Masturbating men ‘will find their hands pregnant in the afterlife,’ ‘claims Muslim televangelist’

[FrodosPet]

http://metro.co.uk/2015/05/25/masturbating-men-will-find-their-hands-pregnant-in-the-afterlife-claims-muslim-televangelist-5215134/

This will be devastating news to anyone who enjoys a little self-pleasure once in a while.

A Muslim televangelist has reportedly claimed that men who masturbate will find their hands pregnant in the afterlife.

~ snip ~

‘Moreover, one hadith states that those who have sexual intercourse with their hands will find their hands pregnant in the afterlife, complaining against them to God over its rights,’ Hurriyet quotes him as saying.

~ snip ~

[reddread]

1. babyfingers

[FrodosPet]

3. LOL

[BeyondGeography]

2. Why both hands?

Not fair.

[awoke_in_2003]

7. Some guys

need more hand than others

[Ghost in the Machine]

35. Like the old Burger King slogan??

"It takes two hands to handle a whopper"?

Ghost

[Ghost in the Machine]

34. Maybe the other hand gets jealous??

Or, switching hands could be like getting some "strange"?



Ghost

[RandySF]

4. Then I guess I'll be expecting a lot of kids.

[leftofcool]

5. LOL!

[leftofcool]

6. Okie dokie! What about masturbating women?

[Pauldg47]

33. They will end up with ten penis'

[Tom_Foolery]

8. Great! I'll finally get a reality show on TLC!!!

[Arugula Latte]

47. "19 Hand Spawn and Counting"

[Tom_Foolery]

59. That's the ticket...

[Fred Sanders]

9. Pat Robertson and ilk are different, how?

[FrodosPet]

10. Suits instead of robes?

[Fred Sanders]

11. The Muslim evangelicals have nicer clothes than the Christian evangelicals, very fine robes, so that is true.

[FrodosPet]

16. But they both cover dark hearts

Both religions have some wonderful points about charity and forgiveness.

Too bad they have to be co-opted by greedy hateful people who use religion as a weapon, and not as art and medicine.

[Matrosov]

46. Nobody says they are

Same Abrahamic shit, slightly different smell

[NuclearDem]

12. Think I'm going to need a c section.

[Aerows]

13. How do people take religion seriously?

I mean, come on.

[FrodosPet]

17. Too many

Far, far too many.

[3catwoman3]

26. Damn good question.

I am unable to suspend my intellect sufficiently to buy into that which is so patently absurd.

[Aerows]

37. My sense of disbelief

went out of the window long ago. It's silly.

[dawg]

43. Because some of us are religious (or at least spiritual) without ....

necessarily saying or believing anything as mind-crushingly ridiculous as pregnant hands.

I believe God exists.
I believe he wants us all to love one another.
I don't overly concern myself about any of the finer details.

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and I taught all my hand-babies to think the same as me.

[Arugula Latte]

48. Hand babies make as much sense as crackers turning into Jesus body or Muhammud riding

a horse to Heaven or those hidden Golden Tablets or Scientology space ships.

So, yeah, good question.

[TexasTowelie]

14. But I took the pill...

...or did I? I can't remember.

[Hoppy]

15. Son, if you masturbate, you will go blind.

Dad, then can I just do it until I need glasses?

[FrodosPet]

21. So THAT'S why I need readers

And need to stock up on formula and diapers, even though my on again/off again girlfriend is post menopausal.

[Hoppy]

18. My father came into my room and caught me choking the chicken.

Dad, pointing at the window: "Son, if you keep doing that, you're gonna go blind."

Me: "Dad, I'm over here."

[romanic]

19. My response

[IMG][/IMG]

[FrodosPet]

40. Marsha! Marsh! Marsha!

[nadinbrzezinski]

20. Now I want to WATCH that delivery

[Art_from_Ark]

22. It's going to be like that alien delivery

in the first Alien movie.

[nadinbrzezinski]

23. Dancing included? (On the spoof)

That will be entertaining.

<iframe width="640" height="390" src="

" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>

[oldandhappy]

24. Wonder if that televangelist plans on amputating his own hands??!!

Those who feel they got the right to make the rules, do end up in funny places. Look out, sir.

[WillyT]

25. Don't Knock Masturbation... That's Sex With Someone I Love

[Elwood P Dowd]

28. There are some religious repukes out there that say masturbation kills potential babies

and should be outlawed.

[FrodosPet]

32. I'll give them my love gun when they pry it from my cold, dead hands

And I refuse to give up my right to bare arms.

I just don't like long sleeved shirts.

[donco]

29. all i can

say is that they better not have an abortion or triplets.

[BlueStater]

30. So, will our hands give birth to tiny humans?

Or will they be, like, hand creatures?

[FrodosPet]

31. "Thing" likes that idea

[Elwood P Dowd]

36. Best way to curb that urge to masturbate.

Close your eyes and imagine Mitch McConnell and Ann Coulter making love.

[3catwoman3]

41. That oughta do it -

- whether it were with each other or either of them with anyone else.

[Arugula Latte]

49. I think you meant "Best way to curb one's will to live."

[Eleanors38]

52. wrapped up like snakes.

[olddots]

38. hey dad I'm over here

[Tierra_y_Libertad]

39. But, it's pretty hard to say it was non-consensual.

[hifiguy]

42. It is a crying shame that world religulous stupidity reserves

cannot be transformed into clean energy. The oil companies would be out of business overnight, we'd have enough for 100,000 years and a working warp drive would exist before next Festivus. Homo "sapiens" my shiny metal ass.

[trumad]

44. Renaming my hands...

Duggar one, Duggar two.

[Bosonic]

45. That'll be freaky

[Arugula Latte]

50. Now that is a hand-y visual aid!

[Raine1967]

51. SATIRE ALERT.

This is really shitty satire at that.

[Bosonic]

53. Poe's law is in effect

http://www.hurriyetdailynews.com/masturbating-men-will-find-their-hands-pregnant-in-the-afterlife-says-muslim-televangelist.aspx?pageID=238&nID=82936&NewsCatID=393

[Raine1967]

57. Or Raed Dog!

upside down, inside out backwards and forwards…

[Jester Messiah]

54. Are there wire hangers in heaven?

I'm uh... asking for a friend.

[Blue Owl]

55. Rosie Palm is knocked up?

[kcdoug1]

56. Well....

that explains a couple of things...

[notadmblnd]

58. Must be where the man-vagina resides

I always wondered about that.