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(100,060 posts) Mon Feb 22, 2016, 12:57 PM Feb 2016

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #16: The Dumb And The Restless Edition

Last edited Thu Feb 25, 2016, 11:54 AM - Edit history (1)

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #16: The Dumb And The Restless Edition

Welcome back to the Top 10 Conservative Idiots! This might be our biggest edition ever! This thing was pushing over 19 and a half pages in Word with formatting. So if it takes you a while to read it, I'll wait.

Because there was a lot of conservative idiocy in the wake of Scalia's death. Too much. We’re not going to use the Top 10 to speak ill of the dead in any way, shape or form. But we will remember Scalia not as he died but as he lived – and that was he was a major conservative idiot. And while that we won’t make fun of him this week, we can certainly make fun of his conspiracy theorists and SCOTUS obstructionists, can’t we? I mean what kind of society do we live in where that isn’t allowed to happen? To start with, how great is it to finally have John Oliver back and how hilarious was his first show? He completely owned the prime minister of New Zealand at the end, and it was a thing of beauty:

So where does one begin when a prominent conservative emperor like Scalia dies suddenly? Well to start with the one person who’s easily going to take the top spot this week is Alex Jones (1). Because if you saw Infowars last week – Scalia didn’t die as a result of a heart attack from extremely poor health. No – he was MURDERED!!! *cue horror music* At number two is GOP conspiracy theorists, because the theory that Scalia was murdered didn’t just stop with Alex Jones. In the number 3 seed is Kentucky senate majority leader Mitch McConnell, who apparently needs a lesson in how the Constitution works when referring to how Scalia’s replacement is going to be picked. Taking the 4th spot is a Ted Cruz (4) mega entry because there was a lot of news regarding the front runner this week, and it’s all batshit crazy. And speaking of religious batshit insanity, Glenn Beck (5) is taking the 5th seed because the rapture is apparently a thing, and he’s got just the candidate! At number 6 – Ohio governor John Kasich believes that bringing back the Crusades is a good idea, naturally. In the number 7 seed is the Bundy Bunch (7) who left, among other things, a trench of poop at the Malheur sanctuary. At number 8, Jeb! (8) manages to perfectly capture the essence of the American public in one Tweet. Der Trumpenfuror falls to the number 9 spot and while nothing was as awesome or epic as Funny Or Die’s movie, in an election year, old news is new news for Der Trumpenfuror. And finally tonight – while we won’t use the Top 10 to talk tabloid trash, we are going to talk about Kanye West (10) – who is the Donald Trump of rap music. He’s beyond broke, and we’re going to tell you who he is soliciting an insane donation from! Enjoy! And as always don’t forget the key!

[font size="8"]Alex Jones[/font]

There aren't enough batshit crazy icons for this, this is so far off the deep end here, folks. So… last week this happened:

Justice Antonin Scalia, whose transformative legal theories, vivid writing and outsize personality made him a leader of a conservative intellectual renaissance in his three decades on the Supreme Court, was found dead on Saturday at a resort in West Texas. He was 79.
“He was an extraordinary individual and jurist, admired and treasured by his colleagues,” Chief Justice John G. Roberts Jr. said in a statement confirming Justice Scalia’s death. “His passing is a great loss to the Court and the country he so loyally served.”
The cause of death was not immediately released. A spokeswoman for the United States Marshals Service, which sent personnel to the scene, said there was nothing to indicate the death was the result of anything other than natural causes.
http://www.nytimes.com/2016/02/14/us/antonin-scalia-death.html

Regardless of what you think of Justice Scalia, his death is sad no matter which way you look at it. And we can certainly wait a week to mull about who’s going to decide what case, can’t we? I mean shit, the cause of death wasn’t even released until the next day! And this is what happened:

Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia's cause of death is a heart attack, according to WFAA.

Scalia died Saturday at the Cibolo Creek Ranch in Marfa, TX. His body was found after he failed to show up for breakfast.
The body of Scalia arrived in El Paso, TX around 2 a.m. Sunday.

http://www.wsmv.com/story/31218683/scalia-died-of-heart-attack-reports-say#ixzz40AnoebY5

Which is true – Scalia’s killer was heart disease. It wasn’t a conspiracy plot by the Obama administration to kill a sitting justice during his last year in office before the court sits down for the first hearings of the year, is it? Not if you saw Infowars over the weekend! No sir/madam! This is about as batshit crazy as it gets, folks!

“You just get used to this, ‘Scalia found, it’s natural, nothing going on here, he just died naturally,’” Jones said. “And you’re like, ‘Whoa. Red flag.’ Then you realize, Obama is one vote away from being able to ban guns, open the borders and actually have the court engage in its agenda and now Scalia dies. I mean, this is hard core.”

“I wonder if Clarence Thomas will die of a heart attack next week,” he continued, adding: “If this is an assassination, it signifies that they’re dropping the hammer, that’s the canary in the coal mine.”

He once again posited that his fan Donald Trump may be next: “Are they going to kill Clarence Thomas? Maybe they’ll kill Ron Paul. Maybe they’ll kill Donald Trump next. They all had heart attacks. How many more of these are we going to sit here and put up with? Or maybe their airplane blows up.”

“My gut tells me they killed him and all the intellectual evidence lays it out,” he said, insisting that his gut feeling “is already right.”

