Sitting Next to Ann Coulter on an Airline Flight

[MineralMan]

Just imagine. You get on the plane for your Delta flight to Wherever, USA and settle into your window seat, ready to watch the world pass under you. Then, out of the blue comes Ann Coulter, looking at her boarding pass. Oh, shit, she's going to sit down next to you in the middle seat. What are you going to do?

Oooo! She's gonna sit by YOU!

Is she going to talk? Does she smell of mothballs in an old cedar chest. Could her elbows cause a serious injury? What horror will the next four hours generate?

And now, she is turning her head in your direction. She looks at you and gives you a look of utter disdain, as if to say, "My lord, why did they seat me next to this bearded man who is obviously a smoker. How will I survive the flight?"

So, you take the black bean and onion burrito you bought in the departure lounge out of its bag and begin to enjoy your snack of choice even more now than you expected. Beans and onions. It's always risky, of course, but it looked so good, so you bought it anyway. Now, it has even more promise. In an hour or so. YES!

[geomon666]

1. I'd request another seat.

I don't need that garbage next to me.

[MineralMan]

2. Yah, that trick never works.

"Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Delta Fight 3409 to Anywhere. Today's flight is not just full, It's EXTREMELY full. Make sure your carry-on luggage is stowed either completely under your seat or in the overhead bin and fasten your seat belts. Everyone MUST be seated and buckled up before we can pull away from the gate. You MUST be in your assigned seat at this time."

[MFM008]

3. I'd fart alot.

She would ask to move.

[peacebuzzard]

4. Time for ear buds, sunglasses, ignore mode

[lunatica]

5. Does she travel economy?

Because that's what I travel, or would if I did.

[spiderpig]

6. Imagine building a career on being insufferable. Any volunteers?

Nah - me neither.

[Xolodno]

7. Start reading DU...

Which reminds me, I should take my copy of the Communist Manifesto and Capital by Karl Marx, put them on my tray, and blurt out always love reading good works by actual intellectuals instead of those phony's on TV who just want another buck in their pocket.

[Turbineguy]

8. And a nice beer

for extra propulsion!

[The Velveteen Ocelot]

9. Her Highness probably would demand my window seat,

or the other passenger's aisle seat. I would seriously consider hiding in the lav, except that they don't let you do that; if a passenger is in a lav too long the FAs start wondering whether they're sick and they'll start banging on the door. Realistically, I will never have to sit next to Ann Coulter because as a retired Delta employee and therefore a non-rev passenger at the low end of the standby list (active employees go first), I will get one of the absolute worst seats on the airplane, probably one by an aft lav. Ann would certainly book a better seat than that. So not having to sit next to Ann Coulter might be one of the few advantages to flying standby.

If by some weird happenstance I did have to sit next to her I'd just read DU on my laptop. Or I'd live-tweet the experience.

[Binkie The Clown]

10. Ask her if she prefers ...

unregulated capitalism where they can bump you out of your seat if they want to, or government regulation that make such a thing illegal.

[populistdriven]

11. repeatedly ask every flight attendant if they have any apples