BREAKING: Trump Issues "In Perpetuity" Pardons For All Trump Children (Except Tiffany)

[Miles Archer]

Breaking news...no link yet.

On a break between rounds of golf at his Virginia golf course on Saturday, President Donald Trump issued "in perpetuity" pardons for his children Donald Jr, Eric, Ivanka, and Barron. Trump wore a broad grin as he informed the press that "They didn't do it, they're not going to do it, but if they do, I've got them covered. The news took many by surprise at arrived on the heels of revelations that Ivanka Trump left the family foundation off of her federal disclosure forms.

The Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines "in perpetuity" as "forever, forevermore, permanently, for always, for good, perpetually, for ever and ever, for all time, until the end of time, until hell freezes over, eternally, for eternity, everlastingly."

When asked why Tiffany was not included on his list of pardons, Trump replied "Tiffany who?"

When asked to comment, White House Chief of Staff John Kelly told reporters that it was a fair, just, Constitutional and Presidential decision. "This president cares about one thing only, making America great again, and comforting grieving war widows. Wait. That's two things. He only cares about two things."

Barron Trump could not be reached for comment.

[Eliot Rosewater]

1. I am a conservative voter and I support my candidate even if he decimates the constitution

and the country, as long as it is a white he doing it.

that about says it all

[spanone]

2. lock. his. sorry. ass. up.

again, kelly is trump's stooge.

[highplainsdem]

3. LOL! Great satire! I thought at first this was Borowitz or The Onion,

but when I googled a quote from your "article" I just found your thread.

[jberryhill]

4. Look, we already know people are gullible

[ATL Ebony]

5. Gave me palpatations that went off the chart!