Jones then said a civil war is coming if the Senate confirms Obama’s choice to replace Scalia. “The Republicans better block this nomination,” he said, “because if they get one more Supreme Court person in there, they’re going to trump every piece of Bill of Rights and Constitution and they’re going to get that physical civil war they want.”

- See more at: http://www.rightwingwatch.org/content/alex-jones-obama-murdered-justice-scalia-and-donald-trump-next#sthash.epgMLkwB.dpuf

He… he put a little too much thought into that didn’t he?

And who… wants a civil war? Nobody! Even countries who are currently engaged in civil wars right fucking now wish they weren’t in them and are actively trying to stop them. Alex Jones is a fucking mad man who is beating the drums for a war that is never going to happen. He must secretly wish that he was General Lee and that he would have been the leader in the last civil war. But in reality he has about as much credibility of starting a war as Cartman does.

And by the way – Alex didn’t just reiterate his stance on Justice Scalia, no he doubled down on the theory that he was murdered:

The Infowars broadcaster claimed that he had a “sixth sense” that “something big” was about to happen hours before the media reported on Scalia’s death. He added that he had “sweat running down me” because he knew following Scalia’s death that “all hell is about to break loose.”

Texas Gov. Greg Abbott and other conservative leaders, he warned, may also soon wind up dead: “Maybe they’ll find the governor with a pillow over his face, maybe that’s the new thing. All of these conservatives that are fighting back that are real conservatives, they are all being found with pillows over their faces.”

“Man, the psy-op is deep on this one,” Jones said, comparing Scalia’s death to his belief that 9/11 was an inside job.

While Jones lamented that “Scalia walked into the perfect bear trap,” the InfoWars news crew also claimed that Obama wanted to “take out” Scalia in order to push through gun control and introduce socialism to the country.

“This is it. This is the final assault,” Jones said. “This is the beginning of the final war.”

- See more at: http://www.rightwingwatch.org/content/alex-jones-obama-killed-scalia-and-all-hell-about-break-loose#sthash.vRTbOTAu.dpuf

The final assault – I don’t think I’ve heard that Europe song!

I have figured it out – watching an episode of Infowars is like playing a game of “Six Degrees Of Kevin Bacon”. Except there’s just one degree and Kevin Bacon is coming to take your guns away! My this burrito I’m eating is delicious! Alex: “Burritos are a plot by the government to keep us fat and ignorant so they can take your guns away!”. Hey Suzie, that’s a nice dress that you’re wearing! Alex: “Suzie is a government informant from the Obama administration who’s coming to take your guns away!”. Hey I love this set for the TTCI! Alex: “If you’re in that set, you’re part of a plot designed to take your guns away!” Hey Alex!!! Nobody is coming to take your guns away! They might be coming to take *YOU* away for a nice little chat.

[font size="8"]GOP Conspiracy Theorists [/font]

The batshit crazy didn’t just stop at Alex Jones. Oh no! It’s mutated and spread throughout the entire GOP (I’ll just sit here and watch while you contemplate that image

). If you saw the Twittersphere over the weekend, it blew up with everything from “it was a liberal plot” to “which justice are they going to kill next”? Yes, I actually saw that one, and no, they’re not knocking off justices one by one.

Earlier today, Donald Trump chatted with far-right radio host Michael Savage, who has been voicing doubts that Justice Antonin Scalia died of natural causes, suggesting that foul play was involved in the conservative jurist's death.

Savage, after wondering if Scalia was "murdered," asked Trump if he would support a Warren Commission-style investigation into the justice's death.

Trump responded that while he doesn't have enough information to comment on whether Scalia was murdered, he found it "pretty unusual" that the justice was discovered with "a pillow on his face."

- See more at: http://www.rightwingwatch.org/content/donald-trump-raises-suspicions-about-justice-scalias-death#sthash.ht5tEzam.dpuf

Yup! Even the Kanye West of politics, Der Trumpenfuror, is weighing in on the issue! And no it’s not an issue – Scalia’s killer was cheeseburgers and donuts. Just because he was in a hotel room by himself when he passed away in his sleep doesn’t mean that it was some kind of bizarre murder conspiracy!

It didn’t take long after news broke that Justice Antonin Scalia had died at a Texas hunting lodge before conspiracy theorists came to the “logical” conclusion that the 79-year-old jurist with health problems had been murdered.
From the first moon landing to the the 9/11 attack on the Twin Towers to the slaughter that took the lives of 26 innocents at Sandy Hook — there is no shortage of skeptics in the U.S. who see nefarious actors behind every event big or small.
Even before My San Antonio reported that lodge owner John Poindexter said, “We discovered the judge in bed, a pillow over his head. His bed clothes were unwrinkled,” people began speculating online that Scalia had been murdered.
Leading the list of reasons was a backlog of cases involving abortion, affirmative actions, unions and the 2nd Amendment before the Supreme Court that could stall out with the loss of the court’s most conservative justice.
<snip>
Conservative trendsetter Matt Drudge also jumped on the “Scalia murdered” bandwagon with a screaming red headline reading: “Scalia found dead with ‘pillow over head’.”
https://www.rawstory.com/2016/02/conspiracy-kooks-shift-into-overdrive-after-learning-antonin-scalia-was-found-dead-with-a-pillow-over-head/

