I am interested in reading experiences of primary caregivers of a dying parent.

[LuckyCharms]

Specifically, if any of you are or were such caregivers, do you have siblings who did not share in these responsibilities? If your parent has passed and you had the primary responsibility of caring for your parent without help from any of your siblings, how was your relationship with these siblings after your parent passed on?

Thank you for anything that you are willing to share on this board, if you are at a point where you can write about it. I will most likely not respond to any posts, because my feelings are extremely raw concerning this...but I will read every response in hope of gaining some enlightenment.

I don't anticipate many responses. If a few people can keep this thread kicked for a bit, I would appreciate it.

Thank you in advance.

[Kali]

1. ...

I took care of a grandparent. My youngest sister was closer in location to my parents and helped care for my Mother. we were both there when she passed. we are close and there was full understanding about my Mom. She was the one who found my Father - he was pretty independent and had even been to the grocery store that morning. She was out of town and I know that she is suffering about it, but there was nothing she could have done, even if she had been there in the house with him.
Sorry about your situation and I know that you did a lot for your Mom. You are a good son.

[LuckyCharms]

2. anddddd now i'm crying

[Kali]

5. it is ok to cry

it is as important as laughing.

[LuckyCharms]

7. thanks kali n/t

[Cadfael]

3. Kicking for visibility

Can’t help, was an only child primary caregiver.

Wishing you the best {{{LuckyCharms}}}

[LuckyCharms]

4. She passed awhile ago and i can't get over it...thank you for responding

[boston bean]

12. i have some experience.

I look at it as I am lucky for having so much extra time with her.

I have also told her how lost and grief stricken I will be when she passes and the only thing that will get me through is remembering what she would tell me if I let that grief consume me.

She would want me to continue my life and be the happiest I could be. That I have my own family who needs me and I better buck the fuck up!!!

I think I could do that for her in her memory although I will be crushed. She is my best friend.

And lastly she would be upset if me and my siblings weren't getting along or not speaking. She raised us all to be close.

[annabanana]

6. Not sure I can be of much help.

I haven't been in your shoes. But I will kick the thread in the Morning a couple times.

So sorry for your loss and the burden you have had to bear on your own.

[marlakay]

8. Not dying but my mom is 90 and I think about these things

My brother started backing off years ago, neither of us are close to mom but I make a effort and he just gave up about 5 years ago and I felt like it was so he wouldn't have to deal with any of the responsibilities of her aging. She is getting close to us having to put her in a home and looks like my daughter and I will be dealing with it.

My brother doesn't talk to me either so not like I can say, its your mom to.

I was best friends with my dad, (who died in 2000) never close to mom and they divorced in their 50's and my dad remarried, mom stayed on her own in tiny senior apt, still there same one after 30 yrs.

I hate to say it but I do it because of duty and I am a decent person. My mom all my life has pushed my buttons and as a child wasn't there for me at all when I needed her. Part of me feels like why should I be there for her? And I answer my own question with, because its the right thing to do.

As far as care giving I don't know if I could do that with our relationship. I would be more lately to find a place for her to go and visit her. My marriage isn't strong enough to deal with the stress of it.

I am just being honest, hopefully won't get crushed for that here.

[stevenleser]

9. My mom just passed August 18th from pneumonia

I was her health care proxy.

She developed ARDS, (Acute Respiratory Distress Syndrome) something that I had never heard about and kills 50% of even young people who develop the complication. People over 65 almost never survive it.

Even though this only lasted 11 days, it was exhausting and took a pretty big emotional toll.

I’m sorry you are going through this and I hope whatever you are going through with your siblings gets resolved.

[NRaleighLiberal]

10. This is hard, hard stuff. So sorry for the challenges you are experiencing.

Slightly different scenario - briefly, after my dad's stroke (10 years ago - he hung on for 2 months), my mom's life came apart - they were so close for more than 50 years. She was in RI, me in NC, my brother in FL. My brother and I did what we could from a distance - our uncle (my mom's brother) did his best, but it was tough on him. He was unrealistic in expectations on what my brother and I could provide in terms of time (we each had jobs that meant we couldn't get away for extended stretches), so the first destroyed relationship was between my uncle and me.

It was clear after a few months that my mom had to go to assisted living - coming to live with us, or with my brother, just was impractical on various levels. The options were in RI, in NC (near me), or in FL (near my brother). For whatever reason, he wanted her near him. It put an incredible burden on him and his family, made complicated in that his wife didn't much like my mother, and resented time he spent visiting her. Her misery continued there, and the more miserable she got, the more guilty my brother got, and the more angry his wife got. This went on for 7 years - she passed away finally in a nursing home three years ago.

So all different points of view - I felt I did as much as I could given my life's circumstances from here. My uncle thought it was insufficient and it killed our relationship. My brother, who wanted my mom there, ended up bitter and resentful - in his mind, I could have taken more visits - but in reality, I did my best. Our relationship suffered, and is just now coming back to what I would consider a good brother-brother relationship - but it took its toll.

I've had friends in similar situations. My wife had a similar situation with her mom, and dad, and her sister. I watched my mom be primary proximal caretaker (meaning there every moment needed), and her brother and sister "escape" - and it took a huge toll on their relationships - which also filtered down to my relationship with my cousins.

I know none of that is comforting, explains or helps what you are going through - but from what I've seen, in nearly every family, one member takes on the primary caretaker role, and it is hard work, in every way. And when there are siblings who are distant from it, it always leaves a mark that, hopefully, with time and understanding, can heal a bit.

[elfin]

11. Not primary, but involved as my Dad's wife was at home with him and was a champ

Daily fairly long visits to them to spell her and help along with Hospice, meals, errands, and other kindly tasks.

A time to talk to my parent on the last leg of the journey with good memories as the subjects at hand.

Fortunate that others in the family cared enough to do what they could, most at further distances than I.

Hospice was so helpful and accommodating. The key was his wife, who was the primary.

