Heard any good "walks into a bar" jokes lately?

[red dog 1]

Last edited Mon Nov 26, 2018, 09:23 PM - Edit history (1)

A Roman legionnaire walks into a bar and holds up two fingers.
Bartender says "five beers, coming right up."

[COLGATE4]

1. Horse walks into a bar. Bartender asks "why the long face?"

[The Velveteen Ocelot]

2. A cowboy walks into a bar.

His hat is made of brown wrapping paper, his shirt and vest are made of waxed paper, and his chaps, pants, and boots are made of newspaper. Before long he is arrested for rustling.

[The Velveteen Ocelot]

3. A Frenchman walks into a bar with a cat on his shoulder.

The cat is wearing a tiny baseball cap. The bartender says, "Cute, where did you get that?" The cat says, "France, they've got millions of them."

[yardwork]

23. I love it!

[The Velveteen Ocelot]

4. A pirate walks into a bar and orders a pint of grog.

The bartender notices that the pirate has a peg leg, and asks him what happened to his leg.

"Arrgh, matey, I were in a battle at sea and a cannonball blew me leg right off," says the pirate.

"And you've got a hook instead of a right hand," says the bartender. "How did that happen?"

"I were in the way o' capturin' a merchant ship and the cap'n sliced me hand off with a sword!" replied the pirate.

"Tough break," the bartender replied. "And you've got a patch over your right eye, too. Did you lose your eye in the same fight?"

"Arrgh, nae, matey. That were on account o' a seagull shittin' in me eye," the pirate said.

"How could seagull shit make you lose your eye?" the bartender asked.

"Well, matey, it happened right after I got me hook..."

[red dog 1]

8. I like it!

[Roland99]

5. Two fonts walk into a bar. Bartender says,

“We don’t serve your type”

[DBoon]

26. They carded Comic Sans and foud out he was not of age

nt

[The Velveteen Ocelot]

6. A lion walks into a bar

and asks the bartender, “Do you have any jobs?”

The bartender shakes his head and says, “No, sorry. Why don’t you try the circus?”

The lion replies, “Why would the circus need a bartender?”

[SKKY]

7. The Roman Legionnaire also ordered a Martinus...

...to which the Bartender says, "Don't you mean a Martini?" And the Roman replied, "If I wanted more than one I would have asked for it."

[Brother Buzz]

43. The ugly American walks into a German bar and orders a 'dry' martini

He's promptly served three martinis

[alterfurz]

9. A narcissist, a con man, a racist, a fascist, a pathological liar, and a moron walk into a bar...

...the bartender says, "What'll it be, Mr. President?"

[red dog 1]

19. A Canadian, a Texan, and a tea bagger walk into a bar

..the bartender says, "What'll it be, Senator Cruz?"

[TexasBushwhacker]

10. The past, present and future walk into a bar

It was tense.

[zanana1]

21. I've seen this one before, but it still made me laugh. nt

[DetlefK]

11. A blue-collar worker walks into a bar and holds up two fingers.

"5 beers for me and my buddies from the lumber-mill."

[PJMcK]

27. That's cutting edge humor

Very sharp of you.

[Wounded Bear]

12. A magician ran down the street and turned into a bar...

[LuckyCharms]

13. Pony walks into a bar

and sits down on a bar stool.

Bartender looks at him for a moment and says "Ummm...hold on, I'll be right back".

Bartender runs back into the kitchen excitedly and screams at the kitchen staff: "Holy shit you guys! Come out here and see this. There's a pony at the bar, and he's hung like a freakin' horse"!

[Jim Lane]

14. A doctor, a lawyer, a lesbian, a chicken, and Mitch McConnell walk into a bar

The bartender looks at them and says, "What is this, some kind of joke?"


My other favorite is:

The bartender says, "I'm sorry, we don't serve subatomic particles here." A faster-than-light neutrino walks into a bar.

[MicaelS]

15. A mean drunk.

Guy walks into a bar at the top of the skyscraper, there's just the bartender and a big, beefy, drunk guy sitting at the bar. The big guy says; "You know, last week I discovered that he winds around the building are so intense if you jump from that balcony over there, they carry right back up to the balcony. The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar.

The second guy says, "What, are you nuts? There's no way that could happen. "No, its true," the drunk guy says. "Let me prove it to you." He gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and plummets toward the street below. Seconds later, he reappears and steps onto the balcony.

Second guy says; "OK, I'll try it." He jumps over the balcony, and falls screaming to his death.

Back upstairs the bartender turns to the drunk and says, "You're a mean drunk, Superman".

[zanana1]

22. That was a good one! nt

[MicaelS]

25. Thanks. n/t

[Bucky]

16. Ralph Dibny walks into a bar and the bartender goes...

Hey buddy what's with the long face?

