So I'm facing a quandary

[Scootaloo]

My father apparently wants me to friend him on Facebook, and get more "in touch" with him. We've been estranged since 1998, when my mother, sister, and I left Alabama to go to Alaska - in large part due to my dad's then-fiancee harassing my mother with the police.

My father, as I remember him, was an abuser. He beat my mother, he threatened me - and after they divorced, I became her stand-in to express her anger and resentment over how he had treated her. I remember he treated my half-brother little better, during the time we all lived together.

Here's the thing; by '98, he had joined Alcoholics Anonymous. he ditched his barfly and "hardcore" biker friends, and as the term goes, "found Jesus." he still wasn't the greatest person at the time (thus the flight to Alaska) but i suppose he was "getting there." My younger sister, who recently joined the Navy, has stayed with him off and on - she was too young to have any memories of "those times," and from what she says, everything seems hunky-dory.

I just got off the phone with my mother. She says she's getting in touch with the guy, if only to keep up with my sister (her facebook usage is sporadic at best, and weirdly dad is the main source of news from her.) So i think to myself, okay, if my mother, who endured twenty years of physical and mental torture from this guy, can take that step, surely I can as well.

it's not easy. It's really not. A big part of me is willing, even wanting to get past it, to bury the hatchet and re-establish diplomatic relations with the state of dad. But another part of me is a 7 year old, in the passenger seat of an el camino in some North Carolina back road, with a drunken man screaming at me and promising he's going to abandon me there and that my mother would be happy to be rid of my ugly face. A ten year old threatening a grown man with a broomstick over the unconscious body of my mother who was just thrown facefirst into an oak door. A hungry twelve year-old having to dig under the dashboard of that same el camino, to find a hidden stash of $400 to bail his ass out of a DUI, while we're eating pickled eggs and off-brand fruit loops.

But that was then, this is now, right? My sister seems to like him. My mother's willing to make the step - and she's the one who had to have her face rebuilt before I was even born because of this guy. Yes, she stuck with him after he beat her so badly that she needed reconstructive surgery. Don't anyone ever fucking blame a woman for 'not leaving' around me. Ever.

I swallow it down. If she can do it, I can too, right? Maybe. Apparently he's a fan of Allen West oh for fuck's sake. Westrn Journalism, really? Dude's a total 'bagger, unsurprising for a late middle-age white guy from Alabama, i suppose, but it makes all that bile even harder to swallow.

I don't know if i'm going to follow through or not. I just needed to vent. Thank you everyone for putting an ear out there.

[bravenak]

1. I'll be thinking about you all day.

Take the time you need. If you decide to go for it, take your time and set your boundaries.

[KMOD]

2. just give him an email address he can reach you at.

Then you can decide when, and if you wish to respond.

I would not make him your facebook friend at this point.

[yeoman6987]

31. I was thinking opposite because Facebook there would be a lot of control

Of what he says. Email is forever but with Facebook unfriending is easier.

[KMOD]

32. Facebook friending though, would allow the father

access to more intimate info, who Scootaloos friends are, what Scootaloos interests are.

An email can be ignored, or responded to with as much, or little personal information as desired.

Edit to add: But I'm older and from a different generation, than the OP.

[yeoman6987]

36. Well that's true

I was think macro instead of micro. You are right.

[elehhhhna]

3. your relationship is yours alone

Do you feel pressured to reconnect because mom did and sis never saw his bad behavior? Don't. Take your time and maybe talk to a therapist like twice? Get some clarity. If you're asking us, you're not ready. And it's okay. It's okay if you're never ready.

[gratuitous]

4. I'm not very Facebook savvy

I have a Facebook account, but I'm not very savvy with it. I have a couple of "friends" who have worn out their welcome with me. In the past, I have unfriended them, but I finally figured out that if I don't "follow" them and I don't put them on any of my news feed lists, I don't see anything from them. It works out nicely that way. And if I really need to check in with a muted friend, I can always go to their page or put them on a news feed list, but they don't know that I essentially have them on ignore.

[JaneyVee]

5. I wouldn't. But good luck with whatever you choose.

[NuclearDem]

6. Don't in any way feel pressured to reconnect with him just because your sister and mother have.

This is a step that's entirely up to you.

I know in the end you'll make the choice that's right for you.

[seabeyond]

7. i do not see one bit in your whole story where this man will enhance your life one little bit.

the biggest is to forgive, so you are not wrapped in hate, not for him. other than that, it sounds like a connection with this man will only frustrate you and not give you what you are looking for.

