Ted Cruz is Not Wanking to This Blog Post...OR IS HE?!?
Hello friends! Here's tonight's post! Check it out at my new blog site here:
http://showercapblog.com/ted-cruz-is-not-wanking-to-this-post-or-is-he/
Wouldja believe I got my Monday night blog up like, six minutes before the Ted Cruz porn story broke? Luckily, America's still laughing at America's Most Punchable Senator, ironically pounding on himself.
Anyway, I'm wrapped up snugly in my pumpkin spice straightjacket, enjoying the shrieks of madness floating into my cell on the brisk autumn breeze. I could really go for a fucking scone, y'know?
Autocratic Malaysian Prime Minister Najib Razak, so nakedly criminal that DoJ is seizing his assets, checked into Trump's D.C. hotel, presumably because these fucks are just trying to see what they can get away with now. Personally pocketing money stolen by a corrupt dictator from his people? "You ain't seen nothin' yet," boasted Eric Drumpf, "We're about to embark on a project where we work our way through all the Bond villain plots one by one, starting with Casino Royale!"
The Daily Beast tells us that Russian agents took their grand weaponization of the American Rube Army so far as to organize anti-immigrant protests on Facebook. Isn't it great, knowing our angriest idiots can be stoked into a nationalist fury from an ill-lit Moscow basement for six rubles an hour?
And it turns out Hans von Spakovsky, from Kris Kobach's Kooky Kulling Kommission, wrote himself a little letter saying how it would be a mistake to staff the panel with anything other than the most unhinged dudes from Klan militias, because Democrats believe that you should be allowed to vote EVEN IF YOU'RE NOT WHITE, THOSE CUUUUUUUUUCKS! Anyway, this guy's asking for access to all your personal, private, voting data, sleep tight.
Hey, I guess the political leadership of the CDC sent out a memo telling its employees not to speak to media. Nifty! Why should the public have access to the Center for Freaking Disease Control?!? SHUT UP I'M NOT DEVELOPING AN EBOLA VIRUS, YOU'RE DEVELOPING AN EBOLA VIRUS.
The news ain't all bad, though. We had some special elections last night, and we bumped off some Republicans, in some districts that voted for a certain Misshaped Traffic Cone as recently as last November. We're buildin' up that long-depleted bench, aren't we? Damn, Bench. Lookin' good, Bench. You've filled out since I saw you last, haven't you? (Gives Democratic Bench "the eye."
And hey, turns out we're all gonna get together and light up a fat one with...Orrin Hatch? Who knew? "Utah is America's leading exporter of things that you could totally turn into a bong," Hatch told reporters this afternoon, before retreating to his Capitol Hill office to listen to some early Cypress Hill.
The President With the Hugest Golf Pants sat down with Senator Tim Scott to discuss how maybe talking about how Charmin-soft-and-huggable Nazi terrorists are might not be the best thing for the country. The White House not only got Scott's name wrong in their press release about the meeting, but they called him, of all things...Tom. Oy.
Would you be surprised to learn that Circus Peanut Sydney Greenstreet couldn't be bothered to call our neighbor and ally, Mexico, to say "Hey bro, sorry to hear about that enormous earthquake you just had?" It shouldn't, because that would have required empathy.
It seems Mike Flynn broke even more laws that we already knew about, failing to disclose a trip abroad to broker a deal between Russia and Saudi Arabia. Ere ye pass judgment, I ask of ye, who among ye hasn't forgotten the odd excursion into international arms sales (did I mention the transaction involved arms sales? Cuz it totally did.)?
And when they say "the apple doesn't fall too far from the tree," they clearly meant the Flynns, since Wee Mikey Junior is now being investigated by Team Mueller, just like his Pop! Maybe the apple will even roll into a cell right next to the tree, who knows?
Now while one National Security advisor abused his post to manipulate his Idiot Manchild boss on behalf of foreign paymasters, let's look at an NSA executing her duties correctly.
