have left the country in rubble and our money is only good for kindling

[Spitfire of ATJ]

58. When the rednecks realize they've been conned.

[yurbud]

27. Would you like you corporate rule with a side of fear and racism or bland platitudes?

[villager]

33. Lots of "choice," Americans -- in your side dishes!

[yurbud]

55. That's the Hillary. It's a bit to exotic looking for a Romney side.

[Laelth]

3. Onion? n/t

-Laelth

[Nuclear Unicorn]

7. I'm guessing original satire by the OP. nt

[onethatcares]

12. OP did good.

now it has to go viral.

[Quayblue]

31. indeed

[yurbud]

13. Correct.

[Laelth]

22. Cool. Point well-made. n/t

-Laelth

[Uncle Joe]

4. Kicked and recommended.

Thanks for the thread, yurbud.

[gratuitous]

5. What if the executive had something even more lethal?

I mean, sure, a shotgun, assault rifle or grenade launcher can be pretty tough stuff, but what if he'd been reaching for a reverse mortgage application? Officer Johnson couldn't afford to take that chance, could he? For more, we go to Sean Hannity and Bill O'Reilly in the Clusterfuck Room.

[951-Riverside]

6. Just like you have never seen any white collar criminals or crime on Cops (TV Show) n/t

[Nuclear Unicorn]

8. Because the people writing the laws are just as corrupt as those exploiting the laws.

Pols pass laws. The privileged don't want the law to harm them and / or want the law to harm competitors. The pols realize that having a patron is beneficial to them. Soon it becomes an incestuous whirlwind.

[xchrom]

9. HA! Love it. Nt

[rurallib]

10. One of the best satires I've read in a long time

but I'd better check, it is satire, isn't it?
In this goofy world it could be true.

[rhett o rick]

11. If that's original, great. nm

[L0oniX]

14. Onion?

[Skier101]

15. Yeah...

as if that could ever happen!

[CanonRay]

17. Only in my dreams

[DocMac]

18. Lol.

I knew this couldn't be true. Cops don't know anything about derivatives.

[kimbutgar]

21. As much as I would love this to be true my bs alert goes off

I did a search of this guy at Goldman no one exists. This would have been in the news.

Sorry I would have heard this on CNBC or Bloomberg. I would love it to be true but I have my doubts about this story being true.

[yurbud]

34. if it was a real guy, I'd be worried about him sending his lawyers after me.

[AverageJoe90]

23. Haha, good satire piece, man.

I actually began to wonder if this might have happened. Bravo. nt

[Oilwellian]

24. If only n/t

[socialist_n_TN]

25. You're right. We'll NEVER hear this story.......

because it will never happen.

Good one yurbud!

[tclambert]

42. What if the banker was black?

C'mon, there could be black bank executives, you know, in theory, some day.

Of course, then the cop wouldn't stop him to ask questions about suspect derivatives, he'd assume a black guy getting into a limousine was stealing the car.

[yurbud]

60. I gave the cop a potentially black name for some role reversal

[malaise]

26. I was looking for an Onion link

Brilliant

Rec - and then some

[yurbud]

29. My stuff is better.

[malaise]

30. Well this is seriously brilliant

[Voice for Peace]

51. it IS better.

though I like the Onion on principle, it rarely makes me
laugh like this. Or Borowitz. This is good like Borowitz.

[LloydS of New London]

28. Shazam!

[RagAss]

32. Great Post....Get this out there !

[Ichingcarpenter]

35. DOJ Allows Bank of America to Deduct $12 Billion of $17 Billion Settlement

Which is what really happens with corporate crime

http://www.democraticunderground.com/10025427334


Great Post it connects my post to yours.

[Sparhawk60]

36. I May Have to Rethink

I may have to rethink my position on killings by cops... I say we give this cop a pass on this one. lol

[valerief]

37. Excellent! Now, if only there were real copycats. nt

[yurbud]

43. sadly, my work hasn't been that inspirational: this is in the vein of "To Serve Man"

http://professorsmartass.blogspot.com/2009/02/wall-st-execs-bankers-feed-those-they.html

[valerief]

45. That's freakin' hilarious! We all daydream about that happening, don't we? nt

[yurbud]

49. I would be worried that they would pass on diseases, even genetic ones from centuries of inbreeding

[annabanana]

38. oh I am kicking this again...

justice is what justice does

[TBF]

39. If that actually happened it would run 24/7 on cable channels (all of them)

for about 10 years.

