A sad night for me.

[Lady Freedom Returns]

Have not been able to sleep. Just all around blue.

Anyone know a joke? Something funny? I can use a laugh!

[rug]

1. A man hated his wife's cat.

One day he decided to just get rid of it and drove him a mile away and left him at the park. As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat two miles away. He threw the cat out and headed home. Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat again. He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home.

At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.

Hours later the man called his wife. "Hon, is the cat there?"

"Yes", the she answered, "why do you ask?"

"Put that little shit on the phone, I'm lost and need directions."

[Lady Freedom Returns]

3. GOOD one!

Reminds me of the song, "The Cat Came Back"!

[Arugula Latte]

2. Silly String Joke (pun intended):

Two pieces of string walk into a bar and the bartender looks at them suspiciously. He says "Sorry, boys, we don't serve your kind here." So the pieces of string walk out again.

They're sitting in the gutter outside and feeling really thirsty when one piece of string says "Hey! I've got an idea to get me into the bar."

So he starts twisting and turning, wriggling this way and that, pulling out a few threads here and there. His mate's looking at him and thinks he's gone completely nuts.

Then the piece of string walks back into the bar. The bartender looks at him a little suspiciously again and says "Here, you're not a bit of string, are you?"

The piece of string replies "No, I'm a frayed knot."

[Lady Freedom Returns]

7. HA!

[libodem]

4. I have nothing funny

But I am sorry you are feeling blue. Did any thing bad happen a year ago? Sometimes people experience anniversary blues from a death or a bad incident, from the past.
Hope you can sleep. All the stuff I worry about in the night never seems as fearsome, in the morning.

[Lady Freedom Returns]

5. Two years ago.

http://www.democraticunderground.com/10022883029

[LiberalElite]

21. I remember that -

I'm nowhere near tornado territory. It was shocking.

[libodem]

23. That must have been

A truely terrifying, life threatening event, from your recent past, on top of all this news from Oklahoma, being a consta reminder.

It seems appropriate to feel blue under such circumstances. I know I would. Hope your sad mood has lifted. And the jokes and laughter helped. It's the best medicine.

[Paulie]

6. Why did the robot cross the road?

Because it was welded to the chicken.

Sorry, all I got.

[Lady Freedom Returns]

9. Hehe!

Makes me thing of "Robot Chicken"!

[Sekhmets Daughter]

8. Sorry you're blue...

It's a tough memory to overcome.

[Lady Freedom Returns]

10. Thanks.

[whistler162]

11. First take a deep breath and let it out.

'cause if you're blue then you ain't breathing.

[Lady Freedom Returns]

12. I love that Movie!

[GoCubsGo]

13. After seeing that film...

I have never been able to listen to "Puttin' on the Ritz" without thinking of that scene and laughing my butt off.

[Chan790]

14. Someone posted this earlier in a Facebook group I am part of.

A redneck with a bucket full of live fish, was approached recently by a game warden in Texas as he started to drive his boat away from a lake.

The game warden asked the man, "May I see your fishing license please?"
"Naw, sir," replied the redneck. "I don't need none of them there papers. These here are my pet fish."
"Pet fish!?!?"
"Yep. Once a week, I bring these here fish o'mine down to the lake and let 'em swim 'round for a while. Then when I whistle, they swim right back into my net and I take 'em home."
"What a line of baloney....you're under arrest."
The redneck said, "It's the truth, Mr. Gov'ment man. I'll show ya! We do this all the time!!"
"WE do, now, do WE?" smirked the warden. "PROVE it!"
The redneck released the fish into the lake and stood and waited.

After a few minutes, the warden said, "Well?"
"Well, WHAT?" said the redneck.
The warden asked, "When are you going to call em back?"
"Call who back?"
"The FISH," replied the warden!
"What fish?" asked the redneck.

MORAL OF THE STORY:
We may not be as smart as some city slickers, but we ain't as dumb as some government employees.

[Lady Freedom Returns]

17. Saw this one there on FB too!

To funny!

[Stuart G]

15. A simple, clean, rediculous joke..

The Millionaire Party..

A millionaire threw a magnificent party for his many friends. Only
one thing was bothering everyone, his very large pool was filled with
alligators.

Towards the end of the evening he stood before a podium and
announced to his guests, "The first person that swims across this
here pool will get a million dollars!" He then stepped back and
waited for a response.

No one responded, so he made another offer "I’ll give the first
person a million dollars and my mansion." Once again he stepped back
and waited.

Finally he said, "I’ll give you a million dollars, my mansion, and a
choice between my Corvette or Lamborghini".

Suddenly he heard a splash, turned to see a man swimming across the
pool hitting one alligator up side the head, wrestling one after the
other. With lots of luck the man reached the other end of the pool,
he climbed out at the millionaire’s feet. The millionaire
congratulated him and invited him up to his office to receive his awards


When they got to his office the millionaire asked, "what do you want,
the Corvette or Lamborghini?"
The man replied ... "I want the jerk that pushed me into the pool!!"

[Lady Freedom Returns]

18. Hahahahaha!!

[edbermac]

16. A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs...

...and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.

He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.

Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behaviour.

Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up ... so she took them home and ate them.

Two lessons here:

1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.

2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folks think.

[Lady Freedom Returns]

19. another good one!

[LiberalElite]

20. 1 more?

A duck walks into a bar and asks, "Got any grapes?"

The bartender, confused, tells the duck no. The duck thanks him and leaves.

The next day, the duck returns and asks, "Got any grapes?"

Again, the bartender tells him, "No -- the bar does not serve grapes, has never served grapes and, furthermore, will never serve grapes." The duck thanks him and leaves.

The next day, the duck returns, but before he can say anything, the bartender yells, "Listen, duck! This is a bar! We do not serve grapes! If you ask for grapes again, I will nail your stupid duck beak to the bar!"

The duck is silent for a moment, and then asks, "Got any nails?"

Confused, the bartender says no.

"Good!" says the duck. "Got any grapes?"

[Lady Freedom Returns]

22. HA!!! Bartender messed that threat up!

[Tommy_Carcetti]

24. A man, out of work and hard on his luck, prays to God.

He prays, "Dear God, I don't ask you for much, but I am so low on money and I don't know what to do. I have tried to get work but I have had no luck whatsoever. Please, let me win the lottery so I can escape this wretched poverty!"

The lottery drawing is held. The man doesn't win.

Nonetheless, the man prays to God again, "God, I will do anything if you let me win the lottery. I will donate half the money to the poor. I will go to church every day of week. Please, just let me win the lottery!"

Another lottery drawing is held. Again, the man doesn't win.

Undeterred, the man continues to pray, "God, whatever you ask of me, I will do. I will shout your name from the highest mountain top. I will become a priest and preach of your goodness. Just, please, please, please, let me win the lottery!"

Another lottery drawing is held. And yet again, the man does not win the lottery.

After not having won the lottery time after time after time, the man becomes greatly discouraged.

Bewildered, he shouts out angrily at God, "I don't get it! I continued to pray to you to win the lottery, and you never answered my prayers."

Suddenly, the clouds open up, a ray of light shines down on the man, and the man hears a deep, thundering voice.

"My son, this is God," the voice says. "I have heard your prayers all along and I do wish to help you!"

The man, amazed, responds, "You have? Well why then haven't I won the lottery yet?

For a moment, there is silence, and then God responds, "Well, haven't you thought about first buying a ticket if you want to win the lottery?"