Adoption Affects on Birthmothers

[me b zola]

Last edited Wed Aug 8, 2012, 02:04 PM - Edit history (1)

Over 6 million adopted persons in the US are denied access to their original birth certificate. This is wrong and the practice of this legalized identity theft must end.

On edit: This post was not intended to be hurtful to adoptive parents. Here is a pic of one of the women from the video at the conference in Chicago, her sign tells the reason for this post:

[Tunkamerica]

1. Effects

[1monster]

10. Affects is the verb. Effects is the noun. OP is correct.

[marybourg]

34. And the sentence only makes sense if a

noun is intended or the "on" needs to be removed.

[MarianJack]

2. There is ONE reason that my son was available for adoption.

His birth mother didn't want him.

He's 12 now. We told him all about the fact of his adoption when he was six. He has made ZERO statements about wanting to go to his birth family. Even though we'd help him to do so if he ever asked, he hasn't even mentioned a desire to meet her.

Every once in a while, there are threads like this one that seem to imply that adoption is a bad thing. These threads are wrong. A good adoption makes a family where there once was none. Our son may not have my wife's and my blood, but WE are his "mom and dad". We ARE NOT the villians of his life story. We couldn't imagine loving a child of our blood any more or any differently than our adopted son. Every single thing we do and every single plan we make is done with him in mind. When things have been bad, our only goal was to protect him from any of the ugliness.

PEACE!

[customerserviceguy]

3. Thanks for your post

and thanks for the love you've shown to your adopted son.

[MarianJack]

4. No Thanks needed.

Loving my son is very easy to do, even when I frequently want to give him a boot in his rump.

PEACE!

[Diclotican]

7. MarianJack

MarianJack

I guess every parent, that be biological, foster or adoptive parent want to give their children a boot in the rump sometimes.. It goes with the territory I guess...

But, it is more important to care for a child, who might other vice had been given so much care and love. Specially if the birth parent would not have anything with them to begin with.. Not everyone, who give birth to a child, is nessesary a fit parents.. And therefor it is good, that others, like you can do what the biological parents are not able, or willing to do..

I have fosterparents - who Im far closer to than my biological parents - even though I was close to my father im not not that close to my mother... And i doubt she is to me either... Even though she do call me sometimes... And I wonder sometimes, where I would have been, if i and my brother was not given the chance to have a more or less normal upbringning, in a fosterhome.. Somehow I doubt either me or my brother would have made it as we are today... More or less intact...

Diclotican

[MarianJack]

18. When we took custody of our son,...

...he was days away from going into foster care.

My wife and I have considered foster care once we're settled into our house.

Thank you for sharing!

PEACE!

[Diclotican]

28. MarianJack

MarianJack

You might not know it - but you do a great service to A children, who might other vice would have ended up either worse damaged for the rest of their life - or also dead, killed by predators, or just vanishing into thin air, because the parent's could not care less of what happened to them... Even if you want to "strange" the child sometimes you love him - and he know you do.. He could have had a whole different future, if you and your wife had not been there and adopted him, and raised him as you own...

Thankfully our fosterpartens did that, raised us as we was their own children, we was as part of that family as the biological ones. But as they told us, when we was grown up, they sometimes wondered why they had make them self so much problems.. I am and my brother was rather unruly when we first come into the home - our parents had not doing anything to do the right thing for us - and we was maybe even from young age at a great disadvantage compared to other children, who have had normal upbringning... And to some degree, we both have disabilities who is a handicap we both have to live with... For the rest of our life..

I just wish many more would give a children a new life, that be in the foster care system - or as adoptive parents.. SO extremely many young children have not the security and comfort they Deserve, and many also end up in the "system" from one home to another... Thankfully I and my brother as not one of them - but I do know a few, who was put into one home, and when they was to "unruly" was put into another home, and then a 3th home and so one.. By the age of 18, as yong adults, they was a messed up and not exactly ready to stand on their own two feet. And in most cases had not the support of their foster parents, of biological parents at all... And many end up either as small time criminals - or as junkies... All because they was not given a fair Chance at all, in life

Diclotican

[customerserviceguy]

39. I'm an infant adoptee myself

and am really glad that Mom and Dad administered the necessary rump boots!

[MarianJack]

43. I think that in his heart of hearts,...

...our son is glad that we care that much. He sees a lot of his class mates who have parents that don't give a rat's patootie about them.

PEACE!

[BlueToTheBone]

5. You don't know that she didn't WANT

him, only that she couldn't KEEP him.

