Breaking: Florida bans natural conception and childbirth
TALLAHASSEE, FLA. (Spurious News Network) — “We have struck a blow for decency! Never again will Florida children be traumatized by being exposed to pornography in thei most vulnerable moments!”
This morning, Republican Governor Ron DeSantis put his signature to a bill designed to ensure no child will ever see obscene parts of the human body until he or she is within the confines of a loving Christian marriage.
This new law, which passed both houses of the Florida Legislature on a strict party-line vote, requires that all children in the state be conceived via artificial insemination and delivered by Caesarian section. It requires parents to pay for the procedures themselves as no state aid will be offered. As Julie Newton, a Republican who represents Palm Beach County, put it, “this is a child protection law, not a welfare law.”
“My constituents were troubled by the fact that every Florida child is forced to witness the most disgusting parts of their parents’ bodies at the most vulnerable times of their lives,” said bill author Samuel Francis, who represents Duval County. “These organs are so obscene no one dare speak their names, but we force every Florida child to witness them at the moments of their conception and birth. This new law will protect Florida’s most vulnerable citizens from this travesty.”
The new law makes exposing an unconceived child to any part of the male anatomy, or a child being born to any part of the female anatomy, a felony with a minimum five-year prison sentence. The law also requires that any child so conceived or delivered be surrendered to a proper Christian married couple who will raise him or her in an environment free of unholy influences.
Democrats in the state legislature were unimpressed. Mary Waterston, an obstetrician who represents Pinellas County, was outraged. “Is this what we’re wasting time on? Is this what we’ve been reduced to? There’s no way an unconceived child can see these things because they don’t have eyes and it’s dark in there. Babies are born with their eyes closed so they can’t see the birth canal, and they wouldn’t know what it was even if they viewed it in all its glory. This state has so many needs, but we took three whole days out of our schedule to work on…this.”
The bill was assured passage when John Blue, a Republican who represents Islamorada, offered an amendment to preserve the gun rights of people convicted under this law. “It’s not right that anyone who makes a mistake, even one as severe as this, be deprived of their God-given right to own as many firearms as they can get their hands on.”
The bill also bans the viewing of obscene art by persons under the age of 25. This provision is broad and unyielding, leaving the religious community in an uproar. Father Martin Upshaw, a Catholic priest in Pensacola, claims the new law will bankrupt his church. “A strict reading of this legislation, which I can only assume is how they’ll interpret it, makes every stained glass window in my sanctuary illegal. I’m not sure if I can get enough money from selling all the windows to replace them with clear ones, but I have to do it.”
Pregnant Floridians were aghast. Said Susan Eggleston, a pediatrician currently in the second trimester of her third pregnancy, “I guess I’ll be moving to New York to have this child. They’ve gone insane down here.” When asked if she was planning to return, she said, “no. There are plenty of job opportunities for me in a much better state. I fear for all the women who don’t have the options I do.”
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