So how did you deal with the impending death of a loved one?

[jzodda]

In this case its my Mom. As of Sunday daytime she was doing well and on her way out of the rehab place where she was rehabbing from illness that kept her there for a few months.

As of Monday mourning she is near death and not expected to survive. We may even be left with a decision to pull the plug which I know for my dad will be agony. She's 85 and until she got sick in Jan was in great shape. At 85 she was jogging every day till she got sick with pneumonia.

Well I just don't know what to do with myself or what to say to my Dad. It seems when I start talking to him he gets emotional very easily.

I feel restless and feel like I need to do something but don't know what. I don't have lots of people to lean on I guess being unmarried and an only child. Uncles and Aunts all gone now and no cousins that I am close to. I have a few close friends, my dog and my dad. I feel like i have some sort of adult ADD-like I can't pay attention to any one thing for more than a minute or two. Is that odd?

How did some of you handle this sort of thing?

[haele]

1. The rehab place should have a hospice representative.

When my father had his second stroke, the hospital brought the hospice rep. in to talk to all of us in the family and letting us work through the fact that we had to let him go because there was very little left of him and his heart was failing.
I know the feeling you talk about. You want to do something, that's normal in the situation. But we aren't superman/superwoman, and this isn't a book or script, and things will just have to play out as they can. You aren't betraying your mom if there is no chance of recovery for her.

You and your father really need to talk with grief counselors about this. And realize that you both will probably remain emotional, with brittle feelings and second thoughts for months - or years - afterwards. Mom still chokes up on occasion, and my little brother, 46 years old, has problems talking about Dad.
And yeah, I'm getting a bit teary thinking about this, because it's not hard for me to remember standing next to that hospital bed and trying to sing "Twinkle twinkle little star" to him in case there was something more than reflexes there, like he used to do to me when I was scared as a young girl.

Find a grief counselor to talk to.



Haele

[MiddleFingerMom]

2. I lost MiddleFingerMomMom the day after 9/11 -- she was 81 with Alzheimer's and it was expected.

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.
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Her life had been GREATLY diminished and, when she was still communicating, she let me know
that she was OK with death, even eager for it as her belief system was such that she knew all
the friends and relatives she had lost would be waiting for her with open arms on the other side.
.
It wasn't traumatic for either of us. She had had a long, happy life and it was her time. She
slipped away peacefully in her sleep -- the only difference was that for the last 15 minutes or so,
her breathing was slightly, only slightly labored.
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It seemed pretty natural and one of the better ways to pass.
.
.
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I still miss her... and there haven't been too many days since that I haven't thought of her in
some way -- but in a good memories type of way rather than an aching sadness.
.
I hope you can come to something like that kind of acceptance.
.

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[Turbineguy]

3. I don't know if this helps, but....

This is something that we rarely have to go through. That means that you never learn to get good at it. It used to be that with large families, high infant mortality and short life spans, people got good at this. In this respect we are more fortunate in this age.

From my perspective (60 years old) and based on what you are telling us, you are doing OK. It seems to me that your reactions and feelings are normal. Medical Doctors deal with this a lot. If you need specific advice on a hard decision, go there. They can help.

When I was dealing with the impending death of my Uncle (who raised me) we would spend time on the phone (he was in Europe, I was in the US). Just sitting there. There was no talking, we just knew that the other person was on the other side of the line. It was enough. Maybe just your being with your Dad will help. He probably has the same problem and people talking to him just makes it seem like he has to come up with a plan or make a decision.

All the best.

[oneshooter]

4. Lost Mom three weeks ago. She pretty well took most of the decisions

out of our hands. She had signed a DNR several years before her stroke, and let all of us know about it.
As per her written wishes we moved her to Hospice, She passed 4 days later.

It is hard on all that love her, she passed gracefully in her sleep.

Other than tell you that, each handles grief their own way. Mine is to raise her grandchildren in the way she would approve of. The carry on with the memory, and love, that she showed all of us.

Oneshooter

[bluesbassman]

5. I'm sorry you're going through this jzodda.

I lost my mom in '97 and my dad in '06. Both got had medical issues prior to death so it was not unexpected. I can't say that there was any one thing I did to prepare, other than the arrangements and such. I really dealt with it afterward, and my coping mechanism was to just focus on all of the positive things that both of my parents had taught me and shared with me in life.

I wish you and your father the best as you move forward through this time, and peace and comfort to your mother in her remaining time.

[elifino]

6. I had home hospice help with my Dad

After my mother died, Dad lived with me for the last 10 years of his life. The last 2 1/2 years the company I work for allowed me to work from home via Computer. I had home hospice the last 3 months to help, As I was 70 myself at the time, I did need some help with a few things. My wife had died only 6 months earlier so I still had to deal with that. Home hospice also helped me personally with what to expect with my Dad. My wife died in her sleep at 61, this was quite a shock to me. We do what we have to do, you will be great support for your Dad and I am sure a comfort to your Mother and will find your own personal way deal with your grief.

My Dad lived to 96 so I feel he had a full life.

I will think of you and hope you find some comfort if knowing a lot of people will have you in there prayers.

