Girl Scouts: Don't force your daughter to hug relatives

[DonViejo]

Source: LGBTQNation




By Alex Bollinger · Sunday, November 26, 2017

The Girls Scouts have an article on their site for the holidays advising parents not to force their daughters to show physical affection if they don’t want to.

The article says that telling your kid to kiss their aunt or uncle could be sending the wrong message to a little girl: that her feelings about who she touches and who touches her don’t matter.

The Girl Scouts’ developmental psychologist Andrea Bastiani Archibald said, “The notion of consent may seem very grown-up and like something that doesn’t pertain to children, but the lessons girls learn when they’re young about setting physical boundaries and expecting them to be respected last a lifetime, and can influence how she feels about herself and her body as she gets older.”

And it’s not just for the future, either. Most child abusers know their victims and are trusted by parents. “Sadly, we know that some adults prey on children, and teaching your daughter about consent early on can help her understand her rights, know when lines are being crossed, and when to go to you for help.”

Read more: https://www.lgbtqnation.com/2017/11/girl-scouts-dont-force-daughter-hug-relatives/

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Reminder: She Doesn’t Owe Anyone a Hug. Not Even at the Holidays.

Holidays and family get-togethers are a time for yummy food, sweet traditions, funny stories, and lots and lots of love. But they could, without you even realizing it, also be a time when your daughter gets the wrong idea about consent and physical affection.

Have you ever insisted, “Uncle just got here—go give him a big hug!” or “Auntie gave you that nice toy, go give her a kiss,” when you were worried your child might not offer affection on her own? If yes, you might want to reconsider the urge to do that in the future.

Think of it this way, telling your child that she owes someone a hug either just because she hasn’t seen this person in a while or because they gave her a gift can set the stage for her questioning whether she “owes” another person any type of physical affection when they’ve bought her dinner or done something else seemingly nice for her later in life.

“The notion of consent may seem very grown-up and like something that doesn’t pertain to children,” says Girl Scouts’ developmental psychologist Dr. Andrea Bastiani Archibald, “but the lessons girls learn when they’re young about setting physical boundaries and expecting them to be respected last a lifetime, and can influence how she feels about herself and her body as she gets older. Plus, sadly, we know that some adults prey on children, and teaching your daughter about consent early on can help her understand her rights, know when lines are being crossed, and when to go to you for help.”

Give your girl the space to decide when and how she wants to show affection. Of course, many children may naturally want to hug and kiss family members, friends, and neighbors, and that’s lovely—but if your daughter is reticent, don’t force her. Of course, this doesn’t give her license to be rude! There are many other ways to show appreciation, thankfulness, and love that don’t require physical contact. Saying how much she’s missed someone or thank you with a smile, a high-five, or even an air kiss are all ways she can express herself, and it’s important that she knows she gets to choose which feels most comfortable to her.

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http://www.girlscouts.org/en/raising-girls/happy-and-healthy/happy/what-is-consent.html

[marble falls]

1. Neither daughters nor sons.

[Ligyron]

3. Thank you.

Yes, males can be victems too.

[TexasProgresive]

5. Even without possible abuse it's just not good to force children to show affection.

My wife and I always let the kids decided if they want to come closer to us. We don't make a thing about it unless some adult gets stupid about it. Usually the kids decide we are OK and we have a chin wag (mindless chatter that sometimes is really rewarding). Consequently many young adults we met as children are more open with us than with their parents.

And the same is how we raised our 4 sons. This is one area that the kids need to be in control.

[Chemisse]

12. Exactly. This whole meme doesn't have to be about sex.

It's about autonomy. It's about treating a child like a little person, with respect for her/his feelings on matters big and small.

I think most responsible and thoughtful parents, in this day and age, understand this.

[marble falls]

6. We had a male member of our family that adults unknowingly put children into his hands...

the kids all knew and kept quiet because the unknowing adults weren't making a scene about it. It was 'normal' and as we grew up we made jokes among ourselves about it and him and made points about protecting our kids from it and never talking about it with our parents, uncles or grandparents.

He eventually went after a kid outside the family and never ever faced the music over any of it. We became passively complicit. Its something my brothers and I are still feeling guilty about fifteen years after he died.

