Male, early 60's...
Cynical, lacks humor, smells bad, scratches all the time, loses train of thought mid-sentence, still thinks farts are funny, dog lover, weird spots on forearms and calves, crepe skin, large spaces between front teeth, don't care no more, no filter, won't dress up, breathes heavily, nose hair, ear hair, back hair, beard contains food, can't sing, irregular pooping schedule, announces pooping activity, bad urine stream, gets toe cramps frequently, cusses a lot, yells at objects, skewed nipples, has a one pack, lopsided buttocks, hides boogers under furniture, passes out loose cigarettes on Halloween, resembles pimento loaf, wears suspenders from 1976, falls asleep in the shower, contemplates "fart molecules", wonders if everyone's navel smells like that, doesn't use paragraphs, bad at math, bad at history, bad at geography, bad at everything, takes power naps while driving, mends t-shirt holes with tape, makes obvious scrotum adjustments at grocery store, talks on cell phone when trying to pay cashiers, can't hear, very scabby, tries to smell own breath while conversing, avoids church, has cataracts, doesn't know about that sore on his leg, uses 7 different ointments which all expired in 1995-1997, "brushes" teeth with a toothpaste coated finger, struggles to keep himself from using weed whacker on calf "to see what it feels like", touches all of the produce, stops car in middle of highway to look in glove compartment, smokes a lot of weed and forgets things, repeats himself constantly, smokes a lot of weed and forgets things, repeats himself, smokes weed, contemplates vacuum cleaner technology, very lax with toenail care, hopes that isn't a fungus, high anxiety worrier, friends call him a "sneezy fucker" behind his back, eats butterscotch pudding by the bucketful, never met a cookie he didn't like, is referred to as the "before" picture, weak handshake, clears throat repeatedly when nervous, scratches back against telephone poles, once got arm stuck in mailbox, favorite words are "crotch" and "groin", mispronounces "children" as "chiblins" and "specific" as "pacific", pants too short, sleeves too long, always has 1983 Texas Instruments calculator in back pocket, wallet is 2 inches thick and held together by 6 rubberbands, has "in case of emergency card" in wallet that was never filled out, front pockets stuffed with expired junk food coupons, pays for gasoline with loose change, when asked for his age he has to think for 15 seconds and then still gets it wrong...
Jesus, I have an interview Monday and I'm trying to work up an answer if they ask me to tell them about myself. I'm going to have to see if I can condense this a bit.
= new reply since forum marked as read
Just digesting your qualifications... 
I do hope this is job for something like a Big-City Cab Driver, though ...
I love your sense of humor dude ... for reals 
:
Have your toenails hardened yet?
........
I do question your admitting to "doesn't use paragraphs"..........
KY........
