Handyman looking for some extra work.

[LuckyCharms]

My skills are as follows:

1) I might be able to sweep a little bit of your floor for 3 minutes or so. No longer than 3 minutes because sweeping makes me very tired and irritated. Price: $400

2) Plumbing work: I will check all of the faucets in your home by turning them on and off. If I find one that is not working, I carry a current yellow book in my truck that I will let you borrow to look up the name of a plumber. Faucet check: $500. Rental of yellow book: $60 for every 5 minutes.

3) Carpentry: I will pound one nail into an item of your choice. Price: $50

4) Roofing: From the ground and using binoculars, I'll take a look at your roof. I will explain to you in detail what it looks like up close. I must charge $1,000 for this service to recoup cost of binoculars.

5) Flooring: I will walk on your floor and give you my honest opinion on how it feels. Price:$100

6) I will watch you install your own sheetrock and tell you what you are doing wrong. Price: $500 per room.

7) Using a shop vac: Under your direction, I will flip the switch on the shop vac between off and on while you clean up the construction debris. Special price: only $20.

8) Door and window installation: I will lean the new doors and windows up against the wall, about 5 feet from where the ultimate installer needs to install them. Price $900 each door or window.

9) Install new sinks: If you order a new sink, I will remove it from the cardboard box it came in. Price: $300

10) Install new toilet seat: I will put the new toilet seat as it sits in the cardboard box, near the toilet, so you don't have to reach too far to install it. Special price: $5

11) Complete staircase rebuild: I will put sheet of heavy duty gripping rubber over your existing stairs to make them less slippery. Price $250

If you would like me to do any/all of this work for you, I do not have a phone or a reliable computer. So to contact me, go downtown and ask if anyone has seen Jack around lately.

[ret5hd]

1. Jack??? Jack??? Jack Shit, right??? Man, you cuttin' into my gig, man. I thought we was brothers.

[TexasTowelie]

2. If you want to offer your "handyman" services at your proposed rates,

then you might want to advertise on Grindr instead.

Be careful, we don't want to see you on Dateline.

[littlemissmartypants]

3. I think I have found out what my x has been up to.

[randr]

4. Damn, just paid someone twice as much for the same work

Wish I had found you first. I do need some pool repair. I'll pay no more than a grand for you to take a lap

[Midnightwalk]

5. I'll spray stuff with a power washer for 30

Minutes for free. You’ll need to supply the washer and I’m not liable for collateral damage.

Those things look like fun.

[Marie Marie]

6. I sent your "resume/price sheet" to Angie's List.You should hearing from the Downtown

Grapevine any day now. Just one question before I hire you. Do you carry Workman's Comp insurance? I don't want to have to pay for hours of re-hab if you throw your back out putting my new toilet seat and box next to my toilet.

[Harker]

7. Do you up your charges

if I need lots of such work done?

[NotASurfer]

8. Got a jingle for your commercials

Yes and give me the Prez, I don't talk to no Veep
You can't pay me what I'm worth, I don't work that cheap!