A Cancer Survivor Designs the Cards She Wishes She’d Received From Friends and Family

[Liberal_in_LA]

Los Angeles–based designer Emily McDowell was diagnosed with Stage 3 Hodgkin’s lymphoma at age 24, enduring nine months of chemo and radiation before going into remission.

“The most difficult part of my illness wasn’t losing my hair, or being erroneously called ‘sir’ by Starbucks baristas, or sickness from chemo,” McDowell writes on her website. “It was the loneliness and isolation I felt when many of my close friends and family members disappeared because they didn’t know what to say, or said the absolute wrong thing without realizing it.”

The 38-year-old designer has been cancer-free ever since. But the emotional impact of the experience lingered, inspiring her to design a newly launched series of Empathy Cards—emotionally direct greeting cards that say the things she wanted to hear when she was ill.









http://www.slate.com/blogs/the_eye/2015/05/06/empathy_cards_by_emily_mcdowell_are_greeting_cards_designed_for_cancer_patients.html

[pinto]

1. +1

[Liberal_in_LA]

7. related topic- reddit recent super long thread - stuff disabled people don't want to hear or

http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/wonkblog/wp/2015/04/24/a-powerful-reddit-thread-reveals-what-its-like-to-be-disabled/

1. Don’t tell someone with a disability that they are inspiring.
2. Don’t try to heal people with disabilities with health foods, essential oils or yoga.

3. It’s not your business to question a person’s handicap parking sticker.
4. Also, don't question service dogs, motorized scooters, or people who take the elevator to go up or down one floor.
http://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/33ej71/disabled_people_of_reddit_what_is_something_we_do/%0A

[REP]

133. Oh hell yes. Thank you.

I hate hearing about my good attitude. Seriously. I'm not an inspiration.

[Hekate]

2. I LOVE those. I want to know where I can get a box full to have on hand.

Please let me be the first to punch the next person who tells you everything happens for a reason.

When life gives you lemons I won't tell you a story about my cousin's friend who died of lemons.

[Liberal_in_LA]

4. more at the link

[Fairgo]

59. Splendid!

Thanks for the link. I'm going to spread it around.

[CaliforniaPeggy]

3. Those are just beautiful! I hope she sells a million of them.

There is definitely a huge need for cards like these.

K&R

[Liberal_in_LA]

5. yeah. makes you think.

[uppityperson]

6. Excellent! Here's links to her blog, link to buy on each card.

http://info.emilymcdowell.com/empathy-cards-for-serious-illness/

[Hoppy]

8. And don't forget, "God has a plan !"

[erronis]

10. I'm sure s/h/it does. I hope the plan is to send those stupid MF to the landfill of the universe.

Thanks Hoppy - my feelings also.

Mention god or some other variant of that thing and you've just lost 90% of your credibility. If you need your divine crutch to get through life and death, please drag it and yourself off to some corner and await your place in the landfill. The rest of us need to deal with life on reality's terms.

[ablamj]

24. "s/h/it"

LOL

[Iggo]

114. No s/h/it.

[Contrary1]

17. A bible thumper actually asked me what I had done to "deserve" my cancer.

[leftofcool]

37. Same thing happened to me when I had cancer.

I had a good comeback but I won't post it here.

[ChisolmTrailDem]

115. Ooooohhhh...please, please, please, please...

...please, please, please...

[SusanCalvin]

132. Oh yes pleeeeeeeease! nt

[Enthusiast]

52. ...

[URL=.html][IMG][/IMG][/URL]

[steve2470]

64. that's just fucking horrible

Um, hello, SMALL children get cancer. This kind of shit gives Christianity a really bad name.

[F4lconF16]

66. The problem is that

With belief in a god almost always comes a belief in determinism. It's almost unavoidable. Any of the major monotheistic religions fall apart if you assume they aren't deterministic. Otherwise, there's really only one conclusion, and that's that God gives small children cancer.

Please don't excuse the religion from the conclusion it inevitably draws, btw. It's not giving Christianity a bad name--this is Christianity at its heart. The belief in a God that meddles in our affairs, and is yet somehow powerless to stop horrible shit from happening to people. Unless, of course, you believe that God created the universe billions of years ago and hasn't payed attention since, in which case almost all of Christianity just got thrown out the window.

#somanyreasonstobeanatheist

Edit to add: does it make a difference who gets cancer? I never understood why it should make a difference if it was a child or a 50 year old. Pretty horrible either way.

[SusanCalvin]

71. Or we are a toy

That god made for s/h/it's (I love that) self, and s/h/it is a pretty nasty little kid.