A halo for you. It is both taxing and rewarding in so many ways as long as you let go of any expectations of how others should help. However, please please please make YOUR needs known in specific ways - cards, money, meals, calls to the parent etc. Make it clear, somehow without demanding, and take what comes --- or doesn't.

This special passage reveals so much about the family -- watch, learn, and celebrate the unexpected grace from those you never expected do do the very best, even if it is very brief.

If someone behaves in an ugly or disappointing way -- an affirmation to let them go along with your parent.

[fairfaxvadem]

13. Yes, most definitely

Some of this was due to geography. Half of us on one coast, rest on other. Same 1/2 was with Mom when Dad died of cancer 30 years ago (I was 20) and when Mom succumbed to Alzheimers in 2012.

However, as much as I love my siblings, 2 of them were simply AWOL. One certainly had the means to come out once a year, maybe twice, stay with one of us and spend time with Mom and give us all a break. She didn't. At one point, I was working f/t, commuting at night for law school, and making my 2-3 weekly visits. One sister was raising 2 kids. Brother just did what we told him, sorry to say. Other brother just checked out and never once came to see his mom. Other sister had ill husband and took care of Mom for a time on her coast until we moved her back to give sis time with her husband. With 3 of us and quality medical care, was best move, no regrets.

Came with a price within the family. Since my mom's death, I don't communicate with my siblings as much, I'm sorry to say. And sis who could have made a yearly trip but didn't, decided to cop an attitude with me during funeral because I didn't do what she wanted. Can't win this game so I've moved on. I'm the youngest and have always been the glue but not sure I can care enough anymore. Sad, since we're all not getting any younger.

Good luck in your situation. Every family is different but oh so much the same in many ways...

[W_HAMILTON]

14. I've been the primary caregiver of a parent for years now.

Fortunately, the parent is not dying, but she has basically needed someone with her 24/7 for the past few years. I imagine the situations are similar, although a dying parent would most likely need even more attention and care.

And, no, none of my siblings share in any of the responsibilities. I actually gave up my career and moved back home to look after my mom, when I had several siblings in the same city (doing a lot of nothing with their lives) that just chose not to. Shortly afterwards, my mom fell and broke her arm, and I remember calling each sibling and not one of them picked up -- what would she have done if I wasn't around?

As for my feelings towards my siblings, I resent them so much and want nothing to do with them ever again. I don't even view them as family, because family wouldn't let down other family members like this (and I am referring to looking after their elderly mom, not me, I couldn't care less about their relationship with me).

[applegrove]

15. In my family we all had our role. My sister was the leader. She and I were

there for the time when my mom was sickest. My brother's did their part by visiting and flying home from Japan and the like or fixing things. But they were not involved in the caregiving. I took care of my parents for years with healthcare aides. The very best people. And I was paid for those years I cooked dinner and managed doctors appointments and the like. I had agreed to do it as long as I did not have to clean. That was the deal. So I had lots of help when my parents were still there and not dying. When my mom got very sick we wanted to keep her with my dad at their retirement residence which was not a nursing home. My sister took the lead and organized it all from in town and out of town. She really put herself out there so all would go as smooth as possible. I will not talk about my mom's passing but safe to say that that my sister and I worked together with the hospice nurse. And most important my mom was comfortable on morphine. After she passed my brothers did their part in speaking at the funeral and in cleaning out my parents apartment a few months later. We all did what we felt comfortable doing. My parents are very lucky and could afford the best help. My sister was pushed beyond her ability to cope being out of town and balancing everyone and the only thing we could have done to alleviate that would be to have had my mom pass away in a nursing home. We moved my dad into one a few months later and were like 'all the problems she struggled to solve as mom was so sick, they are all solved here'. My sister looked out for all of us. We have socialized medicine in canada. I was very lucky to have support in so many ways. No one expected me to speak at the funeral and was told I could leave whenever I wanted to, I have ptsd. I helped a bit cleaning out the apartment but was told to go home and relax at some point. It was really hard seeing my mom struggle at the end. Even with morphine I would not like that for myself. I'm just thinking that you were my sister in this scenario. And everyone should have a sibling like you.

[WillowTree]

16. People tend to give what they can at those times.

One of my sisters was less "present" when my Mom was in hospice and yes, the rest of us resented it. It's not as if she loved Mom less or was less committed to her, she just didn't have more in her to invest in the care of a dying parent. It was much the same way 5 years later when Dad passed away.

But when we got some distance from the situation, we came to realize that we may never know why, but some people just deal with the dying part differently. I personally think that she really wanted to be there more, and she even told me once that she envied the precious time that we had with them. Nothing stopped her from being there.......except something in herself. And afterward, she did a kick ass job in handling most of the BS of settling the estate.......because that's what she had to give to them and to us.

Maybe it's similar with your sib. Maybe not. But I can tell you truly that no one will suffer as much as you if you don't find a way to let go of it. That will most likely take time. It'll take as long as it takes. Just be glad that you know you did what needed to be done for your loved one and s/he knew it, too. That's what's most important.

Hugs. I know it's such a rough time, so hugs and more hugs to you.

[MyNameIsKhan]

17. I take care of my mother and father without any help from two able and wealthy siblings ...

Its hard and I do have developed some bitterness for my siblings ...

[IADEMO2004]

18. I have a slow burn that I still hold in after a couple years.

Siblings in other towns me in the same town as mom and step dad. Dad in my house for a year until he needed 24 hr. skilled care.
Tons of trips to medical appointments for all three. Medicare, bank accounts, pharmacy, meals on wheels, phone scams, litter box, middle of day or night trips to settle early dementia arguments. I'm self-employed so it was easier for me to do it because sisters had jobs. Mom's words. Burn started when I'd hear "I'll take a family leave day and visit them" LuckyCharms I love my sisters they mean well but I think I know your raw feelings. They both have serious health problems now that lessens the heat and keeps it inside me. Best luck on your enlightenment quest.