That is a big difference and most birth mothers mourn their child/ren. Adoption is a wonderful thing, especially when the parents really want a child and can care for him/her.

[MarianJack]

6. Speaking as a person who wasactually there...

...and participated in the process, I know that she DIDN'T want him. I do believe that she does miss him, but at the time, she didn't want him. We did.

[BlueToTheBone]

8. Well, I'm glad you wanted the child.

Many young mothers see no way for a future for their child. Especially in the past, young mothers were "encouraged" to give up their child. Today, there is much more acceptance and help for a young single mother that there wasn't not so long ago.

[MarianJack]

13. He isn't "the child"...

...he is my son. He's been my wife's and my son since his birth mother strapped him into the car seat on the day we adopted him. WE wanted him, want him and treasure him in our lives. The home that we're making settlement on in the next several days is the house that WE are buying but that HE will sell when we're gone.

[AtheistCrusader]

33. Exactly.

[citizen blues]

52. No, you do not know......

You could not read her mind. You don't know what circumstances she came out of. You got a snap shot of one moment in time and drew your conclusions from that. It seems rather presumptuous that you assume that's the entire story.

As a birthmother, I cannot even begin to express how truly excruciating that decision was. It left me shattered. My daughter is now 33 years old and we have been in reunion for years now. Yet anytime I think about making that decision, I am still overwhelmed with tears. Even with other traumatic times, that was by far the most emotionally scarring event of my life. And I'm not alone in that.

I've seen many other birthmothers as well. We all handle it differently. I've even seen some who do act coldly and convince themselves they don't want their children because it's the only way they can psychologically survive.

Like I said, you don't have the whole story.

[MarianJack]

53. Well pardon my dumb ass for believing...

...what she actually saidto my wife and I!

[citizen blues]

54. Just have some compassion...

for what led her to making that statement. I get the impression you have never stopped to consider another point of view in this matter. Sad really. Your judgement and your scorn serve nothing.

[MarianJack]

55. Scorn isn't an issue here.

I have nothing but respect for my son's birth mother. I appreciate the choice she made. This does not change the fact that she stated that she DID NOT WANT her baby. Perhaps she came to regret that decision, but in the course of the open adoption we agreed to, she has made ZERO attempts to contact him for the last six years and only one since he was 2.

Perhaps she's moved on? Of course I realize that my perspective as his father since he was 15 weeks old means very little in this equasion. My wife and I have always said that we'd support his contacting his birth mother if he ever expressed an interest. He hasn't.

In your view, it seems that every birth mother must have the same views and feelings that you do. Or maybe my wife and I SHOULDN'T have believed her oft repeated statements?

[PhoenixR]

60. EXACTLY

EXACTLY, Citizen Blue...

[LuckyTheDog]

12. Absolutely.

The decisions about my son were made after he was born and before we came into the picture. He was placed for adoption by his birth mother and was already in private foster care when we were contacted. My wife and I met with the birth mom, looked her in the eye and asked her "are you sure?" She was sure. Any notion that we "stole" him is nonsense.

[MarianJack]

14. Our son came into our lives when he was 2 1/2 months old.

We took custody when he was 3 1/2 months old. The adoption was finalized a year later. This happened because his birth mother wanted it to happen.

PEACE!

[me b zola]

20. This post was not intended to insult or hurt adoptive parents

A yeah, some women who relinquish custody may have different feelings than the women in this video. But the excuse they give us for not allowing us access to our original birth certificates is that secrecy is to protect the birth/first mothers, and the women in this video tell the more common story of women who are scarred for life by the experience.


Some years ago I began the adoption group on the old DU. I intended it to be for adoptees and first mothers to talk about the issues of adoption and how it has effected them. Right off the bat many adoptive parents wanted to join, and I didn't want them to feel left out so I opened the group to all people affected by adoption. What ended up happening is that I never posted mostly because I didn't want to hurt adopted parents or make them feel unappreciated, which was very much how it was growing up. I knew that me even mentioning adoption hurt my mothers feelings so I never brought it up, bottling up all of the confusion and pain.

As I told another poster down thread, the problem isn't with adoptive parents, the problem is an unjust system. Peace and goodness to you and your family.

[AtheistCrusader]

21. At least three of the mothers in that video have acquired contact with their children.

One clearly isn't even a closed adoption, even if the adoptive parents aren't communicating with her.

My son's original birth certificate was marked secret by the state, and replaced with a new one with our names for his protection, not his birth mother.