[F4lconF16]

72. Oh my goddess, that's hilarious.

Thanks for that!

Annnd yeah. The whole thing was always vaguely creepy to me. What kind of screwed-up being wouldn't stop the horrors perpetrated here? The only explanation I could find is that it either doesn't exist (in which case religion is bunch of crap), doesn't care (in which case the vast majority of religions are a bunch of crap), or cares, but doesn't change it (in which case most religions worship a sadistic god/gods, which is...terrifying, if I'm being honest).

[Arugula Latte]

109. Most of them try to fudge over it all -- "God has his mysterious ways," "It's not for us to know,"

"God answers all prayers -- it's just that you don't always get the answer you want," yadda yadda yadda ...

[hifiguy]

118. You nailed it, F4lcon

"Is God willing to prevent evil, but not able?
Then he is not omnipotent.
Is he able, but not willing?
Then he is malevolent.
Is he both able and willing?
Then whence cometh evil?
Is he neither able nor willing?
Then why call him God?"
- Epicurus

[F4lconF16]

124. And I have yet to hear a satisfactory answer to that.

Ever. It seems like something pretty basic that religion should answer...but it can't.

Thanks for that quote, always been one of my favorites.

[treestar]

74. That's so selfish, because the reason they say that

has to be to reassure themselves it won't happen to them.

[DeadLetterOffice]

125. Fear is a powerful thing.

If I can just convince myself that you did something to cause or deserve what happened to you, then I can pretend to have control over whether the same thing happens to me...

**headdesk**

[Journeyman]

122. Give them back the Bible with pickaxe and spade: Ecclesiastes 9:11 . . .

I returned, and saw under the sun, that the race is not to the swift, nor the battle to the strong . . . but time and chance happeneth to them all.

[malaise]

9. Those are much more appropriate

Rec

[onecent]

11. Well guess what people????

These cards obviously WERE NOT available.....
I think it is horrendous that she wasn't happy with the cards she got.

Everyone handles pain/cancer/death or friends or yourself.....We don't have a crystal ball.
Sorry If I am not so..
Personally, I think EVERYTHING does happen for a reason...AND
I, too, wouldn't KNOW WHAT TO SAY??????

[Contrary1]

12. Well, you call them and ask if there is anything they need...

A visit. A meal. Laundry help. A kid-free afternoon. You would be amazed at what little it takes to make us feel better.

[winter is coming]

14. +1. I emptied litter boxes, washed dishes, and went wig-shopping.

Basically, I said, "I'm not always going to know what help you need, so you'll have to let me know if I'm doing too much or too little or if you just want me to get out of your face."

[F4lconF16]

16. +1

This type of thing isn't that hard.

1) If you don't know what to say, keep your mouth shut.

2) If you think you do, don't say it. Stop and think. If you still want to say it, check yourself again. Ask yourself how the other person would feel hearing that. Then say something if you still think it is helpful.

3) Offer to help with whatever the person might need, small as a task as it may be.

4) If none of the above works, then just ask the person what you can do for them.

5) Just be an empathetic, kind friend. It's not that hard.

[onecent]

21. You think I am not an "us"?????? This post was about NOT receiving the kind

of sympathy cards that "they thought they should"....Do mis-read something I typed???????
I am a senior citizen...I have watched several people die...AND I HAVE HELPED....
trust me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Contrary1]

30. You were the one who typed "I, too, wouldn't KNOW WHAT TO SAY??????"

So, I made a couple suggestions.

[Duppers]

62. think this poster

Left the *per* out of his handle?

[kairos12]

106. I have found it useful to say how can I help you?

[F4lconF16]

13. Ew.

See, your problem is you are making this about you. It's about how you feel, how you don't know what to say. It's about your card and your poor little hurt feelings that she wouldn't appreciate your self-centered card that makes you, not her, feel better.

It's not about you.

You think it's "horrendous" that she didn't appreciate a shitty card telling her life is wonderful? That she didn't appreciate being told she doesn't have a right to suffer? That she deserved her cancer? Cause that's what those cards say.

Personally, I think your statement and beliefs are horrendous. "Everything happens for a reason"? Fuck that. Fuck that noise. Fuck every single shitty thing that people have done because of that philosophy.

Tell that to my ex girlfriend, who was raped and beaten for years and left utterly mentally and emotionally devastated. Tell her how her numerous physical illnesses are something that should have happened. Tell her that happened for a reason. Tell her that it's how the world works.

