Florida man declares himself to be God, has sex with a tree

[Cali_Democrat]

A man in Melbourne, Florida, allegedly high on a synthetic drug, is accused of attacking a police officer and repeatedly declaring himself to be God, after having sex with a tree.

Kenneth Crowder, 41, was arrested Friday after witnesses reported a naked man running through their neighborhood, and performing a sexual act on a tree, ClickOrlando.com reports.


http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2015/04/15/kenneth-crowder-sex-with-tree_n_7072596.html?utm_hp_ref=crime&ir=Crime

[KamaAina]

1. He must not be very poplar with women.

[Cali_Democrat]

4. I don't understand why

he looks like a helluva catch.

[pinboy3niner]

21. Take a bough

Yucca, yucca, yucca.

[NM_Birder]

126. that was Awesome!

[malaise]

190. DUzy

[tularetom]

80. Yew aren't being fair to him

[wendylaroux]

139. Ha!!!

[pinboy3niner]

158. I suspect the guy is arbordextrous

He may even be into a treeway.

[PufPuf23]

192. He got wood tho. nt

[KamaAina]

2. Is he pining away for more?

[LiberalEsto]

12. Not if the tree

was a real beech

[KamaAina]

13. Oh no you di'int!

[Lithos]

79. Fir-sur, fir-sure

While some may think him poplar, he only looks media-oak-re to me... I would, however, make sure any jury gets Sequoiaestered...

[InAbLuEsTaTe]

108. A better question: is his last name Rubio?

[KamaAina]

125. No.

He would be having oral sex with a water bottle.

[polichick]

5. Fuckin' Floriduh Man!

[pinboy3niner]

22. He's branching out

[Cali_Democrat]

46. HAHAHA. nt

[pinboy3niner]

149. Spelling-challenged guy got high and decided to make a rooty call

[AngryAmish]

6. And who are we to disagree?

[LiberalEsto]

7. Sounds like he had a heckuva woody

And now it's just a stump

[Archae]

8. Ouch ouch ouch...

And I don't mean the guy's face!

[Warpy]

101. Well, picking the splinters out of Little Godhead

will keep him quietly occupied for a while.

My favorite is still the guy who was naked and loving the umbrella hole in the family patio table.

[NoJusticeNoPeace]

9. Chris, Mitt, is that you? Ted? Rand?

[flamin lib]

10. Hmmm, gives a whole new meaning to having a woody. nt

[In_The_Wind]

11. o.m.g.

^T ^H ^O ^R

[KamaAina]

14. The question is, is the tree going to leave him?

[pinboy3niner]

16. Hard to say if the tree willow won't

[underpants]

40. Only if it's fall

[TheCowsCameHome]

15. This guy must be knots.

[pinboy3niner]

33. When the police cars rolled up, he didn't even cedar lights

[Arugula Latte]

123. He was distracted -- too busy nailing it.

[pinboy3niner]

188. He always wanted to ply wood

He just had to be well-laminated to actually do it.

[Arugula Latte]

189. I guess that's knot uncommon.

Some men need a little loosening up before they can make love to a burl.

[Politicalboi]

17. That tree packs a punch

Sap sucker!

[pinboy3niner]

18. Must've been a Boxwood

[LiberalEsto]

20. He thought it had a nice Ash

[BrotherIvan]

109. You won this thread

Hands down

[onethatcares]

19. "I think

that I will never see"

but then again, I haven't been that stoned in a long, long time.

[Yavin4]

23. Consider the splinters

Ouch!

[pinboy3niner]

28. He learned there's no such thing as a safe arbor

[Arugula Latte]

121. It can also be hard on the lower spine. I wonder if he got a lumber vertebrae injury.

[pinboy3niner]

147. I'm worried about the tree's limbic system. nt

[libdem4life]

24. Tree to Idiot: Was it good for you? No smoking, however.

[pinboy3niner]

25. Some see fireworks; he sawdust

[treestar]

64. LOL !!!!

[Binkie The Clown]

26. He does look a lot like Jesus. Maybe he IS related to the God family.

Perhaps a second cousin of Krishna. Who knows?

