TBOX- Twelve Beers of Christmas
I have to remember to lock my car doors because drunk girls in elf outfits keep trying to get in my car at stop lights. “Are you my Uber? Let me in!”
Police scanner:
10. “9:35PM: A resident in the 3300 block of Clark reports an unknown drunk man on her fire escape. He’s wearing a red holiday sweater.”
This has all the makings of a classic holiday rom-com. The man on fire escape is a long-lost boyfriend trying to sneak into the apartment to lovingly place an engagement ring under the tree. Or the “red holiday sweater” in question was stolen from Freddy Krueger after too many TBOX cereal shooters. Come to think of it, this one could go either way.
9. “1:43PM: Fire Department reports that [a] man down at Belmont and Seminary is now lying in traffic. He’s wearing a ‘bright red, fancy Santa suit.’”
Is this some radical new way to get cars to stop for pedestrians in Chicago crosswalks? Probably more effective than the half-ass stop signs we have now. Best part: it’s not just a Santa suit. It’s a fancy Santa suit.
8. “1:41PM: Two white guys ‘wearing sweaters and costumes’ are fist fighting inside Einstein Bagels.”
One can only imagine how a bagel skirmish resorting to fisticuffs went down:
Frat bro A: Can I get a tub of shmear on my cinnamon raisin bagel?
Frat bro B: Nice order, fucking idiot!
If only there had been video, this could have been our mac and cheese kid.
Flickr/BluEyedA73 (edited)
7. “6:44PM: White male in a black sweater jumping in front of cars at Addison and Wilton.”
Dear Santa: You are not Superman. No matter how many fire shots you took down.
6. “4:10PM: White male wearing green pants is chasing cars in the street at Clark and Newport.”
What the hell is going on with TBOX and cars? There must be something about that holiday magic that turns people into mindless car-chasing dogs by mid-afternoon. Would explain the public urination at least.
5. “3:19PM: White guy wearing a red Christmas vest and a white shirt is trying to get into cars at Halsted and Belmont.”
Okay, now it’s breaking into cars. Although, if you’re gonna be a criminal mastermind, you might want to at least wait until dark to break into cars. And you might want to lose the Christmas vest. Kinda makes you stand out.
4. “4:42PM: At Dark Horse bar, a drunk caller wants the police because the bouncer won’t let her back in.”
This one reminds us of the woman who called 911 because McDonald’s ran out of nuggets. We can’t decide who’s worse.
3. “9:03PM: A resident in the 3300 block of N. Kenmore says an intoxicated teen in a Santa costume keeps knocking on her back door and blocking the entrance to her home.
9:08PM: The teenaged Santa on Kenmore is now ‘having a tussle’ with a neighbor who tried to intervene.
9:11PM: Santa teen is arrested for assault. Case HW571101. Unknown officer suggests ‘Santa has too much tea in his box.’”
We may never know the true story here. But we do know that a cop suggesting in a police report that Santa had “too much tea in his box” is kind of the greatest thing ever. Also, what does that even mean?
2. “6:19PM: ‘White male wearing a white bird costume has passed out on the hood of a car,’ 3524 Halsted.
6:20PM: Officer confirms: ‘I believe an ambulance is warranted. Drunk male. Dressed as a bird. Passed out on the hood of a vehicle.’ Birdman gets hospitalized.”
Now, nothing is funny about a person getting hospitalized. Unless that person was hospitalized for passing out on the hood of a car. Wearing a bird costume.
1. “1:26PM: A woman wearing a Santa hat, red sweater, and jeans is urinating under the L tracks at Sheffield and Roscoe ‘right next to the porta-potties.’ In the spirit of the holidays, a man is urinating next to her.”
= new reply since forum marked as read