After months of frothy screeching from the right about her dastardly Unmasking crimez, Susan Rice told the House Intelligence Committee just why she was so intent on spoiling the masquerade ball.
Turns out the crown prince of the UAE snuck into the U.S. to meet with some of the shadier members of the transition team without informing the U.S. government, a big naughty no-no (Not THAT kind, Senator Cruz. Calm down.)
And yes, that's the same UAE that facilitated the backchannel, poor-man's-Clancy-novel Seychelles meeting between Erik Prince and some random Putin stooge. You remember, the one Team Shart lied about until they got caught? Just another in the ongoing series of zany-ass coincidences and totally understandable memory lapses, right?
Getting back to Mueller, he's said to have a "red-hot focus on social media," which means he's liking a bunch of my vacation photos on Instagram, right?
Hmmmm...kind of a slow news day. I mean, the Shart House Press Secretary called for a private company to fire an American citizen for criticizing the President. That happens all the time in America, right? Why, Taft cleared out half of Wells Fargo just on account of fat jokes.
Sanders also wants Justice to think about prosecuting Jolly Jim Comey for...well, presumably for setting off a chain of events that will land multiple members of the administration in prison. Anyway, Jeff Sessions'll be too busy pursuing charges against women who laugh at him, cuz there're fucking MILLIONS of those, more every single day.
Oh, and I see Treasury Secretary Mnuchbag tried to stick us chump taxpayers with the bill for his honeymoon air travel! Fuckwad wanted an Air Force jet that runs 25,000 bucks...PER HOUR.
Between this, the security detail Betsy DeVos demands to keep the porridge-starved rabble away from her, and Sharty McFly himself bankrupting the Secret Service so he can golf every week, truly, this is a government of the common man. Sometimes...there's so much populism in the administration...I feel like I can't take it, and my heart is just going to cave in.
I see Jiggly HateMound Seb Gorka is trying to land a contract with Fox News, and also to begin some sort of murky "national security initiative" with his ol' fascist drinking buddy, Steve Bannon. Sources tell me these discussions are mainly arguments centered on whether it would be cooler to transfer Hitler's brain into a robot body (Gorka's favored position) or that of a gorilla, possibly one with super-strength (that one's Bannon).
Checking in on other corners of the right wing shitbagosphere, today we learned that Martin Shkreli is headed to jail, and that James Woods is a gross, slobbering pervert, chasing underage women. And I dunno...Pat Robertson probably ate a kitten on tv, I can't keep up with all this shit.
Oh, never forget...not all Shitbags are famous! Take, for example, the Motel 6 in Phoenix, which has been stooging undocumented immigrants out to ICE. Norman Bates is like, "Dude, you're besmirching the honor of cheap motels everywhere."
Seriously, can you imagine? "I run a motel, but what I REALLY want to do is fuck up strangers' lives."
Shit folks, I see there's a brand new Trump in the world, and a brand new Duggar besides. Jesus. Get to fuckin', Resisters! We need to build the next generation before it's too late!
No more news tonight. GET TO FUCKING.
Hang on...I'm sitting here working on this piece, and the news breaks that...Shartboy agreed to essentially pass the DREAM act in exchange for a border security package that doesn't include the Big Stupid Wall?
What the fuck? Is he just going to do whatever Schumer and Pelosi (Schumlosi?) want him to do now? SHS is saying the wall isn't off the table, but who the fuck knows what's going on? One way or another, Chuck and Nancy really boxed the Shart of the Deal in here, so I cannot WAIT to see how the GOP reacts to this tomorrow...
UPDATE: I am told that Ann Coulter combusted.
= new reply since forum marked as read
That would be a sight to see.
And Thank You once again, for all the great and imaginative names you come up with each and every time you write! 
Sorry, but I'm too old AND lack the proper equipment for babymaking.........otherwise, I'd get right on it!......er...or something.
Love it! 
Thanks!
And we're past procreation anyway. But our youngest and his bride are expecting twins. We are awaiting the next generation to expand in a couple of weeks!