An Open Letter to God

[WilliamPitt]

Dear God:

OK, you feckless fuck, listen up. I am about to walk out the door, get in my car, drive down to the community center, and cast MY THIRD VOTE AGAINST SCOTT BROWN IN FOUR YEARS IN TWO STATES. I consider my requirement to do this a hate crime, because You clearly hate me; I had to deal with two back-to-back elections with this assburger in Massachusetts, and then I moved to New Hampshire, and that fart in the wind of history followed me, and now I have to vote against him AGAIN after enduring a THIRD session of OMG SCOTT BROWN IS SO AWESOME YOU GUYS commercials running wall to wall on every station until they invaded my sleep.

Fuck you, God. If this was Your Big Plan, I intend to thwart it. I am so totally going to vote against this dickhead, and You can't stop me. Throw a tree in the road, have a deer try to eat my face, send wolves who shoot bees out of their noses to gnaw my bones: nope. With my vote, I will be a splinter in the stake that will FINALLY be driven through the heart of this wretched opportunistic political vampire.

If You're going to kill me, God, do it right now. My keys are in my hand, and I am out the door.

Fuck Scott Brown.

Sincerely Yours,

William Rivers Pitt

[hrmjustin]

1. Unrec!!!

God is not to blame for Brown!

[ChisolmTrailDem]

3. That's right...

...because God doesn't exist.

[hrmjustin]

5. Well we all have our views on that.

[ChisolmTrailDem]

12. Yes, and that's ok.

Actually, I'm agnostic. I find it incredibly mind-blowing that all of this simply evolved out of the primordial dust and ash. But the idea that it was controlled by a "God" seems equally doubtful.

As for my comment, sort of trying on of that particular side of my agnosticism.

Please pray for me in case I turn out to be wrong.

[hifiguy]

41. Re: Evolution from space dust, etc:

"That's what hydrogen atoms can do given 14 billion years." Carl Sagan.

[Blue_Tires]

58. If I was God, I would have abandoned mankind as well

All of the nonstop "What have you done for me lately" talk from billions of people probably gets old

[Nuclear Unicorn]

39. This thread is so childish --

Lena Dunham would touch it inappropriately.

[WilliamPitt]

46. OK

I peed a little.

[Warren Stupidity]

65. Wow. Just Wow!

[ChisolmTrailDem]

2. IKR? nt

[LawDeeDah]

4. Jesus!

[Tom_Foolery]

6. Amen, brother!

[99Forever]

7. Don't hold back WP.

(Awesome rant)

[djean111]

8. Excellent!!!!!!

But this - I will treasure always:

"send wolves who shoot bees out of their noses to gnaw my bones"

Thank you for the rant and the laugh and those words!

[uppityperson]

9. Unrec for thinking you matter personally to god.

[onecent]

10. YOU GO WILL!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You're the best!!!!!

[Tierra_y_Libertad]

11. God's pissed. Protect your foreskin!

Wherefore David arose and went, he and his men, and slew of the Philistines two hundred men; and David brought their foreskins, and they gave them in full tale to the king, that he might be the king's son in law. And Saul gave him Michal his daughter to wife.

1 Samuel 18:27

[B2G]

13. Was this really necessary? nt

[WilliamPitt]

20. Three times in four years.

Yes. It was necessary.

Fainting couches are in the den.

[trof]

59. And smelling salts?

Granny used 'em.
I think it was ammonia.
Bring you right around.

[JonLP24]

62. Could be

There is a point in there.

Reminds when I was watching the National Geographic show on the Maricopa County jail which was interesting because of my personal experience as a pre-trial defendant and how the narrorator described which the basic facts were 100% accurate but were portrayed as more scarier than actually are even with the things that actually are scary.

When the subject of the "chain gang" came up and they were burying unidentified victims & deceased, pastor or whoever gave a prayer asking god to end the violence. I'm sure somebody in human history asked god for the same thing before but yet it is still here with little to no chance of it going away soon. Which brings up the talking to god theory and the logic behind it. He knows people want this but still won't do anything.