[Major Nikon]

27. The evidence is just as strong as for any other god

Perhaps even more so.

[Binkie The Clown]

29. At least in his case...

we are not relying on third-hand hearsay reports of claims of godhood. We have it straight from the deity's own mouth.

[pinboy3niner]

30. Yew wood say that

[Warren DeMontague]

114. at the family reunions he is known as

"Cousin Ken, the bath salt treefucker"


...bet he found out what the frequency is.

[pinboy3niner]

31. What's the charge--committing fouliage?

[underpants]

37. Treeson

[Arugula Latte]

124. He was also charged with topiary rape.

[pinboy3niner]

32. Because of the drug use they also charged him with twigging

[underpants]

36. Having to spit out the bark really kills the mood

I am told

[pinboy3niner]

34. It goes against my grain, but K&R!

[undeterred]

35. A religious Arborsexual.

[Scurrilous]

38. Forrest Hump. n/t

[customerserviceguy]

82. Ok, ok, I've read them all

And that was the funniest! Thanks, Scurrilous, you live up to your name!

[Scurrilous]

84. ....

[pinboy3niner]

85. Run, forest! Run!

[Warren DeMontague]

129. I'm just gonna hang out in this thread until the primaries are over.

[Arugula Latte]

135. Hey, Hillary is running, acacia didn't hear.

[pinboy3niner]

153. If Baba Wawa asks what kind of a tree you'd be, you can answer, "Chickenwood"

[pinboy3niner]

186. The tree is working on her platform; she already has a few planks

[underpants]

39. Don't f^<k with Mother Nature

[pinboy3niner]

41. It pays to use caution when embarking on a love affir

Yew never know what can aspen.

[underpants]

51. Nearly lost you there

[Tierra_y_Libertad]

42. Was it consensual? Was the tree wearing provacative clothing?

[Spirochete]

43. I guess he misunderstood

what that whole Rosie Palm reference was about

[seveneyes]

44. Grafting his seedling

[justhanginon]

45. It may work for some people but knot for me! I wood never

do that and I assure you I leaf trees strictly alone.

[pinboy3niner]

49. Smart thinking! Yew could get beaten to a pulp like him.

[underpants]

56. My leaf blower has reverse action

Stop bothering me in the shed

[nolabear]

47. Poems were made by fools like me/But only God can fuck a tree.

[pinboy3niner]

55. And Lo, on the third day God said He would make a tree...

[jberryhill]

57. Damn. Beat me to it

[pinboy3niner]

61. I arbored de same thought but de cided to stay on de fence

[nolabear]

72. his name was revealed to be Chuck Wood, which answers the question

"How much wood would Chuck Wood fuck if Chuck Wood could fuck wood?"

[pinboy3niner]

73. LOL!

Is he from Nantucket?

[Warren DeMontague]

127. For the win.

[geek tragedy]

48. "knock ON wood, not knock UP wood" nt

[pinboy3niner]

74. The inevitable mental evaluation may help to get to the guy's root problem

[geek tragedy]

76. So he can turn over a new leaf. nt

[Arugula Latte]

122. He's driven compulsively. He has a lot of stick-to-iveness when it comes to tree lovin'.

[pinboy3niner]

50. BREAKING: This story is now set to air on the next episode of COPSE

[msanthrope]

163. I can't wait for the Law&Order Parks Department episode: "Fatwood." nt

[pinboy3niner]

164. Raped from the headlines!

Oy!

[msanthrope]

166. It'll be a "He said, Tree said" kind of case. nt

[pinboy3niner]

169. At least she has the copse on her side. nt

[msanthrope]

170. I think they got the tree an arborist....it had a buckeye. nt

[BlueJazz]

52. Why in the heck wood he do that? Has me stumped.

[pinboy3niner]

185. When he saw the beam in her eye he couldn't help himself

[BlueJazz]

187. !

[Dont call me Shirley]

53. OUCH! The poor traumatized tree!

[treestar]

65. Did this tree consent? I think not.

Reminds me of the guy who did a picnic table.

