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Related: Culture Forums, Support ForumsI guess I need personal vibes
It's kinda complicated. I've had a lot of personal s&*t going on lately - and haven't been around much, although I've been here more lately because DU Lounge has been a place of refuge for me (yes, that sounds - I dunno, kind of goofy, I guess, but it's true. I can't really afford a therapist right now and hey, you all are the best therapy a woman can get. Send your bills to - nah, never mind.)
A young relative was killed in an auto accident recently; my youngest son (20 years old) blamed himself for it (he'd called his cousin right before the accident and maybe distracted him)and so my boy attempted suicide a week or so later with an overdose of anti-depressants (my ex and I hadn't even known he was being treated for depression). Then my mother-in-law died of cancer right after Christmas (my ex came back in time to see her before she passed, thank goodness) but it was unexpected all the same. At the same time, the guy I'd been seeing was threatening to come to my MIL's funeral and tell the family a lot of personal stuff that would have embarrassed me beyond words (which was his intent).
Jerry Springer show material, right? Hah. I'm hanging on by working out as much as I can, keeping busy, and - hey, it's getting late. I'd better get going. Any suggestions, I'm open to. I try to laugh as much as I can, and try to stay away from poisonous people and places. But I know that there's a wealth of advice here at DU, and - hey, I'm open to it. But right now, I'm going to the gym.
CaliforniaPeggy
(149,523 posts)You're not kidding it's complicated.
I'd say your son needs some sort of therapy; I'd be surprised if that accident were at the bottom of his suicide attempt. I suspect he's got other things going on, and for that, he needs help.
I hope that toxic guy you were seeing is history. He is trouble. Don't let him back into your life.
You do need a therapist. Check around; sometimes you can find an office where they get trained, and then you pay less. They need to do so many hours treating people, at the end of their training, and then you might be able to get some sort of sliding scale for paying.
I had a therapist under those circumstances, and she was great.
Please take care! I'm really sorry you've been going through all this...
kimi
(2,441 posts)I've been putting it off but I shouldn't any longer. I'm an ex-military spouse so I do have benefits, as does my son. I saw him last week when the funeral for his grandmother took place - which was a surprisingly uplifting event, as she wanted it to be. But he has underlying issues and his depression is long-standing; he has been seeing a counselor and is on medication. I need to go that route also, now. It might bring us closer - the family that medicates together stays together - or something.
Thanks, Peggy. I appreciate your words.
ZombieHorde
(29,047 posts)kimi
(2,441 posts)You're sweet and I appreciate that more than you know.
snacker
(3,619 posts)there are many of us here who will "listen". It sounds as if some of your worries have been resolved ("the guy I HAD been seeing" and that you are trying to keep yourself busy. As for your son, I hope he is getting the care he needs right now. It is important for you for you to grieve for your losses on your terms, at your pace, and in your own way, but also to be there for your son who is struggling. I have no doubt that is exactly what you are doing. Remember to take care of yourself and be mindful of your physical and emotional well-being too. Find joy where you can, look forward, and be hopeful...and remember you are among friends here at DU.
kimi
(2,441 posts)You know, I've always turned to DU Lounge in times of trouble. People do "listen" and I've gotten great advice, and it's soothed me, really. It sounds odd to some people who don't understand, but online exchanges can have a real effect on others; can give a wholly different and helpful point of view.
I do worry about my boy - he has changed since his cousin was killed. He's angry, sad, obsessive, reclusive. It's hard to reach him. He's on medication and in therapy, but as a parent, I worry. Well, parents always worry. My own personal troubles have been a bitch - the guy I was seeing, well, I'm coming to terms with the fact that he was never the person that I thought he was, and that's been hard to deal with too.
I'm glad that I have friends here. Y'all keep me sane! Thanks for that.
Tuesday Afternoon
(56,912 posts)kimi
(2,441 posts)Vibes help. I know they will work for me. Lounge vibes are the best.
pamela
(3,469 posts)My life has sucked lately, too, so I'm afraid to send anyone vibes in case they would have my bad luck cooties attached. I'm so sorry about your son, though. I hope he is getting better. I hope everything gets better for you.
kimi
(2,441 posts)And I'm sorry that your life has sucked lately too. Hugs to you, and I hope it all gets better for you also, bless your heart.
riderinthestorm
(23,272 posts)You DO need some vibes.