[blueinredohio]

19. Yes I helped my mother take care of my father. I have seven siblings of which all except one lived

pretty close. No one cared enough to pay attention, when anything needed done it had to be brought to their attention. When they finally had to help a little they couldn't w a it for me to get off work so they could get out the door. There are lots of stories, too many to list here but I can say it does cause hard feelings. My mother is now going through it and I finally set my foot down, told them I'm not doing it all anymore and if they didn't help she would have to ho in the nursing home.

[Corgigal]

20. I took care of my father in law

for the last 3 days of his life. He just got of the hospital and did not know that he was going to pass this quickly. I knew he was scared to be alone at night, which never happened before so I stayed on the sofa.

The night before he passed he asked about why he was so tired. I told him, Ralph you just got out of the hospital and are recovering from an infection. I never realized how Important these last words would be. I want to believe it took away a bit of his fear. We did help him get to bed, a glass of water and turned on a channel he would watch on tv.

At around 3 am, I heard the cat in the hallway. His door was 90 percent closed, but I remember looking up to see if he was getting up to use the bathroom. He wasn't. I also remember talking to him that night, are you ok? Which I asked him the previous morning when I awoke. He answered no, but a dream. He did pass quietly and without pain when I discovered him around 930. I kind of knew something was wrong because I got up before him.

It wasn't a long time care, I'm just happy he wasn't alone. I also wanted to say my husband old law enforcement agency stationed a car outside of the home until his body was removed.

[mountain grammy]

21. It's been 29 years.

I found out my mom had ovarian cancer and I was pregnant all in the same week.. Mom was 77, I was 40, she was in Hartford, my sister too, I'm in Colorado. Since our dad died when I was ten, my mom was our only parent for most of our lives.
When we got the diagnosis, I immediately flew to CT and stayed for two weeks, but had to return to work. My sister took over, and mom responded to chemo and went into remission. Then they did surgery, but the oncologist was not hopeful. She came to Colorado in June to visit. We had the best time. She was so excited to be expecting a granddaughter after two grandsons. When she left, I knew she wasn't feeling well and I tried to give her a pep talk, but by August, she was back in the hospital. I went to CT and stayed through August and into September. We got mom's apartment cleaned out, the doctor said she wasn't going home and that she was only holding on until her granddaughter was born. I considered just staying in CT for the duration, but needed to see my doctor. I came home and was immediately put on bedrest. told the doc I had to return to CT, my mother was dying. No way, she said, you're going to bed. My daughter was born 6 weeks later, and I talked to mom on the phone. That night she went into a coma and never woke up. 4 days later, she died. My sister had to handle everything alone. and she resented it.I didn't blame her. We buried mom's ashes next to my dad in Arlington Cemetery 4 weeks later. I still miss her, and the fact I wasn't there during her illness makes it harder. My sister never forgave me, but visited a couple times a year. She became a hoarder, disabled, and died suddenly in 2008. Our relationship was never great, but I think her having to handle mom's illness alone took a toll on her and not me not being there made it that much harder.

My heart goes out to you. Life goes on, and you'll be ok. Be happy for the time you had. Sorry I rambled on.. I don't know if it helped you, but it helped me. Thanks.

[LeftyMom]

22. My sister accused my mother of malingering while she was on a ventilator.

Once we got it through her head that they don't put you on a ventilator for being a whiner they put you on one because you'll die without she decided it was my mother's fault.

Not long after when it looked like our father was going to die (he pulled through, got stronger and got a transplant) she really wasn't much more helpful, even though they have a much better relationship. She left the hospital while we were waiting for him to be taken up to surgery for his transplant because she had to teach an exercise class.

I guess the only thing I can say is that shitty, self-centered people don't magically become selfless and giving of their time when their parents get sick, and that mortality only draws families together in made-for-cable movies.

[Mediumsizedhand]

23. This has been an interesting thread and I appreciate everyone that has shared.

What I have considered over the night reading different stories, is I really want to have a conversation with my older children and let them know what I do not want them to experience in my illness and inevitable death. Some of these stories have really left an impact on me. I do not want my kids to feel responsibilities I am hearing some have, or a conflict between siblings because one was able to do more than another.

We are a family, we love. I do not want the end of my life to cause division, anger, resentment for the other family.

There was a poster that discussed how the sister just didn't have it in her to do that. I appreciated that conversation because there was acceptance of what the sibling was capable of and the recognition that sibling stepped up after the death, what she was able. That was touching for me, that the sibling was able to recognize this about her sister.

Anyway, these stories are of value to me. Thank you for sharing.

And Lucky, I hope you find what you are looking for. Peace, resolution.

[Awsi Dooger]

24. I helped with mom and was primary with my dad

Mom essentially died due to a broken ankle at 74. It was an extreme break and required an external fixator. The doctors thought she was too weak to come home after hospitalization and surgery so mom was assigned to a rehab center. She was on the verge of being dismissed to go home when she was diagnosed with MRSA. It got worse and worse to the point she bloated and was put on dialysis after her kidneys failed.

Frankly I didn't know how serious MRSA was, or the situation was, so I didn't go home to Miami from Las Vegas until 2 weeks before mom died. I'll always regret that and it hurts more than I can describe. She had been sent home a week earlier.

Mom was thrilled to see me and had a great Thanksgiving, eating two pieces of pumpkin pie. From that point she steadily declined and we knew it wasn't long. A lady doctor visited the house 9 days before mom died and called my dad aside to whisper to him. I didn't have to ask what that meant. She told my dad my mom's system had suffered too many attacks and would not recover. Then mom herself sensed it the following Sunday. She had her final full day of clarity and started blurting out some things to me, ones that had been family secrets. I asked her not to but she persisted. They were positive about me so she wanted to share.

Mom died three days later.

My younger sister lived smack across the street. She is an addict...addicted to wine. We have never been close. It is difficult to believe she is blood related. Everyone else is helpful and family oriented and straight forward. She is self absorbed and greedy beyond description, not to mention the little matters of a liar, sneak, and thief. I have mentioned on this forum that she is a Republican. So no deviation from expectation there.

