Make sure you do EVERYTHING by their rules, and be prepared for uncaring bureaucrats denying you things you are entitled to just because saying no makes them able to take their lunch break on time. This is not an exaggeration. I have seen it with my own eyes.
This is one of the reasons I got my daughters U.S. citizenship at birth. They automatically got German citizenship because their mother is German and they were born in Germany. I called the US Embassy and asked what they needed for my infant daughter(s) to receive US citizenship, and did everything immediately as soon as they were born. It was a pain in the ass, but each time, I walked out of the US Embassy the same day I went to register them, and I had their U.S. birth certificates, US Passports and social security numbers in my hands.
As for me, when my intercontinental travel got to be too much, I decided to move my residence over to Germany. Before applying, I went to the bureau for foreigners (Ausländeramt) and asked what I was expected to do. I had to provide proof of marriage to a German citizen (check), proof of employment (check), health insurance (they accepted my US Blue Cross), proof of financial stability--i.e. never having paid into the German system, they wanted to be sure I wouldn't ask for welfare, although they granted exactly that to a few million so-called "exiled Germans" from Eastern Europe in the last few decades who never paid a cent, either. They all got apartments, huge monthly cash allowances, in some cases cars and cell phones paid by the government. My wife, a German social worker, dealt with these people for decades. Most of them got pensions greater than her own. Anyway, though not a relative of the Koch brothers, my bank balance in Dallas convinced them I would not be panhandling at the Bahnhof Zoo in Berlin any time in the near future.
I also had to prove proficiency in German. It took them about 30 seconds to waive that test, as my German is approaching native fluency. If yours is not, work on it. They care, and it makes a BIG difference when they ask you questions if you can answer unhesitatingly in German. If all you know is English, they will give you a hard time. In Boston, if all you know is German, they'd probably give you a hard time, too.
A lot depends on the good or bad mood of the official you land with. The first office I tried for my residence was run by two complete incompetents, and I got nowhere. They gave me some questionnaire in German to fill out. I said no problem. Frustrated that I was OK with their request, they suddenly said, no, no, your employer in Dallas has to fill it out, and they have to do it in German. I said OK, our head of personnel is a native German, she'll have it back to you in a week (she did). They were disappointed, but they couldn't think of any other ways to harass me. The second time I tried (a new office had since opened up nearer to me), I did it all again, and I had my residence and work permit within 8 weeks. Luck of the draw. Get a nice person, and they'll walk you through it. Get an asshole, and you could be Angela Merkel, and they'll still find a way to send you to Turkey on a one-way trip.
Case in point: a year ago, I arrived in Germany from a trip to the States. I know most of the Customs officers at my airport, have worked with them in an official capacity at one time or another. But this was a new guy. He stopped me and asked--in English--what was the purpose of my trip to Germany? I said I had a very solid purpose, namely that I live here. I showed him my residence card. He then said, "but if you live in Germany, the you must speak German." I said, "I do speak German." Then he gave me a hard time, asking why I was speaking in English. I said, "you are the one who started speaking in English. I don't give German customs officials orders regarding what language they are to use. If you want me to speak German, then speak to me in German." He realized that he wasn't getting anywhere, so he pulled the last resort: are you carrying cash? I said, "of course I'm carrying cash. The taxi driver isn't going to drive me home for free." Then he gave up and let me go.
Again, I must stress that the officials here are not by any means all like the idiots I have sometimes had to deal with. But some of them are, and you must be prepared for the worst.
When you come, if they ask the purpose of your visit, say it is to visit a friend, and have a return flight reservation you can show them if they ask. If they ask how long you intend to stay, make it short. 90 days--the max allowable without a visa, will come across as very suspicious. They know full well how long most Americans get in vacation time. If you plan to ask for a residence, do NOT mention this when you arrive from the States. Go to the Ausländeramt and ask what they would need to grant you a residence permit. Make sure you are only making an inquiry out of curiosity, and do not make the request for residence on the spot. Say you have met someone, and are considering it and want to know what the requirements are. Be aware that from the second you are granted a residence, they consider you a tax resident of Germany. They WILL come after you to file a tax return (you must continue to file in the USA as well). Even if you have no income, get advice.
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