I'm looking for a job as a personal trainer/motivator
Do you need a little help in your life? Do you lack confidence? Do you consistently posts threads on web sites that get no replies and sink quickly? Well, THOSE DAYS ARE OVER, MY FRIEND!
For a mere $20/hour, I will:
1) Advise you on how to make a good post.
2) Stand directly behind you while you are posting, and give pointers concerning your spelling, therefore eliminating the need to use the spell checker.
3) Help you choose post topics that will catch attention and earn you admiration.
4) IF YOU ARE A REPUBLICAN, for only $5 per hour extra, I will provide my "HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING SERVICE", which will do the following:
a) Scream at you and ask you what the fuck your problem is when you misuse common words like : lose, loose, your, you're, there, their and they're.
b) Motivate you to use paragraphs by belittling you because you typed a 9,000 word wall of text, with no paragraph breaks, you goddamn idiot.
c) Tell you to stop your fucking whining about people you do not know getting something that you don't have. Mind your own business, asshole.
d) Train you (using flash cards) how not to call someone a "looser".
e) Forcefully explain how using the phrase "LOL" will get you out of some pretty goddamn sticky situations (when used properly) because you once again fucked up.
f) Show you high-definition photographs of actual snowflakes and actual people while explaining that one is not the other, you stupid fucking jerk.
I expect immediate cash payment after each session. Not available on weekends. NO PHONE CALLS AFTER 7 PM, NO EXCEPTIONS!
Thank you.
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