Sad and Confused...My friend shot his mother on Mother's Day

[titaniumsalute]

No this isn't a headline to shock or get your attention. A dear friend of 15 years shot and killed his mother on Mother's Day. He then took a handful of pills and tried to commit suicide. Although he was unsuccessful in killing himself, he will most likely never come out of the coma he's now facing.

Although this sounds awful, and it is, there is a back story. My friend has been caring for two ailing parents for 10 years. His father died two years ago. His mother, suffering 9 years of dementia, has had almost no memory for the past six years.

My friend has had no life except caring for his parents for a decade. He's had no job as he cannot leave the house. He hasn't had a date, a trip to the movies, a walk in the park. He had no relatives to help out. Last Friday, apparently, his mother fell and broke another bone. Apparently he had his last straw watching his mother suffer. He shot her in the head, sat down next to her and took a handful of prescription meds.

Apparently his mom would set the house on fire, kick the cats, had no idea who her son was, would try to escape the home, scream for hours, etc. I guess he reached his breaking point.

Why does this happen in the most powerful nation in the world? Actually HOW does this fucking happen? When I hear Republicans calling for cutting Medicare, Medicaid, Social Security, etc. this kind of awful scenario will play out even more. It is sickening.

Also this again begs the question of why euthanasia isn't legal in this country. Rich people can pay for nursing homes, 24 care, etc. But normal people cannot. So, as this is extreme, millions face this kind of situation. Ugg. Now I am drinking heavily.

[mucifer]

1. That is horribly horribly sad.

[polichick]

2. So sad and, you're right, this shouldn't happen in a wealthy country like this...

Bless your friend and his mom - and bless you too.

[TBF]

3. Very sad. Many of us are dealing with this -

my inlaws are mid-80s now and have what most people would consider decent resources. Not uber-rich, just a nice retirement home in golf community, savings, and a long-term care policy. For middle-class folks that's pretty good. They've been retired 20 years now and starting to lose their health.

Right now we and the other sibling are in different areas of the country trying to decide what to do. The parents are together in their little home and dad doesn't want to move. We have nurses checking on them a few hours a day, but it would be ideal to move them into assisted living. Meanwhile, the assholes at the insurance company have yet to reimburse any of the nursing care they are supposed to cover. It sucks and we are in better shape than most.

I am so sorry for your friend's situation and I know it's hard for you having to deal with it as well.

[mazzarro]

4. So sorry to read about this

I hope he somehow find relief if and when he comes out of coma. It is sad that he did not have help to deal with his situation.

[dana_b]

5. oh my...

I can't imagine what you must be going through. You are so right that this should NEVER happen in this day and age. Your friend should have had respite - with help from his fellow citizens through our taxes. Your friend should have had a nurse or assisted living or at that point (since his mother was so confused) a nursing home and again - with help from his fellow citizens. His mother's death and his fate are at least partially (if not more so) on the heads of those who do not believe in helping their fellow citizens.
I am so sorry.

[BlueIris]

6. I am terribly, terribly sorry to read this.

I have also been caring for an ailing parent for ten years. She is not (yet) as bad off as your friend's mother was, but this is going in that direction. I have been posting here for a while that the future of this country and it's two most viable generations is in grave danger because of the lack of available senior care.

Many more may take this route, or leave their seniors family members dying in the streets to avoid it.

I hope your friend makes a recovery somehow.

[metalbot]

7. Why euthanasia isn't legal?

So, you're basically saying, "I don't understand why he couldn't just have had her put down legally, like one would a sick pet?" It would be one thing to discuss euthanasia for someone who is brain dead and has no realistic chance of recovery, but an entirely different thing to suggest that euthanasia might be reasonable for someone with dementia.

Sorry about your friend and his mom. A tragedy on several levels.

[Hoyt]

12. We don't really know what kind of life his mom had.

Advanced stages of dementia can be a lot worse than being brain dead, IMO. And no telling what other medical issues were present.

While one shouldn't be able to "put someone down" as you say, a process requiring proper approvals, etc., would be a nice option to have when life is little more than mere biology. It's a though issue, so I understand what you are saying.

[awoke_in_2003]

78. Should I ever get dementia...

I hope someone is compassionate enough to take me out. I don't want to live like that.

[AtheistCrusader]

82. Same here.

In fact, I intend to take myself out, when the time comes. My state has a legal method to accomplish this.

Problem is, when my mind starts to go, if and when it does, my opinion on that might change...
I would like for those that I trust, and who love me, to be able to do the right thing for me in that situation.

[Thav]

89. I second that. I watch my grandmother take care of my grandpa.

He had a series of strokes that brought on dementia. He doesn't remember his grand kids, nor does he really remember the past 30 years. He has lucid days, but most of the time he is upset and combative (not physically, just verbally).

My grandma deals with all of these with grace and compassion. I have never seen her lose her cool. She deserves an award. However Sainthood, The Congressional Medal of Honor, or a Nobel prize is good enough.

That said I hope I never put my family through that. It's too damn heartbreaking.

[awoke_in_2003]

99. "I hope I never put my family through that"...

that is my worry. If you have alzheimers or dementia, you probably don't know what is going on. But it is a real emotional beating for the family.

[kardonb]

22. euthansia

Dementia , too ,has no reasonable chance of recovery .

[MsPithy]

38. Well, then we have to face the facts.

Families can not care for dementia patients on their own, especially a family of one. Dementia patients do not get better, they only get worse. They need expensive care 24 hours a day, and even if it the best most compassionate care available they still live in torment.