We were required by state law to gain permission from the father as well, which we did.

The birth mother giving up a child has the option to pursue a closed, or open adoption. If the birth mother was forced into it under duress, that is actionable in the courts, and the secret copy of the birth certificate can be obtained by the state under court order. That is why they are not destroyed.

In general terms this is a non-issue. Sequestered birth records is not the issue at all. What might be a real issue, is birth parents being coerced into adoption against their will, and breach of contract in cases where the adoptive parents do certain things like try to close the adoption after it was arranged as an open adoption.

The 'my son is a pirate, and doesn't belong with the tennis set' line in the video is just silly. She abdicated any input into that when she finalized the adoption. The birth mother doesn't get to question mine or my wife's parenting skills or methods. That day is passed. Door closed. He is not her son anymore. Some of this was highly insulting to adoptive parents. Several of these mothers may have valid concerns about THEIR particular adoptions, but not all do.


My wife and I ARE our son's parents now. Period. Done deal. We do chose to provide his history to him when he's old enough to understand. Any effort to contact his birth mother will be initiated by him, and him alone, not the birth mother. (I think it's important that he AT LEAST have the option to obtain genetic family history so he might know medical predispositions)

[me b zola]

25. The insensitivity of your post made me catch my breath

Rather than me speak my mind, I'll offer a link for you to get the basics:

Lifelong Issues in Adoption

Adoption is a lifelong, intergenerational process which unites the triad of birth families, adoptees, and adoptive families forever. Adoption, especially of adolescents, can lead to both great joy and tremendous pain. Recognizing the core issues in adoption is one intervention that can assist triad members and professionals working in adoption better to understand each other and the residual effects of the adoption experience.

"...Adoption triggers seven lifelong or core issues for all triad members, regardless of the circumstances of the adoption or the characteristics of the participants:

1. Loss

2. Rejection

3. Guilt and Shame

4. Grief

5. Identity

6. Intimacy

7. Mastery/control

(Silverstein and Kaplan 1982).

Clearly, the specific experiences of triad members vary, but there is a commonality of affective experiences which persists throughout the individual's or family's life cycle development. The recognition of these similarities permits dialogue among triad members and allows those professionals with whom they interface to intervene in proactive as well as curative ways.

~~more at link~

http://www.adopting.org/silveroze/html/lifelong_issues_in_adoption.html

And I loved Claudia's statement about her pirate boy. I luckily landed with family that was similar to at least my biological paternal family, but I totally got her point.

[AtheistCrusader]

30. And the insensitivity of yours annoyed me pretty good.

Our adoption has none of the issues your video just cited. You have no grounds whatsoever to advocate or campaign to unseal our adoption records/birth certificate.

Some of the issues in your latest list there may exist with some adoptions, but not all. All members my ass. There is no triad. The birth mother of our son has her own family, we have ours. End of story. There is no shame. We have been made aware of no grief by the birth mother. Any mastery/control is the hands of the child, and no one else's in our adoption, as he will seek out his birth mother or not, at his own discretion.

"Adoption triggers seven lifelong or core issues for all triad members, regardless of the circumstances of the adoption or the characteristics of the participants"

Supreme arrogance and complete bullshit. And this is not just experience from observing our own adoption, which I will admit bias, but in observing other adoptions from the birth mother, the child, and the adoptive parent's sides.

You come in here waving this ALL TRIAD MEMBERS nonsense and accuse ME of insensitivity? I think not.

[AtheistCrusader]

32. What the fuck is this

"Adoptive parents, when they are diagnosed as infertile, frequently believe that they must have committed a grave sin to have received such a harsh sentence. They are ashamed of themselves, of their defective bodies, of their inability to bear children."

What is this metaphysical bullshit? Who peddles this kind of shit? This sounds like the crap the right wing uses in it's anti-abortion campaigning, trying to create guilt out of nothing for people who exercise abortion in the course of family planning.

I'm not ashamed of my inability to have children. Like I bear some guilt for a medical issue I sustained when I was in the 3rd grade? What the fuck


Edit: This CRAP was written by a damn hypnotherapist.

[MarianJack]

42. Ours was an open adoption.

I've always said to my wife that if we'd have met the birth mother's parents in a line at a supermarket, we'd have become social friends with them. Unfortunately, when one family moved from PA to Maine and the other family moves from NJ to Florida, they tend to lose touch.

Thank you for your wishes for my family.

PEACE!

[AtheistCrusader]

22. Statistically speaking

males don't. Females are more predisposed to having an interest in their birth parents. There's been a couple different studies on this. Just one of those things, I guess.

