My abortion story

[pnwmom]

Last edited Thu Apr 2, 2015, 09:07 PM - Edit history (1)

It was my senior year of college and she was my best friend.

After a brief relationship with a boy who ended up dumping her, Susan found herself pregnant. She’d been using a doctor-prescribed method of contraception, but it had failed.

She couldn’t tell her parents; her dad was a minister. She couldn’t tell me – she knew I was Catholic. She must have felt all alone in the world.

So after agonizing in silence for several days, never even hinting she had a problem, she made a nice warm bath and lay down in it. She reached for the razor blade she’d put on the ledge of the tub. With the warm water, it wouldn’t take long to bleed out, and it wouldn’t hurt – much. Less than she had been hurting, anyway.

And then something stopped her. She was filled with peace as her path became clear. She would live. She’d have an abortion, but she would live.

The next day she made an appointment and in a few days had the procedure.

She finally told her father, the minister, who received the news with all the love and support that any parent should. And then she told me. What she had done and why she hadn’t been able to tell me till then.

And I felt terrible – terrible that just knowing I was Catholic (though neither of us ever went to church there) made her think she couldn’t confide in me, that I would judge her or try to stop her.

She almost killed herself because she thought she couldn’t tell her parents or her best friend.

I honestly hadn’t thought much about abortion till then; it was barely on my radar screen. But that was my wake-up call. Ever since, I’ve known that I can’t judge any woman who makes that choice. For whatever reason. She’s the one who has to live with the consequences of any pregnancy, not me. Who am I to tell her what she can or cannot handle?

What if my friend had slit her wrists because she was afraid of confiding in anyone, even me? How would I have lived with that?

P.S. After college she went to grad school, got a good job, got married and had children. They've been married a zillion years and she's a happy grandma now.

[NYC_SKP]

1. We must never let them repeal Roe V Wade...

And we need actually strengthen access to free clinics that offer services including mental health care.

In high school, a family member had an abortion and was able to do so as a minor because we had such services.

Among the loop holes that were available, her procedure was authorized because she might do suffer emotional harm if forced to bear the child.

[calimary]

37. AND we need to find more alternatives. MORE ways to provide access to abortion. Because

it's still needed. Women still need that option. Shit happens. And DAMMIT, women STILL need that! We have to get creative.

I read something about an offshore hospital where a woman doctor had set up shop to provide abortions for women whose options were and are steadily being closed down. We need to think of MORE ways in which pregnancy termination is available - whether it's someplace you go, or medication you take, or WHATEVER it is.

WHATEVER.

IT.

IS.

It is URGENT that we stay several steps ahead of these people who've made it their life's work to take our rights away, to take the very sovereignty of OUR BODIES away from us. Because this is an ABSOLUTE. This is NON-NEGOTIABLE.

As we've said about many other issues still oozing like a toxic pustule for years - "We've Already Had This Conversation."

[img][/img]

And I just want to say here that I've read the stories (in this thread and elsewhere) and I am grateful to you, my dear DU sisters, who are sharing these stories. Thank you for including us in your truth, your pain, your fear, your hard-earned experience. I'm grateful you are here to tell the tale. You are beacons of light - and enlightenment. You give the rest of us strength, and the fire and fortitude to fight on. You are inspirations, and the reason we're NOT going to give up this right that we all struggled and fought to win in the first place. We are NOT going to go back.

[NYC_SKP]

41. I remember that offshore save haven clinic. We also need funds/transportation.

For those women who are hundreds of miles from a provider.

Stupid ass backward states have made it harder and harder to be seen.

[pnwmom]

47. +1000. n/t

[ismnotwasm]

2. Great post

Unlike so many I didn't agonize over my reproductive decisions one bit. But my kids don't know about my abortion I had between my oldest daughter and my son. My daughter is Catholic, took to it much better than I ever did, and My son is deep waters, to this day.

While I don't nessasarily think that it was anything they need to know, my other two daughters have had abortions, both very nessasary in my opinion, although I made sure they knew it was their choice, not my opinion that mattered, and I shared my experiance in a general way.

However, I have to say it makes me sad that women feel guilt and shame over what is yes, a private affair, but shouldn't be such a difficult time. In the case of a wanted pregnancy--yes. That hurts. What an unwanted pregnancy should be as simple as possible, mentally, physically, emotionally. Friends and family should offer support, not censure.