Seriously… it wasn’t even five fucking minutes after the news broke! Can’t people just breathe and wait until the news starts coming out about how he actually died before they begin the rampant, insane speculation?? Even the family wants the conspiracy theorists to shut up and is saying that there will be no investigations or autopsy performed:

Authorities in Texas said no autopsy was needed for U.S. Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia, revealing he had a multitude of health problems.
Presidio County Judge Cinderela Guevara declared — by phone — that Scalia’s death a product of natural causes. She later said Scalia was weakened from a heart condition and had high blood pressure, according to The Associated Press.
Guevara said his doctor told her he was considered too weak to undergo surgery for a recent shoulder injury.
http://www.nydailynews.com/news/national/antonin-scalia-family-waives-autopsy-questions-linger-article-1.2531910

But nope – that didn’t stop WND from reinstigating the murder claim:

WASHINGTON – The seemingly quick conclusion that Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia died of “natural causes” is prompting calls for an autopsy and toxicological reports.
William Gheen, president of the Americans for Legal Immigration political action committee, noted the media’s “rush” to proclaim Scalia’s death in a rented room in a resort in Texas as either “natural causes” or heart attack within hours of the discovery of his body Saturday morning.
“Anytime a head of state, member of Congress, or the most conservative member of the U.S. Supreme Court is found dead, an extensive autopsy and toxicology examination should be both immediate and mandatory,” said Gheen. “The horrid reaction and comments about his death expressed by many liberals online illustrate that Scalia was hated by many people.”

Read more at http://www.wnd.com/2016/02/urgent-calls-begin-for-scalia-autopsy/#PIdqW9tdb5A5vooX.99

And then batshit crazy end times pastor Rick Wiles said that Obama murdered Scalia as a “pagan sacrifice”. What era do these idiots live in???

Yesterday on “Trunews,” End Times radio host Rick Wiles discussed “the possible occult connections” to the death of Justice Antonin Scalia, whom he concluded was murdered by President Obama and was a human sacrifice to mark the pagan festival of Lupercalia.
Wiles explained that the “Luciferian” “devil-worshipers” who control the government are out for blood, noting that Lupercalia is observed between February 13 and 15. Scalia’s body was discovered on the 13th. “There’s always human sacrifice involved,” he said, claiming that Scalia was “killed” to mark the beginning of pagan fascism ruling over the U.S.
- See more at: http://www.rightwingwatch.org/content/rick-wiles-obama-killed-scalia-pagan-human-sacrifice#sthash.9IAXFWzu.dpuf

You really can’t make this stuff up, folks, and sometimes real life is better than fiction.

[font size="8"]Mitch McConnell[/font]

Republicans are in desperate need of some constitutional reeducation in light of Antonin Scalia’s death. In one camp you have strict constitutionalists like John Ritzheimer who claim that they swore an oath to uphold the US Constitution. But what oath they weren’t exactly clear on. Well apparently Mitch McConnell (R-Loser) didn’t either get the memo (insert your best Bill Lumbergh impression here), or he simply didn’t read the U.S. Constitution. Oh yeah and he’s the fucking SENATE MAJORITY LEADER!!!

The authors of the US Constitution did not outline a two-party system. Nor did they imagine that a plan for reasonable checks and balances would become a tool to empower petty obstructionists.

What the framers established was a system of separated powers with three branches of government: executive, legislative, and judicial. In the event of a vacancy on the nation’s highest court, the founding document explained that the president “shall nominate, and by and with the Advice and Consent of the Senate, shall appoint…Judges of the supreme Court.”
The Constitution does not say that presidents may nominate justices. It says they shall do so.
The Constitution does not say that presidents are limited in this duty by the timing when a vacancy occurs. There is no footnote that says presidents shall only perform their duties in their first terms. Nor is there a footnote that says members of the Senate shall only provide appropriate advice and consent when a president is in his or her first term. And there is certainly no language that suggests that a president’s nominee to the Court must parallel the ideology of the justice he or she would replace.
http://www.thenation.com/article/yes-president-obama-can-still-nominate-a-supreme-court-justice/

But oh no! No sir/madam! Mitch McConnell apparently needs a reminder in how the U.S. Constitution works, and how the president appoints justices to SCOTUS:

Hillary Clinton called Senator Mitch McConnell’s statement that the next president, not President Obama, should appoint a successor to Justice Scalia “disappointing” and “totally out of step with our history and our constitutional principle.”

Speaking at a Democratic fund-raising dinner in Denver, Mrs. Clinton denounced Republican presidential candidates and the Senate majority leader’s pledge to not allow Mr. Obama to replace Mr. Scalia, who passed away at a West Texas ranch on Saturday. “For any of us who needed a reminder of just how important it is to take back the U.S. Senate and hold onto the White House, just look at the Supreme Court,” Mrs. Clinton said.

“I know that our thoughts and prayers are with the Scalia family tonight and I am also thinking and praying for the future of our country,” she said. “It is outrageous that Republicans in the Senate and on the campaign trail have already pledged to block any replacement that President Obama nominates”

“Barack Obama is the president of the United States until Jan. 20, 2017,” she continued. “That is a fact, my friends, whether Republicans like it or not.”