That means more money from the rest of us. Or, end the wars and take profit out of health care insurance.

[DesertDiamond]

60. We do have euthanasia - it's called "hospice." At the least at-home version...

which is all I've observed. In hospice, you promise to die within the next six months. If you don't, they put you on a morphine drip because "the patient is in too much pain." It's no coincidence that every person who is deemed by hospice to be in too much pain and needs a morphine drip has a life expectancy of pretty much two more days. It depresses the breathing and the heart function until the patient passes away. So yes, we do have euthanasia.

[sinkingfeeling]

69. Oh, stop it. Hospice does not put people on morphine drips to cause their deaths!

How insulting to hospice workers and those of us who have parents in hospice. My 93 yr. old mother has been under hospice care for 14 months and counting. She has a 'living will' and instructions that she be given no medications in attempts to keep her going and a DOR order.

[obamanut2012]

71. Hospice does not kill people if they don't die soon enough!

What a horrible thing to say about such a wonderful organization.

[AtheistCrusader]

83. Ugh, correlation/causation.

I held my father's hand when he took his last breath. The morphine didn't kill him. It kept one of the toughest dudes I've ever known from screaming and crying like a child in pain. In fact it wasn't a drip at all, it was an oral dose he administered himself for as long as he had the physical function to accomplish it.

Dying slowly in bed is not a painless exprience.

[Codeine]

84. That's one of the most bullshit posts I've ever fucking read.

An insult to dedicated hospice providers and a tribute to your absolutely cosmic level of pure and unalloyed pig-ignorance.

[mn9driver]

85. I'm guessing you recently lost someone close to you

and they were in hospice. In grief, it's very normal to rationalize how if things had just gone differently your loved one would still be with you, or at least would have been with you longer. Sending healing prayers your way.

[renate]

86. what an incredibly kind and compassionate response

I'm genuinely impressed and touched. When I read the post you're responding to, my blood pressure went up and I immediately started writing a response in my head, but yours just made me embarrassed to have reacted that way. I learned something really valuable today.

[a la izquierda]

104. You're nicer than I am.

My grandfather died Sunday after a few hours in hospice.
The post about hospice equaling euthanasia has me furious.

[a la izquierda]

103. My grandfather died three days ago in hospice.

You have no idea the rage I'm suppressing at your post at this very moment. His body was wracked with cancer all over and he was in miserable suffering.

[gadjitfreek]

61. Some things are worse than death

I have two parents who are nearing their 70's and both have increasing health issues. My brother wants nothing to do with them so the care for both of them will fall squarely on my shoulders. I have no family of my own, no wife, no kids and no possibility of either coming down the pike. I am not cut out to be a caregiver. I know for a fact that if I ever get to the point where I don't know who I am or where I am it's time to have me put down, as you put it. I don't want anyone else's religious superstitious fairy tale nonsense to get in the way of that. If I have to move to a state that allows it I will. We treat our pets with FAR more dignity than we treat each other. There is no realistic chance of recovery from dementia. It's worse than a coma because you are trapped inside an ever-decaying mind, rotting from within and losing your identity, memories and yourself in the process.

[titaniumsalute]

70. I agree with you and your post 100%. Thanks for sharing.

[dmallind]

81. Yeah - why should humans be allowed dignity and respite like dogs

Why should humans be deprived of their glorious God-given span of agony and insanity?

Why should humans not be allowed to enjoy every wonderful second of their own brains - the source of their very identity and personhood - literally killing them slowly in a nightmare of twisted and horrible aynaptic misfires?

Why should humans be treated like beloved dogs, who are painlessly and gently ushered out of interminable pain and suffering when their lives are no longer worth continuing?

[Hoyt]

8. I'm really sorry. We better find better ways to care for the elderly.

Having helped my late wife care for her sick parents - she did a lot more around the clock work than me - I've got some feel for the tremendous stress your friend was under. I also agree with your comments on health care and euthanasia.

[Baitball Blogger]

9. Edited for correction:

I'm terribly sorry for the tragic events. Parents with dementia would overwhelm anyone who doesn't have a strong family support system.

[ScreamingMeemie]

10. I misread it too. I believe he has been a friend of the OP for 15 years.

And is not 15 himself.

[Baitball Blogger]

14. thanks. I made the necessary correction.

[ScreamingMeemie]

11. That is devastating.

No one should have to deal with that. We have got to do better. My thoughts go out to you. I'm so sorry.

[Gregorian]

13. Compassion.

What a tragic reality.

When and what will it take for Americans to start paying attention to the human side of society. It's heartbreaking. I feel so sad for that man and his family. And for you for having had to witness and go through this suffering.

[RKP5637]

15. This may be a wealthy country for some, but it's sorely lacking in many

other ways. This really isn't so much a country for people, as much as it is a financial cash register ringing up $$$'s for some. In some ways it's a disgrace to mankind.

[ingac70]

16. No nursing home would take her?

My family isn't rich, and when we couldn't care for our elderly family members anymore they went to state run nursing homes. Not the nicest places in the world, but if someone has regular visitors they make sure extra care is taken.

[KatyaR]

17. If you don't have cash on the barrelhead, nursing homes don't want you.

My mom suffered from Alzheimer's. When it became apparent that she needed around-the-clock care, I had to put her in a nursing home. She didn't qualify for Medicaid because she had Social Security, retirement and a home, so I had to sell the house and all her possessions for the cash. I was lucky, with that money plus her retirement benefits and Social Security, we were able to pay the thousands of dollars every month for her care, which was good but nowhere near the best.