That sister during the reading of my mom's will was full out drunk and when family items like jewelry were being assigned to my other sister, the drunk sister frantically waved her arms and exclaimed, "Oh no. On no. That's mine. That's mine. Mom promised that to me in 1974."

I wish I were kidding. It is the only time I've been embarrassed to be a member of this family. The same scene was repeated on at least 6 items. I was livid. My younger sister was devastated. She looked at me with crestfallen eyes and thrust out her hands while asking me, "What am I supposed to do?" My dad was reading the will. He told me later he had to take several deep breaths to remain composed just enough to keep going. He was determined to get through the process and keep it as civil and dignified as feasible, under the circumstances. My drunk sister never had any inkling she was out of line, and her simpleton Republican husband was sober but likewise not surprised. To him it was par for the course.

That drunk sister has caused me nothing but problems in the 9 subsequent years. Her husband divorced her. She was drunk almost every day when she temporarily moved in with me. Fortunately that has ended.

I had planned to detail my dad's passing but I hadn't expected to devote so much detail and emotion while describing mom. In short, dad was diagnosed with pulmonary fibrosis exactly one month after mom died. Once we read about that condition, dad and I were numb and knew he had only 2-5 years to live. It turned out to be 3 years 9 months. I stayed with him in Miami instead of returning to Las Vegas as planned. I am glad I made that choice. It partially offsets the regret I have about mom.

Dad was active and doing surprisingly well and appeared to have another 18+ months until he caught acute pneumonia in a hotel room while we were out of state. The decline was rapid. He lived less than 2 more months, the final 9 days in intensive care. That drunk sister did visit him a few times in the hospital. Then she got drunk on the night he died and remained drunk for weeks. We were trying to write an obituary and she was so drunk and incoherent she literally tipped over and fell off the couch onto the floor.

I don't have 1% respect for her. That's the bottom line now. More than $250,000 total has been spent on her addiction, with zero benefit. Instead of thanking family member for help and patience she is bitter and refuses to acknowledge that she has any problem at all. She owes me more than $15 thousand. I'll never see a dollar of it. Hurricane Irma came and went. She never contacted anyone and ignored every call, email and text we sent to her. She ignores birthdays within the family, and major holidays. More than anything, I'm very concerned that she'll find some way to ruin my life down the road. I don't put it past her. She stole money from my wallet persistently when she was a little girl and that tipped her character subsequently.

[Skeletor]

25. I cared for my mother for the majority of my life...

She first got sick back in 1986 with a disease similar to MS. I was 7 years old at the time, and would help her out as much as I could. As time went on, her disease progressed and her gait became more unsteady and her strength decreased. I quit school at 16 to help care for her while my father worked to pay the bills.

I do have 1 sibling, but she moved away in the early 90s. She wasn't totally absent from my mother's care, but I did do the bulk of it. Throughout this time, my mom survived cancer and a total removal of her voice box. She never once lost her courage throughout this.

2 months ago, on August 15th, she started having trouble breathing. I called an ambulance, but on the way to the hospital she passed at the age of 64. I'm still in the numb phase. I've cried very little, and I'm wondering when/if the weight of her loss will totally hit me. I'm keeping myself busy with my job and my animals. She was my best friend. When I came out to her at 23...she totally accepted me without question. I miss her every second of every day.

Just stay strong and know that you're not alone.

[MountCleaners]

26. I took care of my father

My dad had multiple bypass surgery, and they told him he needed an artificial heart. Of course you can only live a year or less after getting one, so it was clear that he didn't have much time left. He spent his last year and a half in and out of hospitals and nursing homes.

I didn't have to care for him on a daily basis for the most part, but I spent much of that time running back and forth to the hospital, getting him his Sudoku puzzles and his favorite food, taking care of his dogs and his house.

My siblings didn't pitch in, but they weren't as close to him as I was. There wasn't as much resentment because of this, although his death was certainly harder for me.

[JustAnotherGen]

27. We split it

My mom needed help with my dad.

Even though I was 450 miles away and my brother was 10 miles away -
I had the flexibility at work to work from my parents' home.

If I did not have support from my VP - I think it would have fallen on my brother's shoulders.

I'm not sure of the logistics of your situation - but job security and financial ability to travel back and forth could be at play.

[LuckyCharms]

28. I really cannot thank you all enough for sharing your stories here

and also a big thank you to anyone who may respond after my post now.

I will try to keep this short... none of my siblings speak to me anymore, so I lost my family the same day I lost my mom. My mom suffered, and she kept asking for them, and they would not come. I tried my best to get them here, and they could not be bothered.

My mom was a sweet lady. She was not abusive to her children. She lost her husband young and did the best she could.

I called my siblings out when they would not come to see their mother. They resented that, so they do not speak to me now. It may be due to their guilt.

I spoke to them shortly after my mother passed. I was so spent, I asked them to arrange the funeral, with my help. They could not be bothered.

My mom's death was not peaceful. She suffered and I couldn't make it better. And I couldn't get her children to come and say goodbye. I won't go into the details of her death, but I am haunted.

I am sorry I am not responding to each post individually, but I recognize and appreciate the time and effort you all put into your responses. Thank you so much. Love to you all.

EDIT: I am not looking for an apology from my family, but I am looking for at least an acknowledgment and recognition of the situation. Because of the lack of this, we will never speak again.

[chia]

34. I didn't read your post here until I'd already answered the OP

and wanted to tell you that I'm so sorry for the loss of your mom, and for the difficulty of the death you endured with her. It's heartbreaking what you went through and are going through still. The circumstance of my parent's death still haunts me to this day so I have empathy for you in that and my heart goes out to you.

Please consider at some point when you're ready (and maybe you already have) talking through all of this with a good therapist who will allow you to unload your burden and help you sort through it all. You don't have to go through this by yourself.

[Louis1895]

36. Therapist - good idea - and my experience

I lost my mother 14 months after losing my wife to ovarian cancer.

