I've discovered that I'm very picky when it comes to online dating

[alarimer]

I've joined a paid dating website, but I have rejected most of my suggested matches.

First, I reject everyone who lists their political viewpoint as "ultra conservative" right away. I don't even read what they wrote.
I reject most conservatives as well, but not all. Sometimes there's something in their essay or their list of interests that makes me think they are not that conservative. I could be completely wrong, but ultimately it's only email.

Let me explain that I live in a small town and most people I've seen on this website are locals or nearly so. I also reject anyone who says "they're just a simple, country boy" or words to that effect. First of all, I'm not interested in "simple", I want to meet people who are interesting, not provincial. And yes, I realize that sounds snobbish, but when it comes to relationships, there's really no point in settling, just to be in a relationship.

The other thing I do is ask "weed-out" questions.

"If money and time were no object, where would you go and what would you do?" If they answer that question with something like, "I'd stay right here" or "I have all I need right here at home," I wish them good luck and that's that.

I ask variations of that question too. I'm not looking for any particular answer. I'm just looking for people who have an interest in the outside world. I have never lived in very cosmopolitan places and most of the people I've met have been incredibly provincial. No interest in going anywhere or doing anything new or different. This is why I don't fit in here and why I am doing time at my job (which I like and would have a hard time leaving, but I am unhappy in this town after just a year) until I feel I have put in enough time to start applying for jobs in places I'd like to live, which is basically any largish city just about anywhere. I'm not that picky; I wouldn't even have to go that far.

I'm picky because I don't believe in settling. I'd rather be alone than bored with someone who doesn't understand me.

[Agschmid]

1. Me too.

Last relationship I was in was a 5+ year and it was now over 2 years ago. I have learned from that one and I am also just so picky now. Why waste time if it's not right?

And I totally agree with, "I'm picky because I don't believe in settling. I'd rather be alone than bored with someone who doesn't understand me."

I have been doing OkCupid but it's been somewhat of an epic fail, I'm obviously gay (se Oreo avatar) and I'm male... (I promise)... and it's been matching me to women, maybe I check the wrong box?!?!

Yipes! Well good luck and hold out I'm sure you are worth it!

[alarimer]

2. I've noticed those algorithms aren't perfect

If I listed my preferred distance as, say, 100 miles, sometime it returns people who live in Washington, DC or Baltimore. "Near" being relative, I guess.

[Agschmid]

3. You might this article from the Atlantic...

THE AIR IN Santa Cruz was warm and still as I sat among perfect roses in the backyard of the bride’s parents. At the key moment of this nontraditional Jewish wedding, the friend presiding over the ceremony took a moment to explain the Hebrew word kadosh. It’s translated as “holy,” or “the holy one,” but it also connotes the act of setting apart or elevating one thing above all other things of a type. Marriage is holy because each partner says, “You are the one person I choose out of all the people in the world.”

If only you could Google your way to The One. The search engine, in its own profane way, is a kadosh generator. Its primary goal is to find the perfect Web page for you out of all the Web pages in the world, to elevate it to No. 1.

http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2010/12/take-the-data-out-of-dating/308299/

[harmonicon]

4. It's an oreo?!

Last edited Thu Jan 31, 2013, 05:59 AM - Edit history (1)

I always thought that was like a spindle of thread. My mind was just blown.

Also, yes, you checked some wrong bo es). Make sure that the bit by your username (by your age and location) is set to "gay" or "bisexual" if you want a chance to be matched up with men. Then, near the bottom of your profile in the "I'm looking for" section, set it to "guys who like guys." If you set it to "everybody" it's going to include women in the matches. You're welcome.

HAHA. Joke's on you. Hell is okcupid.

http://hell-is-okcupid.tumblr.com
https://sites.google.com/site/niceguysofokc/

[alarimer]

5. That's funny

I rarely get messages from anyone. The ones I do get are a lot like the ones on that first blog.

And when I do, it's clear they haven't read my profile.

[Agschmid]

6. Haha thanks great link...

Oh wait that's me on there!



Just kidding.

[Chan790]

7. On the epic fail...almost certainly not your fault.

Very possibly a "wrong box" check somewhere along the way...or an unchecked one. Just as often, the fault of other users even when you set everything right.

They're very good about understanding that a large part of their audience is LGBTQ+ and serving that audience when other dating sites will not.

At the same time, you're not the first person I've known that has had this issue...I think at some not-obvious point in the registration (It was 10+ years ago for me so I don't remember...I remember when OKC had 10K users globally.), it asks and if you don't answer it assumes you're looking for "Everybody" (ie. Any gender, any orientation, any age, any location.) It's a matter of going back into your profile and checking your settings at two locations.

One: At the top of the page near your picture, there is a block of text that lists your username in large salmon-colored font on one line; your age/sex/orientation/relationship-status (aka. availability-status) in plain black text underneath; your location underneath that; and a green edit icon directly to the right of that. Confirm that all of that says what it's supposed to.

Two: At the bottom of the profile there's a section entitled "I'm looking for" where you can tell them who you're looking for. If you don't tell it you're looking for, for example, single gay men 35-50 near you for long-term dating, short-term dating or activity partners the default is looking for everybody 18-99 everywhere for long-term dating, short-term dating, activity partners, new friends or long-distance pen-pals (but not casual sex)

Those are the two spots it looks at for demographics/preferences when the computer matches you to other people in search results, sidebars, Quiver, Crazy Blind Date, etc. Having those set correctly should minimize the issue (and you probably do, they're kinda obvious)...but not eliminate it entirely unfortunately.

Some part of the problem is that the system informs you if someone saves you to their favorites list, rates you 4 or 5-stars or sometimes just checks out your profile regardless of whether that person meets your preferences or not (users in the forums of the site requested this)...the origin of this problem is what I refer to as the "I don't read" problem. (Seriously, I think 80% of users don't read profiles and only look at pictures...at one point I wrote in mine that I was only looking for "willing victims to axe-murder" to test if people even read what I wrote: no change in message frequency and nobody commented on it.) You can be a gay male seeking gay men near you but if some straight woman 400 miles away paying no attention to what you want rates you highly or sends you a note, the system is going to tell you about it.

[siligut]

9. I know it's a gay Oreo, but I keep seeing a spool of network cable

The blue, second from the bottom, is close

Just remember, you are clever and kind and handsome. Sure plenty of guys would want to be with you, but you aren't like that, you believe in love and you will find him, because he is out there looking for you as well.

[yellowcanine]

8. Not looking but I would reject "ultra" anything.

Because I would just rather not deal with anyone who thinks of themselves as "ultra." It is probably an excuse for being an asshole.

[MissMillie]

10. I recommend being picky in any kind of dating

the downside to that is that it's slim pickings out there. Set the bar high, and even fewer people can get over it.