My cousin had to quit her job years ago to take care of her cancer-stricken father. Her husband and only child were dead, as was her mother, and her siblings decided that they didn't like the way she was taking care of their dad, so they refused to help her. She took care of him for 5 years with no help. Her church friends slowly faded away, and there was no one else. Thanks to my wonderful nun friends, I was able to get her someone to stay with her dad so she could go to her high school reunion. When her dad died, she had trouble finding work (she only had a high-school education). Luckily she got into a government program that got her a relatively good job that she had until she died a few years ago.

It's a travesty that people should struggle like this. It's nowhere close to being "pro life." "grr"

[jtuck004]

55. You are fortunate that your state hasn't cut that yet

Many states see this as an expense they can do away with, and have. And there is likely to be pressure for more cuts as the percent of our senior population increases.

[One Voice]

18. So sad!

Please don't drink too much, and take care of yourself.
I'm sorry.

[freshwest]

43. +1

[liberalmuse]

19. This is a tragic story...

I'm so sorry. Instead of one person having the choice to die with dignity, two lives are ruined.

Euthanasia, when abused by complete assholes, like it was during Hitler's regime, can be horrific. However, we put down our pets to ease their suffering, yet there are only 2 states in this country that allow euthanasia? I'm in one of them, and I don't think this is by mistake. People go to extremes - you see it with the Republicans and their dreaded "Socialism". Hey, socialism is probably one of the most compassionate forms of government on the planet right now. They have in their heads "socialist dictatorship" and therefore, all socialism is bad. I plan to be euthanized when the time comes. I'm putting it in my last will and testament, and I believe my daughter will comply.

[ProfessionalLeftist]

20. It happens in an uncivilized, immoral country, run by greedy zealots

Who haven't a clue what empathy or "sanctity of life" truly is. And I agree with you - euthanasia should be legal here. Absolutely.

[dkf]

21. It sounds like he couldn't take it anymore.

If he had called an ambulance, he probably could have finally gotten help. When the hospital personnel saw her condition they likely would have recommended 24 hour supervision and he could have been given better options.

This is too tragic.

[panader0]

23. The official cause on my Dad's death certificate was dementia

I had become a father three times in the two years before his death (twins). I was overwhelmed at work, at home and dealing with Dad. He still lived at home until one Sunday morning, when I went by to check on him/take him shopping, I found him unconscious on the floor next to his bed. He had gotten tied up in his blankets, rolled off the bed and fallen on his dog. I called the paramedics. I was able to get him up and into the shower, but the dog was dead. He went to an army hospital, and then a nursing home, never to go home again. The nursing home seemed like a good choice, but when I showed up to visit, I would find him over medicated, and often unattended. He ended up at a hospice for a short while, then died. God, I miss him.
But I can't relate to the extent of your friends predicament. I hope that he will recover, be pardoned, and finally be able to live.

[glinda]

53. OMG that is awful. I feel for you.

[NotThisTime]

67. I can sympathize with the friend

My Husband and I took care of my Father In Law for 12 years in our home along with the help of his mother, although she really took care of our kids so we could focus on the father, she really couldn't deal with him. He had Alzheimer's the entire time.... it was stressful and there were 3 of us adults but we had two children as well. We built a bigger house, we equipped it with what we needed, but it was still damn hard, damn hard, I can't imagine doing that alone, I feel nothing but compassion for this man who had to go it alone. We are now taking in my Mother In Law who just had a serious fall and is in rehab hospital, she lived on her own for only four years.... so now we are going to go through it again, the two of us, with 2 children who are both leaving to start their own lives next year.... but she still has her faculties, but there are only two of us, it's a scary road no matter how you look at it, and there isn't nearly the help one needs... there is no way to escape for a single day. My prayers go out to this man that he can recover both physically and emotionally, it's a sad situation to say the least..... but I understand it.

[Buns_of_Fire]

24. I'm terribly sorry. But I know the feeling.

My mother died in the latter part of March. For the last months, I had been her eyes, her ears, and her orderly. Towards the end, dementia took hold and I never knew what person I'd be dealing with when I knocked on her door in the morning. One day, I'd be a saint. Later that afternoon, I'd be the lowest scum on earth. It wasn't her fault.

But it will grind you down.

[patrice]

25. So sad for your friend. He is a hero who broke.

Even under good circumstances, in-home care is profoundly difficult.

Your friend must be a very special human being, to do that almost entirely by himself.

[Ecumenist]

26. Oh my God, I am so sorry for your friend and his family. There was noone to help this poor man?

If he's not to come out of this coma, I wish him a swift, safe passage home where he can finally have rest and peace. Bless his heart and you're right. in this country, THIS SHOULD NOT HAPPEN!! There needs to be a safety net for people in this situation where they have help and support that doesn't require one to be a gazillionaire to afford. Oh my God, I am so, so VERY sorry this has happened and I wish nothing but some measure of comfort and peace to your friend, his family AND YOU !

[WillowTree]

27. Why don't people remember that they have to put on their own oxygen mask first?

So very sorry about your friend and his mother. I wish there had been some way that he could have had a chance to take better care of himself before things got to this point. So so sad.

[bupkus]

28. This is a truly horrible story

And it happens in America, one of the richest nations on earth, because we have to give those millionaires and billionaires another tax break.

[enough]

29. After taking care of both my elderly parents (dad with Alzheimer's) until their deaths,

I am hoping that euthanasia becomes an important issue in our society SOON. I mean euthanasia FOR ME, if I should get Alzheimer's like my father.