Read more: http://www.nytimes.com/politics/first-draft/2016/02/13/hillary-clinton-calls-mitch-mcconnells-stance-on-supreme-court-nomination-disappointing/

Yes that’s what the Constitution states. These are our leaders. Somehow people like Mitch McConnell get elected. This makes me very fearful of a world where Der Trumpenfuror is president. Excuse me a minute…

[font size="8"]Ted Cruz[/font]

That’s me in the corner / that’s me in the spotlight / losing my religion / trying to keep a view / and I don’t know if I can do it / oh no I’ve said too much…

Got carried away there for a minute. So republicans are so paranoid at the fact that they might lose religious freedom (they wont), gun rights (they wont), and of course SCOTUS (they might actually lose that one!). But Ted Cruz definitely isn’t helping ease the paranoia that the religious nutjobs go through on a religious basis. I wonder what it’s like to have this kind of mindset? Because these people are crazy.

By the way, the Senate's duty is to advise and consent. You know what? The Senate is advising right now. We're advising that a lame-duck president in an election year is not going to be able to tip the balance of the Supreme Court.

That we're going to have an election, and if liberals are so confident that the American people want unlimited abortion on demand, want religious liberty torn down, want the Second Amendment taken away, want veterans' memorials torn down, want the crosses and stars of David sandblasted off of the tombstones of our fallen veterans, then go and make the case to the people.

I don't think the American people want that. I'm very happy to take that case directly to Hillary Clinton, directly to Bernie Sanders. And I would note, look, how do we know Donald Trump's record on this is going to be bad? He has supported liberals for four decades: Jimmy Carter, John Kerry, Hillary Clinton, Chuck Schumer, Harry Reid.

Anyone who cares about judges would not be supporting Harry Reid and Chuck Schumer and John Kerry and Hillary Clinton. And the consequence is, if either Hillary or Bernie or Donald Trump is the president, we will see the Second Amendment written out of the constitution. This is a basic question, who will defend our liberties?

http://www.nbcnews.com/meet-the-press/meet-press-february-14-2016-n518621

Yes. Having a Jewish president (read: Bernie Sanders) will literally mean that all traces of Christian religion will be wiped from our existence, and that the graves of our fallen soldiers will be literally pissed on. Excuse me a minute…

Meanwhile Ted Cruz’s wife Heidi is doubling down on the fact that her husband is the most godly candidate that has ever been running for office:

We are at a cultural crossroads in our country, and if we can be in this race to show this country the face of the God that we serve — this Christian God that we serve is the foundation of our country, our country was built on Judeo-Christian values, we are a nation of freedom of religion, but the God of Christianity is the God of freedom, of individual liberty, of choice and of consequence.

http://americablog.com/2016/02/heidi-cruz-south-carolina-theocrat.html

*Jon Lovitz impression* Yes!! That’s the ticket! A theocracy!

Ted Cruz does have at least one ally - who he would appoint as U.N. Ambassador if elected president:

Washington (CNN)Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz made an unusual suggestion for U.N. ambassador at a rally on Friday: "Duck Dynasty" star Phil Robertson.

"How much would you pay to see the Russian ambassador's face when Phil says, 'What is wrong with you people?'" Cruz joked to an applauding crowd in Myrtle Beach, South Carolina.

Robertson officially endorsed Cruz last month in a video put out by the Cruz campaign that shows the duo duck hunting.

Although most famous for his role on the A&E reality series, Robertson made waves in the past after he called same-sex marriage "evil" and "wicked," and said that Cruz would be the country's best bet for restoring the country to its Christian roots at a rally in Iowa last month.

http://www.cnn.com/2016/02/19/politics/ted-cruz-phil-robertson-un-ambassador/index.html

Really??? You would make Duck fucking Dynasty the UN Ambassador???? This guy??

Yeah he’s not the guy we should even be talking to if the US wants to restore its’ image.

But let’s talk about how much Ted Cruz is losing even though he won Iowa and New Hampshire. However, It seems the establishment can’t seem to stop calling Ted a liar. First of course, there’s Der Trumpenfuror who seems to be taking things just a bit too far when calling Cruz a liar:

A group of Donald Trump supporters have filed a lawsuit asking a judge to rule that fellow GOP candidate Ted Cruz is ineligible for the office of president.

The suit, filed in Alabama, seeks to declare that Cruz “is ineligible to qualify/run/seek and be elected to the Office of the President of the United States of America,” according to papers obtained by Washington blog The Hill.

The pack of Trump devotees seeks the ruling on the grounds that Cruz was born in Calgary, Canada, albeit to an American mother.

Read more: https://www.yahoo.com/tv/donald-trump-supporters-file-lawsuit-declare-ted-cruz-214854593.html

Yup! It now appears that Cruz is lying about his citizenship, and supporters of Der Trumpenfuror have called him out on it! The GOP establishment is eating itself!

And here’s Marco Rubio accusing Cruz of lying:

Marco Rubio says Ted Cruz is a liar -- accusing the Texas senator of false attacks over same-sex marriage, Planned Parenthood, immigration, campaign tactics and more.

"There's no other way to describe that -- it's a lie. When you say something that's not true, it's called a lie. That's the definition of it," Rubio said Sunday in an interview with CNN's Dana Bash on "State of the Union."

