The perfect Saturday afternoon martini:

[ret5hd]

put a dab of Trader Vic's Kona Coffee Liquor in a glass.

ok, just a little more than that...the finished drink is supposed to look like strong tea, not weak tea!

then, almost fill the glass up with your favorite vodka. (Gin? What the hell is that shit? god, that stuff tastes like shit, unless it's Hendricks Gin with a slice of cucumber)

ok, almost there: now, just put the lightest splash of dry vermouth on top of everything and stir. (shaken??? what the hell are you, some kinda James Bond wanna be???)

oh, i forgot...chill that damn glass first. It doesn't matter what shape the glass is (tumbler works good 'cause you can fit more vodka ( Gin? What the hell is that shit? God, that stuff tastes like shot unless it's Hendricks Gin with a slice of cucumber))

Drink till satisfied.

(damn it, i just cut my finger off. don't mix martinos and power tools)

[ret5hd]

1. martinos??? what the hell are martinos???

damn, i gotta get to the hospital.

oh shot, i'm replying to me!!!

[hlthe2b]

2. Leave the pitcher, will ya?

And, don't drip on the rug!

[ret5hd]

4. drugs? are you some kinda hippie?

god, i'm dizzy.

[jberryhill]

3. I don't understand when the word "martini" came to mean "whatever"

Look, you like your cocktail, that's fine.

But sweet jumping Jesus on roller skates, I am SICK and TIRED of ordering a martini, and having someone say "What kind?"

What kind?

WHAT KIND?!

Has the world gone mad?

I swear if one more person shoves a glass of vodka and fruit flavor at me and calls it a "martini", I'm throwing it back in their face.

Govern yourselves accordingly.

[ret5hd]

5. so piss off. you're not welcome here.

god, i'm dizzy.

[jberryhill]

6. Yep

And that is JUST the sort of person who can't be troubled to call any drink made with anything, something other than "martini".

You could call it a "DU Jury" if you wanted, but that might be taken....

-----
The DU Jury

3 oz of coconut rum
1 olive pit
1 Xanax tablet
1 Tbsp bitters
1 fresh coconut
seltzer water
nutmeg

Crush the Xanax tablet with the olive pit in a mortar and pestle. Get into an argument over which one is the mortar and which one is the pestle. Have a busybody alert on the argument. Shave the meat of the coconut until you have a lot of flakes. Mix with the bitters, until all of the flakes are bitter. Put the Xanax/olive and the flakes into the coconut rum and shake well. Drink it. This should put you out for about 30 minutes. When you wake up, read the verdict and chase the jurors around with a seltzer bottle.

Oh, yeah, put the nutmeg back when you are done. I forgot what it is for.

[ret5hd]

7. bitter bitter bitter...

something around here smells very very bitter.

[trof]

8. I'm copying this to my recipe file.

Thanks.

[trof]

9. True dat.

[jberryhill]

10. Thank you, sir.

And there'd better be pimento in the freaking olive.

I put down the menu and look that waitress right in the eye and say, "You go back there and you tell that bartender to make me a martini. A godamned martini. And if he doesn't know how to make a godamned martini, you tell him that he has no business behind a bar."