I do not want to suffer as he did, and even more, I do not want my condition to become the nightmare for my family that Alzheimer's can be.

I want my family to have a way to allow me to die peacefully before they have to go through years of torture taking care of me, if I should get the disease. If it happens, I will not be able to commit suicide myself.

I have witnessed death in both my parents, and I do not fear it. Death can be the beloved friend of the human being, when it comes at the right time.

Sorry about this sad sad story your friend's family is going through.

[Betsy Ross]

32. Growing up I heard my parents say they would

commit suicide to avoid a lingering death. In reality, my poor father existed for years with dementia. It is so important that we get the right to make our own decisions on this. At the very least, be sure you have a legal directive for medical care.

[enough]

33. It's exactly that inability to take action that prevents the dementia sufferer from doing what

he or she may have intended to do. This is why euthanasia is such an important issue. The legal directive for medical care is not going to solve this issue. The legal directive addresses only the question of what sort of measures should be taken to prolong life in a medical situation. It does not deal with the question of how to actively end life when the person has reached a point where they would have wanted to die but cannot now take action.

Believe me, I have dealt with all these issues over and over with my two parents. Not even "assisted suicide" is going to help us with this problem.

[Betsy Ross]

34. The medical directive will not solve this problem

But it is important for everyone to have one and an opportunity to remind folks...

[abelenkpe]

30. I am so sorry to hear about your friend

Our country should do a better job of taking care of our elderly.

[Betsy Ross]

31. My deepest sympathies

I completely understand your friend. Very close to home. What part of this story isn't a tragedy?

[Coyote_Bandit]

35. .

I helped my parents take care of their parents. As a child I can remember my grandparents caring for their parents. Unless you've done it, you do not know the real toll this kind of care exacts. My siblings are gone so it falls to me to care for my parents. It's a job that will fall to me alone as I do not expect the extended family to contribute in this effort.

Please understand that your friends actions were not spontaneous. They were the result of extreme and prolonged stress and sacrifice. Your friend is a hero.

[bkkyosemite]

36. This is horrible but my husband

is in a Foster Home with Dementia. We are on a fixed income and Medicaid takes care of what I cannot for foster home fees and his medical that Medicare does not take care of.

I do not understand why his mother was not in a foster home where he could visit and have a life yet be watchful over her while she was being taken care of by caregivers. I'm sorry this happened.

[glinda]

51. If he had no income because he cared for her for so long and if he was

depressed and saddened, that would push him to the action. See, he would most likely be possibly homeless and or loose the home if she went into care somewhere. He perhaps thought he was doing the best he could....

[Rhiannon12866]

37. Oh, wow, I am just so terribly sorry!

What an awful thing for both your friend and for you. I completely understand exactly what you're saying and it shocks and angers me, too. I also know people who could use help, are suffering and just manage to get by. To take away such a slim lifeline is unconscionable, and way too many fall through the cracks, like your poor friend, and this is a tragedy of epidemic proportions in this country. Please let us know how you're doing. You have to know that your DU family understands and cares...

[cr8tvlde]

39. Worked in the Home Health Care industry for a couple of years

in Marketing and Client Relations, and what goes on is heartrending. It paid well, but had to move on.

I wish this poor person could have gotten at least respite care or In Home Care Services at least in California. Probably had assets which precluded Medicaid nursing home care. I know that haunts many adult children...either take care of Mom or Dad until they die, or spend down the entire estate, then they can get Medicare.

I don't think it's so much an issue of euthanasia but one of the lack of a "liberal" safety net for the elderly. On the other hand, nursing homes are outrageous in their charges and equally outrageous in the quality of care, just as are hospitals. Rick Scott, Gov FL comes to mind.

May your friend RIP.

Please, everyone that reads this, look into long term health care insurance or buy it for your parents. It may be a hassle and an extra expense when you are younger, but time passes, and I've seen many families ripped apart and seniors who live miserably as a financial and emotional burden to their kids...no one wins. Unlike house or auto insurance, everyone will get old for the most part and likely need it.

Also, it's more humane than euthanasia.

[MADem]

40. He should have "walked away" (legally speaking) years ago.

He could have. He should have. He should have had her declared incompetent, liquidated her assets, put all of them towards her care, and let the state take it from there.

Of course, that would have left him on his own. If he was living in her house, he'd have to find new digs. It would be New Beginnings for him, too.

Mother probably would have gotten better care on the state than what he tried to give her. She would have been well and truly medicated, but not unhappy. She would have been SAFE from herself.

I am sure he meant well, in fact, I know (without even knowing him) that he did, but mother needed to be taken into care and put in a mental hospital in a locked ward a long time ago.

For a brief period of agony and guilt, he would have had a life for this past decade, and he could have visited mom every day in the state hospital or elderly care facility (or two or three times a week) to check on her. Instead, he was looking at "euthanasia" options, trying and failing to do what trained professionals (many of whom don't get paid enough) know how to do, and making his own life miserable. And he succeeded in doing just that--making a total mess of his own life. Very sad.

[Kaleva]

42. I wish I could rec your post.

I did work for three elderly women in years past who were taking care of their husbands. The men they had loved, married and raised a family with were gone. Replaced by people who looked like their husband's but were totally different. They needed their diapers changed, couldn't feed themselves and spent their time awake requiring constant supervision as they yelled and hollered. What I saw in these women was an anger and deep resentment. One told me flat out she was looking forward to the day her husband died.