This OP kinda brings it up but in a different way similar to Charles Barkley claiming the Suns wants them to win the NBA Finals after winning game 5. Even if there is a god, what is clear is that we're on our own.

[Rex]

14. Wait, wait...can you ask God to strike you down after you vote?

What if he strikes you down and Scott wins by ONE VOTE!? Oh sure, you might be in Heaven at the time, but you won't be happy knowing criminal shitwad won by ONE VOTE!

Tink bout it.

[Brainstormy]

15. Hillarious! And may this be

the LAST time.

[marions ghost]

16. Hahahahahahahahah

may you prevail

[MineralMan]

17. Wow! Did you think God was going to stop you?

Do you think any deity really cares whether or how you vote?

I'm just glad you're going to vote. Thanks for that.

[Silent3]

18. One hears such sounds, and what can one say but... "Salieri."

Against whatever cosmic forces may or may not be in play, this morning I played my part to once again defeat Scott Brown as well.

If we have to put up with a Republican-controlled Senate (and I'm still holding out a small bit of hope we won't) it will at least be some consolation that New Hampshire will have not have helped create that clusterfuck.

[NRaleighLiberal]

19. +1 for one truly supreme film line!

I use it often myself

[WilliamPitt]

21. There are some genuinely humorless folks on this board.

Just sayin'.

[rhett o rick]

69. Don't think too badly of them. They are as frustrated as you but instead of blaming God

they prefer to take out their anger on fellow Democrats.

As far as God goes, my friend said it well: One day God will look in the back of the refrigerator and find humans growing on some 10 millions year old take-out, she/he will snort, make a face, and throw us in the garbage.

[spanone]

22. bwahahahahahaaaa

[BlueJazz]

23. Obviously, William..you're going straight to Hell. So why oh why do you want to move to Florida?

I'll save you a cool one in Sarasota.

[Triana]

24. For the good or bad of it...if (s)he exists at all...

...

[Jester Messiah]

25. Return to Sender

Address Unknown
No such person
No such soul!

Honestly, I don't know how anyone can survey the state of this world and still think there's a God, at least one who isn't a complete and total fuck-up.

[LordGlenconner]

26. Well said

I've thought more or less the same thing since I was a child but I like the way you said it much better than my thoughts.

[WilliamPitt]

29. Jesus wept.

- shortest verse in the Bible

It was a JOKE, you mob of humorless scolds. Gadzooks.

Take a breath. Enjoy some humor. You'll live longer.

[Jester Messiah]

36. If it was anything it was a trope or conceit.

Jokes have punchlines and are funny. Your post was more akin to Eastwood's Chair.

[randys1]

27. Love this, if only there was a god to see it, but that is another lecture.

[badtoworse]

28. Will, you've posted a lot of good stuff, but this one's not on the list.

[WilliamPitt]

33. Why, exactly?

I'm dealing with a lot of humor-deficient people lobbing THERE IS NO GOD WHAAARGARBL at me in this thread already. Can you be more specific with your complaint? I'm genuinely curious.

Taking a shot in the dark: Maybe you don't appreciate me directing cuss-words at the Deity?

If so, it's going to crack me up. I managed to piss off the religious and the anti-religious in one fell swoop.

P.S. If God doesn't want us to make jokes at Her expense, She shouldn't have given us a sense of humor. If She's there, I'm pretty confident She gets the joke.

So...what? Explain, with thanks.

[badtoworse]

42. Directing that language at God is offensive, at least to me.

Whether you practice a religion or not, you must know that many on DU are religious. I think you should have considered that many here would share in my taking offense. If it was honestly intended as humor, I'll accept that, but I still think you showed very poor judgment.

[WilliamPitt]

47. God gave us the gift of language

and the free will to use it.

...and yeah, it was honestly intended as humor.

[kentuck]

48. Let us hope that God is a loving and forgiving God...

...and not a vengeful one...