I had gone out to the west coast from the east coast to see my mother when she took ill. She had some sort of intestinal ailment and her doctor thought she would improve but my mother did not want to be in a skilled nursing facility. She decided to come home to the apartment she had in my oldest sister's house. My mom decided that was it and declined all food and, soon, liquids. Soon she was on hospice and we made her as comfortable as we could. All five of her children were present (only two lived near her) but my oldest sister and I had the responsibility for the care. I was the only one of the five who had cared for someone in their terminal years. The other three siblings had different views of how to handle the situation and, frankly, were causing more problems because of this. My mom held out for about 3-4 weeks and many of the grandchildren and great grandchildren came by to say their good-byes. After our mother passed, the siblings went out for dinner and there was a tense blow-up between two of them and some strained relations for a while. Also, there were some emotional flare-ups after our father's memorial service years prior. I have been through several death situations over the past fifteen years and each one has been different. I have tried to stay on an even keel because I still have responsibilities that include other people. That is not always easy. I am still a bit miffed that my mother-in-law's only grandson (an adult) never came to visit her after she moved to be near my family. I had responsibility for her after my wife died and it would have been nice if the grandson had ever called her or made a visit. She was very hurt that he never made an effort.

I think you would benefit from speaking to a therapist to work through your anger at your siblings.

By the way, one of the guilty feelings I had concerning my wife was the nagging thought that there might have been more that I could have done for her to save her life. I was driving home one afternoon and heard a physician talking about the death of his own father. I came to realize that i did everything as best as it could have been done. It was a cathartic moment for me and I almost had to pull off the road because the tears welling up in my eyes made it hard to see. If you have any similar thoughts about how you cared for your mother, then a therapist might be able to help you through that, too.

Anyway, I hope you can find peace as you go through life. I may get frustrated with my siblings (especially the ones who voted for Trump!), but my life would not be complete without them.

Peace!

[hatrack]

38. God, horrible situation . . . .

I sympathize and understand, and I can't blame you for excising your siblings.

They sound callous and cruel and whatever pain you're enduring now may, in the long run, be worth it.

They may share your DNA, but if they're that uncaring, why should they share your life?

[handmade34]

29. My father

passed on July 31. He had dementia and I had quit my job months earlier to care for him as my brother was living in Michigan. My brother had been distant in our life for many years but I kept him up to date on Dad's status. My brother drove out a week before he passed (just in time for our Dad to recognize him) and I made sure he was with our dad the moment he died. I gave my brother the gift of closure and have no regrets or resentments. I have always figured we make our choices and for the most part we all do what we can... I was the strong one and willingly took the responsibility.

I will say though that I am eternally grateful to my father because he choose to end his life by refusing food and water... he was tired and life was too difficult for him to bear... he saved himself and all of us years of difficulty and pain as he was otherwise relatively healthy physically...

[ATL Ebony]

30. I had a younger brother who felt his only responsiblity was to visit our mom and give orders . . .

to me and others sharing in my mom's care. I called him out on it and explained that we're all working as was he but he needed to step up efforts to help with her care or step back and STFU. He's now deceased but after my mom's death I was initially bitter but soon let it all go. I am a firm believer that you reap what you sow and a battle with him after the fact was too much negative energy. BTW, I was also there for my brother during his illness and at his bedside in his final days.

Sending positive thoughts to you Lucky Charms if you're struggling with issues over siblings non-assistance. If that's an issue, please don't hold a grudge and try to release any negative feelings. At times, it can be all consuming -- if you can, talk to your sibling(s) about how you feel, then let it go!

Hope this helps.

[coolsandy]

31. No siblings. I am an only child but my cousins faced many problems with their siblings.

[chia]

32. Yes, and years after the passing, it's still raw

That time was so difficult. It broke me in ways I never anticipated.

No, the relationship with the sibling isn't better after, and I expect it will be even worse when the second parent passes and the modest estate is settled.

I don't want to say more than that on a public board, but I hope it brings some comfort to you to know you're not alone.

[imanamerican63]

33. My mother took care of her mother for 3 years. I helped when I could.

My mother was torn with the fact that my grandmother's care at a nursing was adequate and was worried for her health and safety. Back in 2002, my mother, her brother and sisters decided to find my grandmother a nice place that would take care her needs. Having Alzheimer and Dementia, she could not live by herself. They found a great place in the very beginning, but slowly it was not such a good place. She was 88 yrs old when my mother moved her with my mother and I. The task was a bit overwhelming, but my mother never complained and did her very best to make my grandmother's last years as good as possible. My grandmother's condition worsened within a year or so. She fell and broke her hip and after that it was not long before she passed away. My mother often said that she wished she would have had my grandmother living with her sooner. She always felt that my grandmother would have been better care. Although most of the time was pain staking for both of them, My mother did what she thought was the best. My grandmother passed away in 2007. Not much to my story, but if I said everything about what I saw and my mother had to do? I would take me a week to tell everything.

If you are thinking of do this? I will say may God be with you and that it will be a life experience and will possibly a life changing journey. Best of luck.

[hatrack]

37. Primary for my Dad, but in large measure because of geography . . .

This was a (roughly) two-year process, one hospitalization, and then a short hospitalization/terminal diagnosis about 20 months later. Other than that, he was living independently, and doing pretty well for his age (90).

My brother (about 3,000 miles away) was available in large blocks, after the initial hospitalization and for much of the last two weeks of Dad's life, while I did the more day-to-day stuff in between.

I never resented the ongoing demands on my time during that period for routine care, or for that matter, taking care of things at the end; there have never been any negative repercussions as a result.

We were able to do in-home health care and in-home hospice (a Godsend in both cases), and I should stress that I'm well aware of just how fortunate we were, compared with what your situation sounds like.

We were lucky, and if there's a good death, it's what our father experienced.

[Trust Buster]

39. URGENT: I know this is long but I am in desperate need of emotional support and advice

My 8 year experience of being a sole caregiver for my mother as she progressed through the dementia/Alzheimer’s decline ended in late May with her passing. I have three brothers. Two live out of state and one lives locally. I was a star in their eyes as I was forfeiting 8 prime earning years to stay at home and care for our mother. Two of the three brothers still deeply appreciate my sacrifice. But, in the eyes of my oldest brother, who lives in Florida, I magically transformed from “star” to “devil” from the very moment my mother passed in May.