[MADem]

47. I have relatives who work caring for people who are at the end of the line.

It's tough work and they do it well and compassionately. They're more up to speed than I am on the Hows and Whys and Wherefores of "the system" and the courts and how ceding "authority" can work for people--if they'd only put aside their pride and realize when they can't handle it anymore. I've heard enough from them to know that they know what they're talking about, though!

It's one thing to care for someone as part of a large team for seven hours a day, who may need to be medicated, and watched, and corrected--it's another thing to try to do that ALONE around the clock. A friken SAINT can't do it! A health care worker can get help with a shout, is on a fixed shift, and can go HOME at the end of it.

A family member trying to do all that caregiving is on a never ending treadmill. Sometimes, it's best to just give up the "stuff," simplify, and move on--if doing that ensures that your loved one is in a safe environment and the family member keeps their sanity, it's more than worth it.

[yankeepants]

54. He probably could have kept the house

If a family member is living in the house for two years prior to a person being put on Medicaid they can remain in the house. That is how it is in NYS anyhow.

I had promised my mother that I would not put her in a home but as her demetia ramped up I knew it was either her or me who was going to totally lose it. I had to put her in a nursing home and yes liquidate all of her assets including her home but it saved my mind and put her in the hands of professionals.

I am sorry for the OP's loss.

[MADem]

63. Here's how I view it--it's not a question of total time in the saddle, it's a question of Quality

Time interacting with the unwell individual. If the primarily responsible caregiving family member can keep their sanity, they can spend their energy overseeing their loved one's care, making sure they are getting the help that they need, that they are safe, fed, warm, cared for. When they visit, they can use the energy they have to try to give their loved one the best possible quality of life and a comforting environment with foods, routines, etc., that the individual enjoys.

You did the right thing. You wouldn't have helped anyone, not your mother, not yourself, had you done otherwise. It's sometimes hard to convince people of this. I have a friend, whose husband is completely out of it, like Ronnie Reagan, who is trying to hang in there and do it all with just a little respite care--no round the clock nursing like Nancy R. had. She is in her youthful seventies, but every time I see her she seems much older. Stress and lack of sleep will do that to you.

[ElboRuum]

74. You are probably right...

...however, societal attitudes in this country, as least as far as I've seen them, is that you do whatever is necessary to care for the elderly yourself, otherwise you are a callous person who doesn't love them. Ridiculous, I know, but the attitude prevails. This is just my experience, YMMV.

[MADem]

79. The most compassionate thing people can do is admit when they can't handle it.

Anyone with a brain can understand what the end of one's rope is like.

Anyone who doesn't get the dynamic and who looks down upon someone making a decision that will optimize the level of care for an aged person is not a friend anyway, so really--who cares what they think? They're wrong.

A lot of people who are experienced in eldercare issues will say the same thing--that old "sacrifice and work your fingers to the bone and go nuts from exhaustion" paradigm is out the window. The best help you can be to an aged relative is often as someone providing oversight to care provided by others, and as a happy, cheery and positive visitor (instead of a crabby, exhausted, resentful live-in).

The trick is finding a good placement, one where the staff is kind and responsible. It doesn't have to be the newest or fanciest, so long as the nutrition is good, the environment is safe and reasonably pleasant, and the elderly person feels comfortable there.

[ElboRuum]

80. Oh, don't get me wrong, I agree 100%.

That paradigm should have been tossed out with the trash decades ago. All I'm saying is that quite a few people are still languishing under that paradigm and maybe this guy was one of them, which made it difficult/impossible to simply walk away.

[MADem]

95. I know what you mean. Pity someone didn't take him aside and give him the old pep talk.

Probably the kindest thing people can say to others in that situation is that it's OK to get help and put a loved one in a safe environment.

It's an entirely different situation if the loved one has all their marbles and can get around and be reasonably independent, but when they don't know who their own kids are and wander off and get lost, it's time to find other solutions.

[peace13]

91. A promise is a promise.

As a caregiver I don't quite understand your comment. When it is one of your own you may feel differently. My sister does not live in my home but I feed her twice a day, she lives in a special care unit, has hospice and extra caregivers three hours a day. It is still exhausting managing her care with all of this help. This man didn't have the resources that I am lucky enough to have or he would have had the help he needed. There is the sadness from loss but also the exhaustion from care giving. Who is to say when he got in over his head.

Don't judge his motives for keeping her at home. "Of course, that would have left him on his own. If he was living in her house, he'd have to find new digs". That seems a heartless comment. I don't think this man, killing mom and attempting to kill himself was an easy answer. More than likely it was the only answer he could see.

As far as locking mom in a mental hospital, that is over the top. A special care unit in a nursing facility could handle mom but that really doesn't solve this mans pain. There is the promise broken and the pain of watching his mother continue to suffer. I see these folks every day and as nice as the place may be it can not stop the internal pain that these residents suffer day and night. The families suffer right along with them.

My heart goes out to this man and those who loved him. Any kindness that we can give a caregiver is appreciated even if it is not related to the care giving. Sometimes we just need someone to listen to us. Sometimes my husband drives me over to my sister's when it is mealtime. I could drive myself but is nice to have the company. Sometimes he will feed her. Sometimes my friends will stop by to see my sister and I can have a break. Each small act reminds the caregiver that they are not alone. Support is a gift that bolsters the care giver.

[MADem]

94. When your "promise" puts the life of your loved one and the person providing care in danger, it's

time to renege on your promise.

People promise crap all the time, then they get down in the weeds and realize that what's best is not what was promised.