His verbal assault came the morning after the two had one of the most memorable exchanges of Saturday night's debate hosted by CBS, when Cruz attacked comments Rubio had made on Univision in Spanish about immigration.

Rubio shot back that Cruz doesn't even speak Spanish -- and Cruz responded in Spanish, challenging Rubio to continue their exchange in the language.

Read more: http://www.cnn.com/2016/02/14/politics/marco-rubio-ted-cruz-lies/index.html

So really how much does Ted Cruz lie? Does he tell the truth even when he is lying? Like Scarface?

[font size="8"]Glenn Beck[/font]

So… the rapture is apparently a thing that is happening, and it’s happening soon according to batshit crazy religious lunatics who worship the rapture, like Michelle Bachmann and Glenn Beck, who if you recall previous Idiots editions, was preparing for the Rapture, by reading his kids the delightful bed time story of death, destruction, and rule by Satan known as Left Behind that spawned the hideously bad Nicholas Cage movie of the same name. But… Glenn Beck is back this week, and he thinks that Ted Cruz is just the perfect guy to get you through the horrible time known as the rapture:

Beck, who has been campaigning for Cruz in South Carolina, called on Christians during a rally at Rick Joyner‘s MorningStar Fellowship Church to “fall to your knees and pray to God to reveal to you what the hour is.”

The former Fox News host also spent a good half hour weeping and shouting at the crowd, while claiming that he accurately predicted the 9/11 attacks, the 2008 economic crisis and the supposed rise of the caliphate.

“I’m here as a fellow citizen,” Beck said. “And I’m begging you, please do not dismiss the peril we are in. Fall to your knees and pray to God to reveal to you what the hour is.”

http://deadstate.org/glenn-beck-weeps-and-tells-crowd-that-the-ted-cruz-will-get-them-through-the-rapture/

Are rapture lovers speaking in code? Do they actually know like down to the exact minute when it’s actually going to happen? Because I haven’t seen any signs that the Rapture is going to happen any time soon. I picture them sitting next to their alarm clocks going “This is it!!! It’s this fucking minute!!”. Oh wait no. Maybe it’s this one. Or this one. Or this one. And there’s more:

Ask our dear Lord to show you who the man is that has the integrity, who has the connection, who will fall to his knees at the Resolute Desk, who, before he acts, doesn’t think of a poll but looks to the Constitution and the holy scriptures; our Bible and the Constitution both come from God, they are both sacred scriptures!”

“I know there is a God. I testify to you that I see a storm coming,” he continued, saying that God has a plan to save this nation but it requires Christians to do everything they can to elect Cruz.”

What the fuck is the Resolute Desk? That sounds like some sort of weird call in show that’s hosted by Larry King. Kansas City, hello, you’re on the Resolute Desk!!

[font size="8"]John Kasich[/font]

While Glenn Beck is actively fantasizing about “Left Behind” becoming a real thing, John Kasich (R – Batshit) wants to bring back the Crusades. Because you know those things always have a positive turnout, don’t they? In fact, I think the religion that they want to convert to Christianity still hold a grudge over the last time this was attempted and that was over 1200 years ago! Well… this is yet another one of those cases where history is lost on the republicans, or they simply just don’t give a shit and are pandering to their audience.

http://www.politicususa.com/2016/02/16/john-kasich-proposes-federal-agency-push-christianity-middle-east.html
Ohio Governor John Kasich placed 2nd in the New Hampshire Republican primary and bills himself as some kind of moderate, small government Republican, but a proposal he made proves he is just another typical Republican extremist and a hypocrite. Kasich’s plan to create a new federal government agency informs, besides his hypocrisy and extremism, that he subscribes to the typical Republican mindset that has only created death, destruction and Islamic extremists across the world. In fact, that Republican mindset is the primary reason Middle East Muslims really “hate us;” it is not now or never has been because of our freedoms.

As much as Kasich loves to tout his “small government” bona fides, it is hypocrisy that he proposed a bright idea to use Americans’ tax dollars to create a new federal agency, but not to help Americans. Kasich’s plan is to help the evangelical movement “export and ‘push’ America’s Judeo-Christian belief system across the world.” Seriously, federal departments to proselytize and push Muslims into the Judeo-Christian religion(s) so they can be “exceptional” just like Americans.

<snip>

It is apparent that like George W. Bush’s neo-conservative Christian administration, Kasich subscribes to the Republican delusion that the road to peace (read American dominance) in the world is predicated on forcing the religious rights’ particular brand of extremist Christianity down Islamic populations’ throats.

Honestly – John has about as much of a chance of reuniting Pink Floyd (see Idiots #14 ) as he does of making this happen. You know John, we have this thing called the First Amendment that states that, and I’m quoting directly “Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion”. I think that would prevent this sort of thing from happening. And there they go again with shoving things down people’s throats.