[gwheezie]

3. My story

I was planning an escape from my abusive 1st husband when I became pregnant. I did not want to have sex with him for several months but it was preferable to a beating. The abortion was essential in order for me to leave. If he had any hint I was pregnant he would have followed me.

[pnwmom]

5. Thank you, gwheezie, for sharing this.

And I'm so glad you made the choice you did.

[PeaceNikki]

30. .

I am so glad you got out.

[calimary]

42. So glad you got out. And lived to tell.

Thank you for sharing this personal anguish. NO woman should have to go through anything like that. Sounds to me like you did exactly the correct thing. That was really brave! And it had to be hard, too, on so many levels.

[Hekate]

4. Testify

Your story has brought tears to this grandma's eyes.

Why do we have to keep fighting this battle over and over and over?

Hekate

[qwlauren35]

6. My story

I got pregnant by a guy with whom things hadn't worked out. We broke up and two weeks later I found out that I was pregnant. This guy LOVED children and desperately wanted one. I was scared to death that he would make me keep it, and because I believe that both parents should love their child, I would have been bound to him for life. The thought made me ill. I also couldn't have hidden the pregnancy and put the child up for adoption - he worked in my building. He would have insisted on keeping the child, and him as a father also made me ill.

So, I had an abortion. And told no one, because it was my second and one was accepted but two meant I hadn't learned from the first one. And I admit, it was unprotected sex, and I kicked myself for a long time afterwards.

There is a LOT of cramping after an abortion, but I didn't want anyone to question why I was so sick. So the day after the abortion was Memorial Day weekend, and I always had an annual picnic. I went through with it. Nuts. I was in so much pain.

I eventually told my sister, and as I expected, she expressed her opinion. We didn't talk for 6 months. I didn't want to be lectured.

I have always looked at abortion as a right, and a solution to a messy situation. However, I have been beaten over the head with "it's a life", so now I look at it as "ending a life". And maybe I will burn in hell. But I'm going to take that risk rather than go through an unwanted pregnancy.

[Skidmore]

7. I hear you.

And I honor your choice. I support the choice you made and your right to make it without judgment.

[pnwmom]

8. Thank you, qwlauren35.

I'm sorry you had to go through that difficult situation and that your sister reacted as she did. You made a mistake, but you did the best you could to correct it. You aren't perfect. Join the club.

[ismnotwasm]

15. I'm not religious

But the best line about abortion rights from that angle I ever read was in a fantasy series (written by Jim Morrison's ex-wife!) many years ago

"No soul is ever wasted"

[Skidmore]

9. I've been reading the stories on this thread.

I'm a firm believer in the right to choose. I never had an abortion but my ex-husband was not happy when we had an unplanned pregnancy before he could graduate from college. He wanted me to have an abortion but I didn't see the need nor did I want to. That baby just turned 40 this year. I knew girls in school who had abortions and one who suffered some severe health problems from hers.

When I went to Iran, I came to realize that no matter how restrictive a society is, even a theocracy, women will still have the same problems and find a way to have an abortion. It happens there, as do rape, incest, and abuse. And women find a way.

A woman's body is her own. Her choice is her own.

[pnwmom]

11. Thank you for your perspective on this, Skidmore!

Yes: "A woman's body is her own. Her choice is her own."

Absolutely.

[PeaceNikki]

10. I am so glad that your friend had a choice.

I was 22 years old. I had a four year-old. I was in an extremely physically and emotionally abusive marriage; too scared to leave.

My ex-husband had "lost" his job and he was carrying our insurance. I had just entered the full-time work force about a year earlier and had just started to build a career. I was just accepted into a management training program and saw an opportunity to make something of myself. My ex was threatened by this and thought I'd leave. So, he intentionally broke a condom. How do I know this? He told me after the fact.

So, here I was, deathly afraid of the man I called my husband, no insurance, hardly able to make ends meet - and pregnant. I knew that bringing another child into this world in such an awful circumstance with a man who was an evil alcoholic and had already proven himself as a sorry excuse for a father was wrong.

So, on the most ironic of days, Mother's Day... I had an abortion. I know that it was the right choice. Five long years later I gained the strength and self-respect to get out of the marriage. But, the scars that the man left on me and my son are permanent.

Strength to all of us women. It's a very personal decision and I am sickened that some would classify mine (or anyone's) as an abortion of "convenience". No, it was survival.