I've been there, done all that, and bought the tee shirt. I know exactly how hard it is to take care of someone who is gravely ill. I also know where my breaking point is. I'm not "heartless"-- I am just not stupid.

Apparently you need to re-read the OP. Had the man done as I suggested, which included liquidating mom's assets and locking her up (because she had DEMENTIA and needed to be secured--you can call it a "special care unit" but the "special care" is for people with MENTAL issues--so whatever) he wouldn't be in a (quite possibly permanent) coma. Oh--and MOM? She wouldn't be DEAD. He'd be visiting Mom in her locked, safe facility where experienced caregivers provide her with the support and assistance that she needs to end her days in comfort and dignity. He could bring her a milkshake and give her a hug. He wouldn't have been at the end of his rope, behaving stupidly due to being worn out from the strain and lack of sleep.

But hey--a promise is more important? So says you. I vociferously disagree. Neither you nor anyone else was anywhere near this poor guy when he needed help. He would have been better off going my way.

Your heart may go out to the man, but your advice is lousy. The guy is in a coma, and mom is dead. It didn't have to be that way.

[yankeepants]

100. Well said.

I have been there and had to break that promise. One of the hardest things i have ever had to do but as you said, it was the most humane for my mother and me.

[MADem]

107. And in breaking the promise, what you told your mom is that you REALLY CARE.

That you value HER well-being over your feelings of guilt or remorse. It's horrible to have to make those choices, but you know you did the right thing.

I have been so lucky (???) in a rather perverse way--I mostly have relatives who don't linger. In fact, in my opinion, they die too soon (I think 90 is too soon, but that's me), but when they make up their minds, they go quick--get sick, spend a week getting visitors in the hospital, and then ... poof.

Way harder on us, particularly with a family member who is especially vibrant and active in the larger community. We just went through a funeral recently that looked like a state occasion--I've never seen so many people lined up outside the door of a funeral home. The police directing traffic were crying...!

[peace13]

102. You were insinuating that the man put his own interest in front of his mother's.

You can't know that. I felt that your response was very callus toward this person. No matter. To each his own. We have to live with ourselves in the end.

I think that this poor guy needed a friend to help him make the connections to the services that could help him. It didn't happen and now things are bad for him.

Maybe you didn't read my post but I am in one of the fine Dementia wards at least twice a day. It is no picnic for the folks inside. Are they safe from other residents rages, safe from aides who may be having a bad day and say hurtful things or may be in a rush and transfer folks with less than care. Care giving is a tough job no matter if it is for a loved one or a job. There is no perfect.

What I hear in my family is comments such as yours. When people could help the caregiver by being involved they encourage the person who is actually doing the work to do less. They feel guilty about not giving and that leads to the stress of the folks who are doing the work. Really there is no easy answer. At the end of the day we have to look in the mirror and ask how do we want to be treated. If we are doing that for our loved one then all is good. No worries. That could mean placing our loved one at home or in an institution or on a morphine drip. It is not ours to judge.

My guess is that this guy was in over his head and he needed hand and didn't get one. There are hundreds of thousands of people in our country in this same position every day.

[MADem]

106. I was not insinuating anything, the word is "callous" and I wasn't that either, and you are

PROJECTING --completely.

Your "read" of what I was thinking and feeling is so far off the mark it isn't even funny. But what IS funny is that you're the only person who is taking my comments the "wrong" way.

The guy plainly DID NOT HAVE a friend to help him "make the connections"--that's why he's in a COMA.

Hello? Sure, if he had a friend, he might have had a different outcome. For that matter, if he had million dollars he could have afforded round the clock caregivers! If his mom had a great pension and a long term care plan he would have been in clover, too!

We're not talking about what might have been--we're talking about what would have been best based on what IS.

[peace13]

110. Yes, callous, that's the word.

Thanks for the correction.

In real life you and I probably aren't far off on our understanding of loving and caring for others. This just isn't our medium. Peace, Kim

[MADem]

111. Peace back at you.

I feel for people who find themselves in untenable positions. I wish there were more public education on options for people who find themselves struggling with these kinds of issues...

[redqueen]

96. This.

Such a sad situation. It's easy to see how that feels like letting loved ones down, but as you said it really isn't.

[mainer]

108. Guilt is a powerful thing

When my mother developed dementia, we had the resources to pay for longterm care. My job requires extensive travel, and I honestly felt I could not care for her properly at home. But even though she was very well looked after, in an excellent facility, I'm still haunted by guilt that I didn't abandon my career and stay home to care for her during those final three years. It would have made it truly difficult for the family (especially my husband) had I done so, but I still feel guilty.

[MADem]

109. You did the right thing, and you know it in your heart. I agree, though, that guilt can make

smart people make bad choices. The only thing you can do to mitigate the guilt is to visit often, and make the time you spend together as memorable as possible.

Had you abandoned your career, you would feel guilt about the resentment you harbored, and the fact that you gave up employment that made your family''s life better. The old "rob Peter to pay Paul" caveat applies--no matter what you'd have done, you'd feel bad about it. It is a no-win situation unless you win the lottery and can afford a full time staff to care for the family member at home in comfort.

The decision you made, though, was the smart one and the best one, given the circumstances.

[Atypical Liberal]

41. This is exactly what they want.

Why does this happen in the most powerful nation in the world? Actually HOW does this fucking happen? When I hear Republicans calling for cutting Medicare, Medicaid, Social Security, etc. this kind of awful scenario will play out even more. It is sickening.