This post is pretty disgusting. Way to take a valuable learning moment and make it about you and how she hurt all your feelings. Good for you for trying to force your stupid and ultimately harmful beliefs on her.

Yuck.

[haikugal]

19. ^^^^This^^^^!!!!

Well said! We've all seen these kinds of things. Good on her for creating cards that speak to people with some humility and compassion instead of the usual crappy religious memes.

[PassingFair]

27. +1

Doesn't think beyond his/her own nose.

Here is a great article about this issue:

http://articles.latimes.com/2013/apr/07/opinion/la-oe-0407-silk-ring-theory-20130407

It's all about not DUMPING IN. Comfort IN, dumping OUT!

With charts!



My mother is a PRIME violator of this rule. There is no situation so bad that she can't make worse....

[ScreamingMeemie]

126. ...and I can back that up with anecdotes.

[Orrex]

108. Holy shit.

Amazing post. Utterly brilliant from first word to last. Thank you for putting it so plainly and powerfully.


[font color="white"]XXX[/font]
[font color="white"]XXXXXX[/font]
[font color="white"]XXXXXXXXX[/font]
[font color="white"]XXXXXXXXXXXX[/font]

[hifiguy]

119. Bravo!

[Curmudgeoness]

121. You are my new hero.

That was a righteous and appropriate rant.

[Hekate]

32. It's not about you, okay? She didn't want or need to be told about someone else dying of cancer...

....and yet there are people who do exactly that, just nattering on and on. While she was vomiting her guts out she really really didn't need to be told that God never gives us more than we can handle, or that positive thinking would cure her.

It's not about you and your needs, unless you are the person facing a potentially fatal disease, in which case I hope you can express yourself to others with clarity.

Finally, unless you know that artist personally, you are not being criticized. Really.

[Luminous Animal]

33. Really. You think that my Dad, dead from cancer, at the age of 38 happened for a reason...

What you do is give a real or virtual hug and say "if there is anything, anything big or small that I can do, please let me know." Then hand her a list of things that you can do big or small.

And, if she is going through chemo, find out what she can eat. And if she smokes pot to manage nausea, roll her a few joints. And if she has a family to feed, cook up some freezer food. And if she has young kids, offer to take them on an outing.

Don't tell her that she is brave. Don't tell her that she can fight it.

[polly7]

35. "Everything happens for a reason" is the one that made me want to punch people in the face.

Not you, I'm sure you're very nice ..... but seriously, just, no.

[treestar]

76. But then there are other people who might be comforted by it.

It depends on the person.

[polly7]

77. Well I have a huge family and many friends - I've never heard one of them say they were

comforted by telling them their illness or loss of a loved one 'happened for a reason'.

What even remotely possible reason???????

Bullshit.

I've also seen the consequences of many fatal accidents, many horrific, and medical emergencies with EMS. Sorry, I don't believe there was a 'reason' for any of them and I guarantee if I'd said that to 'comfort' family members I'd have been fired - and deserved it.

[treestar]

79. One of my cousin's wives died of ovarian cancer

And she wrote her own eulogy. She said a lot of things like this. Though then she was making the best of a situation she could not change.

[polly7]

83. I've lost many people very, very close to me. Not one believed they were dying for a reason.

My sister-in-law also died of ovarian cancer at the age of 39, leaving behind my brother and three young children who to this day are still trying to come to grips with losing her. Her son tried to jump out of the passenger seat of the car on a busy highway. Her youngest daughter has been in such a deep depression she was also suicidal. If your cousin's wife thought she was comforting others by saying it, that's her right if she though it would help. People said it to me when we lost our Karley, and my Dad ....... I tried to ignore it, but it actually made me ill trying to imagine 'the reason'.

It's fine to believe yourself there may be a reason but don't push it onto anyone else, because you have no idea what they believe.

[Orrex]

110. Then the erstwhile comforter should tailor his or her remarks to the recipient's feelings

Failing to do so is an act of clumsy and inexcusable thoughtlessness.

[ScreamingMeemie]

127. Truly... and this is just me who found out I hated hugs and hated platitudes at my husband's

funeral... I think those people who say they are comforted by it are just super nice people who don't ever want to hurt someone's feelings.

[Ms. Yertle]

36. Sometimes you don't need to say anything

you just need to be willing to listen.

[Logical]

49. Wow, you think you can tell her what the fuck she should be happy with?? Disgusting. nt

[Fairgo]

60. Usually, you don't have to say anything...just be there

That can be very difficult, I know. That uncomfortable stuff rattling around inside you is not a permanent fixture of your psyche; it's lack of experience. It's you confronting your own fear. It's you trying to reach out and not knowing how. If you commune in the space of your friendship and not the disease, if you practice listening rather than fixing or explaining, you can learn how to be in this space.

