Consent Is Important To Me
I never want to violate someone's consent and I am a woman. I am aware of the issues that come along with consent violation. As Demgurl (I am unable to get into my old account), I wrote about one of my rapes. I try not to walk the line. Instead, I try to always stay on the legal side of it.
I told my 15 year old son he always needs to ask if he has permission to do something. He thought that was lame and that he can always 'read a person's body language". I told him that is fine until you realize you can't and then it is too late. You never take chances, you always ask permission for everything because there is nothing as sexy as an enthusiastic yes!
I throw a lot of parties and take precautions to make sure no one's consent is violated. I take a look at people's friend's lists and choose folks off of that. I tell them my parties are consent oriented and will their friend be a good fit. If I get one person saying no, I investigate why. If I get two people who say no, you are legally not allowed on my property. Seriously, I tell people if they show up, it will be considered trespassing and the cops will be called.
But people cannot be expected to follow your rules if you do not make them clear. I put out brochures I have written up. I lay them on the table and if you attend one of my parties, it is required reading. It states that 'no' is always a no and you are not allowed to try and persuade someone otherwise because that is still a no. It says a yes is not always a yes. Some people have a hard time saying no because they are pleasers. Some folks do not want to be a bad guy and hurt other people by saying no. This is where I tell folks to watch another person and if they seem hesitant about playing, or they seem like they cannot make up their mind, you are always to put the ball in their court. You tell them you can see they are thinking about it and to feel free to take as long as they like. Know that you want to play with them and they can approach you at any time. This gives the power to the other person. They can never approach you again. They can speak up and say they really do want to play. They can play with other folks and not worry about the original person.
This is empowering people who normally do not feel empowered. It is making sure you are getting a real 'yes' and not forcing someone into an answer. And I put forth that if I hear of anyone being forced into anything, I will happily escort the victim to the police station and encourage them to press charges. Oh! And the violator, of course, will never be allowed back on my property!
You see, I believe in consent. I want another person to want to play with me or possibly even have sex with me as much as I want to play or have sex with them.
My boyfriend and I were once bringing my best friend into our bedroom. I knew this girl had been sexually assaulted for a year and did not speak up. I knew she had problems saying no. I never wanted her to feel anything was being forced on her. I say down at the dining room table and talked to her for ten minutes before we ever went to the bedroom. I told her that not only is a 'no' acceptable, it is wanted if she did not care to do something. I explained I would check in with her every step of the way to insure she was still ok with what was happening. And if she did stop us, I would ask her if she wanted it completely stopped or if she wanted us to take a few steps back and do what we were had earlier. She was told if she said no there would be no rolling of eyes. I would not give a great big sigh. I would till be friends with her afterwards and still speak with her the next day. I explained all of this and more. When we moved to the bedroom, we had a lot of fun and she knew she was in safe hands. I checked in with her every step of the way because, when you are consent oriented, that is what you do.
Does it seem nerdy? Not to me. Consent is never nerdy. When I tell people what I want to do with them, they are flattered I am attracted enough to want to play. I do not want to play with anyone who just says yes for the sake of not letting me down. The energy will not be as good as it would with someone who truly wants to be there.
I have been throwing parties for a couple of years now and I have not had a single consent violation reported to me. Does all of this stuff seem like overkill? Maybe to you. For me, it comes down to respect. I respect people enough not to want to leave the emotional scars that consent violations can leave. Consent violations can leave people feeling bad about themselves. Depending how bad the violation was, it can end in suicide.
Forcing yourself on someone is never ok. Consent is important to me and it should be to you as well. we are Democrats. We do not hurt people. We care for them and look out for each other. If those predators cared about other people, they would have asked. Or maybe they didn't ask because they knew exactly what they were doing. They were selfish and only cared about themselves and certainly not the emotional carnage they left behind.