[Dont call me Shirley]

66. Wood, plastic or concrete?

[geek tragedy]

78. There was cone scent though. nt

[NuclearDem]

91. Ow, that one hurt.

[pinboy3niner]

95. Not as much as sex with a tree

Guy obviously should have used mayonnaise.

[Arugula Latte]

136. The sex got a little rough. At one point the tree had him in a hemlock.

[treestar]

115. lol !!!!

[pinboy3niner]

69. The poor thing was probably petrified

[jberryhill]

54. Joyce Kilmer was right!

Poems are made by fools like me,
But only God...

[Rex]

58. Er...how do you perform a sexual act on a tree? NM. I probably don't want to know.

He looks, rejected? I wonder if the tree said afterward, that they should see other conifers?

[pinboy3niner]

62. It's a real cone undrum

[TheCowsCameHome]

63. Maybe knot holes are functional?

At least this guy thought so.

[darkangel218]

71. Havent you heard of squirrels holes?

I have no idea, just brainstorming

[NuclearDem]

92. Did nobody have the talk with you?

When a mommy tree and a drug-addled Florida psycho love each other....

[Rex]

99. LOL!

I wonder how long the baby tree things live dependent on the mommy tree?

[pinboy3niner]

100. Talk about separation anxiety!

[pinboy3niner]

182. The secret is filed away in his trunk

[REP]

60. I pine fir yew and balsam, too

Must have been a naughty pine.

[pinboy3niner]

68. He thought he was God and it was His Man Grove

[MerryBlooms]

67. How horrible. I can't even imagine being so drug dependent as to fuck up this badly.

I hope he gets the help he so obviously needs.
Terribly sad.

[Warren DeMontague]

128. Honestly, it might not be a "dependency" situation, so much as a lack of tolerance.

God knows what crazy combination of chemicals he was on, but pretty clearly he was out of his depth.

[darkangel218]

70. I saw that on Wesh news lol

Poor guy.

[pinboy3niner]

75. I guess they were right about the Second Coming

[geek tragedy]

77. "Cedar? Nah, I pulled out." nt

[pinboy3niner]

81. Eucalyptus interruptus?

[VanillaRhapsody]

83. It looks to me like the tree was having none of it!

and the tree won! He was obviously barking up the wrong tree!!!

[d_legendary1]

86. I don't think that's what they meant when they said "Family Tree"

[pinboy3niner]

87. He apparently thought it was the Twee of Wife

[d_legendary1]

89. I can only imagine the kind of nuts that tree is going to produce

[Yo_Mama_Been_Loggin]

88. TMI

[whathehell]

90. It sounds weird..It just goes against the grain..

not to mention the groin.

[pinboy3niner]

93. To be fair, it was supposed to be a privates date until the cops spoiled it

[whathehell]

117. Touche!

[pinboy3niner]

94. Gives a whole new meaning to 'tree hugger'

[Tree-Hugger]

96. I have nothing witty to add

.....this thread has me hysterically laughing.

[pinboy3niner]

98. How did you get sprung so soon?

[lovemydog]

110. Same here Tree-Hugger.

I will give you a platonic hug:

[Omaha Steve]

97. He cheated on his steady, a peony bush

[sdfernando]

102. I guess he had WOOD!

[Arugula Latte]

103. I heard he took the tree's cherry.

[Arugula Latte]

104. But at least he spruced himself up and put on some Axe before the act.

[Arugula Latte]

105. Everyone is getting awl up in their business about this love affair.

Last edited Fri Apr 17, 2015, 11:19 AM - Edit history (1)

[Arugula Latte]

106. She gave him a hickory on his neck.

[Arugula Latte]

107. The tree gets around. Some say it is a real slat.

Last edited Fri Apr 17, 2015, 11:13 AM - Edit history (1)

[Arugula Latte]

119. If he liked it then he should have put (another) ring on it.

[Lil Missy]

111. How to ...??? Nevermind. I don't want to know. n/t

[Lancero]

112. Sticking a toothpick in a tree - Guess he arranged a family reunion?

[Warren DeMontague]

113. This is why we need these religious freedom state laws.

It is important that the faithful be allowed to follow their conscience, and worship according to the dictates of their deeply held beliefs.