[Duppers]

61. Cancer ridden or starving children suffer

For what possible imaginable REASON??

You seen full of judgment yet short on empathy. Judging this woman for not really liking the cards she got. Wow.

[marble falls]

68. How about not touching me like you're afraid of catching my cancer? How about talking to me....

like my cancer doesn't totally define your false image of a new sort of me?

[treestar]

73. Yes there does seem a certain irony in

"I don't know what to say" being bad when so many of the things sad were bad too.

Perhaps give people the benefit of the doubt over what they do say.

[F4lconF16]

81. See post 65.

I'm not willing to give people the benefit of the doubt anymore. Not when what they say actually hurts people.

[BlancheSplanchnik]

15. those are excellent!

[secondwind]

18. brilliant!

[Manifestor_of_Light]

20. Well, guess what?

Christians seem to be willfully blind to the impact of their statements about determinism that they are so certain of: "Everything happens for a reason." Or: "God doesn't give us anything we can't handle." They don't help the recipient feel better or even acknowledge their pain.

If you're not a person who trusts that God has everything under control, and not a person who prays, then those statements sound really stupid. A lot of people have lived long enough that these sort of deterministic statements are offensive. I, for one, have come to the conclusion that the tragedies in my life were pretty random, or else the effects of bad choices I and other people have made because we didn't know any better.

We have all heard of people who couldn't handle what life threw at them and they either killed themselves, or they killed their family. And if something rare and tragic happens to you then it's just random. Even if the odds are ten thousand to one (yes something with those odds happened in my family), the odds don't matter when it happened to your family. And it destroyed the three survivors emotionally.

And what about all those people God miraculously saved from a tornado? Well, what about the ones he didn't care about enough to save from death? Huh? George Carlin has some great rants about that.

[Ms. Yertle]

38. As if,

non-Christians, or atheists, know what to say. BS!!! NO ONE knows what to say to someone who has life take a great big dump on them.

[JI7]

41. "that sucks" actually works fine

followed by just letting them know you are there for them.

[Ms. Yertle]

44. Don't know that

that's the first thing anyone thinks of saying in those circumstances.

My standard statement is "You're in my thoughts and prayers." They can take whatever they want from it.

[F4lconF16]

46. If someone told me that, I'd tell them to fuck off.

I'm dying. I don't need your useless prayers and thoughts. Don't take my pain and fear and use it to shove your beliefs on me. And by the way, "That sucks" is exactly what I first said to a friend who was told she had ovarian cancer. She appreciated it.

[SusanCalvin]

53. Yep. Don't shove beliefs.

Been dealing with that all my life. Been an atheist since I knew the meaning of the word (about age seven) and am so tired of people conflating religion with goodness and morality and shoving it on me. I know they mean well (I guess). I just don't buy what they are pushing.

Speaking of pushing..... Can you say "my button"....?

[F4lconF16]

65. I've given up on being patient with that type of thing.

It's one thing to hold those beliefs and be comforted by them. It's another to push them on another in a time of distress. This is exactly the religious privilege afforded to many people in this country: the privilege of not thinking before speaking, of being able to assume (correctly most of the time) that your religion is the same as the person you are comforting. It's time to start calling people on it, because meaning well doesn't cut it. These types of things actually hurt people, as demonstrated by the OP.

Glad to hear others agree. It can be rough to be an atheist in hard times--we are often far more alone than many people realize, and having more alienation served to us in the form of religious comfort can be too much.

[SusanCalvin]

69. "Religious privilege"

I hadn't thought of it that way, but now that I do I think you are absolutely right.

[F4lconF16]

70. Idk if you've checked it out

But there's an atheists and agnostics group here (still under the "Religion" heading). There's a number of articles and discussion on this type of thing you might find interesting.

[SusanCalvin]

75. Thanks

I might come hang out for the company. I don't really get into deep philosophical discussions, though, because the arguments against religion have always seemed short, simple, and obvious to me.... ;->

[F4lconF16]

80. Bahaha ain't that the truth.

Hope you have a nice day, and hopefully I'll see some more of your posts around here

[SusanCalvin]

86. You too.

I think we must have hit the software's limit for nesting replies - it looks like we're talking to ourselves.....!