It's enough that you keep that door open for him. It's up to him if he wants to walk through it. It wouldn't be productive to push him into it.

[MarianJack]

41. If he ever chooses to meet his birth mother,...

...we'll do ll we can do to help him. If not, than so be it. We know that when he was 6, she lived in Florida and had another child who is a pretty little girl eho'd be 8 now and looks a little like my son.

PEACE!

[me b zola]

56. Statistics are about odds, whom is more likely...

Here's one (very famous) male adoptee's take...I guess you can ignore the very famous female adoptee:

[AtheistCrusader]

57. Odds, and also understanding historical track records.

Given that I encouraged (and will do so for my own son) making the blood relation known to the child at the appropriate time, I'm not sure what your post has to do with mine.

[no_hypocrisy]

9. Understand the implications.

I represent a client whose five children were needlessly removed by Child Protection. The court found no evidence of abuse and/or neglect. CP is still fighting tooth-and-nail to have them adopted by the foster parents.

What would happen if my client loses her fight to regain her children?

1. She loses all access to them legally. She cannot contact them in any manner. Like a restraining order until they are 18.

2. The birth certificates of the children are changed from the biological parents to the adopting parents. The original birth certificates are sealed and unavailable to the children.

3. Naturally, the last names of the children are changed from their birth names to those of the adopting parents.

4. The children likely will refer to their foster parents as "mom" and "dad" and to their biological parents by their first names.

5. It is the death of one family in order to create a new one.

Not all adoptions are wonderful for the children.

[AtheistCrusader]

23. The problem isn't the sealing of the birth records.

If the mother can prove duress, those records can be unsealed. That is why they are sealed, not destroyed.

The video proposes a solution to the wrong problem. CPS is your example's problem. Not adoption. By the time it reaches that point, the damage is done.

[me b zola]

26. You are promoting identity theft

and it is disgusting.

[AtheistCrusader]

31. Promoting? You just essentially accused me of PARTICIPATING in it.

But I'm the insensitive one. Right-o.

I don't know what life experiences may have led you to believe what you believe about this issue, but you have just siezed upon a mis-identified niche problem, and smeared all adoptive parents with it. Thanks a lot.

[me b zola]

36. You seem to be a willing participant

[AtheistCrusader]

37. You seem to think it's a problem at all.

It isn't. 3 of the people in your own video have contact with the families or children they offered up for adoption. So it's not an issue for them.

In the case of any woman who was forced under duress to sign a contract, that can be reversed via the courts and the records unsealed.

You have failed to present a valid reason to do away with this practice.

[AtheistCrusader]

46. You don't seem to understand the issue you are advocating.

If you want to have contact with a child you have given birth to, and put up for adoption, do not have a closed adoption.

If you were forced into a closed adoption under duress, petition the courts. The records will be unsealed. I've said it three times already, so I'll try bigger characters because you don't seem to have read it: THIS IS PRECISELY WHY THE RECORDS ARE SEALED, NOT DESTROYED. RECORDS CAN BE UN-SEALED BY THE COURT.

Who are you to assert that my child's birth cert should be reverted, and MY name taken off? That's what you are advocating. You don't know the first fucking thing about our adoption, the parameters under which it was arranged, etc. You have no place advocating any such thing. YOU made this MY BUSINESS when you promote altering my son's birth certificate.

[me b zola]

48. My first/birth mother didn't have a choice

I was born in 1963. Does your young mind understand it yet?

And sware to God, I would turn you in for child abuse if I knew who you are

[AtheistCrusader]

49. And you would be laughed at.

Because you would be 'turning in' the state government, including the judge that signed the order.

I don't know the circumstances around how your birth mother 'didn't have a choice', but it sounds like she should get a lawyer. You/she have options already on the table.

Stay away from my adoption paperwork/my son's birth certificate. It is not your damn business.

[me b zola]

50. You are serioulsy ill

I don't want anything to do with your son's origional birth certificate other than as a civil right he has the right to it.

[AtheistCrusader]

51. That arrangement is not your concern, nor is it a 'civil right'.

Period.

He will be told about the adoption at the correct time and place. He will be told about his birth mother and father's names at the appointed age we agreed with his birth parents to share that information. Not before.

Shame on me for upholding our end of the deal, with the birth parents. I am clearly a bad man.

You clearly know better than I do, and should absolutely alter that arrangement from the outside without any regard for our existing adoption.