Choice does not force beliefs and decisions onto people, restricting choice does.

Peace and strength to all women faced with difficult decisions. I will fight until my last breath for the rights of all of us to be in control of our own future.

[pnwmom]

12. Thank you, PeaceNikki. I think the more we share our stories,

the better others will understand.

I'm glad you and your son made it out of that marriage and into a better life.

[PeaceNikki]

16. Thank you for this thread. Abortion is a moral and positive choice that liberates women, saves lives

and protects families.

There are more and more efforts to talk about it, to destigmatize it.

Here's a piece from my journal I refer to often: http://www.democraticunderground.com/10025684730

snip

Nearly one in three American women will have an abortion by age 45. Why are we so afraid to talk about it—or to acknowledge that our lives would have been so much less than we hoped for without it? Why are we pressured to feel that we should regret our choice, and that there's something wrong with us if we don't?

...

For a small segment of women—and the number is small, by any reasonably scientific account—abortion is indeed a tragedy, a trauma with long-lasting reverberations. But I want to tell a different story, the more common yet strangely hidden one, which is that I don't feel guilty and tortured about my abortion. Or rather, my abortions. There, I said it.

"Abortion. We need to talk about it," Pollitt beseeches in Pro. "We need to talk about it differently. Not as something we all agree is a bad thing about which we shake our heads sadly and then debate its precise degree of badness, preening ourselves on our judiciousness and moral seriousness as we argue about this or that restriction on this or that kind of woman. We need to talk about ending a pregnancy as a common, even normal, event in the reproductive lives of women."

snip

[pnwmom]

22. Almost 1 in 3. Wow. I didn't know that. Thanks for the info, PeaceNikki. n/t

[gwheezie]

13. I understand

I will never vote for anyone who wants to restrict my rights.

[PeaceNikki]

17. Exactly. I will never even respect anyone who wants to restrict women's reproductive rights.

Ever.

It's such a personal decision and women can and should be trusted to make it.

[KMOD]

14. Peace and strength to all women faced with difficult decisions

I will fight until my last breath for the rights of all of us to be in control of our own future.

+ 1,000,000 PeaceNikki

Hugs to all of the amazing and courageous women in this thread.

[lark]

26. I will be on the line, shoulder to shoulder with you, PeaceNikki.

No one is going to turn females into mere brood mares, at least not while I have breath and strength to fight it. Having an abortion and getting rid of my ex were two of the best things I've ever done and set me up for the emotionally happy family life I have now. I have never for a minute felt one iota of remorse or guilt. I did what I had to do to keep the psychopath and his rich daddy from controlling my life and screwing up an innocent child.

[PeaceNikki]

53. I've heard it here on DU: "We don't have to *pretend* abortion is a good thing".

I'm not pretending, it *IS* a good thing. Women have to control their fertility for 30-40 years. That is an awfully long time not to make mistakes, to not have any failure in process or judgement. Abortion allows us to decide the direction, to allow our education, careers and health to go the way that is best for ourselves. Abortion allows us to decide to become parents when we are ready to be good parents.

Abortion is a moral and positive choice that liberates women, saves lives, and protects families.

[qwlauren35]

32. Thank you for sharing the story of your courage.

It definitely sounds like a survival issue. I think some people just don't want to admit that bringing a baby into a marriage can destroy the marriage, or the lives of those in the marriage. An "unwanted" pregnancy can be a euphemism. Some pregnancies go far beyond unwanted. They are disastrous. I am so glad that abortion was an option for you.

[City Lights]

18. Thank you for sharing, pnwmom.

[fadedrose]

19. Just keep being the good friend you are..

So many unwanted babies grow up with no one to feed, clean, and nurture them, help with their homework, etc., no wonder so many may end up in a prison. If a woman feels guilty about the child when it's born, it'll show up somewhere in their relationship. Lucky is the baby who's wanted..and lots of married women don't want more or any children.

Times are changing, help for unwed mothers, etc., helps, but losing the love and respect of one's family and friends, or employment, is a scary thought.

[wryter2000]

20. I had an abortion before Roe v. Wade

I had to travel to Japan to get it, where it was legal. I was 17 and alone and had never been out of the country before. I don't really care to go into more detail.

If you think that sounds hard, remember I was one of the lucky ones in that I had the resources to do that. I didn't have to go to a butcher and take my chances.