This is exactly what they want to happen.

[EFerrari]

44. I'm so sorry.

[Cleita]

45. How awful. Alzheimer's really can't be treated at home unless one has an

extended family to help out and is able to afford some nursing help. Generally, the best place for such patients is in a nursing home that is equipped to deal with dementia. Of course there is less and less funding for this kind of care because of our broken system that is being made worse by Republican sociopaths. My heart goes out to him that it came to this. Our medical and care system for the elderly sucks. I hope there is a light at the end of this dark tunnel.

[unkachuck]

46. K&R....this is sad on so many levels....n/t

[one_voice]

48. That's so very sad...

I'm so sorry for your friend. We, as a country should be better than that. No one should feel this is the only way. Please take care of yourself.

[jerseyjack]

49. An observation and suggestion

If the person with dementia is violent, aggressive or acts out, few residential care facilities will keep them.

See an elder law attorney at the first sign of your loved one's deterioration. Initial consultations are either free or with a small fee. They can save you money in the end and/or provide for the care your loved one needs.

[glinda]

50. On a similar observance...wealthy couples can pay to stay together

with one being sicker and needing more help than the other. If you are poorer, you get separated. So say you are married like my parents were for 60 years, pffft* "so what" your marriage means nothing to them. Family values? caring for life? ya right.....

I am so sad this has happened to your friend and his mother and you.

[Odin2005]

52. OMG!

[Beacool]

56. What a tragedy all around.

I'm so sorry for your friend. May he have a chance at recovery and may her mom finally rest in peace.

[Raine]

57. My father had dementia and I took care of him for 3years

it was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. I hate to say it but sometimes I hoped and prayed that I would come in and find he had died in his sleep, not just for my sake but his too. I had someone I paid out of my own money who came twice a week to bath him, I couldn't have made it without them. It was such a relief when he died, not just for me but it wasn't any kind of life for him either.

[MADem]

97. Wow. You have my admiration.

I cared for a stroke patient family member for just over a year, but in that situation the patient started out terribly compromised but eventually, with therapy, pushing, prodding, etc., got better--it just took a long, long, long time and a lot of patience. My back was giving out and I was running out of steam when we finally turned the corner!

I can't imagine shouldering that kind of load for that amount of time. Pat yourself on the back. Your feelings about the situation are entirely human.

[goclark]

58. So sorry to hear about your friend

I am also sorry to hear that you are drinking heavily.

Hope that you will find the strenght to stop drinking .
As much as it may seem like it will take the pain away - the pain will still be there.
Seek help right away

goclark

[titaniumsalute]

75. Nah...I had two beers and went home.

[cali]

62. I'm not comfortable with your post.

there are a couple of things that are red flags to me.

Yes, we can all agree that this country fails in many ways but....

Did your friend's mother have medicare? How come he didn't place her in a nursing home? What counsel did you give him? Surely you say how bad things were? You say he had no relatives to help out and you say you were a friend. Did you help out in any way. You didn't just watch this go on for a decade without saying anything or offering any help, I hope.

And no, this doesn't beg the question of euthanasia.

I'm so sorry for your friend, but as I said...

[raccoon]

64. Sorry this happened. I don't know how your friend stood it as long as he did. nt

[Ferretherder]

65. I don't know what to say, other than...

........damn.

[Boudica the Lyoness]

66. So sorry.

Years ago I worked as a lab tech in a very small hospital. The hospital had a nursing home wing attached to it. It was during my years working in the lab, I was exposed to people suffering from the middle and end stages of dementia. It frightened and depressed me. My heart would break for the patients and their families.

All what you said about your friends mother's behavior I have seen. The nursing home patients had around the clock care and they were a hand full for even the experienced nurses. One poor lady would wander the halls looking terrified and confused. She would sit in her room for hours and just scream. It was horrible. One morning, it was still dark and well below freezing, when I was going in on call and the x-ray tech was running around the parking lot looking for her because she was lost again.

When she died, long after I'd left my job, my husband offered his condolences to her family. (They were a local farming family and well off). They said it was a great relief for them when she finally died.

I don't know how anyone could cope with a dementia sufferer without any help. I feel so sorry for your friend. People should not have to go through this alone.

[lapislzi]

68. This is why I have The Plan.

It's macabre, and it's horrible, and it's in writing. My husband and daughter have read and understand it.

I've done my research. I am confident that I can off myself efficiently, quickly, and relatively painlessly. I'm stocked up on the necessary pharmaceuticals, which are rotated out as they expire. Should I become ill with dementia or other incurable condition, more meds will be easy to come by. My husband and daughter are competent at administering the injections that would be necessary to get the ball rolling.

The problem will be if I contract dementia, I won't necessarily know when it's time to go. My loved ones will be the ones to initiate the sequence, and to ensure that I die by my own hand. It will be beyond awful for them, but better than living with me living with dementia. I choose not to live that way.

It is the ultimate expression of the You're On Your Own state. I cannot even count on a dignified end to my own life, unless I do it myself.

[crim son]

77. I respect you for making such a Plan.

My mother has given me similar instructions, but informally, and I will instruct my kids the same way.

[jwirr]

72. Alzheimer's is a hellish disease. I prayed for my mother's death even though she was in a nursing

home. I was glad when she went. She was miserable. I imagine the law is not going to overlook this but there should be mercy. I am sorry for him. To you I say stand with him if he needs you. There are a lot of people who are facing this problem and the idiots want to cut medical research and care!!!!