[sarge43]

8. Another thank you

Not only the possibility of victimization, also forcing a child to lie about their feelings. Not all of us are huggy/touchy. Further, a child may not like a person or sense something 'off' about them.

[yurbud]

15. yep

[dembotoz]

2. My personal space is like 6 feet. I hate fake hugs

Very awkward

[exboyfil]

4. I wait for the other party to initiate

Neither of my daughters are huggers. I probably have hugged my niece more, and I see her two-three times a year. I definitely hugged my dad more. He was definitely a hugger.

[The Velveteen Ocelot]

7. I am not a hugger.

I hugged my parents when I was a kid; they were affectionate but not in a pushy way and I don't recall being made to hug relatives I seldom saw. We always hugged Grandma but not so much the seldom-seen aunts and uncles. I find hugging by people I don't know to be very uncomfortable and intrusive and I don't like it at all. Last year I was asked to sing in a choir during the Christmas season (they needed a few more people), which also included several Sunday morning services during Advent. The service included an interlude to greet your neighbor, which many churches do, and to my horror a couple of people I didn't know from Adam walked up to me and hugged me and said something about Jesus or God or peace or some such thing. I didn't mind the Jesus part - it was church, after all - but do not hug me unless you've known me for at least 20 years and preferably are related to me. I'm not ordinarily a churchgoer anyhow, but if I were it wouldn't be that one.

[RobinA]

9. I Come From

an extended family of non-huggers and I didn’t even realize making your kids hug people was a thing. Jeez, people.

I never appreciate the social pressure to hug relative strangers.

[mr_lebowski]

10. So, what ... now 'holiday hugs' ... automatically have sexual i.e. 'consent' ... overtones as well?

My Dog, we on the left have become more obsessed with sex (and righteously proclaiming what's appropriate and what's not with regards to the subject) ... than the friggin' right in the past decade or so.

WRT this subject ... obviously you shouldn't dictate to a kid that he/she needs to give a full-on 'bodies pressed against each other, intimate hug' ... to Uncle Don or whoever, okay? OBVIOUSLY.

But any reasonable/non-sick adult is going to respect whatever kind of hug a child is comfortable with giving them, even if it's just one arm around the neck with minimal touching. And any signs of real inappropriateness on the part of adults should be watched for and addressed, OBVIOUSLY.

But IMHO, there's an important social/familial bonding that goes on between kids and relatives of all ages during family gatherings, esp. around the holidays, and I'm not personally comfortable passing judgment on parents who suggest to their kids to give their relatives hugs when they arrive or when they give them gifts.

The 'will' of children is not the absolute end-all be-all of the universe, ya know? Parents should have some right to 'decide' what they think is appropriate for their kids without a sex-obsessed-do-gooder-thought-police ... invading their home and dictating who gives hugs to who.

Just MHO.

[kimmylavin]

11. It's not about sex.

It's about consent, and about bodily autonomy.
And it's not about what even the reasonable/non-sick adults want.
It's about teaching a child to know what limits they are comfortable with, and to be able to express that.

There is plenty of bonding that goes on between families!
That's why it's lovely when a child runs to a relative for a hug and a kiss.
But there are other ways to greet someone, and if a child doesn't feel comfortable hugging or kissing someone, then they shouldn't be forced to.

One of my cousins - a loud and wonderful woman - pretty much lost out on ever getting affection from my daughter.
I told my cousin to let my daughter go at her own pace, and she ignored me, sweeping my kid up and covering her face with kisses.
Two years later, my daughter still avoids her.

[marble falls]

14. Nobody said no hugs, we're talking about compelling children hug people they do not want to hug.

[Kashkakat v.2.0]

13. Why not as a parent, just suggest how they might greet the relative and then let them

do whatever. I think the message of this article is simply if the kid is not feeling it, then don't force it. Doesnt mean you cant offer prompts or suggestions for how your kid might behave.

Whenever I visit if a kid balks at hugging me I just offer to shake his or her hand - that works for me and they generally laugh and seem ok with that. If I hardly ever see them but once every year or two why would I expect them to be all huggy with me? Makes no sense - would you hug another adult you hardly ever see? I actually feel really awkward as well! A handshake in that case is actually more appropriate way to greet someone you're not all that close to.