Hilarious review of Brach's Turkey Dinner Candy Corn

[Nevilledog]

Link to tweet

Unrolled thread here
https://threadreaderapp.com/thread/1446149270793555971.html

I bought a bag of this #brachsturkeydinnercandycorn a while back and have been saving them for #nationalspookymonth. I’m a #registereddietitian and this is my honest review as a nutrition professional. Ahem. 1/18



Here is an example specimen of each flavor. When you open the bag, you’ll smell only the coffee ones. This is a transparent and deliberate attempt to lull you into a false sense of security. Don’t be a sucker. 2/18



First of all, there is a special place in hell for whoever decided to make 3 of the flavors so similar in color. 3/18

In a just world, this person would die alone surrounded by ugly pink floral wallpaper, after a lifetime of petty disappointments, with the sounds of a super fun and fashionable party absolutely everyone else was invited to drifting across the street. 4/18

Top left is turkey and gravy. It is disturbingly, hauntingly like candied turkey. Wrong on every level. 5/18

Top middle is stuffing. This one is an unrepentant violation of the Geneva Convention. Tastes like hate and sage. So much sage. It’s ironic, because you’ll need to burn sage to erase it from your psyche. 6/18

Top right is caramel apple pie. It’s fine. Most prominent flavor is caramel, with a surprisingly natural cinnamon background, and then a crisp finish with just a faint *whisper* of eau de artificial flavoring that once spent 15 minutes in a room with an apple pie… 7/18

…scented #YankeeCandle. With the lid closed. 8/18

Bottom left is allegedly cranberry sauce. What should have been a softball in the flavor development game instead offers nary a smidge of either cranberry or tartness. There is, however, the vaguest intimation of alkaloid bitterness. Best guess—Cotton candy cough drop? 9/18

Bottom middle is green beans. Friends, it is unforgivable. If you left a cup of green tea on the porch in bad weather for a week, during which time it attained sentience and promptly began plotting your demise, and you hate green tea, that’s what this tastes like. 10/18

There’s definitely some dirt in it, and…Is that a hint of dead leaf, or decomposing June beetle? You’ll have the stabbing pains of deep regret for company as you work that one out. 11/18

Lastly, bottom right is coffee. It’s the best one, and it’s terrible. It’s what you hoped coffee would taste like when you were five. Alarmingly sweet, kind of butterscotchy? Its second cousin twice removed has heard of coffee. 12/18

The stuffing one is by far the worst flavor. It is appalling. Pepperidge Farms has apparently taken up training assassins. I’ve met voodoo dolls with less evil intent. The developer of this flavor deserves your disdain, and for that, I salute them. 13/18

However, I think my personal pick for most offensive to #Thanksgiving food is the green bean. It’s not green bean casserole, btw, oh no. No umami here. Raw, unholy green in flavor as well as color, with a single, 1-note foghorn taste, like mowing the lawn with your mouth open. 14

To paraphrase Douglas Adams, it is almost, but not quite, entirely unlike green beans. It’s what you might get if you described green beans to an alien who had been tasked with reproducing the flavor using only very inexpensive petroleum-based esters. 15/18

And you had never actually had green beans. 16/18

And also the alien hated its job. 17/18

Five stars.
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️
Everyone should get a bag. Set them out in a nice, inviting bowl, and don’t say a word. 18/18
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[SoCalNative]

1. I've actually had them

she's not wrong.

[rsdsharp]

2. I'm having trouble breathing.

I defy you to try to read this out loud.

[jmowreader]

3. Well, first things first...

Anyone who produces a "Thanksgiving dinner" themed candy mix and doesn't put PUMPKIN pie in it deserves wall-to-wall counseling. I mean, come on: who the hell eats apple pie for Thanksgiving dinner?

[SergeStorms]

10. Me.

I can't stand pumpkin pie, or pumpkin anything.

A piece of warm apple pie with a scoop of vanilla ice cream is my favorite dessert. Everyone's tastes are different.

[ret5hd]

11. So, you're saying pumpkin pie flavor would...

fit right in. Right?

[SergeStorms]

14. In that bag of goodies....

definitely.

[LymphocyteLover]

17. LOL!!

[Hekate]

15. You have to have at least 2 pies or it's not TG. We always had mince & pumpkin...

… when I was a kid. My in-laws don’t know from mince, which is just sad. My husband likes pumpkin and apple, but his brother wants cherry.

But that candy corn thing? I knew it was an abomination as soon as I saw the ad.

[soldierant]

23. Neither apples nor pumpkins

have much flavor of their own. Or perhaps I should say "much odor." BOth are evoked, not by the scent of the fuit, but by the scents of the spices which are used with them. "Pumpkin spice" contains no pumpkin - it is merely the spices which are inevitably used with pumpkin, and that is the scent which telegraphs "autumn."

You can make a pretty convincing apple pie with Ritz crackers and jusicious use of the spices which telegraph "apple pie" to our noses.

[localroger]

4. Someone set out the nice, inviting bowl at the place where I work.

Those of us who made the mistake of sampling it derived much amusement from watching those who came after us.

[LymphocyteLover]

19. LMAO!!

[KT2000]

5. Hilarious!

I want to do the "set them out" for my family and friends.

[Sanity Claws]

6. The last line is the best

It will definitely give some people ideas.

[Ocelot II]

7. This is real???

Maybe I'll get some to hand out on Halloween. If the word gets around fast enough, nobody will bother me after the first few visitors.

[Nevilledog]

8. It is....saw them at Walgreens

[SergeStorms]

9. "It's the best one, and it's terrible". 🤣

I'm sure Brach's will laugh all the way to the bank. They'll sell a million bags of that crap.

I've never been a fan of candy corn, even in it's unadulterated form, and I'm positive this would be utterly horrible.

"The snozberries taste like snozberries", to quote Willy Wonka.

[Owl]

12. Makes me want to try it!

[irisblue]

13. #TeamCandyCorn, with salted peanuts until T-day only

Link to tweet

(Fie on those nails tho)

[3catwoman3]

24. "Fie on those nails, tho."

No kidding. Those are hideous. And whoever is attached to that hand is definitely not a hand model - major need for some heavy duty hand lotion.

[nuxvomica]

16. I wanted to try them but Walgreens was sold out

I think they would be the ideal snack for watching the movie version of Andrew Lloyd Webber's Cats.

[LymphocyteLover]

18. I can't believe these are real. OMFG.

[TlalocW]

20. I set out a bowl of these at work last year

With a sign that said, "I dare you," next to the bowl.

TlalocW

[3catwoman3]

25. What happened?

Did many accept the dare?

[TlalocW]

26. I work in a pretty small office

Nine people, not all there at the same time. I think one person was brave enough and warned all the others.

TlalocW

[ZonkerHarris]

21. That's some great writing there.

[3catwoman3]

22. This seems like a perfect opportunity to revert...

…to your toddler self and decide you hated it without even trying it.

The review is indeed hilarious.