[ElboRuum]

73. I'll answer your last question.

"Also this again begs the question of why euthanasia isn't legal in this country. Rich people can pay for nursing homes, 24 care, etc. But normal people cannot."

It's a confluence of a few specific attitudes and realities in this country:

1. The predominant religions in this country view the human body as ultimately God's property, and therefore only he can decide when you've outlived your stay on Earth.

2. Extreme measures to preserve life, no matter the quality, are seen as heroic, while attempts to bring life to merciful end are treated as cowardice. More or less a quasi-religious extension of the above, it again places your life as "not yours", only God can determine what suffering you are to endure.

3. Infirmity at old age contributes ridiculous amounts of money to the health provider system, therefore redistributing any wealth amassed over one's lifetime back into circulation.

4. If bad things happen to you, it's because you've been bad and deserve no sympathy. Another ridiculous yet common view.

I'm sure there are others, but it really just puts a fine point on just how judgmental we are as a society and how little we believe in actual choices and freedoms, you know, ones that really cut to what it means to be human.

[deathrind]

76. Very Sad.

You have my thoughts and sympathies. As a care giver for and elderly family member I understand completely. I cared for my mother until her death in 04 and have since cared for my grandmother who is now 84 and slowly deteriorating right before my eyes. I also do not understand how as a country as powerful as ours why this happens. Both my mom and grandmother paid into SS and Medicare all their life and at the end when they needed/need help there is nothing. It is infuriating hearing people call SS and Medicare "entitlements" we pay into them just like 401k's so there is really no difference. I also do not understand your last sentence either and why a person is not able to make such a decision once they get to a point life where life is no longer worth living. We treat our pets with more compassion than we do our people.

I wish you the very best and your friend as well.

[LongTomH]

87. Sir Terry Pratchett: "I'll die before the endgame"

In an interview in The DailyMail Online, author Sir Terrence Pratchett repeated his intent to take his own life before his Alzheimer's progresses to the point where he is no longer himself:

'I believe that if the burden gets too great, those who wish should be allowed to be shown the door,' he said. 'In my case, in the fullness of time, I hope it will be in the garden under an English sky. Or, if wet, the library.

//snip

We are being stupid. We have been so successful in the past century at the art of living longer and staying alive that we have forgotten how to die. Too often we learn the hard way. As soon as the baby boomers pass pensionable age, their lesson will be harsher still. At least, that is what I thought until last week.

Now, however, I live in hope - hope that before the disease in my brain finally wipes it clean, I can jump before I am pushed and drag my evil Nemesis to its doom, like Sherlock Holmes and Moriarty locked in combat as they go over the waterfall.

In any case, such thinking bestows a wonderful feeling of power; the enemy might win but it won't triumph.

//snip

I have met Alzheimer's sufferers who are hoping that another illness takes them away first. Little old ladies confide in me, saying: 'I've been saving up my pills for the end, dear.'

The article is beautiful, brave and compassionate. Sir Terry was diagnosed with a form of early onset Alzheimer's in 2007; so far, he's beating the disease and still writing.

But, he's a very vocal advocate for allowing people to commit suicide when their condition becomes unbearable.

[lapislzi]

90. I don't want to/can't afford to die in Switzerland

I have the utmost respect for the Dignitas Clinic. I only wish there were more of them.

I would like to die at home, with my family and tribe nearby.

[valerief]

88. This nation is only powerful for the wealthy. It's shit for everyone else. nt

[Rozlee]

92. My husband's been diagnosed with dementia.

I'm shocked at how fast he's going. But, he's got options being a veteran and my step-daughter and I have looked into the state veteran's home here in Texas and other elder care centers specifically for military retirees like the nursing home at Air Force Village. It would be wonderful if all people with dementia and Alzheimers had this kind of government aid available to them. I can even move into the AF Village apartments to be near to him. This kind of care should be available to every American. The baby boom generation is getting older. Cases of dementia and Alzheimers are going to be rising rapidly, along with their resultant burden on families and society. Tax cuts for the rich are going to be strangling programs to fund elderly care and resources for their families.

[Smilo]

93. Condolences dear titaniumsalute

this can not be easy for you and thank you for sharing.

To see someone who cared for you all their life turn into someone you don't know who is suffering with the worst that the disease throws at them is not only extremely heartbreaking, but also exhausting, all-consuming and unrelentless. The decision your friend made - rightly or wrongly it and it can be debated on for ages - I believe was actually courageous in that he obviously loved his mom enough to stop her from hurting anymore. That would be a very tough decision to make. Guilt is a terrible thing to live with and we know why he took the sleeping pills - I hope wherever his mind is, that he is at peace and stays that way.

Blessings and peace to you also T.

[WHEN CRABS ROAR]

98. In answer to your question, it happens because

the powers that run this country value the military, war and greed over the well being of of our citizens.
Pure and simple.

[Honeycombe8]

101. I wonder why he didn't put her in a nursing home?

That is precisely what nursing homes are for. Just wondering.

[queenjane]

105. He probably promised her he wouldn't

Lots of parents (including my mother) have begged the kids to promise never NEVER to put them in a nursing home. When the parent gets sick, the kids feel too guilty to do what's best for everyone, allowing the parent to be cared for by those better able to do so.

I told my mother I could never make that promise, because I have to work, have no other family nearby for extra help and support, and couldn't lift her if she became incapacitated.

[titaniumsalute]

112. Either that or

they had no money. Nursing homes, at least halfway decent ones, costs a fortune. I can't tell you for sure.

[nobodyspecial]

113. So, killing her is better?