My ex-wife passed away last night and...

[rppper]

....I'm torn on how I should feel about it. She was 45 and had been fighting the effects of a botched gastric bypass surgery and painkiller addiction(she was a functioning addict) for nearly 20 years, but it happened very suddenly. My kids, 25 and 21 are wrecks right now...I can't say I'm much better. Our relationship married was tumultuous, but we settled our differences years ago, i even like her husband...we were on good enough terms to witness our grandson being born....I hurt for my kids...I was 37 when I lost my mom, and that was too young IMHO...I'm Sad and I'm Tired, but I know she's not hurting in any way anymore....thanks for letting me vent....

Nichola Ann Barker, 8-16-67 to 3-13-13... You are loved and missed....

[In_The_Wind]

1. May Nichola Ann Barker rest in peace.

She suffered enough for one soul on this earth.

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I am so sorry for your loss, rppper
and for your children

[livetohike]

2. My sympathy to you and your family and all who knew Nichola

[Scuba]

3. When my ex-wife died I felt relieved for her children.

Does that help?

[lunatica]

4. I think feeling torn is not uncommon

It's probably something even your kids are feeling. Most people just don't talk about it because they think they're supposed to feel only grief and loss.

When my brother died I was devastated but I was also relieved that he wouldn't have to live as a paraplegic for the rest of his life. It would have been terrible for him.

[LiberalEsto]

5. So sorry, rppper

Maybe this will help a little:

When I was 23, my mom passed away after many years of illness - undiagnosed severe fibromyalgia - and addiction to the painkillers she took for it. The painkillers destroyed her kidneys and she was on dialysis for the last few years of her life. Dialysis in the early 1970s was painful and she needed four-hour sessions 3 times a week.

At the time she died, I felt a sense of relief that she was no longer suffering.

But as the months passed, I began to miss her, and didn't really start grieving until she'd been gone for a year.

I missed her and grieved as various milestones passed, when I got married, when my kids were born, and as they were growing up. At the same time, I reminded myself that if she were alive, she would be physically miserable.

Grief comes and goes. Don't push yourself or your kids to feel a certain way, just let it take its course. Talk about her with them. Talk about the good memories.

[LWolf]

6. Feel what you feel.

My first ex, the father of my kids, passed away 12 years ago when they were about the same age your kids are. It was expected; he had a terminal condition. I never settled those differences, which were major, and did not visit him while he was dying. We weren't on any terms, good or bad. I hadn't seen nor spoken to him since our youngest son turned 18, when my obligation to interact with him ended.

I WAS there for my sons. I attended his service, and held them while they cried. I supported his family in their grief. As it turned out, I was finally able to forgive him, and to find closure, when he was gone. Part of that process for me was in supporting my sons; in bringing back for them, and re-living with them, their positive memories, and helping them to hold on to those memories over the years since.

I still think of him often, with love, remembering the best he offered. I've left behind the rest long since.

For what it's worth, that's what I have to offer. Remember and honor her life, and keep the best she was for your kids.

[Bake]

7. Mixed emotions for sure.

I used to think if my ex passed, I'd dance/piss/poop (not necessarily in that order) on her grave. Now, it's not worth the effort ... I got over hating long ago, just hurts me.

I feel ya.



Bake

[TuxedoKat]

8. So sorry

for the loss of your ex-wife. (((HUGS)))

[Aristus]

9. I'm sorry, rppper...

This must be very painful for you.

[Loryn]

10. My sympathies to you and your children

It's my experience that grief comes to us like waves, over time.
Take care of yourself rppper.

[backwoodsbob]

11. damn...so sorry

life fucks with us in weird ways....condolences for you and the children

[agracie]

12. That is all very understandable... and very complicated. Time will help sort it all out. nt

[bigwillq]

13. May she rest in peace

[av8rdave]

14. RIP to your ex...

I'm sure you have many mixed emotions. But as you eloquently pointed out, she is the mother of your kids, and it says a lot about you that you are very aware of their pain.

My first marriage ended under what I can only describe as horrific circumstances. But I try to remind myself from time to time (as you obviously do) that at one time we loved one another enough to have children together. Were anything to happen to her, I would be heartbroken for my kids, but I'm sure I would also feel a huge loss. It has to feel like a big hole was made in a part of your life - in the past for sure, but still an important part.