[treestar]

82. You'd take offense at that?

You are in my thoughts and prayers. It only refers to what they believe. It doesn't force it on you. Taking offense at You are in my Thoughts is pretty hostile.

[F4lconF16]

85. No, not offense.

I'd just be pissed. For someone who isn't religious, all you're doing is making it about you. Your prayers don't matter to me, because if you're right and there is a god, he's the one who gave me this disease/pain/whatever in the first place. Saying "I'll pray for you" is one of the singular most irritating things to me, and I guarantee you many, many non-believers feel that way.

Links:

http://atheism.about.com/od/atheismatheiststheism/a/Objecting-to-Christian-Prayers.htm
http://www.patheos.com/blogs/barrierbreaker/ill-pray-for-you-seven-reasons-it-makes-atheists-angry/

There are better articles and discussions on this, including some good ones here on DU in A&A. Not going to bother to dig them up--this isn't a hard thing to understand with some empathy towards those who don't believe in your religion.

"You're in my thoughts" isn't so bad, just useless and doesn't make me feel any better at all.

[SusanCalvin]

57. That sucks

Should, in my opinion, absolutely be the first thing. In more refined language, if you prefer. Because it does.

[DeadLetterOffice]

128. It's my 'go to' response.

"That sucks. I'm so sorry this is happening to you. How can I be useful right now?"

Works like a charm.

[SusanCalvin]

131. Sounds great to me!

[HERVEPA]

78. I'd tell you to fuck off if you did.

Why do you think I would want your useless prayers? It's not about you!

[treestar]

84. People who are really dying don't seem in general to be that hostile

The person does not intend to make it about them. They are saying they care. I have never heard of a person with cancer actually saying something like what your post says in response to thoughts and prayers.

And what if the person asks for prayers? Not everyone is that hostile to religion. So you know a religious person, they get cancer, and then they ask you to pray for them? Since they are the victim in that case I assume you don't lecture them how useless prayers are and how they are forcing their religion on you.

[F4lconF16]

88. I have heard that myself...

And did you miss the OP? Kinda the point the artist was making with some of these.

Second, no, I won't pray for someone if they asked me to. If I was dying and told you to convert to Pastafarianism and pray for me, would you? Sincerely? No, of course you wouldn't. What a ridiculous thing to say. Of course, I would offer to help them, be their friend, not judge them, love them--but no, I'm not praying for them. And I don't think my friends would ask me to, either.

Also love the "angry atheist" slam there, assuming that we're going to take a dying person to task for their religious beliefs. What a bunch of shit. I have never met an atheist that would do that, but I have met many religious people who seem to think it is their duty to amass deathbed conversions. That's predatory as hell, and unique to religion, so far as I can tell. I mean, seriously, the term "deathbed conversion" is so screwed up, I can't even.

[treestar]

90. Why not?

Yes if you were dying and asked me to pray for you, I would or if I would not, would still say I was going to. I doubt there are any dying religious people who ask others to convert. But yea I would tell you I'll convert to pastafarianism.

What angry atheist slam? What I said was I don't think anyone would say these things. I specifically said that.

There's one thing in being an atheist but another in being so hostile toward the people who still believe in a god or gods.

[HERVEPA]

93. You should say something like my thoughts will be with you

Some of you religious people just don't get it. How about if I was Satanist and said to you pray to Satan for me, or a pastafarian and said pray ti the flying spaghetti monster.
And where did you get that lying to a person about what you will do is a good idea.
And the problem is with the religious people who shove their god stuff in your face.

[treestar]

95. I'm not all that terribly religious and don't talk about it

But i'm not so hostile to the people who are. If they want to talk about it, fine.

I'm not into honesty on that level. What's bad about letting someone think you are doing what they want when there is no reason they will know otherwise? In my hypo, the person wants some reassurance.

I've run into only a few people who really shove it in your face. It's part of their life and they talk about it, which is not shoving it in your face or demanding you be converted.

[HERVEPA]

99. I'm a volunteer escort at Planned Parenthood

Plenty of them shove it in your face.
And while we're at it, I'm sick of all the damn politicians ending their speeches with "God Bless You, and God Bless America"

[SusanCalvin]

102. Really.

Talk about religion being shoved on you from the highest level. And then some people will say it's OK because it's "traditional." Barf.

Well, here we are at the software's nesting limit, it would appear, looking like we're talking to ourselves....!

[F4lconF16]

100. I don't lie to people to make them feel better.

I've found it's not very convincing or helpful, for one thing, and second, I don't like lying to people.

I did misread your post, so I take that other part back. Apologies.

