Said on the Tee Vee

[Scuba]

Fallon

Members of the British Parliament are going to meet later this month to debate whether or not to ban Donald Trump from entering the UK. One member of Parliament said, "Look, we have enough guys with ridiculous-looking things on their heads making sure nobody gets over a fence.”

At a rally in New Hampshire, Bernie Sanders mocked Donald Trump for thinking that climate change is a hoax created by the Chinese. At this point, most people are starting to feel like Trump is a hoax created by the Chinese.

Conan

Donald Trump's wife, Melania, said she was initially attracted to Donald because of his energy. By the way, "energy" is the Slovenian word for "money."

The government of Iraq has offered to mediate between Saudi Arabia and Iran. You know the Middle East is in trouble when your greatest hope for peace is "meeting up in Iraq."