Felix Filthpeddler stands at the corner selling his filthy wares, just as he did every Friday afternoon. The Vegas crowds always loaded his pockets.
"Thirty-four! Thirty-four! Step right up ladies and gentlemen, come experience the awe and wonder that is thirty-four!"
A couple glanced at Felix as they were walking along the sidewalk. Eye contact! I have them now! thought Felix.
"You two make a fine couple! You, sir, what's sixteen plus eighteen?"
The man grinned, and answered, "Uh, thirty-four?"
"Yes!" Felix answered. "Now, let me show you the wonder of 34! You, ma'am, what was your favorite show as a child?"
"Scooby-Doo," she answered, giggling slightly.
"And you, sir, who is your favorite actor/actress?"
"Ah, Angelina Jolie, I suppose."
"Well then," Felix said, as he started rummaging through his suitcase. He pulled out several pictures and passed them to the unsuspecting couple.
They looked at the first picture: it showed a nude Angelina Jolie making love to an equally nude, albeit furry, Scooby-Doo. "Oh my God," the woman screamed, her hands shooting up to her mouth, trying to hold back the contents of her lunch.
"This is...," the man said, "this is sick!" His face was contorted in confusion, as he made sure to go through every picture.
"You sick freak!" the woman screamed.
The couple huffed off.
"Rule thirty-four!" Felix yelled. "Come explore the wonders of thirty-four!"
A minute later, three men came by.
"You sir," Felix said to the man closest to him, "what's two times seventeen?"
"Thirty-four!" he announced, proud of his math skills.
"Yes!" Felix replied Marv Albertly. "Now, let's see what thirty-four has in store! You!" Felix pointed to the man on the left, "what's your favorite TV show?"
"How I Met Your Mother," he replied.
"And you," Felix pointed to the man in the middle, "who's your favorite musician?"
"Dude! Bruce Springsteen!"
"Excellent! And finally, you," now pointing to the final man, "who is your congressional representative?"
Being an American, of course, he didn't know, so he responded with, "Hillary Clinton."
"And thirty-four says...," Felix dug around his suitcase, and pulled out several photos, handing them to the three men.
The photos showed Jason Segel, Alyson Hannigan, Neil Patrick Harris, and Hillary Clinton participating in an orgy, with Bruce Springsteen standing by, watching and eating a sandwich. It was hard to tell with the lighting in the pictures, but there also may have been a cat dressed up as Ronald McDonald in the background.
"Aw, shit!" the men cried, as they each took turns vomiting on the sidewalk.
Felix decided to move to a different corner. Tough crowd today he thought.
"Who wants to experience the wonder of thirty-four?" he announced.
Two elderly women approached him. "What's thirty-four?" they asked.
"Well, let me show you. First, what's your favorite restaurant?" he asked one of them.
"Oh, I love the Olive Garden."
"And you, ma'am," he indicated to the other, "what is your favorite sports team?"
"Well, I'm a long time Dallas Cowboys fan."
"In that case," Felix once again went through his suitcase and pulled out some pictures, "may I present the Dallas Cowboys Garden!"
The two women looked at the pictures. They showed several members of the Cowboys team performing what can only be described as obscene acts on various Italian dishes. Acts which were almost certainly illegal in most Texas counties.
"Well, not bad," one of the ladies replied. "This reminds me of that picture of Jerry Jones humping that Marzolino."
Felix gasped. "You've seen the fabled Marzolino humping of Jerry Jones?"
"Of course," she replied, reaching into her purse, and pulling out the very picture.
Felix drooled. "I'll pay you $25,000 for this!"
"Sure, why not," she answered. "There's several more of these at home."
Felix exhaled a blissful sigh. "Just put it by the suitcase."
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