[ashling]

17. I've been doing some rehabilitation lately, sooo...

A Physical Therapist walked into a bar ....

and got a nasty bruise.

[DiverDave]

18. A skeleton walks into a bar

The bartender says " what'll it be?"
The skeleton says " a beer and a mop"

[DFW]

20. A man walks into a bar with a dog

The bartender says, "We don't allow animals here."

The man says, "no, my dog can talk. He's special."

The bartender says, "I'v heard that one a million times. It's never true."

The man says, "wait, I'll prove it." He turns to the dog, thinks for a moment, and asks, "if you're playing golf, what do you want to avoid?" The dog looks up and barks, "Rough!"

The bartender says, "are we done here? Come on, will ya?"

The man says, "no really, He can talk." He turns to the dog again and says, "what's at the top of a house?" The dog looks up and barks, "Roof!"

The bartender says, "löok, you're really trying my patience here."

The man says, "he even knows sports trivia, listen." He turns to the dog and asks, "Who was the greatest baseball player of all time?" The dog looks up and barks "Ruth!"

The bartender loses his patience and kick them out of the bar. Sitting on the street outside, the man looks at the dog, and the dog looks at the man, and says, "I guess I should have said DiMaggio or Mickey Mantle, huh?"

[DashOneBravo]

24. I'm a frayed knot

[geardaddy]

35. +1

[Demit]

28. Took me a minute. He's holding the fingers in a v shape?

[red dog 1]

30. Yes

[Atticus]

29. An obviously tipsy nun walks into a bar and orders a pint bottle of bourbon. After paying, she

lurches out the door.

Half an hour later, she's back and orders the same and again departs.

When she came back the third time, so drunk she could hardly stand, the barkeep balked at selling her a third pint. "Sister, why do you need more whiskey? You've already carried out two pints!"

"'S'not for me!" she blurted out. "S'for the Mother Superior's constipation!"

"Oh, I see" he responded, momentarily taken aback. "In that case---wait a minute! The Mother Superior didn't drink those bottles---YOU did! Admit it!"

"You are kee-rect!" the nun replied with a giggle. "I drank 'em both---ever damn drop!"

"Then HOW" the bartender thundered "can you say the whiskey was for the Mother Superior's constipation?"

"'Cause, mister," the sister calmly answered, " when she sees me , she gonna shit. Now, about that bottle---"

[COLGATE4]

31. A battery walks into a bar.

Bartender looks up and says, reluctantly

"OK, I'll serve you this time but don't try to start anything".

[blockhead]

32. There was this guy with dyslexia who walked into a bra.....

[blockhead]

33. Baby seal walks into a bar.

Bartender says "what can I get you?" Baby seal replies "Anything but a Canadian Club on the rocks!"

[red dog 1]

34. Wow!....Wasn't ready for that one.

I'd like to club one of those baby seal killers, right on top of their evil noggin, just like they do to those sweet, defenseless little baby seals!

[geardaddy]

36. Here's one.

A guy walks into a bar, orders 12 shots and starts drinking them as fast as he can.

The bartender asks, "Dang, why are you drinking so fast?"

The guy says, "You would be drinking fast, too, if you had what I had."

The bartender asks, "What do you have?"

The guy says, "75 cents."

[red dog 1]

37. LOL

Last edited Mon Nov 26, 2018, 07:27 PM - Edit history (1)

Good one!

[Harker]

38. A priest, a rabbi, and a Zen monk walk into a bar...

The bartender says, "what is this... some kind of a joke?"

My favorite.

[red dog 1]

39. Speaking of Zen monks

Three Zen monks go into a cave to meditate.

A month later, a noise is heard outside the cave.

3 months later, one of the monks says: "Did you hear that?.I think it was a goat!

6 months later, another monk replies: "That wasn't a goat, it was a cow!"

A year later, the third monk says: "If you two are going to argue, I'm leaving!"

[Harker]

40. Thanks...

Fun one!

[red dog 1]

41. You're welcome

That joke always cracks me up

[Harker]

42. Before my arthritis kicked in...

I used to be pretty good at making the sound of one hand clapping. You'll have to settle for two...

[Alpeduez21]

44. Two lawyers walk into a bar

You'd think the second one would've seen it.

[at140]

45. A minority person walks into a segregated bar...

The bartender is in panic and calls the bar owner and informs him that a minority dude just sat down at the bar and wants a Martini. What should he do?

The owner says to the bartender on phone to tell the minority person "it will cost him $75 for the martini".

The bartender relays that price to the minority person.
The minority person say no problem, and slaps down a $100 bill on the bar.

The bartender is back on the phone with the bar owner, "that dude just put a $100 bill on the bar and said the price is no problem! What should I do now?"

The bar owner thinks for a long minute and says to the bartender "Serve him the martini and throw out all the white trash in the bar".

This is just a joke! If you do not like it, just ignore the joke.