Know any good "light bulb" jokes?

[red dog 1]

How many musicians does it take to change a light bulb?


one, two, a-one, two, three, four...

[Sneederbunk]

1. How many chiropractors does it take to change a light bulb?

One, but it requires 10 visits.

[fjcare]

2. why didn't Paul Ryan change the light bulb ?

because the invisible hand will do it for him

[TlalocW]

3. How many Freudian psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to actually replace the bulb and the other to hold the penis. LADDER! I meant ladder!

TlalocW

[The Velveteen Ocelot]

4. How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?

Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?

Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.

Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!

Rottweiler: Make me.

Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.

Lab: Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please?

German Shepherd: I'll change it as soon as I lead these people from the dark, check to make sure I haven't missed any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation.

Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.

Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb.

Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.

Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.

Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there ...

Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?

New Zealand Sheep Dog: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little cluster...

Toy Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

Cat: Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So, the real question is: How long will it be before I can expect some light, some dinner, and a massage?

[PoindexterOglethorpe]

8. That's wonderful!

[red dog 1]

11. Nice!

But what about Dobermans?

[Doreen]

36. I absolutely loved that!!

[MLAA]

54. Perfect, just perfect!

[magicarpet]

5. How do you turn a light bulb on ?

.
.
.
.
.
.

.
.
Allow pResident trump to fondle it.

[The Velveteen Ocelot]

6. No, sorry, that would not cause anything to turn on.

[magicarpet]

19. A very dim bulb ?

[uppityperson]

7. How many SJWs does it take to change a lightbulb?

That's not funny.

[True Dough]

9. How many lightbulb jokes does it take to save the world?

None. We only know how to screw the planet.

Such an optimist, eh?

[hispanic white guy]

10. How does Donald Trump change a light bulb?

He doesn't. Putin won't let him.

[red dog 1]

12. Welcome to DU!

[hispanic white guy]

14. Tank U

where the Army trains recruits on the M-1 Abrams.

[Aristus]

20. 19Kilo?

Welcome. 19Kilo here. US Army, 1986-1993. Gulf War I - 1991.

[hispanic white guy]

22. Thanks for the Welcome :-)

My reply to red dog 1 was merely a pun. I've actually never served in the military. But thank you for your service!

[Aristus]

24. Crewing the Abrams was a hell of a ride...

[jmowreader]

49. But you paid for that ride in the motor pool, didn't you?

[Aristus]

50. More or less.

Roughly four hours of maintenance for every hour of vehicle operation.

[yuiyoshida]

35. Welcome to DU

づ え よこそ!! いらっしゃいませ!

[hispanic white guy]

40. Appreciated

[Doreen]

37. Welcome to DU.

[hispanic white guy]

41. Gracias :-)

I thank all who have welcomed me, but I'm going silent on further greetings, as I don't want to be thought a thread-hijacker!

[Doreen]

47. We do not look at it that way here. We enjoy saying hello to our new friends.

Just chiming in is the best way to do it here.

[Cirque du So-What]

13. How many Irishmen does it take to change a lightbulb?

Seven.

One to hold the lightbulb steady and six more to drink enough to make the room spin around.

[red dog 1]

17. What's the difference between a rich Irishman & a poor Irishman?

The rich Irishman cooks his potatoes.

[Freddie]

39. Irish 7-course dinner

Six-pack and a potato. (Sorry)

[LSFL]

15. oh god.

All my lightbulb jokes are racist!
Goddammit mom!!!!

[A HERETIC I AM]

16. How many Ivanka Trumps does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Just 1. All she does is stand still and the world revolves around her

[kag]

29. Actually, I was going to apply this one to Leanne Tweedon.

Clearly, the world revolves around her...even in the dark...when she's asleep.

[meow2u3]

18. How do you turn on a light bulb?

Tell Roy Moore it's a pretty teenaged girl and call her school for a date.

[Snarkoleptic]

21. How many NRA members does it take to change a lightbulb? Moar Gunz!!

How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?
Silly, it has to WANT to change.

Off topic, but I'm rolling....
I showed up for my psych-eval, wearing nothing but a pair of underwear I made from Saran Wrap.
The doc took one look at me and said "I can clearly see yer nuts."

[Skittles]

23. how any orange assholes does it take to change a light bulb

I am betting that sanctimonious rich fuck has never once in his ENTIRE LIFE changed a light bulb

[customerserviceguy]

25. How many drug and alcohol counselors does it take to change a light bulb?

It can't be done, the light bulb has to WANT to change.

[customerserviceguy]

26. How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?

"Don't bother! I'll sit here in the dark!!"

[3catwoman3]

27. This is slightly off topic and NSFW, but that what happens...

...when your train of thought goes off the rails - the link to the Jesus light switch cover:

https://jezebel.com/349758/jesus-christ (I couldn't get the picture to copy-and-paste)

[kag]

30. Oh, man.

I can't unsee that.

[Locrian]

44. Roy Moore's house guest bathroom ? n/t.

[Turbineguy]

52. Ehhhemmmm....

?w=500

[goldwax317]

28. How many Third Wave Feminists does it take to change a light bulb?

"THAT'S NOT FUNNY!!!"

[kag]

31. How many emojis does it take to change a lightbulb?

[revmclaren]

32. How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?

2 of course...but they have to be very small so they have room.

[Zambero]

33. How many golfers?

FORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[RainCaster]

34. How many Republicans does it take to change a light bulb?

None. Only Democrats get caught screwing anything.

[red dog 1]

48. How many Republicans does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None..They only screw the poor!

[Freddie]

38. Speaking of musicians...

How many trumpet players does it take to change a light bulb? 10 - one to change the light bulb and the other 9 to say how much better THEY would have done it. (Caveat - my spouse is a trumpet player)

[FSogol]

42. How many dull people does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One.

[ATL Ebony]

43. How many attempts will it take tRump to screw in a lightbulb?

[L. Coyote]

45. How many Republicans does it take to change a light bulb.

Only one, but they prefer to live in the Dark Ages anyway.

[NightWatcher]

46. How many Teamsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

27 and they're getting overtime pay for it.
You got a problem with that?

[tymorial]

51. How many centari does it take to change 1 lightbulb

Just one, but in the great old days of Republic hundreds of servants would change a thousand lightbulbs at our slightest whim!

[Thor_MN]

53. How many Packers fans does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Six. One to change the bulb and five to talk about how good the old one was.

[lame54]

55. How many Trump lovers does it take...

None
They prefer the to be left in the dark

[krispos42]

56. How many (insert ethnic group, plural) does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Five.

One to hold the bulb and 4 to spin the ladder.

ba-dum tssss.



A wife sent her computer programmer husband to the store to get a replacement light bulb. "Go to the store and get a new bulb. If they have eggs, get a dozen."


He came back with 12 light bulbs.


Ba-dum, tssss.