I have no idea how you can get some REAL therapy but it sounds as though you are 'self medicating" on all the right stuff: exercise, talking it out with sympathetic friends (here on DU), asking for hugs (even virtual ones when you don't have RL ones), and honest appraisal of what's going down in your life (I hope you've dumped toxic tattletale guy).
Keep trying to stay strong. It sounds as though you are still "on the rails" so to speak. I sincerely hope your son is continuing to get some treatment for his depression - amongst all of the above crazy needs, his depression cries out for your help the most. Keep prioritizing him and everything else will fall into place. You sound strong and ready to stay strong. Of course please keep us posted.
a hug for you.....
kimi
(2,441 posts)Last edited Mon Jan 16, 2012, 04:36 AM - Edit history (1)
Sometimes I don't know if I'm self-medicating in the right way. I know that I need to get on some good anti-depressants (I was on them before when my ex came back from Iraq and he and I both went into a spiral on effects from his PTSD) but some of my self-medicating has not been so healthy. I am exercising more and talking more, and have definitely cut down on the eating and drinking more - and also have cut off the toxic guy. It's been difficult, and yeah, I'm still "on the rails". But my priority is my boy - that was a huge wake-up. Depression runs in my family, and all of these crises so close together - well, it's slamming home now.
Folks here have been so kind and uplifting to me. I do appreciate it. Thank you.
applegrove
(118,492 posts)I'm a blubbering fool sometimes! And it helps.
Thanks.
YvonneCa
(10,117 posts)...advice. Sounds like you are dealing with some very complicated issues...all at once. IMO, that's when it's the hardest. Have you ever seem that picture of what STRESS is...the zebra with all it's stripes falling off?
When I find myself trying to cope with several major stresses...all at once...I do two things:
1. Distract myself with something healthy that I enjoy. (It helps the pain.) You seem to be doing that with exercizing, laughing, etc. Probably your son could use that strategy, too.
2. Gather a support system. Friends, family members, counseling groups, etc. Survivors of Suicide, or a similar organization would have support groups for both of you.
As to the guy...everyone who hopes you dumped him is right. Good luck to you!
kimi
(2,441 posts)must look him/her up!
I am trying to distract myself as much as I can. It's hard to do - well, obviously LOL. I'm sitting here at 1:45 AM my time - I've always been an insomniac and unless I take a lot of Benadryl or melatonin I just lie awake and think that if one more hour had passed, my son would have died, or if I'd only known how sick she was, I could have been in Des Moines when my MIL DID die (her passing was expected, but not so soon), or if I'd only known how much my ex was tired of me, or my boyfriend was disgusted by me . . . or on and on and on . . .
Hell, there I go again!
Yes, I will look into support groups; it's long past time that I did. My stripes are falling off! LOL
Thank you YvonneCa.
YvonneCa
(10,117 posts)...person who feels responsibility for everything...and that's hard when one has a lot of family members who need you. (BTW, that zebra picture is captioned with something like "Today it seems like all my stresses have attacked me at once." )
We women not only put ourselves LAST on our 'to do' list, very often we fail to even PUT OURSELVES on our own list. The stress of that can make us sick. I hope you will take care of yourself. And then you will be sure to be there for others...especially your son.
Edited to add: This is close...
You're a good soul.
Hugs back atcha.
progressoid
(49,945 posts)Nothing goofy about hanging around here. We're here to commiserate with if you need to.
It's tough, I know, but be strong. Your son needs you.
kimi
(2,441 posts)DU Lounge is a haven; no other place like it in the world, I think. It helps me to feel stronger.
You all rock.
From The Ashes
(2,628 posts)I wish I had more to say. Have a hug from me:
and some vibes too:
kimi
(2,441 posts)This made me smile! These days, that makes things a lot better!
Thank you.
Callalily
(14,887 posts)kimi
(2,441 posts)Ya know, just knowing that vibes are here makes things a lot better. Dealing with these issues is somehow easier when I know that Lounge vibes and Lounge folks are there for me. It's a truly special thing and one that I will pay forward.
HopeHoops
(47,675 posts)I almost sent you a PM a couple days ago to check on you. Just hang in there.
kimi
(2,441 posts)You've been very kind to me during this time. I will hang in, and knowing that I have support here gives me hope - HopeHoops.
HopeHoops
(47,675 posts)dawg
(10,621 posts)Remeber to enjoy the good parts of life. The bad parts will always come and go.