Second, I think you still don't get it. I am not hostile towards them, I am hostile when they push their beliefs on me in a time of hardship. Yes, it is pushing your beliefs on me.

Most days, I go biking around Seattle for at least a half hour or more. There are churches everywhere. There is religion at big events. There is religion at sporting events. There is god inserted into speeches, into politics, into every last statement made publicly. There is god in the attacks on my rights as a bisexual man. There is god just about everywhere, all the damn time. Atheists are among the least trusted minorities in this country. I've been compared to Satan. People wouldn't trust me with their children. There's a pretty good chance my girlfriend and I will eventually have to split up over our conflicting beliefs, despite working well everywhere else.

This country is actively hostile towards me and other non-believers. It is far more alienating than you realize, and it really, really sucks.

Can you imagine, now, why the last thing I want to hear from you is how you're going to pray to the same god/gods that fuck/s me over in every other area of my life? Can you understand why saying "I'll pray for you" is a way of forcing your religion on me, intended or not?

Can you empathize with me?

Cause that's all this is really about.

[SusanCalvin]

104. Yep.

I don't think most non-athiests realize just how pervasive it is.

[SusanCalvin]

97. I do have cancer

And I don't want anyone to pray for me or tell me they are. There are also atheists in foxholes.... ;->

Fortunately, people where I work pretty much don't bring religion to work, which is how I prefer it. I don't bring my atheism either, unless a religious person does something really out of line, like asking me where I go to church, which happened one time at a different job.

Praying, I would probably just grit my teeth, but that doesn't mean I think it is appropriate to assume. Say, I just realized nobody at work has said that - I love my job.

Of course I wouldn't lecture someone who wanted me to pray for them. That would also be inappropriate.

[Ms. Yertle]

87. Of course it's not

about me. It just seems to say, "I'm sorry this is happening to you" "I won't forget what you are going through" "Let me know if there's anything I can do" etc.

And if you told me to "fuck off" I probably wouldn't waste my time thinking "that sucks." I'd think "It couldn't happen to a nicer person.

[polly7]

89. Wow.

You'd feel entitled to use someone's troubles to spread your religious beliefs, and if they were hostile to it you'd say they deserve what they get? That's pretty sad, and not what I'd ever expect from a 'believer'.

[treestar]

91. But some of these posters seem to take comments like

"I'll pray for you" as trying to force their religious beliefs. Unless the person is such a jerk as to warn the cancer sufferer they are going to hell unless they convert, I don't see them as forcing their religion on general statements like they are going to pray. Though the prayers are useless to the sufferer, they aren't to the praying-person, and that makes it good wishes or doing something good. That's the intent.

Saying to some religious person to fuck off because your prayers and thoughts are useless is extremely hostile. That would get some understanding since the person is the cancer sufferer. I imagine there is an angry era where one would feel angry at the people who don't have to deal with this saying platitudes. And it seems like they don't want religious people to even talk about their religion, which they insist on interpreting as forcing it on others. If the person is religious, they have a right to talk about that as much as anyone else and it will infuse their language.

[polly7]

96. People who are dying or struggling with the tragic loss of a loved one

have the right to be 'hostile'.

When they're suffering emotionally trying to come to grips with their struggle or loss and are not religious, the last thing they need is to be preached at and told the horror they're going through 'happens for a reason', or to hear prayers from someone trying to push religion down their dying throats.

'If the person is religious' - talk about it all you like, but not to someone suffering who may not even believe in religion. I did at one time - I think the 'everything happens for a reason' is one of the things I was told that actually chased me away from it.

[Ms. Yertle]

94. It's not spreading my religious beliefs

Spreading religious beliefs would be saying "Do you have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ," or whatever. But, I think you know that.

And if someone is that hostile over an inocuous little statement, then I think the world might be a better place without them.

[polly7]

98. Yuck. nt.

[F4lconF16]

101. You'd like me gone from this world.

http://www.democraticunderground.com/?com=view_post&forum=1002&pid=6650907

Yes, I am hostile over these statements.

And apparently you'd rather I was just dead and gone.

I love religion, I gotta tell you. No other thing that I know of is quite as good at being so self-righteous and downright fucked-up at the same time. Quite the accomplishment on the part of whoever invented the damn thing.

[polly7]

103. Pay no mind to the frauds. nt.

[HERVEPA]

105. I can think of someone else the world would be better without

[ChisolmTrailDem]

117. That's the religion of GOD! If you don't think the right way and BELIEVE!, then the

world is a better place without you.

GIMME THAT OLD TIME RELGION!