THAT BEING SAID....

i have never experienced anything like this. i am not a voice of knowledge.

i am glad you were able to write all this out. i think that is probably more healthy than connecting with this man.

best to you, whatever you decide. you can always unfriend him. and give it a try. see how it works.

[onecaliberal]

8. I have a similar story, although in my case it was a step father, and there was physical and other

abuse happening. I have forgiven in the sense that I don't hate or think about it much. It no longer drives me to do tragic things, I could never ever have any kind of relationship with him. You've got to follow your instinct. Protect yourself. It could stir a lot up that you may not want to deal with.

[irisblue]

9. Have you spoken to a counsler about this?

Sometimes a professional can provide clarity.

[steve2470]

18. [phone] I highly recommend this nt

[KittyWampus]

10. I've known way more people who were glad they reconnected before their parent died

Than people who were sorry they at least tried.

It's not like you have to become besties. Or even correspond regularly.

Wouldn't want someone that brings up such grief on my Facebook, but I'd let him write an email or handwritten letter.

[Jefferson23]

11. How awful it happened and how excellent you survived. Perhaps take a look at how they each

communicate with him when they do, see how he responds..you may be able to
process your own emotions about him and that may help you decide if it is right for you.

Good luck and best wishes.

[Arugula Latte]

12. Have you specifically asked him for an apology?

Maybe do that. See how he reacts. If he is still making excuses, denying his abuse, etc., then that is a significant red flag. If he seems sincerely sorry, maybe take it step by step from there.

I wish you luck!

[fadedrose]

13. She put up with him as long as she could...

For your sake!!

What a woman....

[beachbum bob]

14. eternal jeopardy disallows redemption whether you are religious or not

the issue you have is not with him, but a memory of what was and not what is....for your own sake extend your hand and be grateful an opportunity exist....you never know....you may find it worth it....


what do you have to lose?

[Faux pas]

15. Hard decision, for sure.

This is how I decide what to do, if whatever or whoever doesn't bring Peace, Love and Joy to my life it's a gigantic NO. Good luck Scootaloo in whatever you choose to do.

[Sissyk]

16. I recently accepted a telephone call from a long, lost

loved-one I thought I never wanted to hear from or see again. I actually didn't answer the first couple times I received the call. There was so much to think about; those memories come rushing back over and over.

I gave in and accepted the call. That way I could hear their voice, their tone.

Now, we talk often. If someone had told me I was missing out on something in my life, or that there was a part of my that had not healed; I would have told them they were wrong. But, in my case; they were right. Even though there is still hurt, pain, and anger; I feel whole again.

That probably makes zero sense, and I'm not trying to make this about me, but just give it a thought. Start with giving him a telephone number, then it's all in your hands. maybe?

Good luck, and good thoughts for you with whatever you decide to do.

[elleng]

17. Thinking of you, Scoot,

and I hope you find your way clear to make a decision you're satisfied with. There is no right or wrong, there's just what works for you. I had a relationship that caused me great grief, and the resolution for me only arrived after he died. Daughters think he was a 'saint.'

Do your best. We're with you.

[REP]

19. There is no need for you to do this

Will it add anything positive to your life?

You are not obligated to fill his holes. He dug them. He can fill them himself.

[cherokeeprogressive]

20. I can't count the times I've heard "I wish would have..." You finish the sentence. n/t

[malaise]

21. It's worth it

mostly for you. Better you have a chance to say everything you want to say to him and make peace if possible than you live to regret this moment. The thing is that when you start communicating you'll realize that the roles are actually reversed now - in every sense.
Never forget - we all have baggage - some have overnight bags and others have the FedEx warehouse. Avoid the politics if you can.

[AuntPatsy]

22. Only you can make that decision, not sure I would

[riderinthestorm]

23. I re-connected with my dad after many years and I'm glad for it

we're not close but I'm glad we've found a way to talk about what happened in the past.

It helped me find some closure.

This journey though is one only you can take. It sounds as though your mom and sister won't be judgmental whichever way you choose so there's no pressure, no hurry.

There's no wrong answer here for you. Whatever you decide will be right for you.

[NV Whino]

24. I'll be honest here. I'm not the forgiving type.

I'll give someone a couple of chances, but by strike three you're out.

So, that said, you have to live your life. Let your sister and mother live their life as they choose.

If you choose to friend him, good on ya. Me? Strike three.