The sad truth about the Jerry Springer show is that we all have episodes like that at least once or twice in our lives.
kimi
(2,441 posts)when I watched a lot of TV - more than The Daily Show or Colbert Report - I'd occasionally flip past Jerry Springer and pause to see the craziness of it. It seemed made-up, ya know? Now I almost think that it wasn't - some people might really have those kinds of lives *shock*. Never thought that I might be one. But yeah, I'll get through it, and so will the family - the bad times will go; it's what keeps me going (along with Stewart and Colbert LOL).
nolabear
(41,932 posts)This is just my personal opinion and not professional advice, but:
Is he getting help? It's very important that he does, more than an antidepressant. He needs someone to talk to and to be there for him in a way that won't make him feel guilty or afraid or embarrassed. A good therapist should do all of that.
Sounds like the "guy" is in the past but is a jerk so be sure you're not subject to abuse from him. Don't pull punches if you feel endangered but don't engage him at all otherwise.
Then talk to whomever you can, get support, remember how important you are and how much your son needs you, and that you need support so you can be there for him.
This ain't Jerry Springer. This is life. It can take twists and turns we never expect. But it can twist and turn in positie ways too; you just have to help it along, even when it's hard as hell.
Take care.
kimi
(2,441 posts)The university required him to get it before he could go back to classes. It's a small school and both of my parents-in-law were presidents of the university so the family is well-known there - hell, the Administration building is named after the family. He gets counseling there from a therapist, and then for the medication sees a psychiatrist in Des Moines once a month, for med adjustment if necessary. I'm keeping tabs on him and his father is calling from Afghanistan weekly. But I AM concerned, because the day of his grandmother's funeral he was angry and acting out - it wasn't good.
The toxic tattletale guy (as riderinthestorm puts it, and I love that description - I think I'll use it whenever I think of him now) is still on my mind more than I like, not that I'm going to be in contact with him again. He knows that he has an emotional illness; he won't stay on his meds; I can't fix him. I tried it with my ex, and it just doesn't work. Damn the Iraq war and GW all over again.
I intend to talk to someone this week, definitely. The twists and turns - yes, you're right about those, and I need to start making them more positive now.
Thank you for your words. Y'all are good folks and I appreciate the support so much.
hedgehog
(36,286 posts)I'm so sorry you're going through all this - when the shit hits the fan, it seems to hit all at once! Take a deep breathe and dump your troubles here.
kimi
(2,441 posts)I skipped tonight LOL. But did a lot of housework and felt like giving myself a break and cuddling with the cats. I'll treat myself to a long bath, watch some "Curb Your Enthusiasm" DVDs and go to sleep early (for me).
But back to the gym tomorrow!
And thanks!
Aristus
(66,286 posts)Couple of things: first of all, you are doing absolutely the right thing by asking for help, even if it's just for someone to listen to.
Also, it sounds like you are exercising regularly. That's good. Both are excellent for ameliorating depression. It sounds like you are going through some horrible stuff; things that no one can understand unless they are going through them, as well. We human beings are meant to be here for one another. To celebrate together in times of joy, and to mourn together in times of sorrow. Come what may, we are in it together, and we can get through it together.
You can see from the responses above how many people care about you, and are here for you. DU truly is your place of refuge.
Take care...
kimi
(2,441 posts)I can totally see how your patients appreciate your empathy; it is evident in so many ways. And yes, I have been really touched by the responses of folks here at DU when I came here and cried on so many shoulders, so to speak. I've been humbled and am incredibly grateful for that.
I will pay it forward, it's what I believe in. You're absolutely right, we are meant to be here for each other, to help each other through the hard times.
That's the bottom line, really. And thank you.
sarge43
(28,940 posts)How is your son doing?
kimi
(2,441 posts)I actually had to drive down to the farm today near the university - didn't see my youngest but spoke to him by phone. He sounds alright. But, I know from experience that that isn't a sign that it's all good. Reason I drove down was to drop off his older brother to take care of the farm while their grandfather goes away for a bit - just to get away during the aftermath of the illness, death and funeral of his wife and their grandma. So - older brother will keep tabs on younger brother; they haven't always gotten along, but there have been new bonds formed and blood is thicker than water and all that.
Thanks for the hug and your concern. It really has been a huge booster for me, to know how many people care and support me during this time. You have no idea, really.
Edit: Actually, drove down yesterday, Wednesday - said today cause I haven't been to sleep yet; damn you, insomnia!