Millions Disappointed It Wasnt Jared

[madokie]

Satire from The Borowitz Report

By Andy Borowitz

12:00 P.M.

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Amid the general jubilation over the arrest of Paul Manafort on Monday, millions of Americans reported extreme disappointment that the first person arrested from Robert Mueller’s Russia probe was not Jared Kushner. Across the country, downcast Americans commiserated over the news that their choice for Mueller’s first indictment had been overlooked.

“I know it makes me sound petty, since today is a day of national celebration,” Harland Dorrinson, who had been holding a Kushner-arrest-watch party in suburban Toledo, said. “But for a lot of us who had had our hopes set on Jared, today is bittersweet.”

Tracy Klugian, who watched news of Manafort’s arrest from her home in San Jose, agreed. “Don’t get me wrong, I’m thrilled that Manafort’s being brought in,” she said. “But he’s no Jared.”

Davis Logsdon, a clinical psychologist at the University of Minnesota Medical Center, said that he is counselling patients who are dealing with the “severe emotional letdown” of the first person arrested not being Jared.

“I’m urging them to see this disappointment as an opportunity for growth,” Logsdon said. “It’s true that none of the first three arrests was Jared, but we have to live with that reality. And, perhaps, if we are patient, the fourth, fifth, or even fiftieth arrest will be Jared.”

https://www.newyorker.com/humor/borowitz-report/millions-disappointed-it-wasnt-jared?mbid=nl_103017%20Borowitz%20Newsletter%20

[Iggo]

1. Patience, Millions.

Patience.

[madokie]

3. We can Hope

and for those who do, Pray

Most corrupt administration this country has ever had in its 200 plus years of existence

[BigmanPigman]

2. If it were a family member

the fucking moron would've known and had an unmistakable meltdown.

[madokie]

5. He'll wind up a big ass puddle of

pus on the marble floor of the whitehouse. I'll happily chip in to pay to have the marble replaced if necessary

[smirkymonkey]

6. Sooner or later, it will be. We just need to have patience.

Also, Jared is being investigated by the Maryland State AG, and possibly NY AG Schneidermann - who is also after Trump himself.

[BigmanPigman]

7. Isn't it for getting money from his tenants

in an illegal and harassing way? The moron's dad Fred used to get into legal trouble for the same sort of activities I think. I hope NY, MD, and DC take turns screwing them all to the wall.

[smirkymonkey]

10. Yes, and he even pursued many of them to the point of causing them to serve

jail time. He issued civil arrest warrants to pressure his tenants into paying rent and other debts. He was a complete slumlord and his properties were not maintained well, or barely at all. There were many complaints of failed appliances, mold, and rodent/insect infestations - which he did nothing to remedy.

[BigmanPigman]

11. I'vehemently seen photos of Fred and he looks like a rat

so perhaps the tenants thought that when he came for the rent check he was just another rodent, only slightly larger, and they ignored him like the rest that infested his buildings.

[Gothmog]

4. I love good satire

[LisaL]

8. Count me as one of those.

[ollie10]

9. They are saving the best until last.....

....And Jared is one of the last

[malaise]

12. I am one of them

[procon]

13. Eerily, this is my fantasy, too. I really wanted to see Kushner doing the perp walk. nt

I shall not give up hope that he will still be arrested at a later date.

[BumRushDaShow]

14. Borowitz is no longer "satire"

[robertpaulsen]

15. Mueller will eat Jared with fava beans and a nice Chianti.