[boston bean]

25. I have a very similar history.

But it was he who finally moved.

I held a lot of anger for quite a long time and was eventually able to let it slip away even without a reunion or contact.

He also died when I was 26. But I do believe I had let go of most of the baggage and anger prior to that. So it is possible.

It is truly your choice alone. I suggest you at the very least find some way to release yourself from the feelings that haunt. It can be done and there are many ways. No one way is the only right way.

My best to you.

[msongs]

26. if he really went for AA, he should have made amends to you already. has he, is he? nt

[notadmblnd]

27. I'd post on his facebook and tell him just what you told us.

[madamvlb]

28. I had my two kids in the front seat at the bus terminal.....

I told there crack addict father who had ruined my life emotionally and financially for two years to get the hell out. I bought him a one way bus ticket and handed him 100 dollars. It was one of the worst days of my life, but it was the start of a new life that turned out pretty damned good! I think my boys didn't understand that there father was leaving for good. Fast forward 12 years and he friends them on FB. They will never call him dad, at first they talked a lot, then the novelty of this sperm donor asshole wore off. He had the audicity to ask his children for money! I used to love this man with all of my heart but crack cocaine changed him and he got worse everyday.

My advice to you is do what's in your heart. You only have one chance to know him, why not? My kids don't regret friending him on FB, after all it's only FB!!!

[Thor_MN]

29. For what it's worth, there are options on FB to control what is shared, and to who.

And it's possible to unfriend, if that becomes needed.

I was estranged from my father for 15 years or so. No physical abuse, but he did some harm to the bourbon supply back in the day. I've been reconnected for the last 10 years and I'm glad that I have been. Even if it didn't work out the way it has, I would regret not trying. Everyone's story is different and it sounds like you were further apart than my experience. Give it a try, it's not an irreversible decision.

Good luck.

[Liberal_in_LA]

30. all the bad stuff you remember.. he won't remember it the same way. that is how it goes

[jeff47]

33. If you do reconnect, there are some ways to help you disconnect again.

I really don't have any experience close to yours, so I really don't have good advice on "reconnect or not".

But if you do decide to reconnect, you might want to make sure it's easy to disconnect again.

Set up a separate gmail.com email address and communicate through that, if you want to use email.

You can also set up a second Facebook account associated with that gmail address, and "friend" him through that.

There's even things you could do if you want to talk (ie. Skype account just for him).

That way you could feel out the situation with him and if it turns out to be bad for you, you can disconnect easily from him. He won't have your "regular" email to spam or search for. He won't have your "regular" Facebook account where he can try to get to you through your friends.

[Avalux]

34. I'm sorry you're having to make this decision.

Keep in mind, he is your father, and your mom's ex. The relationships are completely different. Your sister has a completely different relationship with him too since she didn't witness the horror of his abuse. Whatever their motives are for talking to him again - it doesn't matter; they are not you. Sure it would be great if you could just let all those bad memories go and try to be friendly with him now, but you certainly don't have to do that, unless you think it may help you heal. Do whatever feels right to you and don't worry about anyone else. Take care of yourself first.

[ChazII]

41. Scootaloo, Avalux and several others

have offered good tips.

1) Your relationship is different from your mother's and sister's relationship. Take care of yourself first.
2) Set up a new/different email address.
3) Set up a separate FB page if you so desire.

Best of luck as you begin this new journey.

[marked50]

35. Difficult to really advise here but

what I have found is that a relationship either helps you or hinders you. So if you put it in that perspective then you may have a way of answering your question.

[Fumesucker]

37. My experience with assholes who have "found Jesus" is that it doesn't make them any less assholish

In fact usually just the opposite, it makes them even more insufferable.

Get yourself an email you can burn with no regrets if need arises and communicate through that if you do decide to communicate.

[Oilwellian]

38. Best wishes, Scoot

[Blue_In_AK]

39. Forgiveness is good for the soul,

or so I've been told. I guess you could give it a go for a while. You can always unfriend him if it gets too uncomfortable.

My ex was abusive to me, but I'd probably accept a friend request from him if he asked. But then I'm a sucker sometimes.

[Scootaloo]

40. I decided to go for it

As many of you pointed out, the worst that can happen is he bugs me and i shut it down. in the meantime, it's enabled me to connect back to a lot of other people I've known, through mustual contact. So... Any way it goes, seems a net gain.

Thank you all for the thoughts and kind words, it is much appreciated.