This brother, because he is the oldest, also happens to be the executor of my mother’s estate. He converted to Southern Baptist/Prosperity Bible many years ago. He is an addicted FOX viewer. I think you all know where I am going with this. I never asked for a dollar from him during my care for our mother. I wouldn’t consider charging my mother a caregiver fee. I cared for her out of love and wished to preserve her financial assets, IRA’s and savings bonds, for when her Alzheimer’s reduced her to her most vulnerable period. Therefore, I lived off my savings for 8 years and was approaching being penniless at the time of my mother’s passing. All my brothers understood my deteriorating financial health.

This brother did not accept me or my mother because we would not convert to his religious and political beliefs. When I first noticed the signs of my mother’s Alzheimer’s 8 years ago, my brother and SnL visited from Florida. Instead of noticing the signs, he laughed at my mother’s limitations and embarrassed her in the process. Then, when my mother would’t respond to his political baiting, he blew up, stood aside of her chair, put a finger in my 77 year old mother’s face and chastised her for her religious and political beliefs before storming out the door. At that time my mother wanted to change the will giving the house to me and removing my oldest brother as the executor because she feared how he would treat me after her death. I have since found a written and signed testimonial in the house that my mother penned expressing her wishes that I be left with the house, the furnishings and her car but it was not witnessed by anyone. It was common knowledge between all my brothers that my mother wished to leave the house to me. In addition to caring for her during her last 8 years, I have lived and cared for her in a general sense since my father passed in 1993. I did not schedule an appointment with an attorney at that time because I did not want my brothers to think that I had coerced their mother in any way. As it turns out, my mother was wise and I should have supported her efforts 8 years ago to change her will.

My issues with this oldest brother began in April before my mother died. At that time, I had no choice but to place my mother in a nursing home for the last month and a half of her life because the Cleveland Clinic hospice nurse coming into our home believed she needed around the clock care. My brother flew up from Florida and visited my mother in the nursing home. He did not sit aside of her, nor touch her, nor feed her which was required. I did that while he sat at the end of her bed watching FOX and trying to bait me politically as I spoon fed our mother. At that time we thought that she would live months longer and the need to sign up for Medicaid after the nursing home had swallowed up her financial assets was a distinct possibility. The government exempted the house from the Medicaid drawdown because of the 2 year caregiving requirement that I had met. My brother spent that 3 day weekend in my mother’s room trying to convince me to apply her IRA’s to the nursing home care and hide the savings bonds and then sign up for Medicaid under penalty of perjury. I would be the one to do that because I was my mother’s power of attorney assignee. We all agreed that I should quit claim the house in order to take it out of the estate. My brother wanted me to hide the savings bonds from the government so that he could benefit from his $10,000 share. This would have me staring down the barrel of a potential Medicaid fraud charge. It was at that time that I realized that my brother valued $10,000 over my freedom. And this after I had already sacrificed 8 years of my life. I refused to comply with his Medicaid fraud scheme. She died before a Medicaid application was necessary.

Then, my mother passed at the end of May. My power of attorney rights extinguished and my brother’s executor rights were born. He felt it necessary to hold court on the weekend of the funeral. He demanded that I forfeit my share of the bonds in the estate in lieu of my receiving the house. My head was swirling that weekend because my conscious mind understood my mother had passed but my subconscious mind after 8 years of caregiving was having a hard time reconciling my mother’s passing. So I agreed to forfeit my share of the bonds. Then he demanded that we set a date to empty the furnishings of the house into the driveway and sell it off leaving me with four walls and a roof. To stave this off I had to pay him his inflated 1/4 share for the furnishings and the car all but leaving me broke.

Since then, he has demanded that I take out a home equity loan to pre-pay him for his share of the bonds instead of waiting for probate to close. In return he would effectively sell the executorship to me. I refused to get a loan. Now he is demanding that I cover the full cost of his estate lawyers fees and his inflated executor’s fee or he will challenge the deed to the house. He keeps using his executor priviledge to extort every dime he can get out of me with the threat of challenging the deed hanging over my head. Me and my other two brothers believe that, when he thinks that he has fleeced me of every dime, he will probably challenge the deed anyway.

It has been hard enough dealing with my mother’s passing, shutting down her affairs, the headstone work, donating her clothing all while looking for a job. Having had to live the past 4 months with the threat that I could end up homeless and penniless at the age of 57 absolutely petrifies me. I was a star in my brother’s eyes when sacrifice was required. Since the day my mother died and a small amount of money hangs in the balance, I’m now the devil. My two other brothers are not communicating with my oldest brother because they are disgusted. I don’t have that luxury because I must send him estate related materials to him as required by probate. This has been total torture. I have never dealt with such a cold hearted human being in my life. There seems to be no light at the end of this tunnel. I foolishly thought that, when my responsibilities towards my mother ended, I would be able to move on and focus on rebuilding my life. My brother will not let me do that. I am so terribly depressed and helpless. So yes LuckyCharms, I have had a little experience at this.

[ismnotwasm]

40. I worked in long term care for eleven years

We would see variations of these kinds of stories, the worst one having little to do with money, but end of life care. The patient had remarried a much younger women, alienated his first family, and subsequently had a stroke. His new wife made his medical decisions for him, dispite an earlier living will. She wanted everything done to keep him alive, per his earlier wishes he would have wanted to be a no code. Perhaps it did have to do with money, I don’t know what was in the will. I know the man suffered a lot.

Anyway, what I saw, there was very often a primary sibling who seemed to take on the responsibilities of caregiving, sometimes with a spouse. Family dynamics during these times can be extremely tense, and what may have been a personity quick in a person suddenly becomes a horrible personal trait. For instance, there were a pair of upper middle class, well educated sisters, one lived close to their mom and made decisions for her. But her sister who lived out of state ended up sending ME a care package of clothes and such, because her sibling would not have allowed the gift. It was weird

I think being the primary support in these situations is one of the most emotionally exhausting things ever, and so often it’s not just thankless, but in cases like yours damaging to the heart.