[font size="8"]The Bundy Bunch[/font]

This is the gift that keeps on giving, folks! First I want to give a shout out to Matt Taibbi of Rolling Stone who wrote a hit piece on the Bundy Bunch called "The Dumb & The Restless", which could not just describe the Bundy Bunch, but most of the GOP in general - especially those that want to ignore the Constitution in the wake of Scalia's death. But hopefully this is the last we’ll see of the Bundy Bunch for a while. But this week – it finally ended! Our long national nightmare is over! Sort of. LaVoy Finicum is six feet under, while Ammon, Ryan, Cliven, and John Ritzheimer are behind bars. So this didn’t end as badly as we all thought it would. But this week – it was revealed who the funders of the Bundy Bunch are. If you guessed that it was the Koch Brothers – you are correct!! Points!

http://grist.org/living/guess-whos-funding-the-bundys-crazy-land-grab-movement-the-koch-brothers/
But as reporters pack up and locals try to get back to normal, questions remain. Is this just be beginning of a larger rebellion against the federal government? And would such a rebellion have any powerful backers? To that last question, we may have an answer: the Koch brothers.

ThinkProgress reports:
The political network of the conservative billionaires Charles and David Koch signaled last week that it is expanding its financial and organizational support for a coalition of anti-government activists and militants who are working to seize and sell America’s national forests, monuments, and other public lands....

But hey! There are franchise opportunities available! Want in on some of that sweet, sweet Koch cash? Here’s what you have to do: Just find some abandoned remote federal lands near you, set up shop, forget crucial items like snacks and working toilets. Post a few videos online about how you swore an oath to the Constitution, and bring lots of guns and ammo. The feds will leave you alone while the media frenzy begins. Boom! That sweet, sweet Koch cash will start rolling in! The personal cost? Just your dignity and maybe a couple of years at Supermax.

Or you could make some quick cash by suing the government for a laughably batshit crazy sum of money:

PORTLAND, Ore. (KOIN) — Shawna Cox, one of the original occupiers at the Malheur National Wildlife Refuge who is now facing federal charges, has sued the US government for ... “damages from the works of the devil in excess of $666,666,666,666.66 Six hundred sixty six billion, six hundred sixty six million, six hundred sixty six thousand, six hundred sixty six dollars and sixty six cents” ...

... the lawsuit .. claims she “came to the assistance of economically vulnerable individuals who were being harassed, threatened,intimidated, persecuted and incarcerated by arrogant, narcissi (sic) Federal Government officials who have organized together to highjack and steal our Constitutional form of government from the people of the United States of America.”

http://wkbn.com/2016/02/17/malheur-occupier-shawna-cox-sues-us-for-666b-over-works-of-devil/

To put things in perspective, that is about how much the US government spent on the F35 program last year. Hey o!!!

And yes, you read that correctly – and I will spell it out in case you need to read it a second time in case your head hasn’t exploded from trying to contemplate that money: That’s Six hundred sixty six billion, six hundred sixty six million, six hundred sixty six thousand, six hundred sixty six dollars, and of course who could forget the sixty six cents? Can we get some Iron Maiden please?

Good luck with that, especially with a whopping 14 counts of federal felonies levied against the Bundy Bunch, and 10 alone for Cliven himself. Oh and speaking of non operational indoor plumbing, the FBI was doing clean up at the Malhuer site and this is what they found:

Feb 16 (Reuters) - The FBI said it has found a trench of human feces and a road excavated on or next to a sensitive cultural site with artifacts at the Oregon wildlife refuge where armed men staged a standoff with authorities, according to court records filed on Tuesday.

The filing came after the FBI on Friday said it was working with the Burns Paiute Tribe to identify damage to the tribe's artifacts and sacred burial grounds at the Malheur National Wildlife Refuge during the six-week occupation.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/oregon-militia-cultural-refuge-feces_us_56c3f2c9e4b0b40245c870c2

Trench of Feces by the way saw them at the Troub last week – not that great of a band. But the band they were opening for – Free The Lands, was pretty damn good!

And how did I miss this??? Here's Cliven Bundy writing a letter to - of all places - the Oregon government, and copying it to the fucking White House asking them to leave "Malhaur" alone:

You tell 'em, Mr. President!

[font size="8"]Jeb![/font]

First some breaking news!! Our long national nightmare is over – it's officially the end of the BFEE as we know it! And I feel fine!

Jeb Bush, unable to muster enthusiasm for his presidential bid beyond the family network that helped him raise a record $160 million, is suspending his campaign following a disappointing finish in South Carolina.
The decision follows a string of underwhelming primary finishes for the former Florida governor, including in New Hampshire where he invested heavily and bet on a massive ground organization but still finished behind Donald Trump, John Kasich and Ted Cruz.
http://www.politico.com/story/2016/02/breaking-news-jeb-bush-is-suspending-his-presidential-campaign-219564

Celebrate good times come on!! Now back to the entry I originally had planned: Yet another awesome cover from the New York Daily News to get us started:

Dolt. 45 – I love it!

So in one near perfect Tweet, not only did Jeb! break Twitter and have this picture backfire on him (pun absolutely intended), he also perfectly captures the essence of gun nuts and the American people:

Strike one! Yes, America – land of the free, and home of bullets with your name on them. Literally. So that happened.

