An EXCLUSIVE (because I wrote it) transcript of Robert Mueller's interrogation of Michael Flynn

[Miles Archer]

No link yet...breaking news.

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SCENE: Headquarters for Robert Muller's Russia Investigation

MUELLER: Mr. Flynn, you know why you are here today, correct?

FLYNN: YES! You are interviewing all of the completely innocent people in President Trump's administration to see if they might have some valuable information that could lead you to the OTHERS who broke the LAW.

MUELLER: No, actually, I am here to tell you that we have uncovered some extremely incriminating evidence regarding your activity with Russia and other foreign powers during the Trump campaign.

FLYNN: WHO? MEEEEEEEE?

(PHONE RINGS)

MUELLER: HOW DID HE GET HIS CELL PHONE IN HERE?

FLYNN: Oh, my bad. I had it hidden in my ass.

MUELLER: BUT WE HAVE METAL DETECTORS!

FLYNN: This is a special all-plastic phone I bought in Moscow, designed to fit comfortably up my ass and help me avoid metal detectors.

MUELLER: Mr. Flynn, can you now understand why you have become a person of interest in my investigation?

FLYNN: Because I'm an interesting person?

MUELLER: Please turn your cell phone off.

FLYNN: Okee Dokee. Done deal. Always willing to cooperate with the FBI.

(PHONE MAKES LOUD VIBRATING SOUND)

MUELLER: I TOLD YOU TO TURN IT OFF!

FLYNN: Oh, I thought you said "Put it on vibrate and put it back up your ass."

MUELLER: NO!

FLYNN: Oh, OK...wait a second, maybe I'd better grab this. Caller ID says "Two Scoops 45." That's President Trump, it must be very important.

MUELLER: This is HIGHLY IRREGULAR! He has been known to attempt to influence matters such as this!

FLYNN: President Trump? Why, no. He told me just the other day that if I committed any crime, the only clear path for me was to tell the truth and accept the legal consequences.

MUELLER: (sigh) OK, I will allow it this one time only.

FLYNN: Mr. President!

TRUMP: MIKEY! You hanging in there? Put me on speaker phone.

FLYNN: OK Mr. President.

TRUMP: HIIIIIIIIIIIII, Bob! Are you having a nice day?

MUELLER: Mr. President, this is HIGHLY IRREGULAR, and I am in the middle of an investigation!

TRUMP: Really? Who are you investigating?

MUELLER: Mr. President, that is classified information!

TRUMP: Even from MEEEEEEEE? You know, Bob, I'm the President. The 45th! Many of my loyal followers call me "Colt 45," except they keep spelling it with a "D" instead of a "C" by mistake. You know, loyalty is very important to me, Bob.

MUELLER: Mr. President, did you call me to ask me to take a LOYALTY OATH?

TRUMP: "ASK" is a pretty strong word, Bob. You just seem like a very loyal guy to me, and I was just giving credit where credit is due.

MUELLER: Mr. President, I need to end this call and get back to my investigation.

TRUMP: Oh, I understand completely, Bobby. Listen, would you like to have dinner with me? Just you and me. You like steak? I love it. Crispy and chewy and smothered in ketchup. You like golf? You into chicks? You like to bet on the ponies?

MUELLER: Goodbye, President Trump.

TRUMP: But Bo... (call disconnects)

MUELLER: Now, Mr. Flynn, I would like for you to answer some questions.

FLYNN: I'm here to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the tr....

(Phone vibrates)

MUELLER: NOT AGAIN!

FLYNN: Better catch this. It's a call from "Shirtless Rider."

MUELLER: SHIRTLESS RIDER?

FLYNN: Hi, Vlad!

PUTIN: DOSVEDANYA!

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