[LuckyCharms]

42. TRUST BUSTER...

I'm certainly no expert, but I have been the executor of an estate for a relative other than my mother. My sibling was the executor for my mom, and I had the power of attorney. My sibling was only able to manage to control the last few dollars of the estate, since my mom had next to nothing.

Considering the above disclaimer about my experience in these matters, here is what I would intuitively do in your situation.

1) Immediately cut all emotional ties with the "bad" brother. Treat him with "no contact". Do not, under any circumstances, speak to him, about anything. Do not open any snail mail or email from him. Block his phone number. Block him on social media. Do not talk on social media about the situation at all. If he somehow manages to get through to you somehow, remove yourself immediately without saying a word.

2) I will have to re-read your post because I'm trying to get an answer to you here quickly. I am not sure if you mentioned if you have the resources to lawyer up, but if you do...please do that immediately. Have your lawyer draft a letter to your brother which communicates your desire to be free from contact with him. The letter should state also that anything that you are required to provide to your brother via the estate is to be requested formally from your lawyer, and not you directly.

3) Make sure that you have anything and everything related to your mother's wishes subsequent to the time she wrote her will. Documentation is key.

4) See if you can get your other 2 brothers to rally around you. You will need emotional support from them. Also, if your lawyer recommends it, see if they are willing to sign an affidavit which details your care giving responsibilities, as well as your mother's wishes.

5) Try to re-create a journal from memory as to the time spent performing care giving duties for your mom. This is not as good as a contemporaneous journal, but it is better than nothing.

6) Your lawyer can steer you further at this point. Do NOT speak to your brother, about ANYTHING.

I will go re-read your post later this afternoon to see if you mentioned anything about not having the resources to hire a lawyer. If this is the case however, I'm not sure what advice I can offer, because trying to navigate estate disputes without representation is very difficult.

Good luck, friend. It will be OK. You just have a fight on your hands, but you can win it.

[Trust Buster]

43. Thank you LuckyCharms. My resources are very limited w/respect to attorney fees.

My brother knows that and he seems to be taking advantage of that. My two other brothers are firmly with me and have stopped responding themselves to my brother’s emails out of pure disgust. I am hoping to land a job soon to improve my financial strength.

[LuckyCharms]

44. I would try to see what sort of legal aid might be available to you.

I hope someone else can chime in on this, because I'm not too familiar with this type of thing.

Your brother is going to try to manipulate you anyway he can. That is why complete silence is important. Do not give him any ammunition.

Take things slow and steady. Eat well. Make sure your mental health does not deteriorate. You have to remember that you were the good son. You did the right and moral thing. You can hold your head up.

Maybe you can convince your brothers to help you out financially in terms of retaining legal representation? I don't think that something like this would be hugely expensive.

I understand everything you are going through. If I think of anything else, I will post to you. I find that in cases like this, somehow, someway, it comes back to bite the "bad" sibling because they are wrong. Your brother is trying to damage you for money. Don't let him. I know how I would handle him, but I can't type it on the internet. Hang tough...it is a pain, but it is not an impossible fix, nor an extremely costly fix.

[Trust Buster]

54. Thank you LuckyCharms

[erinlough]

41. Reading this brings many memories and thankfulness.

My sister and I were caregivers for my oldest sister who died in 2005, my mother in 2007 and my father 9 months later. We shared primary caregiving, appointments, even learned how to do peritoneal dialysis for my father. My other sister was less able to help due to her job, but filled in when she could. I looked at it as my own decision, I chose it so what anyone else decided to do it was ok with me.
The important thing for me was having someone to talk to about it, to laugh or cry and to say the things you wouldn’t say in public. I was and have always been lucky to have a best friend relationship with my sister. We walked daily for about a half an hour and would laugh about the crazy things that happened, and rage about some of the maddening things. I hope you have someone to talk to. If not contact local hospice and see if they can help you connect with a group or person.
Initially I felt like I had no choice, these loved ones needed help and I was their nearest relative, however when I watched a cousin put her mom in a nursing home and simply move away, I realized I was making a choice of my own. Once I accepted that this was my own choice it made it easier somehow. I hope you find peace with your decision.

[kpete]

45. LuckyCharms

I am knee deep into this

My mother passed earlier this year. My highly dysfunctional family actually got through this very well.
We somehow were able to rally our concerns and for the first time in 60 some years, we actually agreed on almost everything and are closer than we ever were growing up.

Mostly, we wanted my father who is 95 to have a situation where he was comfortable after 7 years of being my mother's primary care-giver. We fought hard with my mother to put her into Assisted Living and give my dad some rest. For the last 7 years it has been back and forth, rehab-assisted living-home. Now, she is gone, and my father is actually doing really well. We are listening to his wishes and trying to understand his needs. Tough, but easier than it was when mom was still alive.


This week, it is my mother-in-law, a wonderful woman of 96. She had been highly functional until a week ago. She developed a UTI and has had several complications. She is in the hospital, but we are trying to move her to Skilled Nursing and then Assisted Living. She has been living in a Senior Residence, where she has made friends. We hate to move her, but she needs more care, as her eyes, ears, body fail her more and more.

This is what has surprised me most. My husband (mr pete is an amazing husband & son) is getting little help from his sisters. They simply cannot find the time. They had a mother who is not a saint, but certainly has loved her family unconditionally. The fact that they can feel comfortable letting their brother (and sister-in-law) make decisions, write checks and be the liason between drs, nurses, staff, physical therapist, ins, etc --- has me in a fit.

Here is a family with very little dysfunction (I have been with them for 47 years) cannot muster the energy or spirit to join us in their mother's care is beyond the pale for me.


