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Tue May 24, 2016, 06:47 PM

My friend who won't quit her abusive husband

http://www.democraticunderground.com/10027646381
For context.

Tried to kill herself Saturday.pills. her now husband had beat her pretty severely last week. Black eye, serious bruising. I, like i have repeatedly, tried to get her to go to WEAVE, but she flaked about five sat night. Told me she was going somewhere, but instead went back to him. She emptied a bottle of pills, and her hubby finally called 911 Sunday morning.

The police have interviewed him but not arrested him, she was too out of it to be interviewed and probably would not press charges anyway. She will recover, but not for a few days.
Her parents tracked me down and told me the whole story a minute ago. He has her phone and apparently lost his temper at the hospital, so he is banned from there.

I am going to her job (bartender in a dive bar) to insure she keeps her job so at least she has that when she gets better. It has been suggested that she go to a mental health situation (not promised) for a month once she recovers her health. So I am going to have to explain that and I know her husband has already been to her job and told his story. I am going to at least try to salvage that so she has something.

This is killing me, I've tried to help her, but she just won't take that first step. I can only do so much, can't offer her alternatives really, and am at a complete nadir in my own life.

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Arrow 15 replies Author Time Post
Reply My friend who won't quit her abusive husband (Original post)
ghostsinthemachine May 2016 OP
Tal Vez May 2016 #1
ghostsinthemachine May 2016 #10
Tal Vez May 2016 #11
OldHippieChick May 2016 #2
elfin May 2016 #3
Warpy May 2016 #4
moonbabygo May 2016 #5
shadowrider May 2016 #6
CompanyFirstSergeant May 2016 #7
ghostsinthemachine May 2016 #9
A Little Weird May 2016 #8
ghostsinthemachine May 2016 #12
milestogo May 2016 #13
ghostsinthemachine May 2016 #14
postatomic May 2016 #15

Response to ghostsinthemachine (Original post)

Tue May 24, 2016, 06:51 PM

1. Her cooperation may not be essential to a successful prosecution.

Somehow, you know that she was beaten badly last week. Maybe you could let authorities know what you know and how you came to know it. Evidence is evidence and the victim isn't the only potential source of evidence.

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Response to Tal Vez (Reply #1)

Tue May 24, 2016, 07:33 PM

10. They won't even interview me

Just got off the phone with the cops and because I only have her word, they won't do anything. I would have had to witness him beating her.

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Response to ghostsinthemachine (Reply #10)

Tue May 24, 2016, 07:37 PM

11. Don't sell yourself short.

I suspect that your conversation has had an important effect. They may approach this whole problem with an entirely different attitude should they be contacted again during another crisis.

Good job. Obviously, we can only do what we can do.

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Response to ghostsinthemachine (Original post)

Tue May 24, 2016, 06:54 PM

2. You have got to enlist the aid of professionals

and by that I mean those trained in domestic violence. You can't do this. It is not your responsibility. You can't care more about her than she cares about herself. It will eat you alive. Trained DV professionals know how to deal w/ this. Call them NOW. You can be part of her support system, but she needs to make the first step and professionals can help her get there. She probably needs to go to a shelter, but may not be willing to go yet. Let those who know deal w/ this. Please call for help. This is beyond your pay grade.

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Response to ghostsinthemachine (Original post)

Tue May 24, 2016, 06:56 PM

3. Please take care of yourself first!

A stronger you can help her more then someone struggling with their own "nadir."

She is lucky to have you.

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Response to ghostsinthemachine (Original post)

Tue May 24, 2016, 06:56 PM

4. Women stay with these maniacs for a lot of reasons

but foremost among them is that he's 75% likelier to kill her if she leaves.

Your job is to let her know that no matter how he alienates all her friends and family, you're still there for her. Your job is to wait until she does leave, help her to a shelter and preferably far out of town.