I have to believe that your feelings of sorrow and loss are a natural byproduct of being a decent human being. I hope you're able to mourn her and find peace with the loss when the time is right.

All the best to you and your kids!

[fizzgig]

15. peace and love to all who loved her

rest easy, nichola

[RiffRandell]

16. I am so sorry!

Prayers to you, the kids and her husband.

[olddots]

17. You can feel good about feeling bad

You care and feel .Love is probably all we have the rest of everything is bullshit we make up .

[rppper]

18. Wow! I am truly flabbergasted!

Thank you all so very much for your kind words, your thoughts and your prayers...it means a lot to us...I am typing this with a lump in my throat...my son thanks to all of you as well, as he is over my shoulder looking at your responses. I wish I could answer all of you individually, but to be honest I didn't expect such a wide response! Thanks again DUer! You have made a difference today!

[GoCubsGo]

19. I am so sorry.

Give your kids a hug for me. Here's one for you, too.

[erinlough]

20. I learned that my sons father is still important to me.

My son told me that his father had cancer and it hit me that the only problems we had were that we did not really belong together in the first place! After our divorce we both found partners that we have been happy with. My son was the reason we were supposed to meet and he has been an exceptional blessing to both of us. I care for him because he is a good guy and gave me a great son.

[CherokeeDem]

21. My deepest condolences...

to you and your family. May you find peace in your memories.

[mokawanis]

22. My condolences to you and your children

R.I.P Nichola Ann Barker.

[MiddleFingerMom]

23. I'm very sorry for your loss. Coping and healing vibes to you and yours.

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[hrmjustin]

24. I am so sorry for you and your family.

May she rest in peace.

[Bertha Venation]

25. I'm very sorry, rppper

I hope your good memories will help you along.

[rurallib]

26. hard to lose someone you shared much of your life with

plus the kids.
Thankfully you were at peace with each other at the end.
I was 20 when my mother died. Seemed kind of unfair - I hardly knew her.

[840high]

27. My condolences.

[csziggy]

28. I am so sorry - condolences to you and to your family

Especially to your children.

[Arctic Dave]

29. ((()))

[Sekhmets Daughter]

30. So very sorry for you and your family...

She will iive on in the hearts of those who loved and cared for her.

[Tikki]

31. Hugs to you, the children and her husband...so sorry..

Tikki

[Locut0s]

32. RIP very sorry to hear this. IMHO it's perfectly OK to still love someone even if you aren't...

with them anymore or can't get along with them in a marriage any more. Even if you are married to and love someone else now.

[auntAgonist]

33. I am truly sorry for your loss. She was a part of your life that will continue on

through your children and their children.

May she rest in peace.

I hope you can all remain close at this time, be there for one another.

aA
kesha

[rppper]

34. Again, my children and I thank...

Each and every one of you guys from the bottom of our hearts. an update...she will be cremated sometime in the next few days, but we are not having a ceremony untill mid may, where a good sized group of our friends and family will meet in Virginia Beach and spread her ashes in the Chesapeake Bay, an area she was very fond of ( A lot of our friends, both on my side and her husbands, are active and retired navy ). We will also have a smaller ceremony here in Florida at the Flagler beaches...another spot she was fond of. Thank you again for your kind words and thoughts...it's meant the world to myself and my children....

[jbnr]

35. strangely ironic.....

My ex wife died 3 days ago and the situation seems oddly the same. Same exact problems. Our children, though are a bit younger, 12 and 13. I also am torn on how I should feel. She wasn't a bad person, she just made some bad choices. It is actually aggravating to me to know that all of this could have possibly been avoided. It is also somewhat scary to see first hand that choices do affect your life and the lives of others....... sad.

[gopiscrap]

36. My prayers go with you

[rppper]

37. Thanks...

I don't envy your position with children so young, mine being in their 20's and having experienced the passing of close loved ones, were probably a little better equipped to handle the loss. My immediate advice to them was to remember their mother at the times where she caused a smile or a laugh, because there will be plenty of time to work through all of the other memories good or bad.....strangely enough it was good advice to myself as well. I sincerely hope that helps and gives you some comfort to you and yours, and I will keep you and yours in prayer and positive thoughts.