‘I’m Trump All The Way,’ Says Man Who Will Die From Mishandling Fireworks Months Before Election

[Zorro]

YOUNGSTOWN, OH—According to statements made Monday by local resident David Kearney, a 36-year-old delivery driver who will die in a fireworks mishap months before the general election, he is “a Trump man all the way.”

“I like what Trump has to say—he isn’t afraid to take on anyone,” said the man who, long before November, will be pronounced dead on arrival at a nearby hospital after duct-taping several M-80s together in his backyard, lighting the self-rigged explosive device, and then, after accidentally knocking the mortar tube on its side while attempting to run away from the blast, will suffer severe trauma as his “Stone Cold” Steve Austin shirt and cargo shorts are set ablaze while his horrified family looks on.

“The politicians in Washington lie to our faces. Trump’s the only one who tells the truth. He’ll turn the country around.”

Kearney said he was convinced to vote for Trump by the candidate’s debate performances, events he was narrowly able to witness following a close call last summer when his ATV overturned at high speed after he lost control of the vehicle while firing a handgun at a stop sign.

http://www.theonion.com/article/im-trump-all-way-says-man-who-will-die-mishandling-52449

[saturnsring]

1. more onion clickbate

[Zorro]

3. Oh yeah. I forgot.

The Onion was thrown under the bus after they put this on their website:

Female Presidential Candidate Who Was United States Senator, Secretary Of State Told To Be More Inspiring

NEW YORK—Citing her lackluster support among young voters, campaign consultants to Hillary Clinton, the Democratic presidential frontrunner who has served as both a U.S. senator and secretary of state, reportedly instructed the candidate this week to be more inspiring.

“Right now, voters are looking for a candidate who stands for real societal change, someone who can stir something inside them,” said media advisor Jim Margolis, urging the woman—who overcame entrenched societal biases to build a successful legal career, became the first female senator elected in the state of New York, oversaw the Department of State during a period of widespread international tumult, and, if elected, would be the first female president in American history—to appear more uplifting to voters.

“Many young people have completely lost faith in the political process, and they want to believe that true progress is actually possible. They want someone who embodies progressive ideals.”

Margolis added that Clinton was too much a part of the establishment she spent decades breaking down barriers to enter.

http://www.theonion.com/article/female-presidential-candidate-who-was-united-state-52367

[malaise]

4. LOL

[saturnsring]

7. no, it refers to clicking on someone's post because of the headline only to find you've been punked

by the poster who is trying to lure people in by not warning them it's an onion joke

[Initech]

2. Drumpf is the candidate for the "hey! Y'all watch this" crowd.

[HughBeaumont]

5. Trump 3:16 Says "Thanks, Dumbshit!"

"HEY SHITTER, HOLD MAH BEERS . . . AM'AH JUMP THE BARN WITH MAH EFF 150 YEEEEEEEHAWFUCKYEHPEWPEWPEWTRUMP"

[Oneironaut]

6. "Hold mah beer and watch this!" BOOM!

On the bright side, the country would get a little smarter. It's a purification tablet to the gene pool.