PRAISE BABY JESUS!!! AMEN!!!

[Ms. Yertle]

120. You know that's not what I said,

right?

What I said was that anyone that hostile toward someone offering a little support in their own way has an attitude that the world can do without.

[ChisolmTrailDem]

130. You know, if the world was without religious people who...

cram their religion down other peoples' throats, the problem of climage change would be resolved!

Wouldn't that make the world a better a better place, too?

[SusanCalvin]

134. Just for the record

That is not what you said. I offer post 94 in evidence. Looking at that post, adding opinion that "innocuous" is in the eye of the beholder.

[SusanCalvin]

54. Yep.

Empathy generally works, I find. My reaction to the diagnosis was to stomp around and yell. Fortunately I found a person who just watched me and made sympathetic noises. Worked great and I was grateful.

[KittyWampus]

51. So instead of "everything happens for a reason" try "everything is random, tough luck"

Or; instead of "Life doesn't give us anything we can't handle" try "Life is overwhelming, hope you've got a xanax prescription".

While I gave up on religion long ago, Reductionists usually have the stupidest comments. Not most liberal Christians.

[SusanCalvin]

55. Well, the thing with the comments you give as examples

Is that they show neither sympathy nor empathy. Take out the "tough luck" and "hope you've got a xanax prescription" and add a caring tone of voice and I would think they were just fine.

[KittyWampus]

56. So maybe tone of voice and intent is what really matters most?

I like those cards and can relate to them.

We've probably all has someone express concern or caring in ways that were less than artful.

[SusanCalvin]

58. Exactly

And I try to make allowances when I can. There are just so many conventional religious reactions that are emitted without, it would appear, thought that anyone might differ. It can get on your nerves in the best of circumstances, much less when you've had a medical shock.

[Orrex]

107. Religionists are fond of meaningless platitudes about "the higher purpose" of the universe

They are statements on a subject about which they know no more than anyone else, and the listener is unlikely to be comforted by such pablum. Their intent is to make the speaker feel better, to create the self-perception that someone has helped while actually doing nothing. Very much like saying "I'll pray for you" or "sending good thoughts." What, exactly, is the "sender" doing in that case that he or she wouldn't be doing otherwise? What, exactly, is the positive impact of such a "sending?" What, exactly, does the "sender" do if the receipient doesn't care about or rejects such a "sending?"

Also, your description of non-believers ("Reductionists," as you call them) is the exact sort simplistic and non-representative caricature that you claim to reject when it's applied to religionists.

A little consistency would be nice.


Only a cruel asshole would willfully respond to someone reaching out for comfort with a heartless statement showing no respect for the sufferer's feelings or beliefs.

I have known a great many atheists, agnostics and humanists in my life. Not a single one of them would use someone else's suffering as an opportunity to recite doom-and-gloom slogans about the uncaring universe. Contrast that with religionists--and even with more generically spiritual people--who don't hesitate to use someone else's suffering as an excuse to broadcast their own faith or spirituality.

You may have given up on religion, but you clearly don't understand non-belief, either.

[SusanCalvin]

135. Oh does that ring a bell with me.

I had religionists try to sneak plugs into both my wedding and my mom's funeral, though they'd been strongly counseled regarding my lack of religion. (Yeah, dealing with them in the first place was stupid - it's a long story....)

[valerief]

22. Excellent. Those cards make sense. nt

[Solly Mack]

23. As a survivor (so far), I would have loved one of those cards.

[Luminous Animal]

34. Me too! Mostly, my experiences with my friends and family were positive when I was diagnosed.

One was awful and I've written her off altogether despite her attempts over the past 15 years to reconnect. I just can't do it.

Several were wonderful and one in particularly. She sent me photos of beautiful tattoos atop mastectomy scars.

[Solly Mack]

39. I got a lot of people not knowing what to say.

Then something horribly awkward would come out.

Unintentionally funny, at times.

Other times - just plain awful.

[SusanCalvin]

25. My gosh I must be lucky.

Small brush with cancer and not one single person has said anything stupid. Then again, I don't know many people....!

Huh. Looking at the cards (which I adore), I'm remembering that someone did call it a "journey." That *was* a little cheesy for me.

[Jim Lane]

136. That was my reaction, too.

Two different cancer episodes, several years apart, and I'm happy to say that not one of my friends would've needed to buy these cards. I just wasn't hanging out with the "everything happens for a reason" crowd.

[SusanCalvin]

137. Judging from the posts here

We are incredibly lucky.

