A Little Trump-Speech Fun, Anyone?
I know most of us won’t be watching anyway. But feel free to add your predictions of what The Idiot will say.
Here are mine:
“I want to personally thank Kellyanne Conway for providing the alternative facts that I will be presenting this evening.”
“Welcome, everyone. I inherited a mess. I have now fixed everything. Goodnight.”
“A special shout-out to Betsy DeVos, who supplied the text of my speech to our teleprompter team. Itz a grate onore too B redding her vershun of mi alustryous wurds.”
“My lovely wife, Melania, couldn’t be here tonight. Since my departure from New York, she is too overcome with grief to travel.”
“Sean Spicer has now been replaced by Tommy Fla-NAY-gan, who is in the audience with his beautiful wife, Morgan Fairchild. Yeah, that’s the ticket!”
“Steve Bannon is also in the audience – and easy to spot. He’s the guy surrounded by people holding their noses to avoid the smell of BO.”
“Starting next week, I will be deporting every resident of the states that didn’t vote for me.”
“I have also changed the guidelines for awarding the Presidential Medal of Freedom. Recipients will now include retailers who agree to carry Ivanka’s clothing line, and any food critic who gives my hotels’ restaurants a glowing review.”
“Can I have a round of applause for my special guest, Vladimir Putin – who, by the way, I’ve never met, never spoken to, and wouldn’t even recognize if my life depended on it.”
“I’ve been told that Stephen Douglas is in the house tonight, seated between Harriet Tubman and Sojourner Truth. Keep up the good work, you guys!”
“In fact, there are a lot of minorities with us tonight, and that’s fantastic! I would just remind them to be aware of which water fountain they use in the lobby.”
“Please feel free to wave the flags that were handed out at the door. No, they are NOT Russian flags – they are clearly labelled ‘Made in China’ and have MY name on them – DUH!”
“Do we have any disabled people in the room? No? What a shame. I had a whole routine worked-up to welcome them – and if I do say so myself, it was hilarious!”
“Just a reminder that any unfavourable reviews of my speech tonight have already been pre-designated as FAKE NEWS!!!”
Please post your own "alternative speech soundbytes"!!!
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