I Dont Care if its a Rap Battle or an IQ Test So Long as We Can Reclaim the Presidency
Hello friends. As always, thanks for reading, and if you can, check out the blog site:
http://showercapblog.com/i-dont-care-if-its-a-rap-battle-or-an-iq-test-so-long-as-we-can-legally-use-it-to-reclaim-the-presidency/
Ah, a crisp autumn day. I can almost visualize the last dwindling threads of my sanity drifting to the ground like a dying leaf. It will be sweater weather soon, and my straightjacket will seem a blessing rather than an irritant.
Y'know, if William Shakespeare were around to write a play about these bat-poop-encrusted days, Carter Page would be the character in the Malvolio/Dogberry role; the blustering idiot with a near-fatal case of Dunning-Krueger syndrome, running to and fro across the stage, shooting his mouth off to the amusement/embarrassment of the audience.
After months of demanding the chance to clear his name in public, Carter's suddenly all, "Welllllllll actually I'mma take the fifth so I don't commit too much perjury," which is behavior common to 96% of all innocent people, particularly in the realm of treason...right?
He'll surely show up to his hearing with his stockings cross-gartered, is all I'm saying.
Didja see this shit in the Daily Beast? Where Don the Con's babysitters, excuse me, "advisors," talked him into threatening the free trade agreement with South Korea so as to get him to back off destroying NAFTA? Like, "Maybe if we let him have just a little trade war, he won't insist on a massive, world-economy-wrecking one?"
Maybe we can try that strategy with North Korea...like, let him nuke some uninhabited Pacific island, tell him there are tortoises or gibbons there who made fun of his (tiny, unmanly) fingers. Get me James Mattis on the phone, dammit, this is surely worth a shot.
Hey, the President of the United States challenged his Secretary of State to an IQ test, that's another totally normal thing that happened. So normal it's boring. Obama was always dropping by Hillary's office with little brainteasers and shit. Hell, they almost let bin Laden get away, cuz they were in the middle of a ferociously competitive Scrabble game, but Biden told them it was a Big Fucking Deal, so they stopped.
Anyway, the dude who wants a battle of wits thinks "liddle" is a word, so I say let's do the test, and the winner gets to set North Korea policy.
Well, if there's one thing the Drumpf era has brought us, it's a veritable Renaissance in the long-neglected Behind the Scenes Accounts of an Idiot Manchild President Descending into Gibbering Madness, Sourced by Dozens of Leakers genre. It's flat-out FLOURISHING.
Vanity Fair tells us the President "hate(s) everyone in the White House." WaPo says he's "lashing out." And the L.A. Times says he's siding with Sean Hannity over people who actually, y'know...WORK IN THE FUCKING GOVERNMENT. Anyway, we're all just one colicky tantrum away from seeing mushroom clouds broadcast all across the lyin' liberal media, seems to be the consensus.
A neo-confederate hate group managed to convince some "magistrate" to issue an arrest warrant for DeAndre Harris, for the high crime of Getting Beaten Within an Inch of His Life By the Shittiest White Losers on Earth. And to think, some folks say the justice system in this country has a racism problem.
Mike Ditka certainly doesn't think so. I'm sure Drumpf will appoint him to head up the Civil Rights division at DoJ by the end of the week.
Hey, looks like Eminem may be auditioning for that Veep slot! You always hear about the "attack dog" aspect, right? Shit, you could broadcast the Pence/Mathers debate in 3-D IMAX. Huge ratings. Warren/Mathers '20!
Meanwhile, the death toll keeps rising in Puerto Rico, which will perhaps lead to the rescinding of the Official Presidential Congratulations For Not Being a Real Disaster. Well, don't worry, Puerto Rico...the President is asking for a multi-billion dollar loan for your relief efforts.
Wait, WHAT? A loan? A motherfucking LOAN? Americans dying because they haven't had electricity or clean water for weeks, and you want them to PAY BACK THEIR FUCKING RELIEF FUNDS? I shudder to think about the interest rates President Fuckwad will charge. Can someone build a debtor's prison large enough for an entire island? Asking for an amoral turdworm.
And we keep learning more and more about the monstrous evil perpetrated by Harvey Weinstein. And, seriously...fuck that guy for all eternity. With weird, sharp, oblong, candelabras.
But there's this weird triumphalism on the right, like they're off the hook for electing a serial sexual predator PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES. What? Seriously...what do two wrongs make again?
There's the weird chorus emerging in certain corners of the right wing loonosphere screaming "SEE! MIKE PENCE IS RIGHT! IF MEN WERE JUST LIKE MIKE PENCE AND NEVER LET THEMSELVES BE ALONE WITH WOMEN THEN MEN CAN'T RAPE WOMEN, IT'S MUCH HARDER TO RAPE SOMEBODY IN A ROOM FULL OF PEOPLE UNLESS OF COURSE IT'S A FRAT PARTY." Seb Gorka and Erick Erickson are particularly eager to parrot this line, I guess because they want the entire world to know what creepy little bastards they are.
Turns out Smallhands Magoo wants a massive increase in the nuclear arsenal! Why? My best guess is he wants to eliminate all living beings who know that Salma Hayek wouldn't go out with him. And now we've got folks talking about Mattis and Kelly sitting around a table, late at night, sipping on cough syrup and ether, developing contingency plans for when President Manbaby lunges for the nuclear football, ISN'T 2017 NEAT?