[CrawlingChaos]

26. My favorite one...

"I promise never to refer to your illness as a 'journey' (unless someone takes you on a cruise)"

I'm not a cancer survivor, but I was caretaker to my mom through her horrific cancer "journey" (barf) and the one thing that comforted me - and I'm so glad I found it - was Barbara Ehrenreich's "Welcome to Cancerland" (might have been part of her excellent book "Bright-Sided&quot . It was just such a perfect antidote to all the bullshit.

Anyway, these cards are pretty great. Thanks for sharing them.

[SusanCalvin]

28. Thanks for reminding me about those books.

I heard about them years ago, before I or anyone close to me had ever been seriously ill, and I thought they sounded spot on even then.

[1StrongBlackMan]

29. This one speaks to me ...

For not only illness but for someone suffering a loss.

[SunSeeker]

31. My fave is the PUNCH one. I can't believe people think God wants kids to get cancer.

For fucks sake, don't claim God wanted me to get cancer, or that poor 3-year-old to be on chemo and die in a hospital.

Having gone through 7 1/2 months of chemo, 6 weeks of radiation and 3 surgeries, I can tell you it was a PTSD-inducing hell on earth and nothing Godly about it. It was infuriating when the hospital (my HMO made me go to a Catholic hospital) sent a nun into my room post op to "comfort" me and she said it was God's plan.

The main thing that comforted me, and still comforts me, is my friends and family telling me they will be there for me no matter what happens, and most of all, that they love me and always will--no matter what I look like or how sick I get. That and making the appropriate arrangements so that I know my husband and young son will be ok without me if need be.

The reality is that shitty things happen to good people on a regular basis. It is just part of being alive on this planet.

[JI7]

40. i hate "everything happens for a reason" in just about any situation

[monmouth4]

42. The one I hated the most came from my republican, catholic boss who said" At least you had her for

23 years." I almost punched him....

[Rex]

43. Wow.

[AZ Progressive]

45. When I see stories of solidarity and people rallying to one person, I have to think they are lucky

So many people just aren't competent, empathic, or caring enough to be there for someone when they are in need. Either that or the person is just not highly valued in the minds of others, and when you see those heartwarming stories they are from people who are both highly admired and are surrounded with good people.

Sorry, I've had my own cynical moments in my life.

[F4lconF16]

47. No, I think you're right. nt

[slipslidingaway]

48. These are excellent and needed, thanks for posting ...

I sent the link to others we have lived with at Hope Lodge. Unfortunately it is a recurring theme that after awhile some people fade into the background who you thought were close and then casual acquaintances step up to the plate.

[FailureToCommunicate]

50. These are so spot on. Wish I'd had some for my younger brother...

[Duppers]

63. Bravo!!

I'd like one of these brilliant cards for my future d.i.l. who's facing her second battle with cancer. She would appreciate all of them. She and my son are brave people.

[IronLionZion]

67. I'll punch whoever tells you it's because of your own life choices

[russspeakeasy]

92. Thanks for posting this.

[SheilaT]

111. How wonderful.

A couple of thoughts. It's not just cancer that makes people say dumb things or offer stupid advice When my first child went completely bald because of alopcia areata, an auto-immune disorder, I got a lot of uninvited suggestions about how to make his hair grow again. Not helpful.

And while I have my own strong beliefs in spiritual stuff, I don't assume others believe the same way, so I don't reference my beliefs, especially when talking to someone with a severe illness or whatever. But I don't believe in the traditional sky God, and it does NOT comfort me to hear someone saying anything like "I'll pray for you".

The only exception to that is my very closest friend. I am currently going through a crisis with my younger son, and when I told the friend about what's going on, he said, "I'm so sorry to hear this. I'll be thinking about you. And have you in my prayers." In this specific case, because I know his particular beliefs, it's not offensive. It is comforting. From him. Not from almost anyone else.

[Arugula Latte]

112. I'd like this one: "When you pray for me, ask your sociopathic asshole of a god

why it gave me cancer in the first place, or at least didn't lift a finger to prevent it."

[SusanCalvin]

116. There ya go. nt

[Iggo]

113. The first one's hilarious. The second one's perfect.

[Turbineguy]

123. Good

My cousin came down with cancer and trying to find a card that wasn't awful was very difficult. In fact, some of the cards upset me more than the bad news.

[Duppers]

129. and some Mother's Day cards...

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/katie-naum/mothers-day-cards-i-could_b_7245868.html




Wish I had the guts to send some of these to my narcissistic, overbearing, abusing, fundamentally religious mother.