[hedgehog]

7. It's OK to get emotional! Sometimes the best thing to

do is to have a good cry! There are no rules for this situation, just ride it through. I can sympathize with the restlessness; been there, done that. You can't do what you normally do, but there really isn't anything you can do except be there and wait.
I'm sorry you're facing this.

[mucifer]

8. The restlessness and inability to concentrate is part of the grieving.

I have experienced it when my best friend died. Everything felt unimportant and stupid.

For you and your dad it's ok to be emotional. Unless he says he really doesn't want to talk, I would encourage it.

I know it's hard to be an unmarried adult. I am one too.

Talk with your friends talk with your dad even though it is hard. Life review often helps. This is discussing with your dad or others who know your mom happy memories of your mom funny stories etc.

Different people go through the process differently.


It will take time.

[jzodda]

9. Thanks so much for the replies!

I really appreciate the responses. I won't forget them either. Its a tough time but its stuff like reading your replies makes me feel a bit better.

[Curmudgeoness]

10. Tomorrow is the 11th anniversary of my mom's death,

and I was in the same boat as you, but instead of my dad, I had one sister there too. My mother was also very active until she got sick and was gone within a few months, and I think that made it harder yet. You are experiencing all that would be expected at this time. The one thing I will say that I regret is that I did not talk to my mom as much as I should have about how I felt and was feeling at the time. If your mom is still able to talk or hear you, make sure to say all that you want to say. And lean on your dad and let him lean on you. Of course he gets emotional about this! But talking or not talking will not make it worse for him. It is healthy to talk, even if it does bring emotions to the surface---there is no shame in that.

I am so sorry to hear about this and wish there was something that could help....but there just isn't anything. It is hard. Take it all one step at a time.

[doc03]

11. My mother was near death about a month ago, was unconscious for over a week. They asked me

if I wanted her to have a feeding tube. Since she had a living will stating she didn't want that or any
other artificial means of life support I honored her request. She was dehydrated and had a urinary infection
and they asked me if I wanted them to give her antibiotics or just let nature take its coarse. So I told them to do what they could short of any life support and it turned out she came out it. Now she is in a nursing home and has to be hand fed
pureed food, she is bed-fast and doesn't talk other than maybe a yes or no. Sometimes I wonder if it would have been better just to let nature take its course. It's tough to go through especially when your siblings give you no support. I wish I had the answers myself.

[benld74]

12. Mom passed away 17 yrs this Xmas, dad followed less than 2 yrs later

Mom was sudden, in church, on a Sunday. Remained in a coma unril death. Dr said only her brain stem had activity. Yet, my older sister kept her on life support until my dad stepped in and said take it off. Sister was with her when she took her last breath.
Dad went slowly with COPD. Again with the life support, but dad had other ideas. While in intensive care with the support, the staff told me he sat up in bed, grabbed the trach-tube and pulled it out himself. They had never seen anything like that. I told them they had never met my father.
Once off, it was about a day. Sister left to say bye to her family as they were returning home. I was alone in the room with dad. He was having such a hard time breathing on his own. I walked up to his bed and told him, he had fought long and hard. It was ok to finally rest in peace. His bed alarms began to go off, and the staff came in. But I knew it would not do any good.
One has to know when to let someone you love dearly to go. You are the strong one, for they raised you that way. They will ALWAYS be with you. They are you and you are them.
And as my mom always use to tell me, There is a reason for EVERYTHING,,,,
Prayers and peace.

[LaurenG]

13. My mother died in 2010

It wasn't expected but she did have CHF and she went to sleep on Dec 6th and never woke up. Getting through her death was the hardest thing I've yet done.

There is no easy way out of this and it is perfectly normal to feel ADD or any number of other things. Having to deal with your feelings while seeing how hard it is on your dad will make you feel a lot of pain, fear, loss, anger and compassion. Just be, allow yourself to just be right now, you will get through this, accept whatever you feel. I am so sorry that this is happening, you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

[riderinthestorm]

14. Can you keep busy with things for her and your dad? Find music she loves on CD's or an ipod?

Bring pics and reminisce (is she lucid?). Find old movies and watch them with her. Paint her fingernails (every day!) a new color. Massage her feet. Doing something seemed to enable conversation for me at least and helped to stop my restlessness....

When my young niece (28 yrs old) died of leukemia we had about a month with her before she passed. We were just destroyed with grief but since she was lucid we could take the time to "be" with her and for me, doing things with her helped me the most. She loved to go and watch the ocean (she died in Santa Cruz) so my husband would carry her out to the car from the hospice and take her for a drive to just watch the water.

I am so, so very sorry for this tough time. You'll find your way, we all do. Be good to yourself during this time as well.

[Lydia Leftcoast]

15. My mother died a little over a year ago

She came down with pneumonia on a Sunday, was asked whether she wanted to go to the hospital, refused, and was pretty alert for a couple of days. Her last day of full consciousness was Wednesday, and she was only minimally aware on Thursday. My brothers and I sat by her bedside Thursday, Friday, and Saturday, going home only at night. We were with her when she passed early Saturday evening.

It wasn't easy, of course. It's never easy, but I think she knew that we were there. In some way, seeing her unconscious and unresponsive helped us get used to the idea and to accept that she was physically frail, nearly 90 years old, and very unhappy since my stepfather died.

You don't need to "do" anything. Just be there.