The US Republican Presidential candidate Jeb Bush is pro-gun rights and behind in the polls, so when he purchased his first firearm, he had probably hoped to receive support on social media.
The former Florida governor's new handgun, inscribed with his name on the slide, has been re-tweeted more than 19,000 times and met with widespread mockery around the world.
Bush tweeted a picture of his gun alongside the word "America", seeking to burnish his pro-gun credentials and patriotism as his campaign moves into the conservative state of South Carolina.
But if the USA is defined by its relationship to firearms, Twitter provided the answer for how best to represent other countries across the world.
British comedian Joe Lycett put forward this entry for the UK.
http://www.bbc.com/news/election-us-2016-35594007

But here’s where the gun maker in question had ties to the Nazi party, which only furthers the speculation on how Prescott Bush made his billions:

The black semiautomatic pistol is made by FN America, which has a manufacturing plant in Columbia, the capital of the next early state in primary voting.
Gun rights have become a central tenet of the Republican campaign for president, with each candidate touting their record with the NRA and history of firearm ownership.
The handgun tweet posted by Bush came after a tour and town hall with employees at the FN plant. The tweet has exploded online and has the potential to boost his image among Southerners beyond South Carolina who value the 2nd Amendment and the right to bear arms.
But the manufacturer of the handgun shown in Bush's picture has a history of its own. While the company is known as FN America, it is actually a subsidiary of FN Herstal, a foreign corporation based in Belgium. And for decades, the company was known as Fabrique Nationale d’Armes de Guerre.
https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/the-fix/wp/2016/02/16/that-gun-jeb-bush-tweeted-today-its-maker-has-a-long-and-fascinating-history/

Strike two!!!! Oh and by the way, Jeb! forgot to renew the domain name registry on his website, and Der Trumpenfuror bought it, and exposed exactly what happens when you forget to renew your site’s registration:

GOP nominee Jeb Bush may not be the most technical guy in the world, but I guarantee you he has a team of internet gurus working hard for him every day.
Somehow, no one caught this ahead of time.
Good ole Jeb forgot to renew his website domain, and one billionaire was ready to capitalize on the moment. That’s right, GOP front-runner Donald Trump waited until the domain expired, and quickly snatched it up and redirected the page to his website.
In politics, everything is fair game. Props to the Don for pulling this savage move off.
If you dont believe me, click here —> www.JebBush.com
http://k945.com/jeb-bush-forgets-to-renew-website-donald-trump-buys-it/?trackback=tsmclip

Strike three!! You are out of here!

[font size="8"]Donald Trump [/font]

WARNING: NSFW CONTENT AHEAD

We’ve already covered Der Trumpenfuror extensively in this edition so far, but what could we possibly have in store for the #9 entry? Number 9, number 9, number 9, number 9, number 9, number 9… Well I am glad you asked because there’s this. In an election year, especially when someone as high profile already as Donald Trump is running and seems almost unstoppable in his quest to win the RNC nomination, old news sometimes becomes new news. This week – it was revealed that a 90’s interview with Howard Stern contained some stuff that was, well, a bit too much information:

Donald Trump has made several memorable appearances on The Howard Stern Show, where he is often at his most candid and crude.
As has been previously reported, it was on Stern’s program that Trump said Kim Kardashian had a “fat ass” and where he explained how he made potential partners take STI tests from his personal doctor.
But there’s more.
http://www.buzzfeed.com/andrewkaczynski/trump-isnt-into-anal-melania-never-poops-and-other-things-he#.xmjYWB1Xp

Wait???? There’s more??? What could possibly be left that hasn’t already been revealed?

In a separate 2004 appearance, Trump engaged in an especially peculiar conversation about his girlfriend Melania (now his wife), saying he had never witnessed her pass gas or defecate.
Trump, referencing an earlier conversation with Stern, said, “You said something a while ago about Beth (Stern’s girlfriend) that amazed me, because it applies to Melania. You said you’ve never seen here do anything like, bad, in terms of her own personal.”
“You said you’ve never heard her fart. Is that true? Is that amazing? In years, three and a half years,” Trump continued. Stern told Trump that his girlfriend had only pooped four times in three years.
“I’m gonna say, I can say the exact say thing about Melania,” Trump responded.
Stern then asked Trump if Melania ever “makes a doody.” Trump replied, “I’ve never see any, it’s amazing. Maybe they save that for after marriage.”
Asked about former wife Ivana’s bowel movements, Trump said, “It was a little more normal.”

And there’s even more. Maybe this is how we get rid of Der Trumpenfuror – just keep digging up his old Howard Stern interviews:

In a 1997 interview with shock jock Howard Stern, Trump talked about how he had been “lucky” not to have contracted diseases when he was sleeping around.
“I’ve been so lucky in terms of that whole world. It is a dangerous world out there. It’s scary, like Vietnam. Sort of like the Vietnam-era,” Trump said in a video that resurfaced Tuesday on Buzzfeed, “It is my personal Vietnam. I feel like a great and very brave soldier.”

http://www.thedailybeast.com/articles/2016/02/16/draft-dodger-trump-said-sleeping-around-was-my-personal-vietnam.html?via=twitter_page#pq=34Ch5s

Wow………………………………………. I am speechless. And people want this guy to be president? After reading this bullshit? Excuse me a minute, I need to go take a clean shower.

Ed. Note: By the way, don’t worry – next week we will go into full detail on Der Trumpenfuror’s feud with Pope Francis. Stay tuned!

