We demand that women live in fear and behave impeccably to avoid 'asking for it'

[niyad]

We demand that women live in fear and behave impeccably to avoid 'asking for it'
Kate Harding

In an extract from her book, author Kate Harding explains how women order their lives around the fear of rape – and of being blamed for not preventing it.


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The author, Kate Harding, spent years researching and defining “rape culture”. Photograph: Patty Michels



One summer night, while I was working on my book, my friend Molly walked her greyhound over to my house for a writing date. Earlier that day, my husband had driven to Indianapolis on business, so Molly and I sat in my living room with our dogs and our laptops, drinking tea and clacking away for hours. It was lovely.

Around 11pm, Molly asked me for a lift home, per our usual routine when she visits my apartment, about a mile away from hers. But when I went to grab the car keys, they were missing. I checked all of my pockets and a couple of purses, to no avail.
. . . .





This is why I have no patience for anyone who insists that women must learn self-defense moves and memorize lists of specious advice to prevent our own victimization. We’re already calculating risks and taking reasonable precautions every day. We don’t often talk about that in public, though, lest we be accused of letting fear control our lives, of being completely irrational about the relatively minor statistical risk of being attacked by a stranger.

It’s a maddening catch-22. If we get assaulted while walking alone in the dark, we’re told we should have used our heads and anticipated the danger. But if we’re honest about the amount of mental real estate we devote to anticipating danger, then we’re told we’re acting like crazy man-haters, jumping at shadows and tarring an entire gender with the brush that rightly belongs to a relatively small number of criminals.
. . .

http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2015/sep/17/kate-harding-asking-for-it-extract-rape-culture

[tblue37]

1. K&R for visibility. nt

[niyad]

2. thank you.

[shenmue]

3. Yeah

For some reason, people expect you to be perfect in order to complain about anything.

That's not right.

[uppityperson]

4. When I was 40, I was walking 2 blocks to my boyfriend's when a voice came out of the dark.

I was walking past the corner where there was no house, just tall grassy field and the voice came. "hey honey, where are you going?" I stopped, turned and was SO angry, let them have it. "HOW DAMNED DARE YOU DO THIS YOU NASTY PERSON? I'm walking down my street that I've lived on for YEARS and you TRY and SCARE ME????? SHAME ON YOU!!!" Then turned and walked on, all the time listening carefully to see if he was going to approach me, ready to run or turn and fight .

It. Really. Pissed. Me. Off.

Small town. Voice in the dark meant to scare me. Fuck.

[Solly Mack]

5. Yep

If we get assaulted while walking alone in the dark, we’re told we should have used our heads and anticipated the danger. But if we’re honest about the amount of mental real estate we devote to anticipating danger, then we’re told we’re acting like crazy man-haters, jumping at shadows and tarring an entire gender with the brush that rightly belongs to a relatively small number of criminals.

I don't think every man is a rapist, but when I walk out my door I know the facts say if I'm raped, it will be by someone I've seen before or someone who sees me even if I don't always notice them. Someone I know, even if I don't know them well. So that means when I walk out the door, every man I pass or who passes me is already on the short list. Every man I come in contact with throughout the day.

Could be the trash collector, the mailman, my neighbor, the school crossing guard, the coffee shop guy, the gas station attendant, a co-worker, someone I nod to each day because we see each other in passing. The list goes on and on.

Let me say again - I don't think all men are rapists. I don't go about my day treating men as if they are a rapist. I live my life relatively fear-free. But I do have to be aware that the pool of potential rapists is the pool I swim in each and every day.

And that's a sad fact.



Another quote from the article.

"This ubiquitous idea that, by controlling our behavior, appearance and whereabouts, we can keep ourselves from being raped does nothing to help women (let alone potential victims who aren’t women). It merely takes the onus off the rest of society to seriously consider what we can all do to prevent sexual violence. It keeps our focus on what the victims did “wrong” instead of on what type of person rapes, or how he chooses his victims, or how we can prosecute sexual assaults more effectively. It trades on reductive, sexist ideas about how “good” and “bad” women behave and strongly suggests that some victims, frankly, had it coming."

[smirkymonkey]

8. +1000

sad, but true.

[passiveporcupine]

14. It's almost as if in the 1800's

when women wore their hair up in buns and wore long dresses with petticoats and bloomers and long sleeves and high frilled collars around the neck that they were never raped.

[Scuba]

6. K&R

[Brickbat]

7. This right here.

If we get assaulted while walking alone in the dark, we’re told we should have used our heads and anticipated the danger. But if we’re honest about the amount of mental real estate we devote to anticipating danger, then we’re told we’re acting like crazy man-haters, jumping at shadows and tarring an entire gender with the brush that rightly belongs to a relatively small number of criminals.

[alarimer]

9. Reasonable precautions only get you so far.

Sexual assault and rape are the only crimes where the victim is routinely put on trial. Her (usually) behavior is question, her entire background is combed over (because you know, only the virginal are every crime victims.

It makes sense to advise taking common sense precautions (some places are more dangerous than others and we should ALL be aware of our surroundings at all times- this also means things like take your headphones off when you are on the fucking street). But not taking reasonable precautions does not you are to blame when something happens to you. Just as a driver who hits a pedestrian in a crosswalk is at fault, whether or not the pedestrian was listening to headphones or not.

The assailant is ALWAYS to blame, no matter what the victim was wearing or doing at the time. And it is long past time we start pushing this message (I know people have been trying to do this for some time, but it hasn't worked).

Women are just as entitled as men to walk freely without fear anywhere they go.

What is the quote?

Men fear women will laugh at them; women fear men will kill them.

[Snow Leopard]

10. Whole bunches of

Nonsense and fear mongering in there.

[Rex]

11. We live in a nation that likes to shame/blame the victim.

It drives me crazy.

[alarimer]

12. I'd also avoid reading the comments on this article

Where do these Neaderthals come from?

[prayin4rain]

13. Very true n/t