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Dear Kobby
Dear KobbyDaily Shouts, The New Yorker, 7/23/17
Dear Kansas Secretary of State Kris Kobach,
I was excited to hear that, as part of your work as vice-chairman of the President’s voter-fraud commission, you’ve requested that every state turn over voters’ names, addresses, Social Security numbers, party affiliations, and voting histories. This is a sensible and not at all frighteningly Orwellian thing to do! But there’s a dark lining to this silver cloud. I’m moving cross-country next month, and I’m worried that I’ll miss your letter notifying me of which Voter Reëducation Camp my family should report to.
My family has been riddled with liberalism for roughly a century, so it goes without saying that when those Reëducation Camps open up we’ll be first in line for Conservative Thought Correction. But I don’t want our notice to get lost in the mail, and I especially don’t want a lost letter to be misinterpreted as Code 1-76 Deliberate Criminal Ideological Resistance. What if some deep-state postal worker ignores my forwarding-address notice? I think you see the bind I’m in.
So, when I send you my voting history, ethno-genetic breakdown, and list of blackmail-appropriate fetishes, should I include my new address or my current address? Any advice would be appreciated. Obviously, I’m eager to conform with any Voter-Thought-Alignment Guidelines you or Father Trump institute.
Also, Secretary Kobach, which sections of the Constitution have been deemed Non-Functionally Over-Democratic? I want to make sure I cross out the right ones, though I suppose we’ll all get copies of the New Constitution at the Reëducation Camp for use during our mandatory daily Revised-Presidential-Truth-Directives Affirmation Session. I can’t wait to get on board with Father Trump’s most recent expression of reality!
I was excited to hear that, as part of your work as vice-chairman of the President’s voter-fraud commission, you’ve requested that every state turn over voters’ names, addresses, Social Security numbers, party affiliations, and voting histories. This is a sensible and not at all frighteningly Orwellian thing to do! But there’s a dark lining to this silver cloud. I’m moving cross-country next month, and I’m worried that I’ll miss your letter notifying me of which Voter Reëducation Camp my family should report to.
My family has been riddled with liberalism for roughly a century, so it goes without saying that when those Reëducation Camps open up we’ll be first in line for Conservative Thought Correction. But I don’t want our notice to get lost in the mail, and I especially don’t want a lost letter to be misinterpreted as Code 1-76 Deliberate Criminal Ideological Resistance. What if some deep-state postal worker ignores my forwarding-address notice? I think you see the bind I’m in.
So, when I send you my voting history, ethno-genetic breakdown, and list of blackmail-appropriate fetishes, should I include my new address or my current address? Any advice would be appreciated. Obviously, I’m eager to conform with any Voter-Thought-Alignment Guidelines you or Father Trump institute.
Also, Secretary Kobach, which sections of the Constitution have been deemed Non-Functionally Over-Democratic? I want to make sure I cross out the right ones, though I suppose we’ll all get copies of the New Constitution at the Reëducation Camp for use during our mandatory daily Revised-Presidential-Truth-Directives Affirmation Session. I can’t wait to get on board with Father Trump’s most recent expression of reality!
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1 replies
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they'll find you soon enough! 