[pnwmom]

23. Well, I do think that sounds hard -- way too hard, and quite a lot for a 17 year old to handle.

Or anyone, for that matter.

This is why we need safe and legal abortion everywhere. Women will find a way by one means or another. I'm glad you had the means to choose a safe way.

[mopinko]

21. we need to stop saying "it is always a gut wrenching decision". sometimes it is a no-brainer.

we need to stop apologizing. we need to stop shaming anyone whose gut was not wrenched.

true, that is often the case. but for those who are horrified by the positive pregnancy test, and never, for a minute, want to carry the pregnancy, we should salute their courage.
we should salute their clear headed control of their own lives.
we should make that the norm for all women who chose to take care of themselves.

in many, many cases, there are no regrets. and their shouldnt be.
to say otherwise is condescending to women of courage.

[PeaceNikki]

24. Exactly. We need to stop insisting that they be 'rare', but demanding they be safe and accessible.

BUT... it's really not 'often' gut wrenching. We're made to believe it should be and shame women who are relieved.

[lark]

28. We need to maintain quick access to the morning after pill.

We need for minors to be able to get birth control and morning after pills without having some asshole dr. or pharmacist refuse to help them. Give young women control of their bodies, absent a parent's consent, and abortions will be far less frequent (though the need will never be totally eliminated) . Given the road blocks being put up by women hating Repugs, abortions are needed way more often than they should be in a sane world.

[PeaceNikki]

29. I agree.

[pnwmom]

33. Good points. You'd think that would be something everyone could agree on --

but we know that's not the case.

[lark]

49. Because abortions aren't really the root issue.

The root issue is controlling women and forcing them to do as the men want. All the rest is just window dressing.

[mopinko]

54. passing that little packet of dna on to the next generation is our most basic function.

but men need a woman for that. assholes have a lot of trouble in that department. so the assholes stick together to make sure THEIR little packet doesnt get flushed.

poor little cry babies.

[pnwmom]

25. You are right -- every woman's situation is unique.

That's why I'm glad so many different women are sharing their experiences here.

[mopinko]

39. you are right. the stories really matter.

women who are glad they did it are often shamed into not telling their stories, tho.
that is why the shaming must end.

[libodem]

34. Word!

[Hekate]

43. +100000. I realized at some point I had to stop trying to protect the feelings of pro-birthers....

....and simply stand up for my sisters, no mincing words. I've always been strong in LTTEs and other written formats, but would try to soften my opinions in person. I realized that was worse than useless, it was counterproductive. Oh, I can be polite, but no more half-apologies.

We are all in this together, and frankly, it's the grandmothers who carry memories of what went before. Never forget.

[pnwmom]

48. "it's the grandmothers who carry memories of what went before."

Yup. And we won't forget.

[uppityperson]

44. Not my story, but stories

A friend had her 4th abortion in 2 years because oral contraceptives were not right for her, condoms failed and she was not ready to take on parenthood. It was for her an easy decision. She later decided it was time, now has a teenager.

An acquaintance was happily pregnant with twins and heartbreakingly miscarried one. She got an abortion rather than waiting for the inevitable, for the second to also die and be passed. It was for her a heartbreaking decision. The couple conceived again quickly, now are grandparents.

A friend got pregnant and rather than getting a divorce got an abortion. It was for her a complicated decision. She has no children.

A 45 yr old acquaintance was pregnant and rather than risking genetic issues and dedicating her next 20 years to raising another child, got an abortion. For her it was an easy though also complicated decision without regrets.

There is no "right way" to feel or be but many different ways.

No judgements.

[ErikJ]

27. I wonder if they normally check for pregnancy when women commit suicide?

If she succeeded they might not have ever known.

[mopinko]

38. if there was an autopsy it would be found.

presuming they did a full autopsy, and didnt stop at establishing the cause of death.

[Hekate]

50. As the comic old folk song put it: "the coroner's 'quest was hard with me, because I'd acted frailly...

...."Now Parson Biggs won't bury me, though I'm a dead Miss Bailey. Poor Miss Bailey, unfortunate Miss Bailey."

So I guess that would be a yes. They will find out if a female suicide was pregnant.

[Thinkingabout]

31. I am a very firm believer in it is the woman's decision, hers alone, others should not make

the decision. I made my decision if I became pregnant I was going to get an abortion after 30, I did not have to have an abortion because I used protection. I do not want to see Roe vs Wade overturned, just as I had the option to have a safe abortion I want this extended to others. I have supported others in their decision and I would do this again.