[font size="8"]Kanye West Is Broke[/font]

Before I begin this entry, a disclaimer. 1 – I will never use the Top 10 to talk about celebrity tabloid trash. 2 – Unless it’s something ridiculously batshit crazy (like Martin Shkreli’s continuing feud with the Wu Tang Clan), and this story is exactly that. But this is one of those things where the universe is turning on itself. Cue the sad Hulk music:

Kanye West seems to be pissing off a lot of people lately. First, he had that absolutely disastrous appearance on Saturday Night Live. Next he’s in an on again off again feud with Album Of The Year winner Taylor Swift (we’ll save that for another entry). He has gone off the rails – he said he would not accept an appearance to perform at the Grammy awards this year unless he was guaranteed album of the year. No, you can’t guarantee it. But what you can guarantee is that Kanye West is beyond broke. I mean truly, truly beyond broke. So broke that he’s resorting to this:

Kanye West has taken to Twitter again after appealing to Silicon Valley billionaires to help bail him out after claiming to be $53m in debt.
He revealed on Twitter on Sunday that he is $53m in debt, writing: "Please pray we overcome. This is my true heart."
He followed up by appealing directly to one of the world's richest technology entrepreneurs - Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg.
"Mark Zuckerberg invest 1 billion dollars into Kanye West ideas," he wrote.
"Mark Zuckerberg I know it’s your birthday but can you please call me by tomorrow?
http://news.sky.com/story/1642288/kanye-west-appeals-to-mark-zuckerberg-over-debt

First off it wasn't Mark Zuckerberg's birthday. And second, excuse me while I go into a Lewis Black-esque angry rage rant for a minute. Think about it. A billion dollars. I will repeat that: A billion dollars. A billion fucking dollars. Kanye West wants a billion dollars!!!! What is he going to do? Launch his album into space??? And in case you were wondering, yes, a Go Fund Me page has been setup where you can help dig Kanye out of the $53 million hole that he’s in:

The rapper and fashion designer claims to be $53 million in debt, citing struggles to make his music and fund his clothing line as reasons for his money woes. Apparently, the $500 haircuts and a $3 million engagement ring had nothing to do with it.
Zuckerberg didn’t reach out to West in response to his plea – at least not publicly.
But West says that many others did, including “hedge fund guys billionaires etc.”
And a guy named Jeremy Piatt. Piatt is the Co-founder and Creative Director at Paul Bunyan Design in Minneapolis, Minnesota. Paul Bunyan Design offers branding, logo and web design services, serving a number of clients – though West isn’t one of them.
http://www.forbes.com/sites/kellyphillipserb/2016/02/16/gofundme-campaign-launched-to-help-raise-53-million-for-kanye-west/#2f224d807993

So here’s what it looks like and what it’s raised so far (a whopping $6844, or 0.000012%) as of this post) :

Hey! Starving artists need money too! Won’t you donate money today? For your donation you might actually get a copy of the “Life Of Pablo”. And that graph by the way is a good indication of exactly how much money $53 million really is. Not to mention while this is brilliant, they forgot exactly what the taxes on $53 million added to that would be. And I also love that people are using his Go Fund Me page to plug their businesses or charities.

And he might have a hard time raising that $53 million, if this report from the International Business Times is any indication:

Wait, Kanye West's album still hasn't been released to the public? You'd never know, based on a quick look at the Pirate Bay, Kickass Torrents and a range of other piracy websites, where “The Life of Pablo” is freely available and has been downloaded illegally hundreds of thousands of times.
West surprised the world Saturday night when he released his long delayed new album, “The Life of Pablo,” after performing two songs on “Saturday Night Live.” The album was for sale on his website for only a few hours, and the rapper has since said his new music will only be available on Tidal, the subscription streaming service backed by Jay Z, Rihanna, and yes Kaye. But Kanye somehow forgot that “The Life of Pablo” would inevitably leak to torrent websites, and spark an explosion of downloads among people who know how to steal music.
http://www.ibtimes.com/pirate-bay-ruining-kanye-wests-plan-fueling-thousands-free-life-pablo-torrent-2308851

[font size="8"]And Now This:[/font]
[font size="8"]Rush Limbaugh Name Drops Us[/font]

So in case you didn’t notice, this happened:

“The things that Trump said and did Saturday night came out of nowhere,” Mr. Limbaugh said. “They didn’t make any sense. Here we are in a Republican primary, and Donald Trump, out of the blue, starts blaming the Bush family for 9/11, for knowing that the intelligence was made up, that there never were any weapons of mass destruction, and they knew it, Trump said.”

...“Folks, there were a number of occasions where Donald Trump sounded like the Daily Kos blog, where Donald Trump sounded like the Democrat Underground, sounded like any average host on MSNBC,” Mr. Limbaugh said.
http://www.nytimes.com/politics/first-draft/2016/02/15/rush-limbaugh-sees-strategy-behind-donald-trumps-they-lied-claim/?module=BlogPost-Title&version=Blog%20Main&contentCollection=Politics&action=Click&pgtype=Blogs

BOOM! Drop the mic! Name checked by everyone’s favorite bloated gasbag that no one is listening to anymore and that’s Rush Limbaugh! Suck it, Free Republic! Donald Trump sounding like Daily Kos? Really? He sounds more like Infowars correspondents at a Stormfront rally. I can’t make fun of Infowars enough. Although is it me or does he look stupid by not calling it “DemocratIC Underground?”

See you next week!