[underahedgerow]

116. Momma always said 'men will &#@!! mud...'

Trees, picnic tables, road kill... glory holes in filthy restrooms, all I can do is shake my head, *sigh* and blink.

[Arugula Latte]

118. Wasn't there a scene in Robinson Crusoe where

someone had sex with a hole in the ground? I can't remember if it was Robinson, Friday, or a different character...

[SidDithers]

120. Huh. Now there's something you don't see every day...nt

Sid

[ScreamingMeemie]

130. Why, he must be barking mad.

[get the red out]

131. He's almost as crazy as Rand Paul

[liberal N proud]

132. From the picture, it looks like the treee got the better of him.

[Quantess]

133. He just took tree-hugging to a new level.

He reallly loves trees.

[HockeyMom]

134. Use a Condom. Practice Safe Sex

So you don't catch splinters!!!!!!!

[Arugula Latte]

138. I heard he's already come down with a case of genital termites.

[msanthrope]

165. Would you use a condom if it was a rubber tree? Seems like overkill. nt

[Arugula Latte]

137. Zeus and Tree, sittin' in a tree, F - U - * - * - I - N - G

[wendylaroux]

140. Can not stand

those hippie tree fuggers.

[GreatCaesarsGhost]

141. Red-necked Peckerwood

[hifiguy]

142. Fifty years ago people always said that Caifornia

was where all the nuts wound up.

Florida has held that distinction for at least twenty years.

Wonder it this genius got any splinters.

[sakabatou]

143. Shouldn't this be in the Weird News forum?

[Warren DeMontague]

145. I blame ACORN.

[pinboy3niner]

146. ...

[pinboy3niner]

148. He may be a nice guy most of the time but this makes it hard to photosympathize

[pinboy3niner]

150. He was doing fine until he disturbed the hornets' nest...

That was when he learned his lesion.

[pinboy3niner]

151. If I were a carpenter...and you were a mahogany

Would you marry me anyway?
Would you have my baby Tweak tree?

[pinboy3niner]

152. There's no telling what some people will cotton to

Yucca, yucca, yucca.

[LeftishBrit]

154. He must have been BARKING mad.

Now his children will have wooden heads, and vote Republican.

[pinboy3niner]

155. A Teabagger watering the Tree of Liberty?

[pinboy3niner]

156. New take on the proverbial question: If a tweaker fucks in the forest...

[Jesus Malverde]

157. Florida brings out the tree lovers

https://m.

[Warren DeMontague]

178. it's not even Arbor day!

[betsuni]

159. And the tree will probably never hear from him again.

Squirrels are terrible gossips and the whole forest knows all about what God did to this poor tree.

[pinboy3niner]

160. Guy wanted excitement and his regular dates just didn't have enough bark. nt

[pinboy3niner]

161. If I had a nickel for every time this happened to me...

[msanthrope]

174. A wooden nickel, right? nt

[pinboy3niner]

175. Of course, lol!

[pinboy3niner]

162. I could make an arboretum joke but I really don't want to go there

[pinboy3niner]

167. Run, forest! Run!

[cwydro]

168. Woodpecker?

Only in Florida lol.

[pinboy3niner]

173. When arrested, he stated to police...

[cwydro]

181. ...

[pinboy3niner]

171. Guy just wanted to get his grove on

[pinboy3niner]

172. Treemendous!

I love this thread!

[Warren DeMontague]

176. DONALD TRUMP, ON THE OTHER HAND, COULD SATISFY THAT TREE

Vote Trump!

[pinboy3niner]

177. That's neither here nor hair

Please try to stay on topic.

[Surya Gayatri]

179. Gives a whole new definition to "tree-hugger"...LOL!

[pinboy3niner]

180. Probably not just a gynecologist practicinig his love

[ck4829]

183. Wait, does "religious freedom" not apply to a man declaring himself to be God?

[pinboy3niner]

184. We get amorous, but when this guy gets high he gets arborus

Still. I wood not judge him for whom he loves. If a tree gives him a come-heather look, far be it from me to criticize.

[Arugula Latte]

191. Surely you joist.

[pinboy3niner]

193. That takes a lot of balsa! nt