[calimary]

35. My story came from my late father-in-law. He was an internal-medicine MD.

He was pretty conservative. But not on this issue, which surprised me.

He told this story about something that had happened years ago when he was a young doctor. How he had to rush a hemorrhaging young woman to the hospital, whom he'd found, bleeding nearly to death, and bundled her up in the back of his car so she could lie down across the back seat til he could get her to some help.

She'd just had a back-alley abortion, and of course it went badly. She was, frankly, dying. Butchered and bleeding to death. He got her to the hospital in time and saved her life. He found he could not oppose safe and legal abortion from that moment on. And he sure didn't feel he could sit in judgment of her for what she did. It drove home for him the need for safe and legal termination of pregnancy. So that he wasn't scraping another young woman off the sidewalk while she was bleeding to death.

God Bless him richly! Rest in peace with the Angels, Doc. You were a truly kind and compassionate and noble man.

Makes me wanna cry.

[pnwmom]

45. Your father-in-law was a wonderful man, and clearly lucky

to have you as a daughter-in-law, calimary.

[PeaceNikki]

52. He sounds like an amazing man.

[jwirr]

36. My story is a little different than the younger women who have written here. I was divorced 2

years, had 3 children and one who was severely disabled. I was on welfare and going to college at a Christian college. Had an affair with a man and it did not work out to say the least.

I had a IUD but it was one of those that later was shown to be defective. I got pregnant. The so called Christian college would have kicked me out and I did not want another child. So I got an abortion. Was extremely emotional for weeks afterward.

And no one to talk to. To this day the only ones I have told are my sister who said she was sorry and some of the people here on DU in another thread. I am still poor but I would be much worse off now if I had not had that abortion.

Roe vs Wade is very vital to the women of this country. We cannot let them take it from us.

[pnwmom]

46. Thank you for sharing this with us now. Roe vs. Wade is vital and all our stories

help to show why that is true.

I'm sorry you didn't have anyone to talk to then, but I'm glad things are better for you now.

[mopinko]

56. not an unusual story, tho.

married women with children already are a large portion of abortions.

jeannie morris, wife of a big football player and teevee personality johnnie morris, told her story of going to mexico to get an abortion as her marriage was falling apart.

[jwirr]

58. And I would imagine that today with the economy not working for many of us it is even more common.

[mopinko]

59. yeah, cuz the 1% is so prolife.

[erronis]

40. We are still one of the most backwards countries -

Especially when it comes to real humanity and ethics.

The civilized world no longer treats dictates of some religion as the do-all/end-all statement. For some reason, the USofA still has it's xian immans and camp followers that can't/won't be open-minded, even skeptical.

Morality is in the minds (and mouths) of a lot of religious people but we usually find out they aren't that way themselves.

Going through this horrible decision alone while still so young to not have a good frame of reference for what life will offer in the future is terrible.

Many of us (myself included) have contemplated suicide as a respite from all those thoughts that are coursing through our brains. Most of us have let time and hopefully a friend bring us a sense of reality.

[yallerdawg]

51. I unconditionally support choice.

Legal and safe termination of unwanted pregnancy should be available to every female on this planet. No questions, no conditions. Period.

These stories are our stories. Thank you all for telling them.

[fizzgig]

55. i've appreciated reading all of these stories

i am lucky to live in a state where my rights are protected and it is unacceptable that there are women in this country, in the world, who do not have the same right to bodily autonomy that i do.

[mopinko]

57. a story of a friend of mine.

another post in this thread reminds me of this story-

i had a neighbor. she was a catholic, tho didnt practice that much.
she was staunchly pro-life. but she needed a job, was qualified as a medical assistant, and fell into a job in an abortion clinic. tho she was conflicted, she needed the money.

being a good catholic, she used "vatican roulette" as birth control.
consequently, she had 4 kids. her marriage was rocky. the family barely made ends meet.

she also slowly started to realize what choice really met to the women who came through the clinic. and what kind of people ran the clinic. she had soften her stance slowly.

when she found herself pregnant for the 5th time, she didnt agonize that much. she knew what it would mean for her and for her 4 kids.
she had an abortion. i was proud of her.
it was a tremendous relief for her and for her family.