The 7 Worst Things That Happened This Week: Cheney Unapologetic After Torture Report

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http://www.alternet.org/7-worst-things-happened-week-cheney-unapologetic-after-torture-report

Why are you so mad about torture when you should be mad about universal healthcare?

If you’re a feeling person, chances are you’re still reeling with horror over the CIA torture report, the 600-page “Fuck You” to now debunked American values. But not everyone had a beef with years of anal sadism that accomplished exactly nothing. In an interview with NPR, Former Vice President Dick Cheney once again lived up to his nickname and said he had no sympathy for the detainees and would do it all over again. He shot back at criticism on ABC News: “What are we supposed to do? Kiss [the architect of the attacks] on two cheeks?” (What - you wouldn’t make the jump from a friendly greeting to shooting pureed hummus up someone’s rectum?!) Sandy Rios, a Fox News contributor who has her french-tipped tentacles in plenty of far-right garbage bins, also failed to see the problem with the report. On her radio show, she said she doesn’t mind torture, and this whole hullaballoo is really just a distraction from Obamacare anyway. Rios also admitted that she didn’t actually read the report - and given her fondness for slamming people like Eric Garner, she is no stranger to not reading things.

We must save our valiant men from rape-shrieking drama queens

As the account of the gang-rape at the center of Rolling Stone’s November 19 expose on UVA rape culture is called into serious question, some savvy analysts are confident the issue points to more than just unethical journalism and a college student suffering mental illness. Don’t let the fact that they’ve controlled institutional power for all of history fool you: the real victims in our society are men. Phyllis Schlafly, who famously helped knock down the Equal Rights Amendment, said the botched Rolling Stone tale proves how dangerous college is for dudes these days. “The feminists are perfectly glad to make false accusations and then claim all men are capable of some dastardly deed like rape,” Schlafly notes about a crime that usually goes unreported. Bill Frezza, who bravely chronicled the “decline and fall of entitlement democracy” at Forbes before getting canned, agreed that anti-rape movement is akin to the Salem With Trials. Meanwhile, Christina Hoff Summers of conservative think tank AEI tweeted that there is obviously a “false accusation culture” on American campuses - much to the delight of her patchy-bearded #GamerGate disciples.

Cancer patients chattering about money hurts Shell Oil’s feelings

After Shell Oil contaminated their soil with benzene, residents of Carson, California began to develop serious cancers and blood disorders. For this whoopsie-daisy, Shell agreed in November to dole out $90 million to the 1500 residents who live in the track most affected. (The settlement only pans out to $60,000 per-head before taxes or lawyers fees.) Still, Shell kinda wishes it never agreed to this and thinks it doesn’t seem fair anymore: on Friday, an attorney for the company told a judge that they should no longer be on the hook for the $90 mil since the settlement wasn’t kept secret. After all, it’s a slippery slope. If every cancer patient whose life Shell has ruined started to wine about money for medical bills, how could Shell afford any politicians?!

Burger King will preserve its wealth for the Burger Prince

A report released this week by Americans for Tax Fairness shows that Burger King will be costing us between $400 million and $1.2 billion over the next few years, whether you eat their shitty burgers or not. As a result of an unusual merger deal with their newly acquired Canadian company, Tim Hortons, top BK shareholders are poised to hang onto hundreds of millions in eased capital gains taxes between now and 2018. Unfortunately, though, this simply isn’t enough to pay workers ethically - the American public will continue to pay out approximately $356 million each year to supplement the poverty wages of BK employees. Still, Burger King swears this dirtbag deal had nothing to do with taxes - they’re just, like, really into Canada right now.