University of PA statement on admissions bribery scandal (satire)

[frogmarch]

A STATEMENT FROM THE UNIVERSITY OF PENNSYLVANIA REGARDING THE COLLEGE ADMISSIONS BRIBERY SCANDAL
by JESSICA M. GOLDSTEIN

snips:

When we learned that at least 50 people participated in a massive college admissions scam, deploying fraudulent means to get their children into our nation’s elite universities, we were appalled, disgusted, and outraged that not a single one of them was using these deviant tactics to get into the University of Pennsylvania.

It is just despicable that these privileged, wealthy families, who already enjoy every advantage, would be so deceitful and unethical in their efforts to secure a coveted spot at Yale, Stanford, or Georgetown, but not at Penn, which — friendly reminder! — is an Ivy League school. It’s extremely exclusive. Very difficult to get into. Definitely harder than Georgetown and sometimes harder than Stanford; it sort of depends on the year.
.....

A few days after the scandal broke, people started to talk about the Trumps and we were like FINALLY. But it turned out everybody was just giving Jared Kushner shit for paying $2.5 million to get into Harvard. HARVARD IS A GLORIFIED FINISHING SCHOOL. For fuck’s sake, what about all the money Trump promised he would donate to Penn so his daughter Ivanka and one of his dumb-dumb sons could go to Wharton?? Wharton is a Penn school, and sure, sometimes it bothers us that the Wharton brand is so strong while the Penn brand is still sort of confusing to a lot of people, but whatever. Tiffany went to the College of Arts and Sciences, by the way. At Penn.

One last quote from the piece:

We would never have accepted the bribe, obviously, because that would go against our code of conduct. We hate crime; that’s why our law school is so good. But it would have been nice to be asked.

More: https://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/a-statement-from-the-university-of-pennsylvania-regarding-the-college-admissions-bribery-scandal?fbclid=IwAR06s8Jo26AQgmaum30cLxdbd1CHxB_4WD3Ce4j9I6rVIeg7J4SAF_EltG8

[MyOwnPeace]

1. Good stuff!

Perhaps it makes it easier to understand how IQ45 became so brilliant:

"We’re in Philadelphia! What a town. It’s such an underrated city. Definitely better than wherever Wake Forest is. (Virginia? New Hampshire?) "

And, it is not "The Onion" - so it's probably not "fake news!"