Thong-Clad Driver Was Covered In Vaseline

[left-of-center2012]

New 2017 Police Report of the Year candidate

An Oklahoma motorist was covered in Vaseline and wearing only a thong bikini when a patrolman pulled over his vehicle for speeding, according to a court filing which notes that a porno magazine was atop the passenger seat.

After initiating a vehicle stop last Sunday afternoon in Enid, a Garfield County Sheriff's Office deputy approached the car and spotted "a nearly naked white male driver" behind the wheel.

The driver, John Wayne Kellerman, 54, “had a bikini thong covering his genitals” and had Vaseline “covering his hands, upper and lower body parts,” noted Deputy Darryl Beebe. The cop also reported observing an “opened jar of Vaseline that was nearly empty” and a “pornographic magazine in the passenger seat.”

Kellerman, not surprisingly, was “extremely nervous in a manner that his hands were shaking and his voice was trembling,” reported Beebe, to whom Kellerman handed a Vaseline-streaked ID card as a means of identification.

When asked if he had been masturbating while driving, Kellerman (seen above) copped to the autoeroticism.

At one point, Kellerman offered Beebe “a rag to wipe the Vaseline off of the ID card.” The deputy, however, “refused Kellerman’s ‘semen rag’ and returned to his patrol car,” according to a probable cause affidavit that should be bronzed.

Kellerman was subsequently arrested after a check revealed that his license had been revoked (and had not been valid since 1985). Kellerman has spent most of the past 27 years in state prison on an assortment of charges, including narcotics possession, domestic assault, auto theft, burglary, and escape from confinement.

Kellerman was arraigned Thursday for speeding and driving with a revoked license and freed on $1000 bond.

A police sergeant tasked with completing an inventory of Kellerman’s GMC auto noted that “the drivers area in the vehicle was extremely greasy due to the Vaseline.”

[MineralMan]

1. Weird...

I have no further comment...

[left-of-center2012]

3. Smooth operator

[Nevernose]

2. Hooray for meth!

Guaranteed to make bad decision making worse.

[NightWatcher]

4. It's Arlo Guthrie!!!

[Brother Buzz]

5. Last time Florida Man is going to visit Oklahoma

[flotsam]

6. Seems familiar...

[LuckyCharms]

7. That's...that's MY DAD!!! n/t

[kwassa]

8. "The deputy, however, refused Kellermans semen rag and returned to his patrol car, according to "

"The deputy, however, “refused Kellerman’s ‘semen rag’ and returned to his patrol car,” according to a probable cause affidavit that should be bronzed. "

[jberryhill]

9. That will ruin leather seats if you dont get that off there

I had to learn that one the hard way.

[Kaleva]

10. His parents expected more from a child they named John Wayne

[Wounded Bear]

11. We are truly in a TMI age...

[Kaleva]

13. This is why advanced alien civilizations refuse to make contact with us.

[ProudLib72]

12. Inquiring minds want to know

Had he kidnapped Pickle? Was he keeping Pickle in his budgie smuggler?

It puts the lotion on its skin
Or else it gets the hose again