Absolutely lovely -The secrets of long-term love

[malaise]

http://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2014/aug/22/the-secrets-of-long-term-love
<snip>
What is the key to a happy marriage? Is there a formula for long-term love? And how do you keep the passion alive after more than 50 years together? Six happily married couples share their secrets, from never eating in front of the television to keeping some things a mystery


-------------------------------

[NRaleighLiberal]

1. bookmarked - I look forward to reading that more closely later.

Will want to compare to my wife/my keys to a great marriage now approaching 34 years strong!

[malaise]

2. Bet you find many similarities

[Warpy]

3. It's still a major crapshoot

All the best intentions and loving kindness in the world won't overcome some major problems, like violence and addictions.

I'm glad 50% of couples manage to stay together. I'm glad some of those 50% are together affectionately, instead of through religious coercion or inertia. My best friend is married over 30 yeas after a 10 year shackup that nobody expected to last 6 months.

Like personal wealth or good health, I'm convinced there's a large element of luck involved, not superior coping skills, affection, or surrendering one's will to another person.

[NRaleighLiberal]

6. It is luck to find the right person...then effort on both parts to tend the relationship

so that it flourishes and lasts. That's what I tell my girls! They are still looking....

[Warpy]

7. Hard work and a short memory

I see both those things at work in long term marriages among my friends.

Your girls will likely kiss a lot of frogs before they find the prince. That's so they can see the frogs coming from a distance and the prince will be more noticeable.

[NRaleighLiberal]

8. they've already been through many frogs! And are developing some good wisdom!

[malaise]

14. No wonder you're such a good gardener

[laundry_queen]

16. I totally agree.

I won't give all the examples of really nice people in my life who ended up with a real asshole the first time around and then went on to marry nice people like themselves and have it last for a really long time. Or the examples I know of dysfunctional jerks who are better off apart, but stick together because they are co-dependent or something similar. And you never know WHEN it might end. Yes, I'm divorced and in my support group I joined, there were people who had been together 20, 30 one guy even 50 years and his wife left him. I agree that it's just as likely a crapshoot as 'picking' and communication skills.

[Tierra_y_Libertad]

4. 33 years here. Patience, Pay attention, and a good sense of humor.

And, the ability to keep ones mouth shut some times. As in, "Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof."

[DustyJoe]

5. Well Crud

Just passed 46yrs in June and we eat on the couch in front of the TV.
Should I be consulting an attorney or just keep on trucking ?

[eissa]

9. This is just the sweetest thing! Thanks for sharing eom

[madokie]

10. My wife and I met soon after my return from the war back in october of '70

We hit it right off but there was a problem. I was bug nuts from the war and she was head over heals in love with me and I knew that and that kind of turned me off at the time. I knew nothing good could come of this as I had a lot of problems to work out so we drifted apart, She married one of my friends settled down somewhat had a son but wasn't too long until they drifted apart. She went through several partners and had another son. During this time I fell in love with one of her friends and we spent a lot of time together, several years actually, then it fell apart. I drifted in and out of relationships looking for that all elusive love that was right there for me all along but I was too problematic to see it. I always would come back to the thought of my now wife and wonder what life would be like if I'd just accepted the love way back then and reciprocated but water under the bridge and all that. Months turn into years and years into a long time until finally after about 20 of those years we have a happen chance to bump into each other, start talking and well the rest is history. We've been married since July of 90. I think that if we'd tried this at first like I'm sure she would have gone for it it never would have worked out due to my problems from 'Nam. I finally got most of that worked out of my system, by way of a bottle and a joint as a crutch but out of my system for the most part never the less. Theres not a day goes by that I don't tell her I love her and she doesn't tell me she loves me. We both know that in our heart of hearts but for some reason it just sounds right to hear it.
I'm been off the glass container for years now and off the weed a couple, she never was one to drink or smoke much, 'cept for a glass of wine from time to time. Me I'll still have a beer once in a while or part of one anyway, seems I always wind up pouring out more than I drink though. I just don't need the poison anymore.
the secret to long term love for us is giving each of us our space and spending a lot of time with each other. No matter what happens we sleep together every night. The last words I hear before drifting off and the first word I hear upon her waking is I love you. same from me to her.

[malaise]

12. Space, genuine friendship, expressions of affection, simple acts of kindness,

never belittling and laughing a lot at with and at each other - that works.
Yes there is some luck, but my mother always told us not even to date a man who did not have a good relationship with his female relatives - mother, grandmother, aunts, sisters, etc.

What a great story of life - you're lucky - you eventually found your love.

[Tikki]

11. I know you all have heard this before, but a sense of humor...not belittling or making slight, but a

real sense of what is funny or ironic about situations big and small really helps.

And be reciprocal, try it...you'd be surprise how enchanting a surprise statement or acknowledgment can be to someone.

August must be a popular month for marriages...seen a lot of anniversary posts this month...

The mister and I were married in August "the Summer of Love" 1967.


The Tikkis

[malaise]

13. Congrats

[frazzled]

15. Humor is what has kept mr. frazzled and me going for 40 years (this June)

Really, we can't even have a proper fight, because one of us will inevitably say something funny to make the other laugh. It becomes all the more important, I think, as you age. You have to laugh at yourself, at your mate, at each other ... because it really is amusing sometimes!

[mimi85]

17. You are SO right!

I think having a good sense of humor is the key. We got married the same year you did - but on New Year's Eve. Pissed my dad off no end that my husband claimed me as a deduction on his taxes for that year even though we were married for only 5 hours of 1967! Fortunately my dad and husband had a good laugh over it many years later. It would be interesting to see how many kids resulted from that infamous summer. Our daughter is 46 now.

My first love was such a heartthrob. Actual male model gorgeous and very bright. My parents were disappointed that we didn't end up together. Well, we ran into each other on Facebook (which I've since dropped - can't stand the BS), and he turned out to be an egotistical jerk! I had such a romanticized image of him over the years so it was good to get that out of the way. Too bad Mom and Dad aren't with us anymore - I'd love to tell them that.
So, Mr and Mrs Tikki, good for you and belated congratulations! Take good care!