Boy howdy, the Sunny D-Bag sure does hate dat First Amendment. It's "frankly disgusting" to him, that the press has the freedom to publish what they want, even if it happens to be one of the ten thousand or so potential stories that reveal his criminal/embarrassing/treasonous behavior. Shit, he want to revoke NBC's license, all over the Shocking Breaking News that he's a Big Fat Fucking Moron.
Seriously, if it wasn't for NBC's cutting-edge journalism, America might not know, even today, that Drumpf's a Moron. Hard-hitting shit. Without NBC, maybe we'd have to wait until some far-flung alien civilization sifted through the atomically-annihilated ruins of our world before figuring out "Holy shit, these people were governed by a thumb-sucking dickhead."
Speaking of the amendment that's first both in Constitution and in my heart, the Shart House continues its attacks on reporters and college professors who criticize them, as well as Black athletes bold enough to insist that their Lives Matter. (And let's take a moment to shout out to the willing fascist collaborators among the NFL's owners. FUCK ALL Y'ALL.) I tell ya, Sarah Huckabee Sanders has visions of running her own concentration camp dancing around in her mind like sugarplum fairies.
You sort of wonder when the Marmalade Shartcannon's gonna start going after some of the other amendments, just for variety's sake. I sort of expect to come home and find a few soldiers quartered in my apartment, eating my Hungry Man Dinners, getting that viscous compote fluid all over my comic books.
And Shart Carney's long-delayed visit to England has been downgraded! He will no longer be a "guest of the Queen," but will rather be a "guest of the shitty Oasis cover band that plays in tourist bars where they chill the beers for American tourists."
Il Douche is reportedly backing off his bullshit claims that he and his shitbag family won't pocket millions of dollars if he gets his crooked tax plan exacted. Well FUCK, y'all, he's almost honest.
We keep learning all kinds of fun things about how the Russians used the Kaspersky anti-virus software to steal classified information. This seems like a good time to let you all know that I'm using special secret software to determine if Showercap blog readers think I look fat in this pants.*
Mitch McConnell wants to do away with the Senate's "blue slip" process for judicial confirmations, because procedural norms are to be honored only when convenient for conservatives. Careful, Yertle...come January 2021, you may wake up to realize you've paved the path to Supreme Court Justice Alec Baldwin. Anyway, Chuck Grassley's making noise, so this may not come to much, but keep an eye on it.
Politico tells us that Senate Democrats are worried about Russian interference in the pending (goddamn) midterms (which you should vote in). Oddly the GOP seems less than eager to move against the hostile foreign power that interfered in our electoral process...to their benefit. Tax Cuts for the Kochs and Mercers > Loyalty to Your Country, right, guys?
Roy Moore took a million bucks from a "charity" he founded to "promote Christian values" despite insisting that he wouldn't, and contrary to the charity's tax filings. I'm starting to think the Evangelical movement in this country is just one big symbiotic relationship between grifters and shitty white people who like to be told they're God's chosen idiots. Like Venom, only they hate Decency instead of Spider-Man.
Anyway, Roy's gonna be a real hoot in the Senate, isn't he?
Treasury's Inspector General is reopening the investigation into Secretary Mnuchbag's travel, because it seems Steve-O wasn't totally honest in his disclosures. And Ryan Zinke's apparently been using taxpayer dollars to jet around to campaign events, which isn't even a little bit legal, but hey, when the President's assaulting the fundamental institutions of American Democracy, maybe you can sneak through with a little petty embezzlement, right?
And Cambridge Analytica, toy of the Mercers, is being investigated for potential collusion with Russia. CA has tentacles stretching from Bannon to Kushner and back again, so this'll be a fun thread to follow.
Shit, even RUSH LIMBAUGH doesn't think Tangerine Idi Amin should be ordering NFL players to stand for the anthem. How fucked do your actions have to be for a malleable hack like Rush to say, "Actually, even I can't spin this shit?"
And now you've got Glenn Beck tweeting about the first amendment! Hell, if we can get a few of these conservatives to actually stand up for the things they claim to believe in, we'll have a fuckin' revolution on our hands.
Anyway, the malicious shitheads in Congress still haven't managed to renew CHIP, because when you're governed by 21st century Republicans, even "Hey, we should maybe not let children die" is a controversial proposal, apparently.
Donnie Two Scoops gave a speech to some truckers, about how much they'd benefit from the repeal of the estate tax, because lots of truckers leave 5.5 million dollar estates behind when they die. Ok, so there won't be any truckers benefiting, but lots of Trump's kids will! That's practically the same thing, right?
Anyway, Shartboy missed a deadline for implementing legally-mandated sanctions on Russia, which probably isn't anything anybody needs to read into. Nor is the Thank You card Putin sent him, complete with a 20-dollar gift card to Chuck E. Cheese.
Well, I know there's more...there's always stuff I miss, for which I apologize, but you don't really wanna make me watch that Drumpf/Hannity interview, do you? DO YOU? I thought you liked me, Resisters. Give a bathrobe-and-lucha-mask-clad blogger a break, okay?
*Fuck you, Dale.
= new reply since forum marked as read
Caligula from Queens is on a fucking roll! 
Cause you're helping me hang onto mine!
And you know it's OK that you miss stuff. Hell, I missed your thread till NOW! Sorry. I'll try to be more diligent in the future.