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Response to ghostsinthemachine (Original post)

Tue May 24, 2016, 06:57 PM

5. She will at some point

 

just be ready for your friend and please be there. I know it is complicated, but promise you wont give up

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Response to ghostsinthemachine (Original post)

Tue May 24, 2016, 07:00 PM

6. One lessen I've learned in my years

No matter how much you care
No matter how much you prod
No matter how you search for assistance

There is simply no way to help people who refuse to help themselves.

Sad, but true.

I've walked away from friends, years ago, who were going through some tough personal times, but refused to take that first step toward healing. I did all I could do. I finally walked away. Ruining myself in the pursuit of helping someone who deep down didn't want the help wasn't worth it.

Don't let it kill you. Know you did all you could. There are more people out there who want and need the help who ARE willing to take that step. Help THEM.

My two cents. YMMV.

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Response to ghostsinthemachine (Original post)

Tue May 24, 2016, 07:02 PM

7. Be careful....

 

....do not get yourself hurt.

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Response to CompanyFirstSergeant (Reply #7)

Tue May 24, 2016, 07:31 PM

9. Thanks.

As soon as there is some distance am going to ruin him. Not violently but I know a lot about him and will see that he loses his job and his safety net, where he goes, hangs out etc.

But she has to be clear of him first. Long clear.

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Response to ghostsinthemachine (Original post)

Tue May 24, 2016, 07:04 PM

8. I'm sorry for your situation

It's heartbreaking to watch someone you love do something that is so obviously wrong and just going to cause them more pain.

Please remember to take care of yourself.

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Response to ghostsinthemachine (Original post)

Sun May 29, 2016, 10:49 PM

12. Bad bad week for me

I found out wo friends died a month ago, this week. Both ODd on pills, one a car wreck, the other drowned
My life long best friend is moving away,from the house he grew up in today. I'll never see him again. I'll miss him immensely.
Another friend is in rehab for alcoholism. His wife finally shared the story this week and my God, that is just horrible. He needs to drink to live. He flat lined at the hospital and then they had to find a in home for him which took a couple of days. I didn't know he was that bad, very successful, driven person, but he drank a quart of vodka everyday for ten years.

My friend is better, out of ICU and on a floor. They are talking of a 30 day live in rehab situation for her,but no firm plans set yet. Her hubby has ruined her job, has called her ex and threatened him and tried to cause as much turmoil in her life as he can.

Not a good week.

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Response to ghostsinthemachine (Reply #12)

Sun May 29, 2016, 10:53 PM

13. ...

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Response to ghostsinthemachine (Original post)

Mon May 30, 2016, 07:31 PM

14. Update

She has been placed at a rehab facility. Undergoing evaluation right now, but looks like at least thirty days. Very glad. It ain't gonna be easy, and not sure she will want to do the work or take the time to make herself better, but at least she has a shot at it.
In the meantime her Mom is destroyed and her Dad is back in the hospital for stroke related issues. Poor family. ,

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Response to ghostsinthemachine (Original post)

Mon May 30, 2016, 09:48 PM

15. A person I give money to - so she'll listen to me

Gave me an analogy once. Several years ago I went through a very very nasty event. I did everything short of killing the asshole at the center of this. I managed to have him kept in the Hospital a few days on an unrelated matter after I threatened the Hospital. They brought a psych doc in and he gave some bullshit diagnosis. After that I had him arrested and when he got home I then hit him with a mandatory psych evaluation that kept him off the street longer for another 72 hours. But, in the end, the victim went back to him.

The analogy: "they fell in a deep hole and you lowered a rope to help pull them out and they didn't grab the rope". I know this isn't providing much comfort in saying this but you need to never blame yourself. I blamed myself for years that there should have been something else I could do, but there was not.

Any man who would hit a woman (which my event was based upon as well) is pond scum and doesn't deserve any compassion. I don't know all the details but please be careful. Does this asshole husband of your friend own a gun? I hope not. I'm plucking things from both of your posts that have my red flags waving. Please be careful.

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