Your 'cause' is bullshit. You have problems with YOUR adoption? Fix it. You have legal recourse. Stay away from ours.

[PhoenixR]

61. So would I

what an arrogant POS. People like this are ALL that is wrong with adoption. It is all about them. These people could care less who mothers have suffered without their children. They make it all about them when they have no business in the lives of mothers and their children.

[AtheistCrusader]

63. I don't know what your problem is

but I read your hidden posts. First, I suggest you read the site rules.

Second, I am following the birth mother's wishes to the letter. You have no interest in this, and can take your opinion elsewhere for all I care. 5 posts in, and 3 of them vicious, toward me, and deleted? Welcome. You'll last long here.

[AtheistCrusader]

47. Also, I've already taken care to obtain the medical history of the

birth mother and father of my child. That will be provided to him at the appropriate time. Cultural heritage? He already has that in his hot little hand. As a member of our family, he shares our cultural heritage. Done deal. Problem solved before you even got off the starting blocks.

[LuckyTheDog]

11. I hope the intention here is not to demonize adoptive parents

My son was born to a woman who determined she could not care for him properly. She also really wanted him to grow up with a dad, which otherwise would not have been an option.

When my son is older and feels ready, I would encourage him to have a relationship with his birth mother. But that will be between the two of them.

I have not stolen anything from him. He is my son and as much a part of our family as anyone else.

[MarianJack]

15. When our son isn't around,...

...we miss him something awful! Weather he's visiting my wife's family in PA (like the last several weeks) or he's off with his friends or banished to his room because he was acting like a horse's patoot!

He is ours by adoption, but we are a family! I think a great one, too!

PEACE!

[me b zola]

19. The intent of the women in the video or mine?

The women in the video i believe are in Chicago for an adoption rights conference. They are telling their story to counter the lie that the reason that they deny us our original birth certificates is because it is what the birth/first mothers want. They are sharing with us their incredibly painful stories to help change an unjust system.
http://www.facebook.com/#!/AdopteeRightsCoalition



I love and miss my (adoptive) parents very much. I could not have begun searching until they passed because I knew it would hurt them. I so wish that adoptive parents were made aware of the issues of identity and that no matter how wonderful adoptive parents are, no matter how much we love them, most of us have a hole in us and go through life feeling out of sorts and not belonging.


This isn't a problem with adoptive parents, its a problem with a system that encourages the separation of family members.

[AtheistCrusader]

24. Sounds like a strawman.

No one has ever suggested to me that the purpose for sealing those records is to protect the birth mother. It is to protect the child.

[me b zola]

27. That is the lie that these brave activists are exposing

[AtheistCrusader]

29. No it isn't.

Nobody EVER said that to us during our adoption process. Maybe it's a lie out there somewhere, but it is not universally so.

[AtheistCrusader]

38. You haven't sourced the alleged 'lie'.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sealed_birth_records

I don't see many/any sources that purport what you are claiming.

[xchrom]

16. huh. i wish to publicly thank my birth mother for handing me over to the most

wonderful, loving, generous, happy mom and dad a kid could ever wish for.

[MarianJack]

17. As an adoptive dad, all I can say to you, xchrom, is...

...almost all adoptive parents love their kids and are devoted to them. I'm glad that you had great parents!

Our family doctor when we lived in PA used to say that mom & dad are the ones who do the diaper changing, the cut mending, the feeding, sheltering and clothing. They aren't always the ones who gave the genes. I'm very happy for your family!

PEACE!

[Neoma]

35. To me, the issue isn't to be against the adoptive parents...I don't ever think that.

The only problem I'll ever see in adopting off a child is when women are (or at least they were in 60s) coerced or even blackmailed to do it. For reasons of being too young, or unmarried...

Well, anyways, that opinion mostly comes from this book: http://www.amazon.com/Girls-Who-Went-Away-Surrendered/dp/0143038974/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1344463121&sr=1-1&keywords=the+girls+who+went+away That'll knock your socks off.

[Gormy Cuss]

40. A couple of years ago Maine unsealed the records for adults who were adopted as children.

What I heard and read over and over is that knowing something about their genetic parents was important to some adoptees. One of the adoptees I heard this from was my own sibling. It had nothing to do with their love or bonding with their parents and everything to do with answering the question of their biological identity and in some cases, understanding a bit more about how they came to be adopted.

[me b zola]

45. Thank you for sharing your experience

I love my parents, and miss them everyday. But the connection that I've had with my birth/first mother has been there since I was a little girl.

Much love to you