For Trump supporters: Sock Puppets Explain Paul Ryan's Medicare Plan and "Reconciliation"

[Miles Archer]

Paul Ryan: Hi, boys and girls and all of you patriots out there who voted for Donald Trump because you want to make America great again. I'm Paul Ryan, Speaker of the House, and I'm going to explain "reconciliation" to you today.



Paul Ryan: This is my best friend, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell. He'll be helping me.



Mitch McConnell: Hi boys and girls. How can you get any pudding if you haven't finished your meat?

Paul Ryan: We can talk about that later, Mitch. Now, as you know, Medicare is in serious danger of going broke very soon, maybe even by the end of this week. That means that all of you kids out there who will be grandpas and grandmas one day will get sick and then die horrible, painful deaths unless I step in to save you.

Mitch McConnell: You know, Paul, the Democrats are trying to say that Obama made changes to Medicare that extended its solvency by many, many, many years.

Paul Ryan: I'm glad you brought that up, Mitch. Boys and girls, I have another sock puppet I'd like you to meet. This is Chuck Schumer. He is a Democrat. Do you know what a Democrat is, boys and girls? Democrats are people who lie to you. Democrats are people who know that your Grammie and Grampy are very, very sick, but they don't want to help them. Senator McConnell and I are Republicans, and the only reason we come to work every day is to make sure that your Grammie and Grampy live long, healthy and happy lives.



Mitch McConnell: I can tell just by looking at Chuck Schumer that he is a very, very bad man.

Chuck Schumer: HEY! I resent that! I demand an apology!

Mitch McConnell: "A...poly...gee?" Why, it sounds like he's speaking in some strange, unknown, Socialist language.

Paul Ryan: Right you are, Senator! Now, with my "Premium Support" plan, Grammy and Grampy will get all the help they need.

Mitch McConnell: WOW, Speaker Ryan, can you tell me how that works?

Chuck Schumer: He's LYING to you, boys and girls!

Mitch McConnell: Hey, LOOK, Speaker Ryan! It's President-Elect Donald Trump!



Donald Trump: Speaker Ryan is right, boys and girls. Democrats are very, very bad people. Sad people. They don't tell the truth. Sad! Very, very sad. I want you to listen to Mr. Ryan and Mr. Mitchell and me, because we will never, never lie to you. We only want you to have the healthcare in your senior years that we feel you deserve.

Paul Ryan: Mr. President, can I say what an honor and a privilege it was to vote for you?

Mitch McConnell: But you didn't vote for him. You told me you voted for...

Donald Trump: Listen, Schumer, why don't you go fetch me a Big Mac? There's nothing for you to see here.

Chuck Schumer: Now wait just one minute! We Democrats see right through your lies and deception! We fully intend to...

Donald Trump: Hey Ryan...I heard that McDonalds is having a two-for-one Big Mac sale today. Want one?

Paul Ryan: Why, Mr. President, that is incredibly generous of you to offer me one of your Big Macs!

Donald Trump: No, no, no. Listen to me. I want you to buy one for yourself and give me the free one. Then I'll have three, and two of them will be free. How did you get to be Speaker of the House if you don't understand how America works?

Chuck Schumer: You paying attention to this, boys and girls?

Donald Trump: Hey Schumer, you still here? You should have been back already with my lunch.

Mitch McConnell: Speaker Ryan, I just LOVE your voucher system, but Democrats say that it will force seniors to buy their own coverage, and that they will now need to spend 60% of their Social Security income on health care.

Paul Ryan: Mitch, would you like a Big Mac?

Mitch McConnell: Oh, I just adore them.

Paul Ryan: So as I was saying, the Democrats want your grammie and grampy to die horrible, painful deaths. And the only way we can prevent that is by using "reconciliation."

Donald Trump: Hey, Ryan, I need to visit the little boys' room. I don't suppose you have a solid gold commode in there, do you?

Paul Ryan: Why no, Mr. President. It's porcelain.

Donald Trump: What the hell is "porcelain?"

Mitch McConnell: Hey, Schumer, while you're out getting those Big Macs, swing by Home Depot and pick up a can of gold Rust-o-Leum.

Chuck Schumer: NOW HOLD ON RIGHT THERE!

Paul Ryan: Now, boys and girls, when the Republicans have a wonderful piece of legislation that we just know will help you, and your mommies and daddies, and especially grammie and grampie, there is only one little problem.

Donald Trump: Democrats?

Paul Ryan: You guessed it, Mr. President! DEMOCRATS! The people who want your family to die horrible, painful, prolonged deaths.

Chuck Schumer: NOW YOU'VE GONE TOO FAR!

Donald Trump: Hey, Lyin' Chuck. Do they still have those hot apple pies at Mcdonald's? Boy, I love them. Pick up a couple of them for me, too.

Chuck Schumer: I AM NOT GOING TO PICK UP YOUR LUNCH! I'm not Chris Christie!

Donald Trump: Chris who?

Mitch McConnell: Can you see how much Democrats hate America, boys and girls?

Paul Ryan: So when the Democrats...who now have a minority in the House and Senate...

Donald Trump: Good one, Ryan.

Mitch McConnell: LOL

Donald Trump: What the hell is "LOL," McConnell?

Mitch McConnell: It's shorthand for "laughing out loud."

Donald Trump: That's a good one...

Mitch McConnell: You know what's even better? "LMAO"

Donald Trump: What's THAT?

Mitch McConnell: "Laughing My Ass Off"

Donald Trump: Oh, I am definitely using that on Twitter.

Paul Ryan: Keep making America great again, Mr. President. Now as I was saying, when we think the Democrats will disagree with us, we use "reconciliation." This means that we pass our legislation with a simple majority. We don't need the Democrats and when we get rid of Obamacare, we include Medicare as part of that, and POOF! It's gone.

Donald Trump: POOF!

Mitch McConnell: POOF!

Chuck Schumer: You're not going to get away with this!

Paul Ryan: No, we will get away with this, because most of the people who voted for President Trump aren't going to understand what I just said, and even if they do, we'll just get Steve Bannon on it.

Chuck Schumer: Who?



Donald Trump: STEVE! Glad you could join us!

Steve Bannon: Make America white again, Mr. President.

Chuck Schumer: WHAT WAS THAT?

Mitch McConnell: He said "Make America great again."

Chuck Schumer: NO HE DIDN'T!

Paul Ryan: That's all the time we have today, boys and girls. And remember, Democrats lie to you and want you to die horrible and painful deaths, and we Republicans love you to pieces.

Chuck Schumer: HEY!

Paul Ryan, Mitch McConnell and Steve Bannon: "Deutschland, Deutschland über alles,
Über alles in der Welt,
Wenn es stets zu Schutz und Trutze
Brüderlich zusammenhält.
Von der Maas bis an die Memel,
Von der Etsch bis an den Belt..."

THE END

[handmade34]

1. ...

[brucefan]

2. Perfect

[ProfessorGAC]

3. Superb, Miles!

That was very funny.

[shenmue]

4. ...

[11 Bravo]

5. Brilliant!

[stevenleser]

6. This is really great. I would only change one thing, the song at the end...

... the banned stanza of the German national anthem is good but I would have Ryan, McConnell and Bannon sing the first stanza of the Horst Wessel Lied.