Your post gave me an opportunity to vent. Much of my frustration is raw as well. I believe both my father and my mother-in-law deserve their children's help. I am proud to say my brothers and I have stepped up to the plate and we all feel good about it. My husband's family, who have been loved, cherished and never abandoned need to rally to their brother's side.

anyway,
peace,
kp

[LuckyCharms]

47. Oh kpete...

I'm doing my best not to respond to individual posts...but yours hit home when talking about your husband.

I am sorry to read about your M-I-L's UTI. Those things are frightening in the elderly.

You and your husband take care of yourselves please. Take care of your minds. I'm still waking up in full throated screams at 3:00 AM cursing out my family.

Hugs to you and your family.

[peggysue2]

46. My mother-in-law

died this March, having lived with us for 18 months. It was a hard move after her husband died of colon cancer but everyone agreed she was not capable of living on her own. Meant uprooting an 88-year old woman from her home in Pennsylvania then moving her 700 miles south, to a region and state with which she had no connection. She missed her church, her friends, her neighbors. And, of course, her husband of 70 years.

That being said, the first year went pretty well, far better than I expected. My mother-in-law was a very anxious person, so every medical appointment was filled with angst and complaint. We converted our first floor dining room into a bedroom and remodeled the downstairs powder room into a full bath. She had problems navigating stairs. But our biggest problem was getting her to move, as in get up out the chair she sat and slept in 24/7. That was difficult, made me feel like a continuos nag, aways suggesting she move around.

I'm convinced her death was a combination of being sedentary and a bad drug reaction, a drug her cardiologist had suggested she stop. The last six months were difficult, the last six weeks miserable.

My husband has one brother who was not very involved with the family. In fact, there was a huge split 30 years ago with his parents. Recently, he called to tell my husband that his mother promised him 50% of the proceeds on the family home. My husband was executor on the will and the will was specific--all assets were left to my husband. It was a small estate; even the house built in the 30s isn't worth much. The property in Delaware County is worth more than the structure.

Needless to say, my brother-in-law was not a happy camper with the news.

[LuckyCharms]

48. Isn't it something?

How people come out of the woodwork to see how they can benefit after not being around for years.

[peggysue2]

49. Sadly . . .

that seems too often to be the case. Not sure how this is all going to work out. But my brother-in-law was pissed and resents that our youngest son is living in the old home now. He's living there and care taking the property until we move back to the area. Then once our son makes other arrangements, we'll put the property up for sale. My husband is back and forth on the matter. I would not be surprised if he offers his brother part of the proceeds through gifting.

The main thing for me is this: my brother-in-law lives in Delaware County, only about five minutes away. He could have offered some resolution/assistance to his mother before we had to uproot her from everything she knew and loved. But he didn't. So . . .

Things can get really ugly after a parent's death.

[Duppers]

50. My poor brother is shouldering 80%

Of my 92yo mother's care.

LuckyCharms, this may not help you since my mother's is not yet dying, but this is about an ongoing and sad family dynamic.

My brother and my sister live within 50 miles of mom and I'm almost 500 miles away. Although not dying yet but creeping farther into dementia, our mother is too demanding (always has been) and my sister is too self-absorbed. So my poor brother shoulders the burden of caring for our demanding, narcissistic mother.

My hubs and I were extremely estranged from her decades ago. We are on opposite sides of every subject you can imagine with her. I send checks to help with her financial load....and to my brother. I listen to his burdens and am sympathetic.

I would help more but my hubby forbids it. He is livid with my mother's attitude about a personal matter of ours.

It's a sad situation and is shortening my brother's life, I fear. He has had a heart attack and has gone back to smoking just to cope with his anger. Mom was in a care facility very shortly after a fall but they threw her out! Yes, she's that bad!

My brother says he'll never speak to our sister once our mother's meager estate is settled. I cannot blame him.

Sad situation.

[Zoonart]

51. I'm just at the tail end of this experience

that has consumed the last four years of my life. I was giving care to my parents in an other state, about a two hour drive away. Dad had dementia, suffered a massive stroke and lingered in a nursing home for two and a half years. During that time I went a couple of times a week to take mom to the home and visit.
Mom was, herself a shut in, with COPD and leukemia. I took care of all of the paperwork, doctors, everything. My brother living 20 minutes away in the same state as my parents was an infrequent visitor. After Dad passed a year and a half ago, Mom began a downward health spiral involving emergency hospital stays, Rehabilitation Hospitals and, in the end, 24hr at home aides and Hospice. I took care of all of it. Mom passed September 15 and my brother and I made arrangements together. We are currently working on the estate. I don't know how tight we will be going forward. My brother and I were not very tight to begin with. We could not be more different in how we live our lives and also politically. I try to not be too angry, (anger makes me a very bad Buddhist)
as virtually everyone I know tells the same story:
One sibling always gets the responsibility of taking care of the parents.

My brother's behavior was expected. He is pretty closed down emotionally and I think he was in denial. I grabbed the reins because I wanted to see things get done. I am trying to let it go of all of it. Wish me luck as I wish you Luck too.

[ghostsinthemachine]

52. I did that. My brother split

My dad was quite mad. My brother moved away. A long ways away. My Mom was alive as well. My Dad went on a few more years, tormenting everyone. No one would stop him. The cops wouldn't arrest him, the judge wouldn't stop him. He refused to be diagnosed. Without diagnosis from a professional, you have no legal recourse.

My Dad died in ,2008. My Mom hobbled for thirty Years, couldn't walk. Stand for long. Was deaf.
She always told me she wanted two years without my Dad. I gave her four.
She was suddenly broke. We had to move. I finally got on IHSS and began to get paid. But that was tough too.

She fly to see my brother. We went to South Carolina, but she broke her leg on her last day there. She recovered but after, in and out of hospitals for heart. She was 87. The last days, I called my brother. He said he want coming out. I dealt with all the actual questions about her life..and death...(you are the death panel) .

After, I was glad he wasn't around. I just went boom boom boom, closing the apartment, selling this and that and all of that. No arguments.

[ghostsinthemachine]

53. I am in the same hospital

My Mom died in at the moment. Small procedure and I've been there for my esophageal surgery and other ailments.