[Arugula Latte]

52. Oh, I'm sure The Deity is loving to all humanity, if you overlook

the mass slaughter of natives to the Western Hemisphere, the Holocaust, the Black Plague, famine, disease, global warming, tornadoes, hurricanes, earthquakes, floods, infestations, vehicle crashes, and Mitch McConnell.

Glad I don't believe in such a "loving" supernatural being.

[Autumn]

56. Isn't it odd that we attribute the worst personality traits to a deity

that we must worship or suffer torment for an eternity? I would never have dated a person with just one of those nasty traits.

[Arugula Latte]

57. Yes, humanity/god -- talk about an abusive relationship!

Monotheism is a tough row to hoe. At least in pantheism you can blame bad stuff on this god and be thankful to that god/goddess for any good stuff. But in the Big Three monotheisms there's one god who is demonstrably cruel and evil -- yet "he" is loving and all-powerful. I guess that's where all the rationalizations stem from -- there's a plan, ours is not to know, we have free will, yada yada yada...

[Warren Stupidity]

68. BLASPHEMER!

In a decent god fearing country we could take this fucker Pitt and burn his tongue out or something, but the goddamn libruls won't let us do that so now G*D is going to put the Ebola on us and we is doomed.

[bravenak]

30. Totally.

I swear, this was like, the best!

[Blue_Tires]

31. God responds:

"Oh, and you're welcome for all the success Boston sports teams have enjoyed the past decade you ungrateful, petulant child!!"

[WilliamPitt]

34. MOAR WINZ PLEEZ

[Arugula Latte]

32. You're petitioning an angry sky god conjured up in Iron Age southern Canaan.

This invisible asshole has a long history of being a cruel, schizophrenic freakazoid. I mean, what did you expect?

[Fumesucker]

35. Damn Will, next to you Job was a Megamillions winner

[Autumn]

37. Thank fucking god you didn't call god a used car salesman. We would never hear the end of it.

"send wolves who shoot bees out of their noses to gnaw my bones" That's exactly how I want to die. Exactly.

[DonCoquixote]

38. Will, if you go to hell because of this letter

I suspect you will have honorable company, because anyone who does not see the GOP as evidence against the idea of a loving God is a fool, and a heaven set up by that God cannot be but hellish

[The Velveteen Ocelot]

40. LOL! You must feel accursed in some way

for Scott Brown to have followed you to another state, requiring you to have to vote against him once more. If there is a God, he/she/it has a twisted sense of humor. Or else (more likely, IMO), he/she/it has decided to just put Satan in charge of our political system while he/she/it sits back and giggles.

As twisted as it might be, I think God's sense of humor is better than those of some on DU. At least it exists - assuming God does.

[hifiguy]

43. Scott Brown is like the belches from a bad onion.

Just keep coming back.

[sadoldgirl]

44. Shame on you WP,

Did you not know that God created Scott in his image?

You should have written:
"Mother, I forgive you, because you did not know what you did."

[kentuck]

45. You sacreligious bastard!

Aren't you afraid of nothing?

[greytdemocrat]

49. It's a shame

Some people start drinking so early.

[Playinghardball]

50. BRAWHAHAHAHAAAAAAA

Good for you, Mr. Pitt!!!

[GeorgeGist]

51. OK, but ...

[EEO]

53. Dear God, You don't exist.

[1monster]

54. Will, watch out for stray lightening bolts...

[FarPoint]

55. Well said!

Open honesty can be cathartic. So very poetically expressed, one could feel cleansed. Thank you for sharing the letter.

[WillyT]

60. K & R !!!

[Zorra]

61. *sigh* Now you've really done it. Her punishment for your impudence will be Brown as the republican

Preisdential nominee in 2016.

That is all.

[WilliamPitt]

63. *ahem*

Thank you, God.

[Hassin Bin Sober]

64. K and r

Lol

[Warren Stupidity]

66. who could imagine that RIHID would appear in this thread?

*Religion Inflicted Humor Impairment Disorder

[WilliamPitt]

67. Shocked face