Men need to feel less entitled and more empowered

[Recursion]

So, anyways, that's where I am right now. Rape culture is the result of men* feeling entitled but not empowered.

What got me thinking along these lines was an MRA talking point: "it's only harassment if the man is not attractive." For all I know, that has a factual basis: attractive men probably can get away with things that unattractive men can't, just like attractive women can vice unattractive women. But clearly this misses the real point. It misses the real point because it still has an adolescent rather than adult view of sex: it treats sex as a commodity that women "have" and favor or deny men with (quite unjustly denying them, as many MRA's would claim), rather than treating sex as an inherently mutual action.

I don't like bringing my own life into DU when I don't have to, but as an addict seeking recovery I can't help pointing out some similarities here. It's a narcissistic injury, just like when a drunk can't get booze or a fiend can't get coke. It causes a kind of panic: "if I can't get it now, I can never ever get it again". Been there; have the keyring.

The narcissistic injury is subtle and yet incredibly powerful. It makes you lie. Specifically, it makes you project everything bad about you onto someone -- anyone -- else. You're a drunk? You're not a drunk. Your old man was a drunk; you are just trying to get by (been there). You're an addict? Hell no. You've been using coke for 20 years and you're not addicted. That "addiction" talk is bullshit. You're a rejected PUA? It couldn't be that you are rejecting women right and left who don't meet your qualifications: no, you are in fact unjustly rejected at every step.

Empowerment is the opposite of privilege, and empowerment is what the MRA's of the world need. They need to realize that their worth is not based on which women do or do not want to sleep with them. They need to realize that sex is not a commodity; it's something they own just as much as the woman at the bar next to them does. They need to realize that the one common feature of their failed hook-ups is them.

Anyways. We need a lot more empowerment and a lot less entitlement in our talk about sex. Just wanted to throw that out there. I am in fact calling for a massive wave of male empowerment here. I think we should all get behind that.

* if your reaction was to say "but not all men" please step back for a slapping. We have more important things to deal with than you.

[seabeyond]

1. treating sex as an inherently mutual action.

worlds problem solved if we can get here, lol. i tease. i agree totally. very good OP.

i have been pounding into boys head last couple years.... the girl on their arm is not their worth. get past that. just like i tell girls, their looks are not their worth. the two we give to our kids

[Recursion]

2. Good for you!

We all do what we can

[Fumesucker]

3. You're a lot more likely to hook up if you can make yourself not care about rejection

It's like sending out hundreds of resumes and never getting a response, eventually the rejection wears a great many souls down.

I don't understand why a woman would want a man who wouldn't have enough emotional depth to react to a long series of very personal rejections. Every woman I know in a relationship would want her man to come to her if he felt that level of pain and rejection (not from hitting on women obviously), that's what women do if they hurt, but the unattached guy is supposed to suck it up and judged harshly if he doesn't. I've got kids and grandkids of both sexes and I've been scratching my head over how people act for a long time now.

I am starting to understand though how so many complete assholes can have several girlfriends at a time while constantly picking up new ones. "I sure am glad cowgirls have their names on their leather belts, it makes it a lot easier to talk to them in the morning." That's just about verbatim from one hunky urban cowboy I knew.

[seabeyond]

6. and the cowgirl is really glad the cowboy has his name on belt, cause he is just as forgettable.

when it is about sex.

maybe, .... men ought to get over themselves thinking it is all about the taking for them, and throw away the leftovers. maybe, some sex is just that for both of us

you think?

[Fumesucker]

8. I've sat on both sides of the employment interview process at different times

Being on the interviewing side is a lot easier emotionally than being the applicant. Being the applicant is the way a lot of men feel about trying for a relationship in our culture because of the expectation that the man take the initiative.

Women go through a lot of crap in our culture, things that wound and hurt, that doesn't mean men don't get a share of hurt sometimes too.

Would you want your children to come to you for emotional support if they were feeling a deep sense of rejection?

[Tuesday Afternoon]

4. as to motivation of all things ... simply put ...

if not for love then for fear.

I would think frustration boils down to fear and that lack of feeling empowered is essentially a feeling of frustration/fear.

[RedCappedBandit]

5. That's a really good post.

You demonstrate the value of empathy. It is worthwhile considering exactly where these feelings underlying some of the MRA's talking points are coming from, and thinking about how we can address them.

The empowerment (especially in contrast with entitlement) perspective is spot on. Most of us are victimized in some way by the patriarchal structure we've based our culture on. Men kind of victimize ourselves with this unhealthy view of what sex is or should be.

[jeff47]

7. Wouldn't you have to feel empowered in order to act on your entitlement?

This is probably splitting hairs on terminology, but wouldn't you have to feel empowered to act on your entitlement?

If you're entitled but not empowered, I would think you'd sit there grumbling about not getting "what you deserve" instead of acting out. For example, you'd just think "I deserve a woman as attractive as that" instead of actually catcalling.

However, I'm no wordsmith, so I have no good alternative phrasing.