[KansDem]

40. I'd been happy with the standard "Stop and Frisk"

But this narrative really drives the point home...

[tclambert]

41. And then bank executives took to the streets in protest.

Nah, they would order their personal assistants to attend protest marches for them.

[yurbud]

44. I wrote something like that in Bush's Butler tells all: the rich have their valets endure the hazing

for secret societies:

College posed a different set of challenges for the future president's valet. When Bush wished to join Skull & Bones, it was Puckerthorn who had to endure the initiation. "Although I'm British, I didn't enjoyed being buggered in a coffin by someone else's gentleman's gentleman, I can assure you."

http://professorsmartass.blogspot.com/2005/04/retired-bush-valet-w-has-never-wiped.html

[blackspade]

46. Well played sir, well played.

The grenade launcher was a nice touch.

[malaise]

47. I'm kicking this back to the top

It's great

[Voice for Peace]

48. I nominate this excellent OP for a DUzy

..don't know what else to nominate it for, but it sure is good.
Funny, but not.

[yurbud]

50. the not part is that it didn't happen. Sorry to raise people's hopes.

[Voice for Peace]

53. sadly, it would take a lot for any of us to imagine such a scenario might be true,

no matter how well it is written.

[Enthusiast]

52. Kicked and recommended!

THAT would be the day.

[Jack Rabbit]

56. Excellent writing, yurbud

I have to admit it brought out a dark side of me that would call it justifiable homicide.

The police officer, I'm sorry to say, would be fired. He had no probable cause to confront Mr. Dauphin, who was committing no crime. Congress has repealed laws against fraud over the last thirty years, and no president ever vetoed one.

[RoccoR5955]

57. I am stealing that!

It's so good it deserves thievery!

[cantbeserious]

59. Thank You For Sharing

eom

[MustBeTheBooz]

61. Well done, Bud...

Well done.

[DrewFlorida]

62. Right on!

Great analogic story.

[RufusTFirefly]

63. Well done!! K & R!

Great job, yurbud!

[raouldukelives]

64. K&R Reminds me of this story from awhile back.

http://www.democraticunderground.com/1002322779

It's OK to spend months undercover and tens of thousands of dollars to bust the most miniscule marijuana deals. Yet you'll never read about our justice system doing that to the ones doing the most damage to our country and our world. The ones who are the biggest threat to Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness for us and our children.

Everything is lined up most harshly against the least in this country. All doors are open and all hands scrape at the feet of the gilded lily's of corporate America.

The hits will keep coming and they will be much harder. They need more & more to insulate themselves from the damage they do. They must create more suffering in order to insulate themselves further from the horrors they unleash upon us and our natural world. It is locked in a self-replicating cycle of more money so they can further defend themselves from facing justice for the atrocities they have committed.

They are killing America, Democracy and our environment at a stunning pace. One can join em, one can ignore em, one can fight them but one can't play nice with them and appeal to a sense of ethics or morals. They lack even the most basic understanding of anything but more for them even if that means less for you, and for many, far from being a bad thing, that's an added feature.

[yurbud]

70. They don't even apply the draconian asset forfeiture laws when bankers are caught laundering drug

Money, which would certainly be fair since it's done to lower level drug dealers.

Imagine if they had a roving wiretap on one of these guys, and heard him discussing a shady deal at a friend's house in Marthas vineyard. Not only would the basket lose alk his money and stuff, but the friend would lose his house, and anybody at pay would probably lose the cars they drove there.

Since the damage caused by their non-drug dealings is at least as harmful add the drug ones, those methods should be applied here as well.

[Blue_Tires]

65. bloody brilliant

[cascadiance]

67. I earlier tried to make a similar note on Wall Street "cigar box crimes"...

... and perhaps what would happen if they got the same punishment that Michael Brown did...

http://www.democraticunderground.com/10025392707

[Dark n Stormy Knight]

69. Well done. The Killer Cop Story we never will hear. Mike Brown's theft was not large enough

to be excused.

[yurbud]

71. someone did a similar toon: