Poll: Americans Were Sort of Hoping Mueller Would Arrest Someone New Every Day

[madokie]

By Andy Borowitz

November 2, 2017

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—After a memorable Monday, in which the special counsel announced criminal charges against three men associated with Donald Trump’s campaign, millions of Americans were sort of hoping that Robert Mueller would arrest someone new every day, a new poll indicates.

According to the poll, Monday’s news that Paul Manafort, Rick Gates, and George Papadopoulos had been charged may have unfairly raised Americans’ expectations that Mueller would be generating new arrests at the rate of at least three a day.

“Monday was one of the happiest days of my life,” one poll respondent said. “It started out great with Manafort and Gates, and then, bam, out of nowhere, Papadopoulos. I guess I started hoping all days would be like that.”

Although Jared Kushner and Donald Trump, Jr., continue to be Americans’ most popular picks for the person Mueller arrests next, the poll suggests that, at this point, the indictment-starved public would be willing to settle for a lesser-known figure.

“It doesn’t have to be someone I’ve heard of, like Ivanka or Pence,” one poll respondent said. “I’d be happy with Michael Flynn’s son, and I’m not even clear what he did in all of this.”

Perhaps in response to the poll results, Mueller on Thursday issued the following official statement: “I understand people’s eagerness for more arrests, but all I can say is that if they’re patient we have some new ones coming up that are just amazing.”

https://www.newyorker.com/humor/borowitz-report/poll-americans-were-sort-of-hoping-mueller-would-arrest-someone-new-every-day?mbid=nl_110217%20Borowitz%20Newsletter%20

[Wwcd]

1. Such a pleasure to read Borowitz.

[madokie]

2. A good way to start the day

[ecstatic]

3. If possible, can John kelly be arrested too? For being a lying asshole?

I'm sure his post-prison tales would be just as, if not more, entertaining than the stories (LIES) he comes up with now. Besides, he'd probably enjoy hanging out with the honorable Nazi types while behind bars. I'm sure they'd protect him from any empty barrels he might encounter.

[nocalflea]

4. LoL. So true.

Hell, I want them brought in for arraignment by the busloads. Every damn day. Seriously.

[bucolic_frolic]

5. Bumper Banter: ARREST MORE REPUBLICANS

[dlk]

6. There Certainly Enough Criminals in the Trump Administration to Satisfy this Desire!

[Nitram]

7. We have very short attention spans and an inexhaustible need to be entertained.

Here we are now, entertain us
I feel stupid and contagious
Here we are now, entertain us
A mulatto, an Albino
A mosquito, my libido, yeah

[IronLionZion]

8. Only 1? Not sure we have enough days each year for that

Either way, I'm looking forward to it. This is better than watching sports